Approach Journal

[thefonz]

Alright, I've been here long enough, I figure it's time to put one of these out. Consider every post before this to be me being a KBJ. Lemme just give you guys a brief background. I'm relatively old at 23 and have never been in a serious relationship besides dating. I've had social anxiety since I was about 17 and have recently found ways to cope in the past year or so. I've conquered the huge obstacle of schooling getting near straight A's in my clinical science program at UMASS after being a mediocre student my whole life. I know more about working out than most guys here and I consider myself fairly attractive. What I've learned from these experiences is that if you focus on ONE thing at a time it becomes much easier to conquer than taking on everything at once.

I wanted to get started last summer after I started the bootcamp but quit early on figuring it was a waste of time. Only cus I couldn't do it. Looking back I think i went into it with a poor mindset and didn't try to learn from my experiences.

I've recently realized that the only way to get anything you REALLY want out of life is to obsess about it. The past week or so I have been obsessing about approaching. I think about it when I wake up and when I go to sleep. I don't want to wait for the right moment to hit on chicks. I want to do it when I choose. All the advice people give you on this website won't mean **** unless you really really obsess about changing. Music won't inspire me because it's all talk. Working out doesn't inspire me because it's conditinal to me being physically able. My greatest source of inspiration comes from the fact that no matter what position I am in regarding any situation I can work to improve it the next day (credit: BrotherAP). I remember this semestor getting a 68 on my first exam and getting really pissed off. SO pissed I narrowed in on that class and got a 90, 90, 98, 82 on the next ones.

I'll do this with the same focus:

My plan going in is to focus on being fun. I'll use some scripts and try different angles on approaching. I'm not expecting to get anything out of this. I will keep doing it until I get over the fear, no particular number goal. Wish me luck.

 

[Slam_Jam]

I also suffered from Social Anxiety and I'm 25 and have never been in a serious relationship. However, I went to therapy and I'm a lot less anxious now, but I still have my moments. Anyway, good luck. I'm in the same boat as you...I need to start massively approaching girls.

 

[thefonz]

Sorry to hear that slam, don't give up.....it's all about challenging your thoughts.

Picked a bad time to start I guess

Malls are too packed to even think about going to and the gym is closed (DAMIT!). All the buds are with their families so for the moment I'm just gonna concentrate on being fun and social at family events.

I work as a host at a restraunt, which I got for the sole purpose of working on my openings. Worked yesterday and hit on every single waitress with neg-hits and MAVEC for practice. A couple liked it but one or two weren't interested despite laughing, they're just negative to begin with. I love being in control. I'm constantly practicing the leader persona with everyone that walks in the door. Women respond to it better than the smiling happy guy.

I've got some openers planned for monday which should get the ball rolling.

 

[84karat]

big BUMP...how are the approaches coming along?

Originally posted by thefonz
I will keep doing it until I get over the fear, no particular
number goal. Wish me luck.

Yeah, don't forget why you're doing this. It's to get over you fear of approaching right now. Forget what works and doesn't. You might as well just go up and say "hi" to 50 hot chicks. It really doesn't matter. Regardless of the outcome of the situation, you will have successfully faced your fear. The more you allow the fear to linger and don't face it, the stronger it becomes. Think of the fear as your enemy...it's just you and your fear. Right now, it is not about the girl or the number or the close. Just you and the fear. Conquer it.

Originally posted by thefonz
Picked a bad time to start I guess

No way, it's always a good time to start anything. I used to be like that...figure out a goal, and be like, "okay, I'll start tomorrow." No, **** that, start right now. The world won't stop, life doesn't stop...get those goals going right now. One of my favorite phrases / mental mantra has become, "do it now!" (courtesy of Dale Carnegie). It is never a bad time, it is never too late...just do it now.

Good luck, and keep us posted

 

[thefonz]

sorry for not updating, i've been a busy bastard

ok, I basically started doing this with my buddy from cali and we did 3 approaches total at the mall

12/28/05

Went looking for a present for my mom's birthday with friend who loves to talk to people so I figure he'd help me get the ball rolling. I was actually at the mall the day before but failed miserably in doing any apporaches, I felt like **** going home.

Approach 1

We were standing around talking near the cards and there was a girl about 6 ft to our right looking for cards aswell (but I could tell she was secretly scooping us out). My buddy started trying to AMOG me. Went something like this

Buddy: Hey, too bad that thing with Melissa didn't work out.....I guess Rick beat you too her (this happened 6 months ago and I nexted her for being a flake)
Me: Ya ok, stop trying to play the alpha male in front of the girls (calling him out, while simultaneously acknowledging the girl)
Her: giggles
Me: My friend likes the attention, what's you name?
Her: Ya...Leah

From here it was basically us throwing out questions and having short banter with each other, but I tried to take more command over the situation and I can tell he didn't like it, he's got kind of an anti-social personality (textbook definition) so he will throw out the occasional low blow when given the oppurtunity, that's what happens when you know someone for 12 years We eventually left with
Her: Nice meeting you guys, but I need to get to work soon.
Us: (being a bunch of pussies) OK, see you later!

