Are all abused women messed up?

[justadude]

Thank God I found this Forum. Met the ex fiance as I was going through my divorce 7 years ago. Needless to say, I wasn't thinking right. We hit it off real good, she was good with the kids. The I noticed small things at first, the passive aggressive behavior.

Then the nightmares... Come to find out she had been divorced three times. I know,should've ran like hell. She never knew her real father,he and his family denied her. She was sexually abused by her older brother for years. The attention seeking is there too. Always changing her FB pic, in my opinion that is attention seeking.
I caught her in some lies and things didn't add up, engagement is off. I guess I dodged a bullet.
Here is the thing, I dated a quite few women during my divorce and it seems the majority had some kind of sexuall abuse happen to them. I wonder if I am just a magnet for these chics. Oh and she never had any kind of therapy whatsoever.

 

[VikingKing]

Most yes. Sexual abuse is a big no no, very few can get over that and be ok. I had an ex who was abused sexually, when we first fvcked, she was asking me to slap her in the face and I did, but then she kept saying harder, and I did a little bit harder, then she said harder again. At this point I was like, I dont think so I just want to fvck you not beat you. She responded with "I guess you can't handle me." I was like oh really? then I started to leave and she back pedaled immediately. Now I eventually decided to stay because she begged me.

I should have left when she told me about the abuse (the fact it happend, and the fact she tells you are both red flags) but I stayed with her, then after that I should have left when she said " I guess you can't handle me".

I'm pretty sure she cheated, but I dont care this was when I was 17, plus she is kinda fat now.

My brother dated a girl for 6 years who her uncle sexually abused her, that ended up being a mess and waste of time.

I think in general men tend to get over abuse more thoroughly, and if they don't they probably end up getting a criminal record.

Women don't have the capacity to work through these things logically like men, so they just bury it and it makes them go bad.

My friend married a girl who was just emotionally abusive, she treats him like sh!t and is emotionally abusive.


So pretty much any form of abuse ruins women. Avoid it if at all necessary, its unlikely you will meet a woman who was abused that had the capability to get over it.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Just a Dude,
"Are all abused women messed up?"...Is it that or do many messed up Women invent some culturally acceptable abuse in their lives to justify aberrant behaviour?

 

[VikingKing]

Dear Just a Dude,
"Are all abused women messed up?"...Is it that or do many messed up Women invent some culturally acceptable abuse in their lives to justify aberrant behaviour?

True. Many women who are messed up could just make that up to make excuses for their behavior and get you to feel guilty.

 

[tryst type]

This is an interesting thread because it made me realize that all the women I've had the most fun with sexually ie they were up for a little kinkiness and roughness, all had admitted to being sexually abused when younger.

 

[justadude]

This is an interesting thread because it made me realize that all the women I've had the most fun with sexually ie they were up for a little kinkiness and roughness, all had admitted to being sexually abused when younger.

Yep, in my experience everyone that was willing to do about anything had that happen also.

 

[justadude]

Dear Just a Dude,
"Are all abused women messed up?"...Is it that or do many messed up Women invent some culturally acceptable abuse in their lives to justify aberrant behaviour?

I think that happens quite a bit too. I am pissed at myself because the three divorces should have been enough even without the abuse to send me running for the hills.

 

[abe0]

I think any of the following are red flags and they will have a difficult time to develop long lasting relationships...
If the were sexually abused specially by someone they trusted in the family
If they have no history of a long term relationship
If they have no long standing friends.....gee, you are 40 yo and you known your only and best friend for less than one year...run
If they have no communications with any of their siblings
If they can not stand their parents and have had no contact with them

I am not saying that there may not be a good reason for what has happened...but I am saying that women like that will have relationship issues and trust issues and the likely hood is going to be you will be one of many short term acquaintances. It takes too much time, money, therapy to change these women ...and its best that they do it on somebody's else's watch and not your time.
Abe

 

[NewToTheGame]

Here is the thing, I dated a quite few women during my divorce and it seems the majority had some kind of sexuall abuse happen to them. I wonder if I am just a magnet for these chics. Oh and she never had any kind of therapy whatsoever.

I have had the same experience. Actually went to a therapist about it...it was happening so often that it really started to bother me.

My takeaway from the experience what that it was reflective of a few personality traits I had/have.

1. Not feeling successful enough in my own right. <- Probably the most important. Led me to pursue girls that were unsuccessful themselves. Girls in dead-end hired gun jobs particularly. Guess because it made me feel superior and/or better about myself. Also, it led me to be empathetic towards their plight.

2. Classic white-knight, AFC, Captain Save-A-Ho behavior. Although 90% of the time I banged the girl, I didn't maintain frame, and usually ended up in a weird 2-3 month pseudo-relationship that I had little control over.

3. Not being experienced enough with different kinds of girls to understand what I was dealing with. Thinking that abused girls' mood swings and inexplicable behavior was a result of my actions rather than their mental instability.

4. Being sexually repressed as a teenager / early 20-something. Led me to crave the kind of ridiculous sex that abused girls provide.

I'm still working through this myself. Just got my head spun by another one over Christmas. Was just a brief interaction, had been avoiding her for months, but when she showed up to my place I couldn't resist. Feeling better about it than I would have in the past, but she is still on my mind.

 

[Colossus]

I used to attract really messed up women as well. And I learned it was because I was messed up myself!!

I had a fairly sh!tty late childhood and never really dealt with it. My mother and father fought incessantly and my mother was very belittling and often talked down about my father when he wasn't around. They divorced when I was about 8, and my mother later developed cancer. She passed away when I was 13.

During my parents single years they both dated a lot and it kind of messed me up....it is just fvcking weird for a 10-12 year old kid to deal with mom and dad's new boyfriend or girlfriend every few months.

After my mother's death I became extremely withdrawn and very fragile emotionally. This led me to fall in love with girls who weren't healthy themselves, and I suffered a lot of very painful rejections. Insult to injury. Due to my almost total lack of confidence I had zero success with women until I was about 20, and even then I just couldn't keep a girlfriend for more than a few months for fear of rejection and other insecurities.

College came and I had a horrific oneitis that lasted for 2.5 years...which was the driving force that brought me to game and eventually counseling.

I'm a 32 year old man now and it took me a LONG time of focused therapy, game reading, and in the field experience before I could come to a healthy place with myself and the women I chose. When you are unhealthy you really do attract birds of a feather.

Another important point is that abused and damaged girls will often gravitate towards healthy guys, because they seek something from you they never got from their father or past boyfriends. It's all evident in their behaviors. Neediness, pervasive insecurity, passive-aggressive tendencies, push-pull behavior, outbursts, flighty behaviors, and even weird sexual hangups can signal you should jump ship ASAP!!!

 

[justadude]

I have been taking a look at myself lately, thinking that there is something I am doing or not doing that attract these women. I had a great childhood, my parents were married 46 years before my father passed last year. Nothing traumatic ever happened. I do consider myself blessed for the childhood I had.

I do know that being my age, other than the highschool sweetheart thing, I have only had two long terms. My ex wife 13 yr marriage and this last one about 6 years.

The 1 yr or so during my separation, I dated a lot. I always cut ties when they got serious because I just wanted to see what was out there and told them all that.

I was once told by a friend that a lot of abused women seek a guy they feel can protect them. Being 6'3 and 250 ish, I have been told by more than one women they felt "safe" with me.

I guess I should add that I know NOW, that I wasnt ready for anything serious when I got involved with the last one. It was too soon after the divorce.