Attempting to reconsile why I broke it off..

[synergy1]

In the past 5 months or so I have been dating exclusively one girl. She is very sweet, very nice, attractive, and drama free. Last night, I ended it. So why did I end it? The answer to this question is not obvious at all in my mind. I feel horrible about it - she literally did nothing wrong.

One prominent factor was that she was a tad boring. It was very hard to have meaningful conversations beyond the superficial stuff that couples do. She is kind of small town-ish, and has never been anywhere or done much in her life. She still lives at home and is doing stuff with family on a week to week basis. For some reason, I find this to be somewhat unattractive but is very commonplace with folks where I live.

At 35, its safe to say that anyone you date is someone you at least envision the future together , even if the thought is ephemeral in nature . What scared me the most was a boring and predictable future where nothing changes and this single fact is what I think drove me away. She didn't have the drive to challenge me ( even though I think she was capable), and this complacency was ultimately the undoing.

The purpose of this thread isn't to ask for advice on how to get her back or anything like that. It is simply an experience that might be shared here among mature men who are still trying to figure out their life story and who fits into it. Sometimes making decisions can be painful ( how I would love to be a sociopath right now), especially when it comes at the expense of someone who is kind, caring, giving, and positive.

At the end of the day, I hurt someone who did nothing more than be themselves and did nothing malicious to deserve it. To say I feel like garbage would be an understatement. But attraction is one of those things that needs all parts to be working together, and this was one of the cases where some elements were missing. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Would they have continued the relationship?

Thanks for listening.

 

[guru1000]

I always said in some contexts, it's harder to be the dumper than the dumpee, as you are more susceptible to regret later on and carry the potential "what ifs."

Some thoughts to chew on:

1) Is she still sexually attractive to you?
2) Does she share common goals and interests?
3) Does she "add" to your life personally and professionally?
4) Does she not provoke unnecessary drama often (as compared to PMS intermittently) that detracts from your life?
5) Does she fully accept her feminine role and defer fully to you and your authority?

From what I get from your post, she is not intellectually stimulating--and I too--dumped girls for this very reason in the past. I often get this problem, and while it is a good quality for a partner, I also understand that you will never get the "perfect" partner; so I tend to focus on the above five baseline attributes, and seek intellectual stimulation in my professional pursuits.

You mentioned she doesn't have the drive to challenge you. Aren't you challenged enough in your professional pursuits, that you prefer to have a peaceful home to rest in devoid of challenges?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Synergy,
Commiserations....One may forgive a Women many things,But not being boring.

 

[Kailex]

I went through this years ago and do NOT regret it at all. The regret is temporary and will go away once you find a woman or women that meet your criteria. She didn't do anything wrong, but neither did you. You two just aren't compatible.

 

[grayclif]

If you don't like her anymore you just don't like. I like that you broke it off before you cheated.

 

[synergy1]

If you don't like her anymore you just don't like. I like that you broke it off before you cheated.

I started to realize that it might not work out because I was noticing other women. And cheating on someone like this would ruin her.

1) Is she still sexually attractive to you? - I would say moderately, but not as much as when we first met. She was very vanilla in bed.

2) Does she share common goals and interests? - No. She wants a quiet life close to home, and I want to travel, own my own business and make life more interesting. She wants to live down the road from her parents, and has never left the country.

3) Does she "add" to your life personally and professionally? - Not really. We did compliment eachother well when we were hanging out, but she is very basic and did not have much to add.

4) Does she not provoke unnecessary drama often (as compared to PMS intermittently) that detracts from your life? - Not at all, but she kept it all in and only let me know of her concerns after the fact. As far as drama, she was nearly 0 drama.

5) Does she fully accept her feminine role and defer fully to you and your authority? - Yes. 100%.

I guess we all learn a bit more about ourselves every time we date someone. To some people, this would be the ideal girl to date long term.

Aren't you challenged enough in your professional pursuits, that you prefer to have a peaceful home to rest in devoid of challenges?

At the present, no. But I also work in my off time on these type of things. Honestly, I don't think I ever really turn off. I mean I don't want to come home and talk shop all night, but she's gotta at least have some capacity for more than sitting there and saying nothing.

 

[Glumix]

To some people, this would be the ideal girl to date long term.

Or not.

Perhaps that girl would be boring for every man in the world. And the simple fact that you dumped her gave her the opportunity to reconsider that very fact and change herself for the better.

You dumped her because you both had nothing to get out of that relationship anymore.
You needed to dump her and she needed to get dumped.

 

[ZTIME]

I like your post OP it's never a bad thing to go your own way, although based on the context written, it seems you have slight regret.

I've run into a few women like this. With my busy schedule I prefer not to be bored on my free time. However I do think that these types of girls tend to like a guy who is a little more exciting, and sometimes they come out of their shell and become much more fun themselves.

The question for me would be based on your approach. Did you date this girl for 5 months and fall into her way of living or did you keep frame and lead her to your way of living. One of these obviously works better than the other and I'm sure you can figure that out.

The reason I ask is that behavior is naturally cyclical until someone breaks the actual cycle. If you find yourself relying on women to provide you with entertainment or more enticing conversation, you may also be handing them a bit of your own frame.

No response needed. Just changing the perspective to help you view this problem from a different side. Either way, it's good you have the ability to choose your own path.

 

[guru1000]

Synergy, you made a smart decision by ending it.

 

[synergy1]

The question for me would be based on your approach. Did you date this girl for 5 months and fall into her way of living or did you keep frame and lead her to your way of living. One of these obviously works better than the other and I'm sure you can figure that out.