Approach 2
I can't really take credit for the bulk of this but: 2 girls walked towards us as we left the body shop. This is where he's really good, we were casually talking and the second the walked towards us he just blurted out

Buddy: hey what's up
HB8.5: hey
Buddy: What you guys up too?
HB8.5: We're just shopping blah blah (I seriously for the first 5 seconds thought he knew them from somewhere, very casual and they were HOT)
Buddy: (starts talking about buying his g/f her necklace)
Me: (start talking about how his g/f is cool but I wouldn't mess her blah blah)

I don't think this should really count for anything though cus I didn't really carry th convo and I could tell they were more into him and I was more his accessory. They left with big smiles but made little ec with me.

Approach 3

After our weak ass streak of biting the dust, we felt the need to rewad ourselves with some cigars. I bought my Arturo de Rossi and he got some giant mexican thing at the newspaper store. I headed to the register by myself and handed the cigar to the HB6

Methinking of something to say) Godam, that cigar room does wonders for my skin, I feel like I took a shower. (fake gay tone)
Her: Well I'm glad it worked out
Me: I have a pedicure to get to, can we make this quick?
Her:laughs, ok
Me: What's your name? (bad segway, lost the fizzle)
Her: Keri
Me: How do you like it here, good money?
Her:It's ok

Usually when I get nervous I start acting too serious and this is one of those cases, I had it to begin with then I just started getting uncomfortable. I don't know if she knew but I couldn't joke around as much. I stink. I might have actually tried to number close but I couldn't get my rythm back.

Me: Ok I need to get going, Nice seeing you
Her: Bye (indifferent)

Well that was it for this day, very lame I know but I feel like I need more direction, I wanna try doing the are you single (via pugsely) thing but I don't know if that will help.

I have some other approaches that I'll type out later, just wanted you guys to hear about these apporaches....let me have it, I'm loosing direction and I need to stop smoking cigars and get more serious about this.

P.S Glad to see you back H, and Shez I'll em you at some point.....these pms suck, i know

 

[The Nice Guy is Gone]

you're doing good

When I first started doing approaches, I had a terrible time transitions the convo, too. The key is to try to ask questions where she will talk, maybe have to elaborate a bit (open-ended questions); It's kind of a step-by-step thing. As she is answering, insert little comments here and there (so it doesn't come off like an interview), and listen to her answers, so that you can take the convo to new territory. Also, once I got a little more comfortable with transitions, I stayed with the same girl for too long. This has happened quite a bit, but now, I am learning from that. I got a former strippers number last night--I'll give you the link in a minute--but I bailed as soon as I saw the convo fizzling out. So, work on your transitions first--try to make the convo flow to where you want it to, by listening, inserting comments, and keep the focus on her.

Here's the link:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=92811

 

[thefonz]

Ok, I got 2 other approaches done by myself since I first set up this thread......Yes, I am embarrased about this. I've been falling back into my old lazy habits since I got out of school and I can feel the motivation for all this coming and going every few days even though i've been thinking about it for MONTHS now and still can't live up to my word. I mostly blame pot for this, once I start I can't stop adn I'm generally useless for the rest of the day. But no more for the rest of the break. At least I'm not taking any steps BACKWARD which always worries me. I'm still taking any oppurtunities I can find to chat up strangers but I'm just not going past what I already know.

Anway, here's what i've done so far

1/3/06 - Happy New Year

I have the day off from work. I was walking into the the Pheasant Lane Mall in Nashua and it was ****in COLD as crap. I see a girl running up the lot to get in the "intermidiate area" between the mall store and the outside of Sears. I notice she doesn't have a jacket so I'm like, "****, I got an opener...GO GO" I walk into the "mud room" of the store.

Me: What happened to your jacket? (could have been said with more energy)
Her: (surprised I talked) It's in my mom's car
Me: Why aren't you wearing it? It's ****in 2 degrees outside (swore out of nervousness)
Her: I dunno, I didn't feel like it
Me: Geez, look at you. (best I could come up with, spoke too quietly)
Her: Huh?
Me: It's freezing, I wish I was wearing 2 jackets right now.
Her: Ya, it's cold
Me: How old are you? (starting to feel the fear)
Her:17 (looked older)
Me: Wow, you're a youngin
Her: Ya
Me: Well, I gotta get goin. I gotta pay the bills (This statement doesn't make any sense, I know I'm just nervous)
Her: Bye (indifferent)
Me: Go buy a jacket
Her: *small chuckle

I immediatly heard her age and used it as a cop out to avoid asking for the number. **** me. I should have asked regardless cus the name of this game is experimentation. It was weird cus before I approached this **** she looked like an 8 but once I approached her I bumped her down to 6. This is something I've been noticing in recent days, girls look much hotter in my imaginary world than in the real world of actually walking up to them and talking.

