Are you looking for love?

[Hellboy]

AFC, jerk, player, PUA, Don Juan. Whatever you are, chances are you're gonna want something meaningful at some point. Something more fulfilling than chasing tail and scoring numbers.

Your soulmate. Does such a thing exist? Depends on your interpretation of the term.

If you mean the one perfect match born out of the twisted realms of fate, destined to end up together as the ultimate match to live effortlessly happy ever after fairytale style.... But if you mean someone with who you share mutual respect, trust and love, affinity.... then yes, it happens. When you really connect with someone and you value each other enough, it can be a beautiful thing.

I confess, I'm a romantic. But I've spent many years as a player. So I can see both sides of this equation. I can see why being an AFC and showing too much of the wrong kind of interest at the wrong time causes problems. And I can see why being overly ****y, scheming and aloof causes different kinds of problems. If you truly want to be happy together, you need to play a different kind of game.

There are always 2 priorities to this game, and you are responsible for both.
a - making sure she is worthy of your love.
b - making sure she falls in love with you!
Always, the key element is patience.

Step 1 - Preperation
Who is your soulmate? Decide exactly what you are looking for. Make a list. Looks, personality, interests, dress sense, the things you would like to talk about, the way you would like to be treated by her. Everything. Make sure you know what you want. You will not settle for anything less.

Next, think about what this girl is going to be looking for in a man. Be just as specific. And then see how you measure up. Be brutally honest here, because if you want to attrract your dream girl the chances are you'll have to work on yourself a little first. Get healthy, get confident and get motivated! She will not settle for anything less!

If you aren't already, I would suggest becoming a player for a while in preperation for your soulmate. This is because you have to attract and seduce before you can get her to fall in love with you. If you have no experience with women you can forget winning the heart of your soulmate. Go read the bible and do some bootcamp, then come back and read the rest of this post.

Patience. Try to find her when you're ready.

Step 2 - Finding Her
Where is she? You better believe this is the hard part!

But it gets easier if you think rationally. Remember, this isn't about scoring some hot puzzy. This is about finding and connecting with a woman who shares similar values, beliefs and interests. Ideally, you'll be seeking this woman someplace that excites or interests you. That way at least you know from the offset that you share one interest. Go to a concert of your favourite band, or look for someone in the library/bookstore reading a book you love. Go to a new church of your faith. Go to a class (foreign language?) or a hobby club or some kind of sport or outdoors activity. The point here is not to go somewhere because you think you'll find women, but to go do something you enjoy, which will qualify her in advance.

The best scenario is one where you will see each other on more than one occasion. Especially if you are introduced by a mutual friend/relative/acquaintance. Even night clubs and party circles can be good for this if you have the right mindset.

Pay close attention to her style of dress. Is she a similar style to you? Try not to be swayed by your desire to fvck (and to qualify her more than she deserves). That is not the goal here (not yet anyway). Obviously she should be hot but that is just a qualifier and not a motivator. You are looking for similarities of persona.

If possible, look how she interacts with other people. Is she happy? Miserable? Will you enjoy talking with her?

Patience. If she's not perfect just keep looking.

Step 3 - Meeting Her
First and foremost, you're not trying to pick this chick up. You're goal is not just to score her number, or take her home for some sex. You have 2 goals. To qualify her some more, and to generate attraction in her. From the second she lays eyes on you, she begins to build a mental picture of you. And if you want her to fall in love with you, you'll need to fill a big hole in her life.

Be genuine, and warm, and confident, and interesting, and interested in her as a person not a sex object. That doesn't mean be totally a-sexual! You can flirt enough with your eyes and body language and very subtly with your words. You don't want to be a slease here. Not a friend, not a player, just an amazing guy who is showing a genuine interest in her.

a) Qualify her personality.
Is she fun? Is she available? What similarities do you share? Do you enjoy similar things? Do you have similar beliefs, ideas, sense of humor? Do you find it easy to talk to each other and connect intellectually?

b) Attract her.
Otherwise the whole thing is a waste of time. So make sure your body language, eye contact, confidence etc is on point. Any questions read the bible. Now you want her to be feeling sexual attraction to you, obviously. But she must also be thinking romantic thoughts about you. These are slightly different. As well as seducing her you must highlight similarities between you and increase rapport.

