Asperger's Syndrome: advice and a request for help

[monkeegutz]

I’ve known that I had Asperger’s Syndrome for about two years now. When I began, I was a straight-A 11th grader who knew no one, spoke to nobody and did nothing at school. I had, literally, no life. That was a long time ago. After nearly two years of work, scouring nearly every forum, reading every scrap of material I could get my hands on, I’ve reached the point where I can almost pass as “normal”. However, I’m still lacking in a few areas of the whole social “picture”. The skills I have developed are still lacking in a few places.

Thus, the purpose of this article is twofold. I’ve made it to the point where I can’t really learn anymore on my own: I need some help from yall. Please, take a look at what I do, down below, and throw in some advice (especially if you had one of these particular problems!)

Also, if you are like me two years ago, just discovering that you have Aspergers (or think you may have it) then please use what I have learned to your advantage. If I can help just one person in writing this, it will be worth it. If you need more details, feel free to send me a message, and I’ll help you as much as I can.

Please also remember this: While the contents of this article have been developed over a long period of time, I am still bound by the limitations of Asperger’s Syndrome. As such, it is very hard for me to see my own shortcomings, and it is quite plausible that some of my techniques are incomplete or inaccurate. If you do something differently, please test out both methods, and post what you do so that everyone can learn from it. 

When inspecting my disorder, I broke down Asperger’s Syndrome into six or seven different problem areas which I will explain in the sections below. Each of these sections will include an explanation of what the problem entails, my (potentially flawed) opinion of how that affects me in relation to other people, the coping mechanism I use to offset that trait, and the problems associated with said mechanism. Along each section, I will also suggest how someone else could begin learning the same basic concepts I use.

Recognizing people

Description: I have a near-complete inability to recognize people. Over time, I naturally overcome this, but that’s a matter of not days, but weeks. Even with people I do recognize, it takes much longer than normal to tell who they are with any degree of confidence.

Impacts: Social awkwardness at beginning of conversations; I walk many people by and don’t even think I know them until they say something to me. I think that many people think I am uninterested in any type of friendship because of this.

Coping skill (Recognition)

Description: Using my near-photographic memory and by categorizing people by obvious physical traits, I can generally recognize any given person within about 15 seconds without the help of other social cues (which, naturally, make the process much faster).

Weaknesses: Requires continual maintenance to use; Each person I add to the list has to be categorized before they can be memorized, meaning that I need to write their information down and add it to my master list before I can start recognizing them. In addition, the 15 seconds, while better than nothing, is still far too long to use in normal social situations. It may sound otherwise, but staring at someone for that long looks sketchy and it gets awkward.

Suggestions: If this is an area you are having serious trouble with, there are a few things you can do to help curb the problem. First, make sure you are using enough eye contact. It really helps in making a connection with someone, and it’ll help in remembering them too. If that fails, you have to go on to something like what I do. Start recording information about everyone you meet. Everyone. Memorize every person’s body type, face type, hair color/length, physical fitness, height and weight. If someone you run into fits closely, keep eye contact with them and see if they look back at you or act like they know you. When in doubt, just walk up to them all friendly-like and say hey! If they know you, they’ll say “hey man! how's it going?” and if not, you just got a chance to make a new friend

Body Language

Description: Hand-in-hand with recognizing people, reading body language is all but impossible to me. Someone without this problem might be able to relate to it by imagining looking at a block of ice and thinking “its just a bunch of water, shaped differently!”, whereas a normal person would be able to see the ice for what it is. Likewise, before working on this problem, I completely missed some parts of nonverbal communication, and while I knew others were there, and I could see when they were occurring, I could not tell what was being said.

Impacts: These social cues actually turn out to be pretty nifty. Missing them means that it’s hard to tell when someone is sad or angry, or frustrated or bored with a conversation. When you say someone’s clueless, you are probably referring to this.

Coping skill (Body Language)

Description: This was a relatively gradual process. At first, I used movies and television shows to build a list of what people look like in certain states, comparing it to what people expressed in real life. I learned pretty quickly that movies are nothing like real life whatsoever, but it was a start. Afterwards, I began using the internet, pictures, a vast amount of research from the most unlikely sources, until a consistent base of information was made. Each time I found a new expression, I searched for a match with an emotion or reaction, and each time I made a match, I tested it until it proved to be correct, in which case, I remembered it, or incorrect, in which case I tried again. At this point, I have almost every expression people usually us (and as such, every emotion) memorized.