I kept my own frame throughout, and mostly she didn't resent it at all as far as I know. She liked how I was building my own business idea, and using my free time as I did. Part of what drove it apart was the fact I have been looking for opportunities outside of this area and I knew she would never be able to leave. It was largely a matter of growing apart in this respect.

And of course I have some regret. It would have been easier if she was lying, cheating or had undesirable traits but when someone is caring, and doesn't have a mean bone in their body, it is a different story. I really wish her the best and still care greatly about her well being.

Synergy, you made a smart decision by ending it.

Thanks. And i'll be digesting your 5 points from your first post from here on out. That said, the execution phase of my plans ( to work with a client and start a business) is upon me so the focus on women will have to abate for a while.

 

[CMNILS87]

I always said in some contexts, it's harder to be the dumper than the dumpee, as you are more susceptible to regret later on and carry the potential "what ifs."

Some thoughts to chew on:

1) Is she still sexually attractive to you?
2) Does she share common goals and interests?
3) Does she "add" to your life personally and professionally?
4) Does she not provoke unnecessary drama often (as compared to PMS intermittently) that detracts from your life?
5) Does she fully accept her feminine role and defer fully to you and your authority?

From what I get from your post, she is not intellectually stimulating--and I too--dumped girls for this very reason in the past. I often get this problem, and while it is a good quality for a partner, I also understand that you will never get the "perfect" partner; so I tend to focus on the above five baseline attributes, and seek intellectual stimulation in my professional pursuits.

You mentioned she doesn't have the drive to challenge you. Aren't you challenged enough in your professional pursuits, that you prefer to have a peaceful home to rest in devoid of challenges?

I too have asked that question to myself in the past. Everyone says they want a woman that challenges them. Honestly I have no ****ing idea what that means anymore. Don't we men as a collective just want a girl that is attracted to us, knows her place in the relationship, and says good job after you come home? If we're pushing to be the best and be at the top, how does a woman challenge us?

 

[jgoodz]

@synergy1
I too just recently ended a relationship similar like yours except. We were going on 1.5 years. She was ever thing I could ever want on paper. Yet there was something missing... A wonder. Something that you just can't explain. And I couldn't bring myself to it. The pressure of it gave me doubts. Which eventually led to a heart wrenching break up. You're lucky you nipped it in the butt early. Better now before it builds up and then it'll just end up worse down the line.

Also

I always said in some contexts, it's harder to be the dumper than the dumpee, as you are more susceptible to regret later on and carry the potential "what ifs."

Very true. My ex said to me ' I feel like you would rather have me break up with you. So it's easier for you. ' and in my head, I immediately replied yes... Yes it would be easier that way. I'm already feeling that regret and thinking 'what if...'


@synergy1 how old is she?

 

[sodbuster]

I'd take a bit boring, but I'm at a different stage in life. I've busted my azz most of my life..... I could use boring, I don't need a "challenge" at home. I'd prefer mildly boring...

 

[synergy1]

She was 28 when I started dating her and just turned 29. I turn 36 in a few months.

And a month or so later, I feel no regret doing what I did. Nor do I miss dating her. Sad but true. She was nice and there were fun times, but my original nack was spot on...there wasn't anything tangible. I still do hope she does well and finds someone who is good for her.

 

[Cejay]

@synergy1

I dumped a woman 2 wks ago and could have written your post almost word for word.

When we were together I found myself wishing I was doing other things, not being with other women, but working on my hobbies, career, travelling or with my friends.

I don't feel regret per se, what I feel is some guilt because I don't enjoy hurting nice people, and she was very hurt as it sounds like your now ex is too.

I don't think its all that natural for men to leave relationships - particularly ones that are "OK" but not awful.

5 months is enough time that you would know her well and if she was a great fit for you, you would have been enamored. Truth is that she deserves a guy who will be totally into her and I think, if it were right, you would have been but it sounds like you weren't.

Think back to other relationships, did you have women that you felt closer to, or more alive with, or just couldn't get enough of? I think thats the way we're to feel when things are "right."

If you believe in evolution and science, you might enjoy some of what Duana Welch has to say on the topic. She has 3 episodes on the Art of Charm podcast and I think it was about the middle of this one where she talked about the challenges men face ending "OK" relationships. It helped me, might help you.

Life is too short to live in an unhappy relationship. Make sure you're taking care of yourself, move forward and you'll be fine.

CJ

 

[Desdinova]

At 35, its safe to say that anyone you date is someone you at least envision the future together , even if the thought is ephemeral in nature . What scared me the most was a boring and predictable future where nothing changes and this single fact is what I think drove me away. She didn't have the drive to challenge me ( even though I think she was capable), and this complacency was ultimately the undoing.

What I've learned with women is that I really like when they follow me. I can do damn near anything I want and she'll come along for the ride or take an interest. You REALLY need to have a vast array of hobbies for this to work, or at the very least a desire to try new things.

Women are boring in general. They need leadership in their lives to make things interesting. Many women's original idea of a good time is to go out for drinks and gossip with their friends. Therefore, you cannot let her lead or your life will become boring. In other words, your boring and predictable future sounded like it rested on her ability to provide excitement in your life. It should be the other way around! A woman is merely a compliment and companion.

I've dated many women who were at different levels of "boring". The ones who were the worst were the ones who didn't have much to talk about, but that's because I'm not a really good conversationalist. The women I get along with the best are the ones who bring topics into the conversation. In other words, they made up in the department where I lacked. I'm not saying that I get along well with women who don't shut up (I don't), but women who have a good sense of conversation.

I have to say it again... your life is the one that needs to be interesting. Her job is to follow, support, help fuel the engine, and give you sex.