at a crossroads...

[armstrong]

I posted this in the main forum but I'm posting it here as well at the suggestion of another poster...

This is my first post here and I decided to post because I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm also in need of some real know-how and motivation when it comes to dating.

I'm 28 years old and recently divorced. I never dated before my ex. She and I were married about two years. I'm a good-looking guy but didn't have the looks or confidence growing up, so I never dated until I got into my twenties. So to that end, I feel inexperienced when it comes to dating. I just don't know what to say or do when it comes to women.

As my divorce neared, I was really excited about dating again. I couldn't wait to get out there and date all kinds of women. It's been over six months and that hasn't happened yet. I haven't had one date. Needless to say it's pretty frustrating.

I have no problems or fear approaching women. I get phone numbers and women openly flirt and tell me they like me. The problem is getting anywhere after that point. When I call, my calls don't get returned or she's busy. Or the girl will suddenly appear to have lost all interest. I just don't understand it and I'm fed up.

On top of all this, I just moved to a new city so I don't know anyone outside of work. There have been a few women who flirt with me at work, but I feel like I blew it at the company Christmas party. For reasons I can't explain, I often feel uncomfortable at events like that. I felt it was a golden opportunity to be social and impress a woman there, but I just felt depressed. I would have loved to have gotten out there and danced, but I don't know how. I'm hoping to take lessons someplace and learn.

I'm here because I want and need change in this area of my life. I'm sick and tired of not being able to get a date and I'm sick and tired of being lonely. I feel like my looks and personality aren't enough to make things happen and I don't know what else I can do with what I have. Any serious thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

The Victory Unlimited New Recruit Briefing:


Consider the information you get here as WEAPONS for you to sample. Pick out a few, try them out, use them on a few FIELD MISSIONS, THEN decide whether or not THAT weapon is worthy to be added to YOUR arsenal.

If not, then throw it away and yank another big assed Uzi from off the DJ Gunrack. Do this until you get SO comfortable using the techniques, strategies, and weapons that you INTERNALIZE THEM---and they become a part of who YOU are. You must focus on becoming a LIVING WEAPON.

Never change anything you like about yourself (ESPECIALLY if it's working) just because the DJ Bible or some famous poster says it's Whack. Filter your training here through the lens of behaviors that you have ALREADY battle-tested for yourself. Is who YOU are working? Or is it NOT?

Dont' fall into the trap of HORIZONTAL THINKING and assume like many here that ALL women are EXACTLY the same. Yes, there are MANY similiarities, so ONLY those that break the mold in a POSITIVE way should merit more than 5 minutes of your concentrated attention. Until one rises to the top by the BEHAVIORS towards you that she exhibits, treat them all the same.

Continue to focus on being a better man. Sosuave is just a headquarters, a training ground, a military school for you to use to build yoursef into a TRUE MASCULINE MAN. In MY branch of the sosuave Armed Services, this is defined as a MAN who rules himself----and is NOT ruled by women, his hormones, his weaknesses, OR the 'half-assed" opinions of other people. So BATTLE-TEST everything...

As you go about your missions, you will find that there are women that you need to use only a minimum amount of strategies, techniques, and weapons to engage. And you will also meet women who REQUIRE that you use your WHOLE arsenal in order to engage. Much of this depends on how high that woman's interest in YOU actually is.

Growth into a mature man is often predicated on how well you can discern the two apart, AND how DEDICATED you are to ONLY engaging those women that you suspect will ultimately ADD to your life rather than detract from it.

Welcome to the War, soldier.

You HAVE been briefed.

March on!

 

[armstrong]

Thanks for the briefing! I'm in such a funk right now it's not even funny. I feel like all women are treating me the same way no matter what I do or don't know. I'm at a point now where when a new woman smiles or flirts with me, I either ignore her or get upset because I think to myself, "Oh great, here's another one that wants to play games with me." How screwed up is that? lol

I just need some real direction, as I have no idea what to do at this point in my life. I've tried not to place any value on women I pursue but that doesn't seem to work either. Ignoring them always ends up with them ignoring me back. I'm officially out of ideas.