Weaknesses: The method only works on emotional states I have identified. At this point the only state I haven’t done so with is interest. Most of the time, I need eye contact to get the most (if anything) out of this. In addition, I have to consciously focus to read body language, and multitasking with everything else quickly becomes cumbersome.

Suggestions: Again, the best thing to do at first is make sure you have enough eye contact. They say that “they eyes are the gateway into the soul”. They’re probably wrong, but its close enough for me. In addition to watching the other person’s eyes (not too much!), make sure you read the other parts of their body language, as detailed in a number of freely available guides online.

Hearing Problems

Description: Well, this one is a tough call… I’m not even sure if this is the problem or if it is really the sum of a couple other things making me think that I have this. It seems like, whenever I hear someone talk, it takes me a bit longer to actually think through what they said. Sometimes, I will ask someone to repeat something, but by the time they open their mouth, I’m good. This is also strange because it doesn’t fit the bill for a normal Asperger’s case. Strange.

Impacts: I’m always just a second or two behind in a conversation. I can often think of great replies, but just as someone else is about to say (or already has begun saying) something. This makes me seem untalkative or antisocial, when really I just need some more time. Sometimes I can’t keep up and have to drop syllables or words and guesstimate at what was said.

Coping skills (Hearing Problems)

Description: A little skill in lip-reading has gone a far way for me here.
Weaknesses: Lip-reading sucks. You have to pay attention the whole time someone’s talking and it doesn’t always work for me. Also, I can’t lip-read and keep eye contact so I have to pick between remembering people/body language and understanding what they’re saying. When I guess at what people said, sometimes my guesses are off (sometimes by a lot!)…making my responses have nothing whatsoever to do with what was said.

Suggestions: The easiest way to learn to lip-read is to start watching TV and turn the volume down to one notch below where you can barely understand it. Try to fill in the ‘gaps’ where you can’t quite understand by watching the character’s lips for the missed syllables. Gradually turn down the volume as you get better until you can understand most of the conversation at a very low volume level. It is important to get much better than is absolutely necessary so you aren’t looking at someone’s lips the entire time—try, when doing it in real life, to use your peripheral vision for lip reading (yes, I know its hard) when possible.

 

[monkeegutz]

Humor

Description: Well this one is simple… I’m just straight up not funny… to begin with at least. This is one of the places where I’ve improved the most in the last year and a half.

Impacts: Well, I was less interesting to talk to. Really not much to say here

Coping skill (Humor)

Description: Well, you can’t just learn one trick to become funny. My response here was actually relatively simple: I hung out around the really popular, fun, exciting people I knew, as much as possible. I watched all the funny movies, read the jokes, listened to the stand-up routines. And I took notes. I remembered everything someone said or did that made someone laugh, and as soon as conveniently possible, I recorded them and tried to improve on them. I then reused the jokes, playing around with timing, body language and joke presentation until I got the concept right.
If you need to work on this subject, you should start out by

Weaknesses: Well, once you learn to be funny, there are no disadvantages to it. Just getting there is rough though. Be prepared to get a lot of funny looks until you figure out what works and what doesn’t.
Suggestions: Learning to be funny is also a long road. You should start off by sitting down and listening to a ton of comedy central. Watch Dane Cook, Mitch Hedberg, Brian Regan (my favorite three), south park, family guy, the simpsons. Try some Chris Rock while you’re at it. Once you have committed a large amount of standup comedy and funny television shows to memory, start hanging out with your coolest friends as much as possible. Remember what they do to make people laugh. Be sure to not only remember this joke, but identify what exactly they did to make it funny, so if the same opportunity comes up again in a different crowd, you can both recycle the joke and use the basic idea for other jokes on the same thread.

Interesting Conversation

Description: On the surface, it appears that I have no problems holding a conversation the first time I meet someone. Ask the usual questions…diverge to a random topic based on his/her answers, etc etc. The next conversation doesn’t go so well. It usually starts with ‘whats up’ and then ends with ‘nothing much’. This problem seems to come from a few sources. First, because I was antisocial for the larger portion of my life, I don’t have as many experiences to talk about. Second, I seem to lack a certain creativity (and this is one of my few problems which I find in not only normal interaction, but AIM and phone too) which others have. They can just come up with exciting things to joke about so much more easily than me.

Impacts: Try having friends when you have nothing to talk about. Fun, aint it?

Coping skill (Interesting Conversation)

Description: Coping skill…..or lack thereof. Usually I just try to pay attention and pick up off a thread the other person mentions. I really can’t find a good way to work this one out. In the end, I just tried to find as many things as I could to be able to talk about, and try to bring them up whenever I can.

