articles left behind, ransom demands

[thirdtimescharm]

A female I met for the first time Sunday night (met on a dating website, we spent a few days playing text message games and a couple of phone calls) left an article of clothing behind at my apartment after a night of debauchery. I emailed her about it (she had lost her phone in the lake over the weekend) and told her I was holding it for ransom. She replied "ransom, huh? hmmmmm."

Any suggestions on what the demands should be? I want to keep the attraction level high, and the mystery impenetrable.

I was worried that I had done some stupid AFC shyte when I dropped her off at her place the following morning. I said "I had fun," and "call me later." So the clothing has given me a chance to overcome and I know I really need to hit hard. She's a sarcastic, sassy, smartass chick who I could see having a ton of good times with (me being 47 and she being a very hot 33) and I need to keep myself in check here to keep this rolling slowly.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

What article of clothing was it?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

It was just a little sweater type thing...not anything terribly "private." But I'm thinking that is what I need to make a trade for.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I'm think I'm going with "I debated adding it to my collection but I need to trade it for your underwear."

 

[Mr. Me]

She replied "ransom, huh? hmmmmm." Any suggestions on what the demands should be? I want to keep the attraction level high, and the mystery impenetrable.

I think you should drop the "ransom" topic altogether and move on to something else. If you want to keep attraction high, be unpredictable. Don't try to keep milking the same joke. That gets tired quick. Especially when it's not even that funny, sorry. She didn't laugh her head off when she answered you, right? It makes you look like a one trick pony when you keep harping on the same joke, especially bringing it up days later. Most people are not as funny as they think they are.

Funnier then simply demanding a ransom would be for you to email her a photo of her sweater tied up to a bed with you with a mask on pointing a gun at her sweater. But she may not exactly get the humor about that.

I need to keep myself in check here to keep this rolling slowly.

Your first time meeting her and you became sexual and had her stay overnight. Now, that's rushing things. If you're just looking for a one night stand, that's okay, but then you wouldn't care about rushing things and keeping any mystery going.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

She didn't laugh her head off when she answered you, right? It makes you look like a one trick pony when you keep harping on the same joke, especially bringing it up days later. Most people are not as funny as they think they are.

I didn't post my entire email or her entire response, but she began hers with "You are funny." So I think I was on the right track.

Humor is certainly subjective, and I don't think it is harping. From our first contact, I was able to see she loves sarcasm, so a good dose of ****y/funny is exactly what is called for. But I agree about not pushing it too far, so I think my reply is as far as this needs to go unless she wants to make a game of it.

Your first time meeting her and you became sexual and had her stay overnight. Now, that's rushing things. If you're just looking for a one night stand, that's okay, but then you wouldn't care about rushing things and keeping any mystery going.

When the attraction is mutual and things just click, I tend to go with it. I know very well that attraction is not a choice, but once the attraction is established, it is far easier to lose it and see a woman flake than it is to keep things moving. So if I can work this as a fun, casual, we go out, we screw around, get to know each other as we go type thing, I 'd be very happy with that. I've got two "plates" spinning like that already which began under the same circumstances (first night in the sack) and it works for me.

 

[Vulpine]

Holding something for "ransom" is akin to issuing an ultimatum.

Joke about it, sure, but I wouldn't follow up on it any further. Otherwise, you put your power in the sweater and put the chick in an awkward place.

I've abandoned many pieces of clothing, and, as my "lost and found" would attest, so have many women.

Assume the sale. Chicks often leave stuff behind on purpose. Don't be adversarial, she wants to see you again. If you make it about the sweater, that's all she'll want to see you again for.

I've come to believe that the "something left behind" is a sh¡t test, or, a gauge for women to read. If you act all excited that you found it, you tip your hand. Whereas, if you don't mention it at all, the woman will prompt you: "Did you find my sweater? I think I left it over there."

"Damn! I already gave it to the Salvation Army."

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Ok, so she replied: "Dude, that is just creepy "

Which is positive, because in our short time together, she has used that "creepy" line a few times in a very sarcastic way, so I know I'm tapping into her personality rather than being genuinely creepy.