 

[Interceptor]

Armstrong, watch this video.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7hgnu7kcPg&feature=related

Say this repeatedly:

I don't need validation from Women.

I am full of Self Esteem and Value.

I give Value to others.

.,...because I have enough to GIVE..

...NOT ALWAYS TAKE.

 

[Eddie417]

First off you're being too hard on yourself. Recently divorced=special circumstances.

After a divorce most guys are slightly nuts. No one skates through that, if they do it's because they haven't dealt with it. Get your ass in the gym, buy some clothes, hang out with friends, get your head screwed on straight then get back into the fray.

When I got divorced when I was even younger than you, I didn't have morning wood for 6 months I was so screwed up and I'm the one who walked out!

One thing about divorce is that when you do straighten out you'll realize that you're 10X tougher than you thought and it'll all fall into place. A year after my D I was rolling in ***** and having a great time. But you can't force it. If you think you can screw your way into getting over a divorce you're wrong and newly divorced guys often give off a bad vibe like smoke that women can feel a mile away.

Do what I said, I know I always say "hit the gym" but it's true, it gives you focus, makes you feel great and look great, releases endorphins etc., etc. Start there and everything else will fall into place.

 

[armstrong]

First off you're being too hard on yourself. Recently divorced=special circumstances.

After a divorce most guys are slightly nuts. No one skates through that, if they do it's because they haven't dealt with it. Get your ass in the gym, buy some clothes, hang out with friends, get your head screwed on straight then get back into the fray.

When I got divorced when I was even younger than you, I didn't have morning wood for 6 months I was so screwed up and I'm the one who walked out!

One thing about divorce is that when you do straighten out you'll realize that you're 10X tougher than you thought and it'll all fall into place. A year after my D I was rolling in ***** and having a great time. But you can't force it. If you think you can screw your way into getting over a divorce you're wrong and newly divorced guys often give off a bad vibe like smoke that women can feel a mile away.

Do what I said, I know I always say "hit the gym" but it's true, it gives you focus, makes you feel great and look great, releases endorphins etc., etc. Start there and everything else will fall into place.

I've been working out since I was 14 years old, so my physique is the least of my problems. In fact, women frequently notice and will even make comments. But they still won't go out with me. Now THAT is frustrating!

I want to hang out with friends, but I just moved to a new city so I don't know anyone outside of work. I'd love to make lots of new friends but I just don't know where to start.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Armstrong,


Any "soldier" who has been in battles (interactions) for long periods of time WITHOUT winning (seeing marked success with women, no matter what your ultimate goals are), suffers wounds.

I suggest to you that you take the pressure OFF yourself, and take a little time to lick your wounds and reflect. And when I say "reflect", I mean do a "little" analysis of all areas of your life. But NOT to the point where it becomes self-pitying navel-picking, but rather, as a means to self evaluate.

And during this time, consider going through the Mature Man Boot Camp. It will probably help you break down what you need to know in a step by step basis as you learn certain strategies and try out different techniques.

Also, spend time reading threads on here that address both your general AND specific concerns. Concentrate on working on yourself FIRST, and learn to enjoy your own company MORE------and revel in your own INDIVIDUAL successes.

Pressure makes pipes burst, and pressure ALSO makes blood pressures rise, and pressure has a way of radiating from desparate men in such a fashion that some women will reject them BEFORE they even completely approach. NONE of these scenarios are good.

YOU are your number one priority.

Remember that.

Also, check your private messages------I just suggested the beginnings of a "Recommended Reading List" for you.


Peace...TODAY.

 

[Interceptor]

That's why when I saw he was recenlty divorced, just 6 months ago, and was already sounding desperate and negative..I knew it wasn't a good start.

He isn't focusing on himself and his HEALING like I mentioned in the original post.

You have to decide WHAT YOU WANT, Armstrong.

Then you COMMIT to the ACTIONS Necessary to take you there.

good health
good home
good car
good income
good hobbies
good friends
good times

a GOOD LIFE.