Weaknesses: Coping skill? I see no such thing!

Suggestions: Well, if you are like me, and at first have no real interest in sports/music/movies/television, you need to start there. Keep up on current events so when worst comes to worse, you can bring one of those up. There is a gigantic gaping hole in my ability to act ‘normal’ and it’s centered around this.

Hand-Eye coordination

Description: Along with most other Asperger cases, anything involving motor skills naturally comes slowly to me. This includes learning simpler tasks such as tying my shoes, as well as things such as throwing a football or frisbee.

Impacts: This really dosen’t merit explaining, but along with many of the other issues stated above, this makes me appear ‘nerdier’ because I can’t play sports worth jack.

Coping skill (Hand-Eye coordination)

Description: I have no real solution for this, despite trying a variety of different techniques to make myself better at ball sports. Interestingly enough, I have become ambidextrous along the way, meaning that I can use both hands equally well (but still really poorly compared to most people) You don’t even want to see my handwriting..

Weaknesses: None, except for the part where my solution doesn’t solve anything. Frankly, I don’t know how to work around this kind of problem. There’s nothing for me to memorize, nothing where I can think through a solution. It’s just something you either have, or you don’t… and I don’t.
Suggestions: I suppose the best solution thus far was to attack the problem directly, and try to learn to play basketball, soccer and football as soon as possible, and then try to play them as much as you can. Ambidexterity is relatively easy to reach, all you have to do is begin doing minor tasks with your off hand (I was already slightly cross-dominant, so this was easier for me) and work up to more complicated things like hand writing and the such. 

Insomnia

Description: From the various forums I’ve visited, I believe this is another trait common to Asperger’s syndrome. When I lie in bed, I can’t go to sleep, instead I think of all sorts of things: reviewing everything that happened in the day, thinking through game strategies, music runs through my head

Impacts: Coping with Asperger’s Syndrome for any amount of time is very exhausting. Being tired while trying to deal with it compounds the problem greatly. Managing everything under ideal circumstances is nigh impossible, but when I’m already spent to begin with, my deficiencies really start to show much worse. I tend to get very quiet and eventually just sit there and watch the conversation go back and forth because I can’t keep up quickly enough to fit an appropriate response before the next person chimes in.

Coping skill (Insomnia)

Description: I found that a few meditation techniques which once mastered, prove pretty effective for going to sleep.
Weaknesses: Once you get skilled enough to calm yourself down, there are no real weaknesses to this skill.

Suggestions: Calming down your mind is just a matter of self-discipline. It would be best to try and read a few articles on it. First, relax all your muscles and make your breathing slow and steady. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Focus your attention on your breathing. Stop any other lines of thought, and make the sound of your own breath and heartbeat the only things on your mind. Now start to lose focus on them. After this…well, this is usually the part where I fall asleep, so I can’t tell you what to do next

 

[monkeegutz]

Smaller problems

In addition to all this, there are also a couple smaller problems associated with having Asperger’s syndrome (or just social problems in general) which should be addressed. Most of these can be easily solved once you notice that you have the said problem. Take a quick look and ask yourself “am I doing this right?” a minute change in your eye contact or handshake can greatly change how you are perceived.

Eye Contact: Eye contact should be between 25% and 40% when talking and between 75% and 85% while listening. If the topic is very personal or serious, eye contact should be at least 80% of the time for the whole time you are on said topic. This is really important; eye contact shows confidence and interest, as well as improving many of the major areas noted above. When in doubt, err a little to the higher end of the spectrum.

Posture/Body Language: You should sit/stand with your back straight (unless the event/general mood is very relaxed, in which case you should try to fit the mold). Working out will help this. Stand confident, with your feet at least a foot and a half apart, pointed straight ahead or slightly out. Look ahead, not down. Take your hands out of their pockets and let them hang by your side. Motions that hold part of your body closer to your center display defensiveness, while their opposite: hands out of the pockets, feet apart, etc, shows a readiness to act.

Handshakes: Handshakes should last about 1.5 seconds, and should be firm. Don’t give a weak handshake, it shows a lack of confidence. On the other hand, be careful with girls: you still need a strong handshake, but don’t crush their hand.

Fidgeting: I know it’s tempting, but you can’t fidget, it shows impatience. People with Asperger’s know what I mean. I’m sorry, but the weird repetitive hand motions just have to go.

