At what point do you stop "playing it cool" and completely cut a girl off?

[timble9]

I've been reading books like "How to become a 3% man" "book of pook" etc. and am a bit confused about what to do with this girl/situation and need some clarification.

Long story short, girl in a distant social circle that I've known for a year is very hot and cold. We'll go out, get drunk and hook up and then I'll try to reach out and suggest we get together sober and she'll either ignore me or make up an excuse.

She has some insecurities/trust issues I believe, because she has told me she came out of a 10 year relationship 2 years ago where she was cheated on repeatedly, was terrified of getting hurt and I seemed like the kind of guy that would break her heart.

After she ignores/flakes on me I then stop contacting her and "walk away", hook up with other girls and don't see or talk to her for months, but then the cycle repeats itself - we go out with friends, get drunk, she throws herself at me and I get sucked in again.

My issue is, I'm very attracted to her a have a great time when she is "hot" but when she goes "cold" it really messes with my head and makes me question my self-worth. I play it off like it doesn't bother me, I don't react to when she behaves badly, I just brush it off (on the surface) and move on with my life.

But then when we start seeing each other again through friends, I don't give her attention, she comes back, only to eventually show me complete disdain and make me feel like ****. It seems silly reading back over this because know I should just tell her to back off next time, but I always feel like I have "something to prove" to her and can't seem to break out of the cycle.

Acting like something doesn't affect you and not reacting to a situation to keep the door open if the girl decides to turn around and starts chasing you - does there come a point where this becomes void and you should just slam the door in their face entirely?

I mean it seems the issue I have with this girl is I won't see her for weeks/months and I feel like I move on, stop thinking about her entirely and see other women. But then she pops back into my life, I forget how she has disrespected me in the past, give her another chance and end up feeling like **** for weeks when she goes cold again.

 

[TheManMasenko]

Brother, god made this website just for you.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I've been reading books like "How to become a 3% man" "book of pook" etc. and am a bit confused about what to do with this girl/situation and need some clarification.

Long story short, girl in a distant social circle that I've known for a year is very hot and cold. We'll go out, get drunk and hook up and then I'll try to reach out and suggest we get together sober and she'll either ignore me or make up an excuse.

She has some insecurities/trust issues I believe, because she has told me she came out of a 10 year relationship 2 years ago where she was cheated on repeatedly, was terrified of getting hurt and I seemed like the kind of guy that would break her heart.

After she ignores/flakes on me I then stop contacting her and "walk away", hook up with other girls and don't see or talk to her for months, but then the cycle repeats itself - we go out with friends, get drunk, she throws herself at me and I get sucked in again.

My issue is, I'm very attracted to her a have a great time when she is "hot" but when she goes "cold" it really messes with my head and makes me question my self-worth. I play it off like it doesn't bother me, I don't react to when she behaves badly, I just brush it off (on the surface) and move on with my life.

But then when we start seeing each other again through friends, I don't give her attention, she comes back, only to eventually show me complete disdain and make me feel like ****. It seems silly reading back over this because know I should just tell her to back off next time, but I always feel like I have "something to prove" to her and can't seem to break out of the cycle.

Acting like something doesn't affect you and not reacting to a situation to keep the door open if the girl decides to turn around and starts chasing you - does there come a point where this becomes void and you should just slam the door in their face entirely?

I mean it seems the issue I have with this girl is I won't see her for weeks/months and I feel like I move on, stop thinking about her entirely and see other women. But then she pops back into my life, I forget how she has disrespected me in the past, give her another chance and end up feeling like **** for weeks when she goes cold again.

If you’re already reading Pook, get going as well on Richard Cooper, and then when you let that crystallize a bit you should go get in front of new women. I had a gnarly case of ONEItis over the summer, like embarrassing bad and the best thing I ever did was finally admit it and move on by coming here, picking up new ideas, a philosophy and community and then going out and getting more women. It can change quickly if you really want to work with it.

 

[timble9]

If you're hooking up with other girls why are you so fixated in this one? What's so different about her? I'll answer it for you, its called intermittent reward, its super addictive cause it plays with your mind and emotions, that's why casinos are so successful, because of intermittent rewards.

You just don't know when it will be good, so you keep repeating the cycle until this time "she comes to her senses" but in reality you're the problem here, not her, she's just doing what a women does, maybe she has buyer's remorse, maybe you're not much of a challenge, maybe she doesn't have interest in your for a long term, maybe she didn't want to be in her house bored and you're the monkey who entertains her for a fix of her puzz, who the fvck knows and who the fvck cares.

