Are women just being nice ?

[Drum&Bass]

My question is why do women and guys around me assume I get tons of girls.

Women tell me I'm good looking and I have game so they assume I do well with women. Guys will tell me I'm good looking and can't understand why I would have trouble getting a girlfriend or even want one for that matter....what everyone doesn't realize is that I do have trouble getting girls and I find I really gotta be focused and committed (jump through hoops) to date or hook up.

i have really good self esteem but sometimes because of these reactions I question myself and think maybe people are just being nice to me for what ever reason.

 

[ElChoclo]

The jumping through hoops bit is the part which I don't get. I don't think people who jump through hoops have good self-esteem. You see, your basic message is this. I am worried that I am not good looking and have no game, because people tell me that I am, causing me to think that I am not.

Apart from not being logical, this is not the thinking of someone with good self-esteem. Would you prefer them to say that you are ugly. I suppose then you'd say. Gee I knew it all along. Next time some girl says you're good looking and assumes you have a girlfriend, just say "This happens to be your lucky day, I'm actually free at the moment." I suppose you're going to tell me that they say this sitting with their arm around their boyfriend.

 

[Drum&Bass]

I understand what your saying, I have my days when my confidence is in question and I'm sure even the best PUA has his days also.

If a single attractive girl ever told me i was good looking and assumed I had a girl I would know thats the green light to start flirting and letting her know I am single but it's usually women who are already taken that tell me these things.

The jumping through hoops bit is the part which I don't get. I don't think people who jump through hoops have good self-esteem.

I don't let women dis-respect me I just have to talk more than usual and come up with more clever things to say. I don't make an ass of myself but I'm the one that has to constantly keep things flowing, with little effort on the girls part.

 

[Le Parisien]

If a single attractive girl ever told me i was good looking and assumed I had a girl I would know thats the green light to start flirting and letting her know I am single but it's usually women who are already taken that tell me these things.

Just to point out the obvious: the big big majority of attractive girls are almost always taken 99% of the time, so...

At the same time, I can relate to what you say although I don't "worry" about it as much as you do.

I also used to think that I'm a fairly good guy, how come that it's so hard for me to get a girlfriend?
Actually if you dig deeper, I'm sure it's NOT just about getting a girlfriend. You want you girl to be attractive, somewhat intelligent at least, and you don't want girls who have baggage (single mom, emotional unstable freaks, notorious slvts who would cheat on you in no time etc...).

Then with time, and with the changing environment around me, I realized one thing: who said it was easy ???!!!
Now, whether it's from my buddies' girfriends, or from chicks (taken ones) from my master's class, or from chicks from my capoeira classes or chicks I met through my jobs, when I get a good vibe (compliments, flirtiness etc), I don't think :"damn, how come that I only get those signals from attractive chicks who are taken, there must be something wrong with me!"

But instead, I think/acknowledge a few things:

- I'm a pretty interesting/attractive guy, whether it's from a physical or an intellectual stand point, since many attractive chicks appreciate me a lot

- Most attractive chicks are always taken, which if you think about it is quite natural. Just like the French would say:" girls are just like parking lots, the best ones are always taken" We've all seen people who would wait sometime for a "good" parking lot that's taken rather than parking right away on a lot that's always available but very badly located. Guess I don't need to explain more on the analogy with attractive girls.

- It IS hard to get a girlfriend if you have relatively high standards (just like me ). There's nothing to worry about.

- The attractive chicks who give you compliments/get flirty with you allow themselves to interact with you in this way precisely because they are taken, so they don't "risk" anything. Plus some chicks who have been in one relationship for a long long time need to "spice things up" a little. On the other hand, some (warning, I said "some") single attractive chicks who seem to more or less ignore you when you don't make the first move might actually have a little crush on you. Being single, subconsciously they have a lot to lose if they show their affection: fear of rejection which is felt 10 times worse for females.

 

[picard]

what is left for the rest of the guys out there? Does this mean the world ran out of good looking girls?

 

[Le Parisien]

what is left for the rest of the guys out there? Does this mean the world ran out of good looking girls?

Well, the world is full of good looking girls, only the big majority of them are taken. Not to mention that usually a couple of guys are already waiting in the line...:crackup:

I used to see girls who are taken as totally off-limits, when I came to this realization, my mind changed completely.