Aversion to light/sound/pain: I don’t know how to explain how to manage this, you just have to look around and if everyone else is cool with the level of the music, you need to just cope. Pain: if you’re a man, and you can’t take a little pain, it’s going to look really bad for you. I got cured of this one by the 13th time I had to remove an ingrown toenail using nothing but a pocketknife and a pair of tweezers… but I don’t advise that path for everyone…..

Other Problems

Having all these coping mechanisms imposes limitations of its own. These are perhaps one of my biggest concerns as of now in getting better. Almost every skill I use either demands extensive use of my photographic memory (recognizing people, body language, humor) or an extreme amount of thinking or focus to maintain (body language, lipreading and interesting conversation). I can usually manage quite well with one person, but when two or three (or 10-20 at a party) come into the mix, there’s too much to handle and I can’t filter it out, so something has to give. Thus, while I can usually handle one-on-one interactions adequately, I can’t work a group nearly as easily.

With friends like this….

Despite all the effort of learning, adapting, becoming more complete, perhaps the hardest thing for me has been holding on. I can honestly say that I can count the number of friends I have on one hand. Brian, Kevin, India, Brandon and Eric. In the time of one day, two of them, Kevin and India lied to my face to keep me from hanging out with them (as a side note, I’m actually kind of proud of the time where India lied, she told me that she was going to be “cleaning her room” the following day…I caught the lie easily enough, though to this day I don’t know the truth…but I digress…) With my ‘friends’ lying to me, and nobody else to turn to, I don’t know what to do. Things I read on the computer only take me so far, and there is always this gnawing feeling of emptiness which I can’t heal. I want friends, I speak to everyone I meet, male or female, and I’ve met thousands of people, but I only have two people I can honestly count as friends. How do you cope? I want nothing more than to be outside with other people, happy, but you have no choices, no one to take you in. The only way to become ‘normal’ is to be around people, learn from experience, but with nobody willing to help, what is there to do? I need my ‘friends’ to grow and learn how to function in society, but most of them will stab me in the back without a second thought.

It’s a hard path to walk. Most people with Asperger’s Syndrome will never manage to make it this far. You just have to keep trying. I know: I have to face it every day. You just have to hold on, never forget what you’re fighting for. The people who stab you in the back, the Kevins of your world, probably don’t even deserve your time of day. Learn from their knowledge, but never become them.


Wow! Well that was a mouthful! If anyone here has trouble in one of the areas I mentioned in detail above and needs more advice, please feel free to message me with your problem and I’ll say what I can to help!

 

[Falcon]

Wow man, I don't know what to say. I thought I had it bad at times, your life sounds like hell to me. Although I may come off as socially retarded at times, I'm pretty confident that I don't have Asperger's Syndrome. Knowing that, I feel like I can't help you much since there is a huge empathy barrier between us. I just can't say I know how it feels like to be you.

But with that aside, here are my initial thoughts after reading your posts in this thread:

You seem to be so concerned with details instead of the 'whole picture', and it's causing you to think so much. When it comes to human interaction, thinking all the time usually makes things worse. Let's see, I think here's a better way of putting it- Focus more on feeling instead of thinking. You gotta get out of your head, otherwise it will drive you crazy. Look to feel instead of think.

Here's an example. What stood out is when you mentioned the body language problem and your way of coping with it. Instead of relying on photographic memory and such, you should be relying on 'feelings'. I know you said it is hard to tell if someone is sad, angry, happy, etc. But this is where you have to show empathy for others. You have to get outside your head. Have you ever tried puting yourself in other people's shoes? Instead of trying to analyze how their mouth is shaped or if they look angry... Try putting yourself in their position. I know you have emotions, which is evident in the end of your post when you talk about your friends. You have emotions, but can you feel it in others? That I think is the challenge. It is not trying to memorize photograph after photograph and such. Try to get away from seeing the details so you can see the forest from the trees so to speak.

It may be a longshot to achieve this, but once you start feeling what other people feel, hopefully your mind will start associating the feelings with their body language and you will naturally get better at recognizing and just naturally feel it when those situations occur.

I know this is just one problem of many, but I think this may be a good place to start.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Is this the same affliction Jerry Espenson on Boston Legal suffers with?

 

[monkeegutz]

actually yes it is!

 

[monkeegutz]

in response to falcon:
thanks for the advice! that really seems to be the next step. Once I've mastered understanding most of the facial expressions intellectually, I'll need to trust my gut instinct and depend less and less on these tools I've made up.