If she meets your standards, and you guys really click, then the game continues
So how do you close? It depends if you will see her again. If you are likely to, and especially if you have been introduced by a mutual friend, then you don't need to get her number this time. Leave the exchange at a high point, with a lingering goodbye - like you're reluctant to leave. Tell her you enjoyed chatting and ask her when she's gonna be back at this place. Hey you might see her here. If it looks unlikely you'll see her again soon then by all means take her number.

But trust me on this, repeated chance meetings have a much more potent effect on her attraction levels. So if this is possible, then have patience. Walk away!

Step 4 - Sustained Contact
This step can be through chance meetings, through arranging these meetings via phone, or as actual dates. However, dates can be detrimental to the process as society puts certain pressures on both sides to behave certain ways and expect certain things. If the next step is carried out through dates, I advise you should speed things up a little. Or at least downplay the whole 'date' aspect of it. Don't worry about being LJBFd so long as you step up the attraction when you're together.

Keep it slow, but persistant. And I mean textbook seduction here. Attract her, but don't necessarily let her know your true feelings or motives. She should know you are interested but leave a little room for doubt in her mind. If you have not taken her number and you are getting to know her through chance meetings then you may find this easier.

Then again, if you aren't attracting her then you may end up with a friend.
So you must act like you are already her boyfriend. You're comfortable giving her a full body hug, or sitting 'too close' when you talk, or gazing into her eyes for a little 'too long'. Slip your arm around her, stroke her cheek. That's her body covered, but also seduce her mind. Make her laugh, and really listen to what she says. And show that you have listened. Good communication skills are essential here. And always, demonstrate similarities. Real ones, no point making them up. If you don't have similarities then this isn't going to work. You must also share deep rapport, in the sense that you have intimate conversations that involve sharing emotions and revealing more intimate memories.

Escalate this over the course of maybe 3 meetings. Don't be in a hurry to have sex here, or even to make out. You want to get to know her, qualify her and attract her. If you reach a point where it feels right to kiss her, then go right ahead and do it. But don't be in a rush.

So you're going to all this effort, but are you getting the same back?

If not, then either you're doing something wrong or she just isn't worth the effort. If things don't feel perfect for you , then they won't for her either. This ain't no soulmate in such a case. Throw her back in and go fetch your fishing rod. Likewise, if you start to feel like you are comprimising on your standards (if she turns out to be stupid or shallow or something). Proceed to step two.

Otherwise, you're really floating each other's boat so far! You must be experiencing some degree of chemistry between you now. So do it, wait for the right moment, when the connection is heightened and you are face to face, go in for the kiss. Not sudden or awkward. Take her cheeks gently in your hands and look into her eyes. She must both expact and desire your kiss. If you have been playing the game correctly then she will have been waiting for this. Kiss her slowly, softly, sensually. She will remember this as a defining moment so make it good.

This should be perfect.
You should feel that she is perfect for you
And she should feel that you are perfect for her.

 

[Hellboy]

Step 5 - Escalating to a Relationship
You shouldn't have to discuss this. If things have been escalating as above then things should naturally fall into place. You will spend more time together, and will eventually end up having sex. It is important to get to know each other first. For a start, it demonstrates that you are intellectually and emotionally attracted to her as a person and not just as a sex object. But also because sex can distort your perception of each other emotionally if it happens too soon.
After you have kissed, it is okay to have proper 'dates'. Take charge and whisk her off on an emotional adventure she will never forget. Show her the time of her life, and always focus on the connection and attraction. At the end of an adventurous date, take her home and give her slow, tantalising, sensual, passionate sex. Blow her away with amazing orgasms.

After this point, you are well on your way to wining her love, if you haven't already. What you must now do, is maximise the connection by focusing on the following areas.
Fun, Bonding, Communication, Trust, Instinct, Teamwork, Rapport, Romance, Affinity, Attention and Respect
And she will fall in love with you.