If the girl is NOT married or engaged, she's fair game. It does mean that I will actively look for girls who are taken and break up happy couples. It's just that if she happens to be taken, well she happens to be taken. Sure I will make up my priorities accordingly, like not hoping too much from a girl who's taken, but I won't cross her out completely, especially if she's the one initiating signs of attraction. Most bf/gf relationships end sooner or later these days anyway.

I have only one rule, for now: I won't help a girl who's taken cheat on her man.:nono:

 

[picard]

how would you guys know if she is married? women wear all sorts of rings on their fingers. I get confused just looking at those rings.

 

[Chrispy]

how would you guys know if she is married? women wear all sorts of rings on their fingers. I get confused just looking at those rings.

You have to ask. Don't make the mistake of NOT asking, then taking her out only to find you wasted all that time!!

ASK QUESTIONS!

Drum&Bass, you sound good looking and passively picky! But the game play is the same, so to speak. Keep getting out there and date a lot. Don't get hung up on good looks, as looks are only skin deep. Plus a date is not a committment so it's good to date a variety of ppl

 

[insidious]

Phk. I hear ya.
At the top of my game recently.

Then, a few consecutive approaches which kinda petered out once the "boyfriend" line came out and suddenly I question the triumph of good over evil again

 

[Chrispy]

Phk. I hear ya.
At the top of my game recently.

Then, a few consecutive approaches which kinda petered out once the "boyfriend" line came out and suddenly I question the triumph of good over evil again

Be happy they told you...the alternative is that you spend a night or what not only to later find out you have to compete. Competing is good, but not when it is an uphill battle.

 

[Archaxis]

My question is why do women and guys around me assume I get tons of girls.

Women tell me I'm good looking and I have game so they assume I do well with women. Guys will tell me I'm good looking and can't understand why I would have trouble getting a girlfriend or even want one for that matter....what everyone doesn't realize is that I do have trouble getting girls and I find I really gotta be focused and committed (jump through hoops) to date or hook up.

i have really good self esteem but sometimes because of these reactions I question myself and think maybe people are just being nice to me for what ever reason.

Here, let me clarify as I recently discovered why I'm in the same boat you are. you have good self-image, not self-esteem. Self-image is how you precive yourself based on your own analysis, self-esteem comes from positive encounters. Being good looking is no guarntee that you'll get female attention, I have gotten very little... everyone assumes it as not being difficult and that it just goes on in some other (non-existant) part of your world. To further complicate, guys seem to shut you out because they're intimadated or whatever... How to get out of the rut? I can't say, I haven't found an angle.

 

[Drum&Bass]

Hey everyone thanks for the replies.
it has been awhile since I posted this thread and I have met 2 beautiful girls (both are HB 10's) since then. I'm seeing both but I already know which one I want more.

I'll post a FR on how I got them soon but Chrispy,

Keep getting out there and date a lot. Don't get hung up on good looks, as looks are only skin deep. Plus a date is not a committment so it's good to date a variety of ppl

you were right !!

I was becoming impatient about finding a girl when I wanted to find a girl. when I didn't get the girl at the time I WANTED, I become disappointed and frustrated.

so my lesson is, if a bunch of people see something good in me, and I have strong self confidence and good esteem, its only a matter of time before I get what I want, but I've gotta be PRO-ACTIVE about things and not give up or get to emotionally down (Hence why I started to question myself).

Archaxis I think your on to something but if people assume you do well with women that means I think everything is in check (esteem and image), you just have to play the numbers game until yours is up, and as far as other guys shutting you out, I would suggest finding more socially experienced (cooler) guys to hang around. Any man that gets jealous of you because of who you are has other issues of their own that you don't need to deal with so keep at it my friend your just going through a dry spell right now!

 

[zafuhunter]

book recommendation

D&B,

based on your intial post I recommend you read Intimate Connections by David Burns. Ignore the cheesy title and pick it up because I think it will clearly address the concerns you raised.

Also based on your comment about having decided on which of the HB10's you'd like to keep seeing I'd caution you to be wary of oneitis. I could be completely off here but as someone who has more experience with the condition than I care to remember something in your post gave me the inkling it might be lurking around.