You are right in saying that I'm overly concerned with the details. When I began, I was so absolutely hopeless that I needed (and still need) them broken down like that. No matter how much practice I get, there is no bypassing things like the recognizing people and lipreading issues. On the other hand, pretty much everything else, given enough time (and I've seen this process begin already) will, as you said, become almost natural. In addition, my actual technique isn't quite as fragmented as the thing you see here, but I was designing this with the intention of helping other people with asperger's, who would appeal to a well defined, broken down structure like this.

Try to get away from seeing the details so you can see the forest from the trees so to speak.

this is an excellent idea, but unfortunately, it comes back to the real problem of asperger's syndrrome. One of the prevailing theories (and my favorite) is that our brains process information as the sum of all of the parts, instead of the whole. Instead of one big picture, we see a hundred tiny pictures... to us, there is no forest. The trees are all that's out there. Even so, I get what you're saying. I'll try over the next while and see what becomes of it. Thanks again!

oh and don't feel so sorry about my life: It's not all bad... Asperger's syndrome has it's advantages too. People with Asperger's syndrome tend to have above average intelligence. I got lucky (even for someone with asperger's), with an IQ of 145. I also can have a photographic memory, I can read a textbook in 2.5 hrs and I do logarithims in my head.

 

[Hitman10000]

Good informative thread, thanks.

 

[hope7]

Do you friends know you have this syndrome? If they do, they are not very good friends. They might be ok friends, and there is no reason to create drama, hang out with them anyway for experience. But, do keep your eye out and intend to find better people to hangout with. I know a lot of people who would people who would also do that to you, and those are not the type of looking for friendship, they are looking for people to make them look good. True friends only seek friendships, they don't care if they make you look bad, they only care about their bond with you. I have a friend who is also seems to have a disorder ( I don't know for sure, I never asked him, but he is very socially awkward), but I never lied to his face or anything because I know he's a good person and he's my friend.

I also have come from a socially awkward background, but its not anywhere as bad as yours. I have shifted through several groups of friends before I found some true friends. There were times when I felt that I made a amazing amount of progress, but I had nothing to show for it because I knew my current set of friends didn't like me as I liked them. What I kept in mind was that I was very young and I have a long time ahead of me. You're what, 20, 21? You're life hasn't even started yet, don't be sad if you don't have friends now. You have years and years ahead of you.

Random advice: It is important that you don't cause any drama when you find out your friends are backstabbers. I created a lot of drama/revenge when I found out, and now I regret it as I have a lot of enemies in my life now. I now live by the principle that as long as they didn't go out their way to do something bad to me, I don't seek any hate.

Keep going out and meeting new people. I don't know what your social setting is like. Are you in college? Give people excuses and opportunities to hang out with you. Invite them to play videogames, drink, party, eat, do sports, whatever. Go and meet people through sports, recreational activities, clubs, charity work. Remember, the smaller that organization is, the more intimate the people in there is. I wrote some posts on this, look up some threads I created.

It seems that you are making awesome progress and know everything you need to do to make it, but right now you're just having a bad day. This is normal. You're progress is like a yo-yo on a escalator. Sometimes you feel like you and going down fast (the yo-yo dropping), but you are gradually going up (the escalator).

Edit:
Sorry I misread your opening post in some parts, so some of my info might seem off. . . .

 

[Falcon]

in response to falcon:
thanks for the advice! that really seems to be the next step. Once I've mastered understanding most of the facial expressions intellectually, I'll need to trust my gut instinct and depend less and less on these tools I've made up.

You are right in saying that I'm overly concerned with the details. When I began, I was so absolutely hopeless that I needed (and still need) them broken down like that. No matter how much practice I get, there is no bypassing things like the recognizing people and lipreading issues. On the other hand, pretty much everything else, given enough time (and I've seen this process begin already) will, as you said, become almost natural. In addition, my actual technique isn't quite as fragmented as the thing you see here, but I was designing this with the intention of helping other people with asperger's, who would appeal to a well defined, broken down structure like this.


this is an excellent idea, but unfortunately, it comes back to the real problem of asperger's syndrrome. One of the prevailing theories (and my favorite) is that our brains process information as the sum of all of the parts, instead of the whole. Instead of one big picture, we see a hundred tiny pictures... to us, there is no forest. The trees are all that's out there. Even so, I get what you're saying. I'll try over the next while and see what becomes of it. Thanks again!

oh and don't feel so sorry about my life: It's not all bad... Asperger's syndrome has it's advantages too. People with Asperger's syndrome tend to have above average intelligence. I got lucky (even for someone with asperger's), with an IQ of 145. I also can have a photographic memory, I can read a textbook in 2.5 hrs and I do logarithims in my head.