Fun - And anticipation. Make sure any time you spend together is infinitely more memorable than when you're apart. Have exciting adventures together! Even when she's with her friends she's thinking about stuff she's done with you. Obviously this includes sex Don't spend too much time together, as this can dilute the effect your presence has on her. Give her a chance to miss you. That goes for phonecalls/texts/emails too. It's always a good idea to contact her a little bit less than she contacts you.
Bonding - Sharing your own private world where you simply gaze into each other's eyes, or sing together, or dance together, or have sex.
Communication - Obviously have a laugh together! It is also important to listen and try to understand her perspective - and be completely honest about yours. You should be happy to reveal your true self to her in a flattering light and appreciate when she does the same. If you have disagreements then don't argue, compromise. If she can't also do that then ditch her fast.
Trust - Jealousy is natural, believe me. My girl is smokin hot and gets a lot of attention even when I'm right there - which can be annoying. But if you assume she's gonna cheat on you then you'll make it happen. I just laugh at these joker's expense and it will bring you closer together. And you gotta be faithful to her too. The more trust you place in her the more she will place in you. And vice versa. On the other hand, a little jealousy is healthy and will actually increase her attraction to you, so long as it comes from expecting respect and not from insecurity.
Instinct - This is where the theory proves to be true. You must quickly establish polar standpoints in terms of sexuality. Be a man and she'll be a woman. Become her protector and leader. Make decisions. Take control. Be firm but don't be an ass about it, be prepared to compromise if necessary. She will become childish, girly and submissive. Perverted though it sounds, you should be her daddy.
Teamwork - Anything where you and a girl combine efforts for a common goal. She drives, I read maps. Tidying our flat after a party. She's teaching me Greek. Teamwork and comradeship!
Rapport - And I mean intimate rapport. Pet names are great if they're imaginative and not too cheesy. Keep coming up with new ones. Private jokes, roleplay, stuff for just the two of you - leave the rest of the world guessing.
Romance - Keep the romance part of her brain ticking over and pointing in your direction.
Make little gestures, symbolic things. Walk under the stars, on a beach. Talk about romantic things. A rose here, a poem there. Careful not to overdo it.
Attraction - Every second you spend together, you NEVER stop seducing her, with your eyes, your lips, your hands and your words. And make her cvm like she's never cvm before
Affinity - If you have similar interests, experiences and viewpoint on life, you are much more likely to click. The rest you can develop but this one's more rigid. To be honest, you should't be this far without it. But if you are both open minded there's no real reason why your opinions can't grow together.
Attention - You must call her some of the time, even just to set up dates. Don't try to be a challenge at this stage or you'll mess things up. When you are together, and especially when you are socialising, be careful to give her plenty of attention. Physical attention, as well as keep talking to her and keep listening to what she says. Basically, keep her mind focused on you.
Respect - Be a gentleman, and treat her like a lady. You want a real lady don't you? Then treat her like one. Don't play games, don't openly ogle or flirt with other girls. Don't leave her out of conversations. Don't slam doors in her face.

Of course you need to get everything back in return or it just won't work. All of the above things are what I believe contribute to making two people truly feel in love with each other. Coincidentally, all of the above things play an active part in making your sex life better!

 

[Hellboy]

Step 6- Exclusivity and 'I Love You'
If the points from Step 5 are in place, then you may find both these elements are instigated by your new lady friend. A lot of girls will expect exclusivity after sex for the first time. Which is fine if you really want a soulmate relationship. But don't assume anything unless she says something. On the one hand, show her a little respect and don't sleep around. But on the other hand, don't start showing your neediness and posessiveness, leave that to her. If she loves you, she won't sleep with anyone else, and she'll want to be sure you aren't either. Case closed.

Regarding the phrase '"I love you'.
It's a big risk. And it will definetely change the dynamic of your relationship. It's gonna get a hell of a lot better, or a hell of a lot worse. And it's gonna happen fast. It's always said on this site that you must let the girl say those three words first. The reason: it could sound like you wanna add something to a flailing relationship. Some reassurance. Whatever the reasons, if she's not feeling it, you're gonna ruin it if you open your mouth with such a statement.