We all been there, work on yourself, get more women and kick this one to the curve. Easier said than done, but we gotta start somewhere.

Yeah I honestly couldn't tell you why and I've been wracking my brain trying to find the answer. I've been with girls who are much nicer and just as if not more attractive than her but still fixate on this one...the sex isn't even great either. The intermittent reward thing makes sense, its just difficult with the social circle thing because she's always around and seems convenient/easy at the time

 

[Atom Smasher]

It seems like you derive validation from her. It’s a bad position to be in.

She is a drug.

 

[Stanley]

Oneitis. Walk away

 

[SW15]

There's nothing healthy about this. For the sake of your own mental health, you need to walk away completely and forever.

 

[Igetit!]

Long story short, girl in a distant social circle that I've known for a year is very hot and cold. We'll go out, get drunk and hook up and then I'll try to reach out and suggest we get together sober and she'll either ignore me or make up an excuse.

Ok..........let me just ask a real/simple/basic question.......

What do you want with this girl? I can't tell.

You say you two get together and "hookup" from time to time....seems mainly when you're DRUNK. You want to sleep with the chick,I get that......but beyond that......what else are you looking for? Surely you don't want an ongoing relationship with her. Do you?
She's already shown you what dating her WILL BE like. I'll use YOUR words......

"She ignores me or makes up excuses"
"Flakes on me"
"Is hot and cold"
"Has DISRESPECTED YOU in the past"
"Shows you COMPLETE DISDAIN".
"You end up feeling like sh*t for weeks at a time".

And you need help on deciding whether or not to pursue this???

She has some insecurities/trust issues I believe, because she has told me she came out of a 10 year relationship 2 years ago where she was cheated on repeatedly, was terrified of getting hurt

Really....... So basically,she's "terrified" of getting treated the way SHE treats YOU.

Ok.

and I seemed like the kind of guy that would break her heart.

Oh,she'll be ok. If she was in a relationship for 10 YEARS where she was repeatedly cheated on,something tells me she could survive dating you.....which also tells me her reasoning is complete BULLSH*T.

After she ignores/flakes on me I then stop contacting her and "walk away", hook up with other girls and don't see or talk to her for months, but then the cycle repeats itself - we go out with friends, get drunk, she throws herself at me and I get sucked in again.

Goes back to my original question of what it is you want with the girl.

My issue is, I'm very attracted to her a have a great time when she is "hot" but when she goes "cold" it really messes with my head and makes me question my self-worth. I play it off like it doesn't bother me, I don't react to when she behaves badly, I just brush it off (on the surface) and move on with my life.

That "makes me question my self-worth" is a bad position to be in. This is like when a guy asks a girl out,she says yes,then he feels good about himself....or she says no and he feels bad about himself. That shouldn't be. Reason it's called SELF-worth is cause it should come from YOURSELF. Need to go do some self-reflection in the mirror,sir. If you let a chick's interest or not being interested control how YOU SEE yourself,you'll be at the mercy of any ole' chick who comes along.

Acting like something doesn't affect you and not reacting to a situation to keep the door open if the girl decides to turn around and starts chasing you - does there come a point where this becomes void and you should just slam the door in their face entirely?

Sir,the girl (as lovely as she may seem ) isn't the problem here.......

YOU ARE. Even if she disappeared tomorrow,this "self-worth" issue would still need to be addressed. I personally think you should THANK her. Without her BS,you probably wouldn't even know you had this internal issue to be resolved....although,you reading that 3% man book was a clue that you had/have some mental cleaning that needed to be done.

I mean it seems the issue I have with this girl is I won't see her for weeks/months and I feel like I move on, stop thinking about her entirely and see other women. But then she pops back into my life, I forget how she has disrespected me in the past, give her another chance and end up feeling like **** for weeks when she goes cold again.

Well again......I don't know what it is you want with her. I do think if you had your head on better and got your sense of self FROM YOURSELF,you could have had this issue fixed a long time ago. To me,it's like asking what 1+1 is....I don't need to make a thread for that,the answer is clear. You damn sure don't need a relationship with this girl........and given the fact she disrespects you,disdains you,and you feel like sh*t for weeks after interacting with her,you don't even need to have sex/sleep with her "from time to time" like you currently do.