This is interesting what you are saying monkeegutz. It sort of reminds me of stuff I used to read years ago. I was hoping some of my advice that I mentioned above would make sense since I typed it in a hurry. Now hopefully I can add and expand on what I was saying. I think the real difference between me and you is the way we tackle problems.

There seems to be this duality that manifests itself everywhere. Analyzing or Feeling. Thought or Emotion. Left or Right brain. When I play on the piano I sometimes try to think through logic if I am playing a piece right. Then there are times where I try to 'feel' it instead. Sometimes I feel we are constantly struggling between the two. But both are needed for certain tasks and at times both ways will agree or disagree with each other. When I read your post I felt it was way too much on the logical/thinking side. You use hard logic to tackle every single problem it seemed. This isn't always bad, it's just not always practical to solve all your problems thorugh brute force analyzation. I just wanted to suggest something that would get you away from thinking and push you more towards feeling. Balance it out so to speak. Human interaction is just as emotional as it is logical. I was getting a sense that the logical side of yourself is very developed while the emotional is not as much. If this is the case, and bare with me I'm no psychiatrist or doctor (so I could have no idea what I'm talking about), then using logic and straight thinking wont solve this problem of yours. You gotta start working the part of your brain that is weak, and not compensate using the side you're already good at. So I naturally thought the first step would be to feel emotions in others by putting yourself in their position. That will at least get you outside of your head and away from logical thought. Just ask yourself "How would I feel if I was in his/her position?" Then in later steps, it will be more and more feeling instead of recognizing their facial expression through remembered photographs. Like for example, you will 'feel' the tension in the air when they talk or something.

As for the whole forest and trees things, I hope this analogy may help. If you were to listen to music, seeing all the trees instead of the forest would be: C, Eb, G.
Seeing the forest would be more like -"That sounds distressing." But when you go to a movie theater you do not know what notes are being played, yet you probably can tell the emotion it gives off. I mean anyone can tell the difference between scary music compared to happy music. A lot of people are clueless with music and how to compose yet they can see the forest without knowing anything about the trees! So if you can do it in music I'm confident it is possible with human interactions. It's just about being able to 'feel', which is a natural part of being human.

Well hey, I think it's awesome that you have a stronger photographic memory than most of us and the other stuff you mentioned. I also think it's awesome that you have the attitude that you do now, it will take you to a lot of far places in life. Never give up and always seek to expand your limitations
(I hope you understood my smiley... lol just joking )

 

[The Forms]

Wow, that was intense. I've never seen anything on this forum that well organized. I'm really impressed.

I don't mean to make light of the situation, but a lot of that sounds like what it feels like when I get high. Like watching the conversation bounce around the room, but not thinking quickly enough to get a comment in before the moment has passed. And the eye-hand coordination. And being really confused as to why i'm surrounded by a bunch of asian dudes I don't know (was that one of your points? I can't really remember now).

 

[Phyzzle]

You're a bit too young to take my advice in this thread:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=106930&highlight=asperger

 

[mastersylar]

Wow.. I am reading this and I think I might be able to help

I also have AS, and reading your story sounds a lot like the story of my life. I can relate to a lot of what you just said. You said that a lot of conversation go well the first time and then after that you have trouble initiating conversation with them after then--this aspect is very frustrating to me. Also, I struggle with group conversation and when some one says something I am usually too late to say anything. I liked what you said about comedy that is an excellent way to become adept to humor is to immerse yourself in it--I really need to try that.

I definitely don't have all the answers, but I can relate

Now, on to the comments. I think a lot of what can help you break your self out of your social shell is to have the right attitudes and beliefs.

Here is what I mean. With beliefs, you have to see your self as being a socially adept person, a person who is demand socially. The kind of person who has friends calling him all the time to hang out. A lot of times when you can visualize who you want to be, then your mind can find ways to achieve this. Mind is a very powerful thing.

Attitudes--Look at some bad boys on TV. Like Sawyer on Lost. Do you think he sits there and formulate things his attitude supliments.

 

[Quiksilver]

My dad has AS.

Luckily I don't, but I know your situation.

He's one of the best lawyers in the country, a profession where you have to be stellar at reading people's body language, at being social, and at being confident.

You'll be fine man, one step at a time, just don't get caught up in the details.

 

[mastersylar]

Cont

Also, another thing I am trying to do that some one on another board said was to devote your self to studying other people. Take a sincere interest on how people communicate. Try to understand social structure from a logical stand and I think that the emotional side of it all will fall into place. This is just something I have been trying recently.