That I also mentioned using ice cubes to cool down her weekend sunburn probably helped too ;-)

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Holding something for "ransom" is akin to issuing an ultimatum.

Joke about it, sure, but I wouldn't follow up on it any further. Otherwise, you put your power in the sweater and put the chick in an awkward place.

It's all about your target audience and how you deliver the message. I think I delivered it with enough lightness and sarcasm that it was taken as the joke that was intended. I think this chick rarely feels awkward...in her online profile, one of the words she uses to describe herself is "filterless" and that's a turn on for me. I'm a firm believer in that if you don't say what you want, you're never going to get it but it is rare to find people who have the balls to actually ask--most people expect mindreaders.

I've come to believe that the "something left behind" is a sh¡t test, or, a gauge for women to read. If you act all excited that you found it, you tip your hand. Whereas, if you don't mention it at all, the woman will prompt you: "Did you find my sweater? I think I left it over there."

"Damn! I already gave it to the Salvation Army."

Ok, that is funny and the shyte test angle is a good one to consider. In fact, I'm trying to look at MOST of what a woman asks as a shyte test, which has the benefit of making me slowly consider any words I am about to use in answering any questions.

 

[thedeparted]

Not so sure "creepy" is what you want to hear. So I agree with others to drop it. As someone with a brief and shltty career as a stand-up I can affirm that none of us are as funny as we thinkg. Plus, if you make a big deal it will seem like women never leave stuff at your place which is bad since she wants to hear that there are tons of chicks leaving stuff there. Finally, although women always say they want a guy with a great sense of humor, they don't really want you making weird jokes. So I dunno, but keep us posted.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Not so sure "creepy" is what you want to hear. So I agree with others to drop it.

We've moved well past it. The "creepy" thing was just a joke on her part as I said. I need to get away from reading too much in to any one thing anyway, but we just had a really great phone conversation which really came after a long string of text messages. I made the right move in calling her, because while the texts were all light and fun, we got more serious on the phone and were able to get more at the essence of who we were and bonded on some really personal stuff.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

I was worried that I had done some stupid AFC shyte when I dropped her off at her place the following morning. I said "I had fun," and "call me later."

That's interesting - after a date, do you guys think it's 'AFC' to say you had a good time, we should do it again, etc?

My experience has been that if they're interest level is high, they'll agree, and it's a layup. But are you saying that it's a bad move otherwise?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

That's interesting - after a date, do you guys think it's 'AFC' to say you had a good time, we should do it again, etc?

My experience has been that if they're interest level is high, they'll agree, and it's a layup. But are you saying that it's a bad move otherwise?

Considering the circumstances which were we had just met the night before and that she spent the night at my place, it -felt- AFC to say that stuff. It didn't feel like a date...I even joked with her when I picked her up and said that I felt like I was her booty call for the night. Which was even more bizarre since we had nothing more to go by way of knowing each other beyond online profiles, text messages, and a couple of phone calls. It seriously felt more like I had just slept with an old friend, and under those circumstances, I felt like I was taking away from the connection with those comments rather than enhancing it. That we both appear willing to potentially move beyond a one-night stand is a bonus.

I am curious about whether those "had a good time" comments are AFC or not though, and maybe that would be good fodder for another thread.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Ok, when you put it in that context, I understand.

Usually, when I say that, I get a certain type of reaction that tells me a lot. If it follows or precedes making out, I know things went well. If there's just a smile, and agreement, and a peck on the cheek, I know it's not happening.

But that's just me.

 

[Mr. Me]

You met her Sunday, escalated to having sex that night, she stayed overnight, you asked her to "call you later", and as of Wednesday, which was just a couple of days later, this included a "long string of text messages" and a "really great phone conversation". So my question is, what do you mean exactly when you say, "I need to keep myself in check here to keep this rolling slowly"?