At this point, ifyou are 'lucky' you will only ATTRACT low self esteem women who will probably not value you or appreciate you the way you want to be appreciated.


In other owrds, you need to pick yourself up and put yourSELF BACK TOGETHER.

Take your FOCUS OFF "getting a date" (as in "OMFG! When will I ever get a freakin' date! These women are just b*tches! All of them!! Can't they see I need a date??!!!")

.and retrain your FOCUS on YOU and YOUR GOALS.

And no, brother, despite what you 'think" you are not ready to "date".

Get rid of the needieness and desperation, man.You don't need female validation, and female attention can be a drug of sorts, so be careful.

I'm not saying stop being a man, on the contrary, maximize your fullest potential. Recognoize yourself and your wants and desires, and NEEDs too.

But you're not in the PROPER Mind Set right n ow.
Understand?


Focus on your life and having fun. Self discovery,. Explore. Learn. Investigate,

Enjoy.


dude, how can you truly appreciate a woman, when you can't appreciate yourSELF?

Like I said, the more you NEED, the LESS YOU WILL GET.

the more you TAKE, the LESS people will be WILLING TO GIVE.

 

[armstrong]

good health
good home
good car
good income
good hobbies
good friends
good times

a GOOD LIFE.

Focus on your life and having fun. Self discovery,. Explore. Learn. Investigate,

Enjoy.


dude, how can you truly appreciate a woman, when you can't appreciate yourSELF?

Like I said, the more you NEED, the LESS YOU WILL GET.

the more you TAKE, the LESS people will be WILLING TO GIVE.

I have all these except the friends because I'm a new guy in a new city. So do I pretend I don't need any women just so they'll come to me? I appreciate what you're saying but it's just not making sense to me. I just don't understand what all the giving and taking is about. Should I sit at my desk and never approach a hottie at work? Should I keep walking when a cute girl smiles at me? I'm already doing those things lol.

My divorce isn't hindering me as much as not knowing what to do is. I do appreciate myself. I'm a good-looking guy, have a great job, value myself, yet find myself alone. That is what's so frustrating.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Our Spiritual Intelligence/Tactical Officer INTERCEPTOR is correct!


Grief over the loss of the intimacy of something as binding as a MARRIAGE can most surely be devastating. The pain of it could very well be making ARMSTRONG put more weight on attracting and keeping women than HE is able to bare yet at this time.

And I don't think that ARMSTRONG has any real self-esteem issues, as opposed to a constant frustration with not getting the women he wants.

However, the end result is still the same. The more he works to build himself up to the point where he doesn't FEEL the pressure to succeed with women to the extent where he DOES begin to let it effect his self esteem.

GRIEF is a word that is associated with a sense of loss...and when we all reach a point where we consider the "EXITING" of women from our lives as more THEIR loss than ours-------half the battle is already won.


March on.

 

[Eddie417]

I've been working out since I was 14 years old, so my physique is the least of my problems. In fact, women frequently notice and will even make comments. But they still won't go out with me. Now THAT is frustrating!

I want to hang out with friends, but I just moved to a new city so I don't know anyone outside of work. I'd love to make lots of new friends but I just don't know where to start.

Good for you. I guess what I'm trying to say is focus on improving something about yourself. I picked physique 'cuz that's usually a no-brainer. The problem is that you're a little beat down and judging yourself by your interaction with the opposite sex. Put that on the back burner and take care of yourself. I have a friend that was quite fit like yourself and started taking voice lessons after a divorce. Now he's singing part-time in a band. Totally turned his life around.

Do something for yourself bro. You're too banged up to be worried about women right now.

 

[Interceptor]

Armstrong, do you feel like you need a woman to pay attention to you?

Basically, do you feel upset at being "ignored"?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Also,


ARMSTRONG, I would suggest you "befriend" some of the GUYS at work rather than solely the women. That way, after work, you can all go out on the town to happy hours, sporting events, group meetings, etc.-------and go approach women AWAY from work.