You say that you lack creativity maybe once you understand the structure of social skill it could be that you will grow into them.

I am still trying to figure things out right now too.

Good Luck Man

 

[mastersylar]

My dad has AS.

Luckily I don't, but I know your situation.

He's one of the best lawyers in the country, a profession where you have to be stellar at reading people's body language, at being social, and at being confident.

You'll be fine man, one step at a time, just don't get caught up in the details.

I am really glad to hear this because I worried that my job list would be limited to things like computer programming. So, this is good to hear.

 

[Scoundrel]

I have Asperger's Syndrome too. I don't remember people unless they do something to impress me. Believe it not, not remembering someone can make you seem more alpha. It forces people to earn your attention.

Learning the PUA info has helped me a lot. If you don't already have Mystery's book I think it would help you. IMHO almost all PUA info is little more than footnotes to Mystery.

 

[monkeegutz]

Do you friends know you have this syndrome? If they do, they are not very good friends. They might be ok friends, and there is no reason to create drama, hang out with them anyway for experience. But, do keep your eye out and intend to find better people to hangout with. I know a lot of people who would people who would also do that to you, and those are not the type of looking for friendship, they are looking for people to make them look good. True friends only seek friendships, they don't care if they make you look bad, they only care about their bond with you. I have a friend who is also seems to have a disorder ( I don't know for sure, I never asked him, but he is very socially awkward), but I never lied to his face or anything because I know he's a good person and he's my friend.

I also have come from a socially awkward background, but its not anywhere as bad as yours. I have shifted through several groups of friends before I found some true friends. There were times when I felt that I made a amazing amount of progress, but I had nothing to show for it because I knew my current set of friends didn't like me as I liked them. What I kept in mind was that I was very young and I have a long time ahead of me. You're what, 20, 21? You're life hasn't even started yet, don't be sad if you don't have friends now. You have years and years ahead of you.

Random advice: It is important that you don't cause any drama when you find out your friends are backstabbers. I created a lot of drama/revenge when I found out, and now I regret it as I have a lot of enemies in my life now. I now live by the principle that as long as they didn't go out their way to do something bad to me, I don't seek any hate.

A couple of friends know that I have it. They're all ones who are cool and would never stab me in the back. I usually tell most people that I have trouble recognizing people, so they don't think I'm being an ass when I dont notice them. As for the backstabbers, I never go for revenge or anything...I just don't go out of my way to talk to them anymore. I try my best to at least be decent even to people who are jerks to me.

I'm actually only 19! I'm going into my sophmore year at college (just transferred from Georgia Tech in atlanta to UCF in Orlando, FL), so I have a fresh start to work with.

Keep going out and meeting new people. I don't know what your social setting is like. Are you in college? Give people excuses and opportunities to hang out with you. Invite them to play videogames, drink, party, eat, do sports, whatever. Go and meet people through sports, recreational activities, clubs, charity work. Remember, the smaller that organization is, the more intimate the people in there is. I wrote some posts on this, look up some threads I created.

It seems that you are making awesome progress and know everything you need to do to make it, but right now you're just having a bad day. This is normal. You're progress is like a yo-yo on a escalator. Sometimes you feel like you and going down fast (the yo-yo dropping), but you are gradually going up (the escalator).

Edit:
Sorry I misread your opening post in some parts, so some of my info might seem off. . . .

Wow, when you put it that way, its impressive really how many different ways there are to meet people. I'm definitely going to write those down and make my rounds at UCF. Oh and yeah, I was kinda having a bad day back then, but it's coming around

As for the whole forest and trees things, I hope this analogy may help. If you were to listen to music, seeing all the trees instead of the forest would be: C, Eb, G.
Seeing the forest would be more like -"That sounds distressing." But when you go to a movie theater you do not know what notes are being played, yet you probably can tell the emotion it gives off. I mean anyone can tell the difference between scary music compared to happy music. A lot of people are clueless with music and how to compose yet they can see the forest without knowing anything about the trees! So if you can do it in music I'm confident it is possible with human interactions. It's just about being able to 'feel', which is a natural part of being human.

Indeed, I can certainly tell the emotional mood of music, but the thing is, the amount of complexity in a human interaction is 100x more than that of a song. It just doesn't even compare. And also, part of my problem is that there are a couple parts of it that I just don't understand, at all (which I'm going to be asking about later...this thread is way too interesting to get off subject)

(I hope you understood my smiley... lol just joking )

Of course I can! you bastard, why are you giving me an angry smiley! What did he ever do to you?