But you have to see this for YOURSELF. Just some anonymous people on a forum telling you this won't cut it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You seemingly don't get the type of relationship you have and want something more. This isn't on her as if she is doing something wrong, this is on you for not being socially aware of how things are between you. You are trying to create something that doesn't exist.

You are a guy she goes out has fun with and hooks up with every once in a while. THAT IS ALL!

You trying to turn her into a regular girl who you see weekly or fvck regularly is not going to work. For whatever reason, that's your role in her life. Women slot guys into various categories, and you are the go out, have fun, and hook up guy.

You can either accept your role that you are in or you can not because your ego is hurt because you want more. Honestly I don't see the problem. This is a girl who you have on the side that will provide you with fun and sex randomly. You just have to accept it will never be anything more than that. You should stop worrying about her, start dating other women and just bang her when the opportunity arises.

Problem solved. This is only a problem because your ego won't accept she doesn't want anything other than that from you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It seems like you derive validation from her. It’s a bad position to be in.

She is a drug.

He simply doesn't get his role in her life and wants it to be a larger one which it never will be.

Honestly I don't see the problem with what's going on. He gets added sex from a woman randomly that could be added to other women he is getting sex from if he would simply stop trying to make the situation out to be far more than what it is.

 

[Bingo-Player]

You seemingly don't get the type of relationship you have and want something more. This isn't on her as if she is doing something wrong, this is on you for not being socially aware of how things are between you. You are trying to create something that doesn't exist.

You are a guy she goes out has fun with and hooks up with every once in a while. THAT IS ALL!

You trying to turn her into a regular girl who you see weekly or fvck regularly is not going to work. For whatever reason, that's your role in her life. Women slot guys into various categories, and you are the go out, have fun, and hook up guy.

You can either accept your role that you are in or you can not because your ego is hurt because you want more. Honestly I don't see the problem. This is a girl who you have on the side that will provide you with fun and sex randomly. You just have to accept it will never be anything more than that. You should stop worrying about her, start dating other women and just bang her when the opportunity arises.
.

I agree, for the level of involvement you don't need to over complicate it

The core behaviour is admittedly poor but pretty common in modern society

Women struggle to know what or who they want , pick wrong guys it goes horribly wrong and then another dude has to try and pick up the pieces

I don't like women like this and wouldn't really pursue for more than VERY casual sex and to be honest in this scenario i would probably be bored after 2/3 times anyway

 

[Dr.Suave]

Damn. I think our bro @Pedrito0906 is on spot here. Good feedback from other guys as well of course, but I feel pedrito really hit the nail in the head.

Maybe the healthy thing to do here is cut her off completely, Im not sure. Regardless, whatever happens, you banged her at least once, you won.

 

[Dr.Suave]

@Pedrito0906 any updates on the threesome? Is the single mom gonna walk the walk or is she all talk?

 

[SW15]

The whole topic of "playing it cool" seems to have gotten more relevant in the last 10-20 years. I perceive that "playing it cool" has taken on increased importance in the Millennial generation. I'm not sure if this is a thing for Gen Z, but all the people I've heard talk about "playing it cool" in real life have all been 1980s born Millennials.

I've heard from men that I would consider to be beta about the idea of "playing it cool". When a lot of betas try to "play it cool", it gets interpreted as disinterest.

Text messaging contributes to this because it is so de-personalized. It is quite difficult to build a romantic connection on text messages. So a lot of men will not pick up a phone for voice communication in an attempt to look like they are "playing it cool". However, this effort doesn't have the intended outcome as their limited interaction comes off as disinterest.

Women are also good at appearing disinterested in interactions. Some of that is purposeful behavior but most of it has to do with female abundance. Women have had abundance of prospects in the last 20 years. It started with online dating websites and then got worse with the swipe apps. Women have also been dealing with DMs dating back to the cool days of Facebook in the late 2000s and more so in the last decade with Instagram DMs. The typical woman would see their number of prospects drop by over 90% if they deleted their swipe apps and rarely used Instagram and other social media outlets.

 

[timble9]

I know what it feels when it happened to me man, its a fvcking drug who you just can't let go, it drove me to do crazy things, even driving 20 hours to see her for a weekend from TX to SC, and then after a day she turned horrible and I was there in another state far from home. Definitely hit rock bottom.