Approach 2

1/4/06

This one took place at a party. There was a total slutbag who wasn't part of this approach but confessed to me at a new years party that she had a total crush on me from a year ago and wanted to **** me sometime. She's one of those girls that somedays she's a 7 and others shes like a 4-5. Tonight she was a 5, A ho nonetheless. Well on this night she stepped it up a notch and starting demanding that I take a pic of my **** in the bathroom for her. I refused saying, "Why would I do that, what's in it for me." She quickly shifted the focus saying she wants to blow me in the bathroom. The only thing is her boyfriend was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO US and I wasn't looking to fight anyone (even though I could take him). I declined releasing even in my drunk state, that doing this could result in party drama because everyone there would find out cus there was only about 15 people there at one time. **** that, I'll find other sources of head . I just wanted to mention this, but anyway

Was sitting in the living room talking to some new people from target talking to some afc's including a fat gay spanish kid who would not stop blattently hitting on me (a story in itself). But there was a girl with a decent rack HB6.5 sitting by herself looking bored as hell. Grabbed my balls and went in

Me: So you work at Target too?
Her: Ya
Me: You look kinda bored, what's up? (didn't like the road I started on so I tried switching direction)
Her: I dunno, there's nothing going on here
Me: Maybe if you weren't boring, you wouldn't be bored (too soon to break this out?)
Her: You think so? (clearly offended)
Me: Yep (holding my ground)
Her: Hold on a minute.....

She then grabs her jacket and goes outside to smoke a butt and talk on the phone. She then came back in and told us that she was going to get her friend and they were leaving to go to the club. She came back later in the night with her young sluttly friend (these were textbook party chicks). I attempted to try again for my higher power named Experience

Me: What club did you guys go to?
Her: Omega
Me: Omega? (repeating, and also drawing a blank, I was pretty drunk at this point, mistake I know)
Her: *Introducing her friend*.. She's pretty young

Now I don't remember exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of "The younger the better"......I don't remember, but it was a toned down version of my old gag, "The smaller the hands, the bigger it looks.". This did not fly well. In fact, I remember being shot 'the look' by both of the girls as if they were mentally putting mental note on me to Stay Away, Scumbag. I'm dumb and could not recover from this. Everything else I asked was responded with a monotone "yes/no". I find party girls to be the hardest to game because they act in an obnoxious combination of teenage brattiness and masculenity. But just as a challenge, I want to be a able to bag party girls at somepoint. Just bascially to say that i can, and also to be better able to gain social proof for other girls.

I promise I'll give you guys something good to read about, I know these are lame. But I'm off the pot, going back to the gym and I'll do my best to make this a daily priority

I'm working on building my weak voice by listening to some Dane Cook standup. "Someone **** on the coats!!" lol. Thats the kind of energy I need for my approaches.

 

[84karat]

You're doing fine.

I know exactly what you mean by "Usually when I get nervous I start acting too serious and this is one of those cases, I had it to begin with then I just started getting uncomfortable."

Don't let that get to you...actually, this is great, because it means you are facing the fear. Still, the reason you got nervous is because you became self-conscious and began to notice your own nervousness, etc. I've done this many times before...and to just say, focus on the present, is much easier said than done...but in essence, that's what you need to do. Smile more and laugh, it usually makes you so comfortable.

Really immerse yourself in the atmosphere (in other words, the girl is completely secondary), and you'll start to notice tons of things to bounce conversation off of. Like I said, that's much easier said than done, and you'll achieve this in time...you'll get a "feel" for how it is to really be in the moment...you're quick on your feet, you're laid back, etc.

Some call it being "in the zone." For me, to turn this on if I'm not "feeling it" at the moment, I usually spit some mental-mantra to myself. Kind of like an inner pep-talk, short and sweet. Usually, I'll remind myself that I am the shiznit, of my smoothest times, of my most fearful experiences (sometimes reminding myself of more fear actually gets me really relaxed because the current scenario is nothing in comparison to other past experiences)...I've got through plenty of things...and so have you, so you know anything else is just self-limiting beliefs.

I remind myself why I am where I'm at...I'm in class to learn, at the cafe to get coffee...I'm not there for chicks, so if I chat them up, they got to get my attention...just relax and get into what I'm into.

Another technique Player_Supreme mentions is trying to hum or sing to a song you know, and trying to keep the right rhythm/melody...I've notice that also helps to keep the mind off sub-conscious thoughts.

Someone once said, "everything you need, you have inside of you...you just need to tap into it"

You can be smooth, funny, whatever...you just have to be it. And when you've "felt it" or experienced it before, you know how it is to revert back to that. The more you do it, the easier it is to do it again.

But for now, just focus on the fear...feel it. How it makes you nervous as hell. I made a fool of myself plenty of times...to realize that it really 'aint no thang' ...seriously no one cares, even if I have run into the same girl again, we just both smile (she might be laughing at me, but I don't care...girls still love me, maybe not her, but there's millions more out there)...plus you live in a really big city.

You will feel at some points like you're getting no where...but it just takes time, be patient with yourself.

The reason you have to do so many approaches is because you have to keep practicing methods of driving the illogical fear out of your head. Once you learn the best ways to cope with fear, and kill it, you'll know exactly how you can best ease yourself in similar situations. And that's why it takes some longer/shorter to learn how to help themselves defeat fear in their minds...I think basically that's what it's all about.

Best of luck, and keep approaching :woo:

 

[Bhekizwe]

Keep dem posts coming in