And being really confused as to why i'm surrounded by a bunch of asian dudes I don't know

dude, when I was going to Georgia Tech (45% asian) I had this feeling all the time. Thats worse than asperger's syndrome any day of the week lol.

Besides, what difference would it make to me if I can or can't recognize people, we all know they all look the same anyways

I also have AS, and reading your story sounds a lot like the story of my life. I can relate to a lot of what you just said. You said that a lot of conversation go well the first time and then after that you have trouble initiating conversation with them after then--this aspect is very frustrating to me. Also, I struggle with group conversation and when some one says something I am usually too late to say anything. I liked what you said about comedy that is an excellent way to become adept to humor is to immerse yourself in it--I really need to try that.

I definitely don't have all the answers, but I can relate

Now, on to the comments. I think a lot of what can help you break your self out of your social shell is to have the right attitudes and beliefs.

Here is what I mean. With beliefs, you have to see your self as being a socially adept person, a person who is demand socially. The kind of person who has friends calling him all the time to hang out. A lot of times when you can visualize who you want to be, then your mind can find ways to achieve this. Mind is a very powerful thing.

Attitudes--Look at some bad boys on TV. Like Sawyer on Lost. Do you think he sits there and formulate things his attitude supliments.

well I've done some serious work (and mostly I just wasn't thinking when I typed my first posts) so I can say a thing or two about conversation. I'll update my posts and send you a message when I get around to it.

I have the right attitude for sure, there's no problem with that, I was just in a bad state when I wrote that depressing last paragraph to my initial post.

oh and yeah sawyer is basically just the most badass person out there, I love that guy lol

Also, another thing I am trying to do that some one on another board said was to devote your self to studying other people. Take a sincere interest on how people communicate. Try to understand social structure from a logical stand and I think that the emotional side of it all will fall into place. This is just something I have been trying recently.

right you are. Alot of my learning and new strategies nowadays are imitative. Pay good attention to what people do that works, and even more importantly, what doesn't. Learn from everyone you come into contact with.

Learning the PUA info has helped me a lot. If you don't already have Mystery's book I think it would help you. IMHO almost all PUA info is little more than footnotes to Mystery.

I've read basically all the PUA material out there. My personal favorites are David Deangelo's ****y Comedy material, Juggler's work and Melvin Helitzer's Comedy Writing Secrets (which everyone should read, that book's amazing)

Those are basically the top three for me.

P.S. Sorry all for the rushed post, I'm kinda strapped for time right now. Hopefully I'll have a more detailed response tonight.

 

[Nighthawk]

If you told most chicks you had a mental thing that meant you couldn't recognize people they would probably think it's sexy like in Memento and see if they could 'cure' you.

 

[Blink]

I at one time self-diagnosed myself with AS because I fit the description so well. I think that, specifically, is the biggest barrier holding you and others back. Asperger's Syndrome is disputed by many professionals in the field. We can't even be sure it actually exists. Are there people that suffer from these symptoms? Yes. Is it some disease that will always hinder you and make a mess of your life? I certainly don't believe that, but others might.

When you have been diagnosed with something like AS, you begin to accept that all these problems you have are justified because you have this disease and it gives you an excuse to not deal with them (not the original poster, obviously he has been tireless in dealing with his problems, but people in general). The OP for instance said he had no life at all until 11th grade. Is there any question why you have don't have social skills and don't relate to people? You skipped CRUCIAL parts of your development throughout adolesence and late in your childhood where true social/people skills are developed. THAT is the problem, not some disease.

Like I mentioned early in the post, I too once thought of myself as having this "disease". The first step is to totally dismiss it, and man up and take control of your life and your mind. Reading these here forums helps more than anything and helps give you a clear picture of what your life should really be like. When you talk to people, don't sit there and plan on what you're going to say next. Just listen and respond, trust yourself to do it. That little voice in your head that helps you plan how you are going to respond to situations that you are nervous about, that is always pondering what others are thinking about you, that is always thinking you don't know what is going and you need to think through over and over whatever it is you're doing or what you're about say? Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. Kick that fvcker to the curb, because that is not normal.

The hardest thing for people in this situation is to rely on their instincts, because they honestly feel and believe that they don't have any. Trust me, you do. If you are motivated enough, you can change. Quit thinking and just DO whatever it is you're doing. Your social skills may be crap if you were a hermit throughout adolesence, but you learned a lot in your childhood and you've just forgotten. Once you get back on that horse of life, you'd be surprised how much will come back to you that you were sure you never learned or never COULD learn.