Thanks for the replies everyone.I honestly don't really know what I want/wanted from her other than sex, she is in no way the kind of person I could see myself having a serious relationship with. And even then, the sex I had with her was not great because she would only hit on me and initiate it when drunk, no interest when sober and I've had far better sex with another girl recently who is head over heels for me and makes getting together effortless.

I had made the decision a few weekends ago after we had been making out all night on NYE to completely drop her because she ended up going cold and bailing on me, then ignoring my follow up text the next day. I had been no contact, moving on with my life, knew I was going to see her at a party two weekends ago but wasn't too phased as I hadn't been thinking about her too much and just wanted to have a good time with my friends.

So I had planned to tell her to leave it be and contact me when we sober up if she tried anything. At the party, she eventually followed me into the bathroom and tried to kiss me, I said something along the lines of "how can I be sure you're not just going to ghost me again" she apologized, reiterating that she was just afraid of getting hurt, then proceeded to give me head in the bathroom and took me back to her house where we banged, stayed the night and she dropped me off the next day. Things seemed fine.

I text her a few days later and she left me on read, bumped into her through friends on the weekend and she just gave me the cold shoulder. Seems exactly like the intermittent reward concept you were mentioning that's got me hooked. I can think of another girl I had a brief fling with (between the girl who goes hot/cold on me) who was far better looking and the sex was way way better, but I had only known her for a brief time so when she said that she didn't want to hook up anymore because it was "messing with her head" I really didn't care and moved on in days.

Although she is attractive and it's very easy for me to get together with her when we're drunk because she just throws herself at me, I don't really have a good time having drunk sex (whiskey **** more often than not), she won't see me sober and this cycle just messes with my head. I'm definitely going to shut her down if she cracks on again in the future

 

[Barrister]

Thanks for the replies everyone.I honestly don't really know what I want/wanted from her other than sex, she is in no way the kind of person I could see myself having a serious relationship with. And even then, the sex I had with her was not great because she would only hit on me and initiate it when drunk, no interest when sober and I've had far better sex with another girl recently who is head over heels for me and makes getting together effortless.

I had made the decision a few weekends ago after we had been making out all night on NYE to completely drop her because she ended up going cold and bailing on me, then ignoring my follow up text the next day. I had been no contact, moving on with my life, knew I was going to see her at a party two weekends ago but wasn't too phased as I hadn't been thinking about her too much and just wanted to have a good time with my friends.

So I had planned to tell her to leave it be and contact me when we sober up if she tried anything. At the party, she eventually followed me into the bathroom and tried to kiss me, I said something along the lines of "how can I be sure you're not just going to ghost me again" she apologized, reiterating that she was just afraid of getting hurt, then proceeded to give me head in the bathroom and took me back to her house where we banged, stayed the night and she dropped me off the next day. Things seemed fine.

I text her a few days later and she left me on read, bumped into her through friends on the weekend and she just gave me the cold shoulder. Seems exactly like the intermittent reward concept you were mentioning that's got me hooked. I can think of another girl I had a brief fling with (between the girl who goes hot/cold on me) who was far better looking and the sex was way way better, but I had only known her for a brief time so when she said that she didn't want to hook up anymore because it was "messing with her head" I really didn't care and moved on in days.

Although she is attractive and it's very easy for me to get together with her when we're drunk because she just throws herself at me, I don't really have a good time having drunk sex (whiskey **** more often than not), she won't see me sober and this cycle just messes with my head. I'm definitely going to shut her down if she cracks on again in the future

OP - she is bread-crumbing you. And you are taking the bait every time. Your comment to her about "not being able to be sure she won't ghost you again" was just beyond cringe. Don't ever let a woman know she has this power over you mentally. You are engaged in the "push-pull" dynamic with her, but she is the one pulling the strings, not you. This is a completely untenable situation to continue in.

@Atom Smasher nailed it earlier -- this woman is like a drug to you. Hence why you keep wanting to swallow it and deal with all of the sh1t that results even when you know it is not going to end well for you every time. The best thing to do is cut this out cold turkey. It is good you already have other women around. I would suggest that until you are sure you can control yourself that you not even put yourself in a situation where you might give in again to her advances at the next random party or wherever. Don't kid yourself you can deal with it because right now your addiction is strong. Get yourself to a point where your body's cravings have been erased. Maybe that takes 6 months or a year. But don't put yourself around her. You need to move on.

Good luck, brother.