Also, if your time or schedule permits, consider joining some clubs that are based around some of your favorite hobbies. That way, when you meet women there, the atmosphere will be more relaxed overall. This usually is a breeding ground of LESS FLAKY women, simply because you may have more of an opportunity to get to know them BEFORE you ask them out.

I have found that SOME women are less prone to flake on a guy who they KNOW they will have to see again-------eventually. Also, unlike the work situation, there is less possible negative side effects of a date that doesn't work out-----(see-----You don't have to worry about putting your job in jeopardy over a bad break up with a woman.).

But again, continue to work on YOU for awhile. And as opportunities to meet women arises-----TAKE THEM.

Just don't "stress" over the frequencies or the ultimate success rates of these interactions.

 

[armstrong]

Armstrong, do you feel like you need a woman to pay attention to you?

Basically, do you feel upset at being "ignored"?

Nah, I don't feel upset at being ignored because I realize not all women are going to be attracted to me. I don't need a woman's attention, but it sure would be nice!

 

[Interceptor]

OK,cool
We're getting somewhere.


Now, when I say "GIVE" and "
TAKE", this is what I mean:

When a Man is feeling lonely, underappreciated, lacks self esteem, and self love..where do you think he may get this from? He know he needs it, right?

He tries to steal it from others.

(he is disingenuine about his intentions. He desperately tries to keep people in his company. He is always looking for attention and validation. He tries to get people to be with him, becasue he know they wouldn't do it on their own. So sometimes he even manipulates people with gifts, or guilt so they stay and give him the things he doesn't know how to provide for himself)

he becomes a 'leecher". he tries to have other people support him and love him, "prop him up", when he can't do it for himSELF.
When you are doing this,you are looking for validation, and affection, and love, these things which you ARE NOT PROVIDING for youSELF.

Hence, the semll of desperation, because the less you have the more you NEED, the more YOU NEED, the more desperate you get to fin d it and tAKE IT form someone. Since you are not providng it yourself.

That is the "taker". In that he tries to get things from people, because is self love is so scarce, he CANNOT GIVE to others.
He has nothing to truly GIVE to others.


A GIVER on the other hand HAS PLENTY of
self esteem
confidence
affection
self assurance
Patience
tolerance
self Love
compassion
consideration
humor
curiosity
independent
ability to have FUN. To GIVE to others.

Thus, becasue he is not living in SCARCITY...
......he has PLENTY TO GIVE TO OTHERS.

He BRINGS VALUE to the table.

People want to be around HIM because he gives VALUE to others.

"Gee, Armstrong, you sure are fun to be around, man! You are a blast! And thanks for bneing there for me the other day, that was cool of you, bro!"






OK, then.
Some observations then...

You don't seem to be "bothered" or grieving about your Divorce.
Strange.
But not necessarily bad, if you are TRULY 'over" it.
If you have gone through the proper steps to Healing, and you are there, that's really great for you, man.

If you haven't and are just ignoring it and not paying it the proper respect, then you're deluding yourself, and making it harder for us to help you.

So my guess is that you may be lacking social skills. You may be socially mal adjusted.
Being married for so long does often atrophy social skills.
Perhaps you need better social calibration.

You need more "technical" skill in Dating as well, this is plainly obvious.

But I still say since you are TOO focused on 'getting a date", that you are still coming across as a "try hard".
You may be coming off miscalibrated and coming on 'too strong".

Perhaps you need to refine and sharpen your flirting skills, innuendo, body language, eye contactc, and kino, and of ocurse how to escalate physically and isolate and close.

OK, so I ammend to your reading list that I (and VU ) suggested and believ you shoudl look into the mroe Dating orineted Technical Skill people:

David DeAngelo
http://www.doubleyourdating.com/CD122/

http://doubleyourdating.com/0/Catalog/

Wayne "Juggler" Elise
http://www.charismaarts.com/


Michael W "The Dating Wizard"
http://www.thedatingwizard.com/index.html


So, like I said, start by going to the resources I provided for you.
Try to re evaluate if you're TRULY , I mean TRULY Sincere with your SELF and US, Armstrong.

ANd keep hitting the gym. Eating righ, living well and healthy.
Stay positive.