Also, you made a point of saying that "if I can work this as a fun, casual, we go out, we screw around, get to know each other as we go type thing, I 'd be very happy with that" and that you looked to keep the "mystery impenetrable". But then you're writing about how, within that couple of days, you got into a "serious phone conversation" where you 'got more to the essence' of who you were.

It seems like a contradiction, but maybe I'm just miscomprehending.

once the attraction is established, it is far easier to lose it and see a woman flake than it is to keep things moving.

That's not my experience. If there is a minimum sufficient level of initial attraction on her part, then what the guy does and says (or doesn't do and say) plays a major part in either raising or lowering her interest.

In the early stages of two people getting together, it's a very crucial period where the slightest misstep from a guy knocks him out of the running (unless he's dealing with a needy, lonely or insecure woman). Typically, guys aren't cognizant of what they're doing wrong. But one doesn't know what one doesn't know, right?

Until and unless she has developed a high interest level, will she overlook little missteps (but they can add up if they're many and/or repeated). At first though, she's generally looking for red flags to next the guy (just as we should be doing with her).

I need to get away from reading too much in to any one thing anyway

I'm glad you're aware that you do that. I see it in your posts. You attribute reasonings to her behavior, when the reality is that we never really know what someone's thinking or why they're thinking so or how they view something. People are very complex.

after a date, do you guys think it's 'AFC' to say you had a good time, we should do it again, etc?

It's civil and courteous to say you had a great time. To say, "we should do it again" could be chumpish, though rather than classify it as AFC behavior, I think understanding what saying that does in the context of today's dating world is vital.

First off, by saying that, you're letting her know that you're looking to see her again. Well, that defeats challenge. It's better for you to be playing on her mind wondering if she's going to hear from you than satiating that by letting her know she has you if she wants you.

Additionally, if she's not entirely sold on you, you've just put her on the spot. What's she supposed to do? Lie to you and agree or tell you to your face that it's not going to happen?

But reverse that and don't mention you'd like to see her again, but just say goodnight and off you go, and she's more likely to think, "Huh? Doesn't he like me? I don't get it! He just said he had a great time! WTF?" and her interest in you zooms up a bit (unless you were a major turn off during the date).

Now, assuming she's interested and you didn't say 'we should do this again!', if you're playing on her mind while she wonders if you'll call, she also reflects on the fun time she had, which builds more interest in seeing you again.

There's a reason why "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not..." has been a popular little girl's game for centuries.

Secondly, by expressing your interest in another date with her, you slam the door shut on her showing you her cards instead. You've taken away the opportunity for her to say to you, "I hope to see you again!".

Now, wouldn't it be nice for you to know if she's interested in seeing you again and have her wonder instead of you wondering for a change?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

So my question is, what do you mean exactly when you say, "I need to keep myself in check here to keep this rolling slowly"?

Point taken. I need to keep myself rolling slowly, and not get caught up in that initial thrill of thinking I met someone who stands above all others. I've definitely elevated women like this before and seen things go to dust in a hurry, so posting here and getting this kind of feedback is invaluable.

It is extremely interesting to have gone through the dynamic of the light tone of our text messages to the phone call. Again, something in her profile caught my eye and let me know that even though she came home with me the first night, she's open to more, and I took a chance by moving the conversation into a more personal area and I think it might pay off. Time will tell.

That's not my experience. If there is a minimum sufficient level of initial attraction on her part, then what the guy does and says (or doesn't do and say) plays a major part in either raising or lowering her interest.

I think we mean the same thing here. Even with attraction, there are so many things you can do or say to screw it up. Especially in this case when the initial attraction was based simply on an online and texting experience. I think so many of us have had situations where we think there is something there, and then you meet the person and it all goes *poof* in a flash. Personally, this is the first time for me when the first "date" was a trip straight back to my apartment literally immediately after first setting eyes on each other.

I'm glad you're aware that you do that. I see it in your posts. You attribute reasonings to her behavior, when the reality is that we never really know what someone's thinking or why they're thinking so or how they view something. People are very complex.

Yep. this is me playing amateur psychologist again. One problem here is I've been told by many friends that I'm very good at it. Probably doing me a disservice in the long run.