ZH

 

[Arsinel]

Guys will tell me I'm good looking and I can't understand why I would have trouble getting a girlfriend or even want one for that matter....

Now you're giving me that "I'm a homosexual" vibe.

:nono: :nono:

 

[Drum&Bass]

zafuhunter VERY GOOD CALL !!! one of these girls I feel like i want to marry, but i'm not showing her any strong signs of affection, unfortunately I'm playing the stoic game and keeping her interested and wanting more, which I hate but Ive learned that you gotta play the BS games for a bit to get what you want..but yea I admit I got oneitis for this girl..but i'm still dating other women..

Arsinel, once you get to a certain age or a certain level of maturity and your truly secure in your masculinity complimenting other guys on superficial things is NOT a sign of homosexuality, especially if your asking your friends why you haven't got a girl yet and asking if anythings wrong with you (to set things in context).

 

[zafuhunter]

"unfortunately I'm playing the stoic game and keeping her interested and wanting more, which I hate but Ive learned that you gotta play the BS games for a bit to get what you want"

Imagine if you were honestly committed to being with this girl yet you were also genuinely detached from the outcome. Then it is no longer about any "B.S. games". It is just who you are. You are the prize. You are complete with or without anyone else. Check out Burns. Follow the light.

 

[tmpgstx]

There is something i do call 'mutually feared rejection' though. It's when one or the other person give subtle hints but neither will really bust a move.

I don't know how many girls i've blown off thinking they weren't interested (and they the same of me) when talking with them later. They thought i rejected because i didn't show enough interest.

Go figure, you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. You show too much interest early and you become expendible. You don't show enough interest and then you're an azz for rejecting them. What gives? Aaaaahh, i know balance .. ok then .. and the mystery to what a woman wants thus continues.

 

[The_flying_dutchman]

My question is why do women and guys around me assume I get tons of girls.

Women tell me I'm good looking and I have game so they assume I do well with women. Guys will tell me I'm good looking and can't understand why I would have trouble getting a girlfriend or even want one for that matter....what everyone doesn't realize is that I do have trouble getting girls and I find I really gotta be focused and committed (jump through hoops) to date or hook up.

i have really good self esteem but sometimes because of these reactions I question myself and think maybe people are just being nice to me for what ever reason.

I used to be like this also. Girls would tell me I'm really good looking and I'd say to myself:

"Okay, if I'm handsome, why would she so casually(and without hesitation) say it to me directly. I thought when a girl found a guy attractive that she would be too nervous to admit it"

Without sounding too ****y, I actually am a damn handsome fellow, so I know that girls genuinely meant it when they say I'm handsome. But the problem was that I was too much of a niceguy and that's why they didn't hesitate to say it to me--because even though I was handsome by modern standards, I wasn't HOT-- meaning that they weren't attracted to me.

I think the same thing maybe happening to you, also. Not trying to knock you or anything, but if you appear to be too nice, girls won't hesitate to tell you straight up that your good-looking. Unfortunately, if they do so, it's usually a sign that they're not interested in you. Remember, game is more important than looks in a female's eyes.

EDIT:: I also learned through careful observation of females that if:

a) she tells a guy that he's good looking because he asked her, then she's just being nice

b) she just straight up tells a guy he's good-looking without being asked, then it's usually genuine. However, like I said above, if she shows no signs of nervousness when saying it, it means she thinks he's attractive but isn't necessarily attracted to him.

 

[Drum&Bass]

The_flying_dutchman, I never thought about it that way...I am aggressive and assertive when it comes to women that I like and want to f-ck, but when it comes to girls i like but couldn't care to much about f-cking I'm pretty laid back and easy going and these are usually the women that compliment me blatantly.

by the way I F-Closed HB10 last night and working on another HB10 today. i think I've learned alot since my original post and now the issue of not having options is no longer an issue thanks all for the advice.

 

[Latinoman]

When it comes to picking up "girlfriends" (as women that people see me and consider my girlfriend), I am like Le Parisien. I have too. I have a reputation that i must maintain. And I have very high standards.

In fact, I agree with Le Parisien posts (all of them).