But the problem arises from time to time where both sides feel it but neither will want to say it. Resulting in a stalemate that can sometimes erode the relationship. If you are experiencing all the elements of Fun, Bonding, Communication, Trust, Instinct, Teamwork, Rapport, Romance, Affinity, Attention and Respect on both sides and for a prolonged period (at least two months) and you are feeling a deep connection whenever you are together, then it's a safe bet that she loves you. So you can be a man and break the stalemate.

If you're still not sure, try this checklist.
Do you always have fun together?
Are you exclusive?
Is sex fantastic and readily available whenever you want it?
Does she act submissive and girly?
Does she drape herself over you when you sit together?
Does she trust and respect your opinions, decisions, attitudes and actions?
Does she gaze at you with a contented smile?
Is she always available when you want to spend time with her?
Does she always want to be at your side in a social setting (ie not with other guys)?
Have you consistently and effortlessly impressed her with something?
Does she hang on your every word?
Does she contact you as often as you like her to?
Does she trust that you wouldn't cheat on her (but still show signs of jealousy)?
Are you very similar in the things you believe and enjoy doing?
Have you made and longer term plans?
Are you co-operative and 'on the same team'?
Has more than 2 months passed (preferably more)?

If you answered 'yes' to all of the above but haven't said the phrase then I'd say either one or both of you is scared and won't accept it. Alternatively you are both feeling it and are scared to break the stalemate. Don't be afraid of your feelings! If you have come this far then you are justified in feeling this way. Be a man and be honest. If you have any doubts then don't do it. But you should have no doubts at this stage!

Congratulations, you are officially in love! :cheer:

Step 7- Maintaining the Feeling
Okay, you got this far. So do not get complacent.
Even with these things in place, any relationship has bad spots. Don't think that this is the end. Just take it on your chin and try to resolve things maturely and co-operatively. You will find these disagrements can bring you closer together.

You might find her IL fluctuates. It happens. If you notice it dropping the worst thing you can do is panic and start forseeing the doom and gloom of the relationship. Sometimes it's something you did, something you can control, and sometimes it's not.

Whatever you do, don't go soft and start trying to please her every whim. DOH! And likewise, don't start trying to 'be a challenge' in the middle of a relationship. If you find youself in hot water then you must work on her attraction levels and start seducing her all over again.

Always and forever, you should be maintaining levels of Fun, Bonding, Communication, Trust, Instinct, Teamwork, Rapport, Romance, Affinity, Attention and Respect. And be sensitive to when certain areas need attention. Because going too far in one area can be as bad as neglecting another. And that's when the shyt tests start!


Good luck and happy hunting!

 

[tactic]

a good post, but it's sad how some have to go through all this..

 

[whistler]

Excellent, excellent post!

Great content.

I agree there's no need to put extra effort into being a "challenge"/mystery if the effort is reciprocal and you've been going strong for a while. Your other maintenance points are much more applicable to that situation. After all, the mystery always disappears at some point, so you might as well be building the foundation for attraction when the mystery is gone.

 

[Finch]

Amazing post. It was like reading my relationship from a book. You've covered all the basics. Good job.

 

[Hellboy]

Thanks guys!

Some random thoughts

A note about challenge (moved from original post)
The whole concept of 'being a challenge' or 'being a mystery' is misleading. It's breeding a large group of people on this site who are not being true to themselves. People end up making an exoskeleton of techniques and tricks and end up coming across as false, or arrogant, or disinterested. It throws off mixed signals and confuses a girl about their intentions, which inhibits the connection.

The truth of the matter is, if you have a high enough IL from the girl you don't need to play these mind games. Of course you don't call your girl every night. That is just stupid. But as long as she continues to make a sustained effort there's no reason why you can't follow suit. This sustained mutual attention is one of the things that increases Trust, which in turn heightens feelings of love. If you are a sociable couple (which I would highly recommend) then she will see for herself how you interact with other girls even if you don't flirt with them. She will see their attraction for you. That's as much of a challange you need to be.
So stick to your principles and always play the dominant part in the relationship. But if you want things to progress past a certain point sometimes you have to take a chance.

So right, you don't want to lose her respect. And you don't want her to think she owns you. Or that you need her.
But if you play your cards right then:
a) She will believe that you are with her because you choose to be with her. Because you think she's special even though you could have any girl you want.
b) She won't give you any shyt because she knows that all she's doing is risking losing you, and all the happiness you give her.

I think shyt tests and bytchy behavior come from either mentally unstable women or women who aren't happy in the relationship for whatever reason. If you you always have a constant power struggle then maybe it's best to end the relationship and move on to greener pastures.

Insecurity
It could be jealousy, it could just be fear of being hurt, it could be mistrust. But if you are feeling any of these to the extent that it shows, even subtly, then you will 'infect' her with these vibes, and she will begin to feel the same way about you. And vice versa, so watch out for these signs in her.

If you really want things to work out, you have to accept that these things are only your own insecurity, and arent actually based on evidence (unless they are, in which case NEXT). You have to take a chance and trust her, and never let your insecurities get the better of you. That means letting go.

As I mentioned before, a little jealousy is healthy. But only in the realms of the respect you deserve from your girl and other guys (and girls now I think about it). People must keep their hands off my woman! Obviously!!!

But it gets to the point that you are interfering with her free will. Ie. worrying about male friends or exes. Laying down the law and telling her who she can/can't talk to or what to wear is probably not such a great idea. You're only demonstrating insecurity and this is gonna push her away.

If she really loves you, and you are still the most exciting thing in her life, then she will not cheat on you, so long as she trusts you to also be faithful. If she still cheats on you, then you have missed out some of the steps in this post. Either that or she is a worthless h0e who isn't worth your time in the first place.
But then again, you're supposed to screen out the h0es in the early stages, right?

A bit more about 'infecting' each other
I'm talking about infecting people with emotions. We all pick up emotions, ,good and bad, and also habits good and bad from people we spend time with. I mentioned above, about infecting your girl with jealousy, or mistrust. It really works for anything. So if you're always happy, so will she be. If you are trusting, she will trust you more. If you love her, she will love you back.
This synchronity of emotions is exactly what you are looking for in a LTR. If you are truly in control of your own emotions, which you must be if you want this to work, then you will also be subtly in control of hers, so long as the synchronity exists. And that synchronity is maintained by the main points from Step 5.
If you want her to let go and love you, you must do the same. But remember, you are always in control.

Who you are
This is the kicker, you need to be a certain type of person for this to work. For example, the insecurities mentioned above do not do you any favours. Likewise, arrogance, selfishness, immaturity (in life not playing. Immature playfulness is good ), ignorance, ill temper, jealousy, mistrust, laziness, insert negative trait here. All bad habits will either push her away, inhibit development of the connection or eventually infect her with the same traits. You cannot hide them forever. You you must diligantly purge yourself of these habits on a daily basis. Be brutal and recognise when you are doing these things, and try to stop yourself doing them. It will be easier with time to be the person you want to be. Confident, contented and happy with a loving gorgeous girlfriend who you trust.

About being Hurt
Having your heart broken is a good thing. Because no human is more productive than when he is in despair! Not only can you learn a lot from the whole experience, including your mistakes, but your standards have raised. So you improve yourself and your life, meaning the next girl you get involved with can only be better than the last!

There are no mistakes, only lessons. The worst thing to do is let your future actions with women be ruled by fear. Embrace the pain, and the fear, and have a better shot at it next time round!

And it probably doesn't help to think of it as a battle, or that it's about winning or losing. If you are suspicious, competetive and mysogynistic you are cutting yourself off from really feeling anything worthwhile.

These girls are human beings too, and they worry about the same things. And if someone worries too much about something, what happens? The thing they were worrying about, that's what. Your anxiety feeds off each other and the relationship falls apart. You subconsciously make it happen. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Meet your girl. Fall in love. Remember that life is a cycle and yes, you're probably gonna get hurt. But you'll learn so much in the process. About yourself. About the world. And when it all falls apart, you'll die a little, emotionally, all over again. But then you'll rise from the ashes stronger. Better. With a deeper understanding of what it's all about. And next time will be better. Less anxious. More patient. Deeper. More fulfilling.

And as you get better at it, maybe you won't get hurt next time. That's always a possibility.

Oh yea, feel free to rate my thread