theapprentice said:
I think I know some of the causes of my anixety.
1. Not knowing what to say, my mind goes blank and I cant think of anything funny or suave to say to the girl even if I am staring at her, my mind is empty. Im not a wise guy in my day to day life either, so I feel like If I try and talk to a girl but I dont say something she like or sounds cool, that she will just me down. So not even having something decent to say de-motivates me.
2. Also Her finding out what I am up to. I feel like If I make any moves (striking up a conversation or smiling making eye contact) taht she will find out that I am interested in her sexually which to mee for some reason I feel afraid about her finding out. I'm afraid that she will find out that I like her in that way and that when she does find out she will just reject me, and say nasty things like "get away from me creep" or "sorry Im not interested."
"I mean why would any girl like me?" is the feeling that runs through my body when Im thinking about talking to somebody. Even though the thought doesnt occur to me, and I can tell myself till hell freezes over, "I am the great catch" but when time comes it all disappears, all the training goes out of the window.
Its like if you touch a hot stove you dont want to touch it again.
3. Rejection is to painful for me, and I cant seem to just shrug it off like it means nothing to me. If for example I grab my nuts and try and talk to a girl and she rejects me, the next time I will really be weary about doing so. After getting rejected I'll feel so terrible.
I even know why, its because my self esteem is low, so my value becomes dependable on what a stranger says rather than being self assured, it makes me open to fluctuations in my self image based on others. I have tried to build up more self confidence but it never seems enough to disregard rejection.
It all feels like a nasty cycle.
1. rehearse exchanges if you must to begin with. according to neil strauss and mystery and some guys, it seems that they are not so much great conversationalists but have simply memorized a large repertoire of lines that will work in different situations.
imo, this is not the best way to go but especially if you are going BLANK, it's a good way for you to start. imagine scenarios and START WRITING!
2. this was my problem too... do a search of mike pilinski's without embarrassment on google... you might want to get it for yourself. talks about how many of us are ashamed to express the fact that we want affection from women... when it is the most natural thing in the world.
in fact, it is not a question of whether or not they know what you're up to.
they KNOW what you're doing! but if you approach casually with chit chat instead of "marry me!", you have risked very little and if she signals for you to eject, you move along.
the whole idea of the open is to let her know subtly that you are interested so that you can tell from her reaction whether you should continue to bail.
"why would any girl like me"... i understand this too.... if you haven't had spectacular success (or any) with women, it is natural to feel this way. but it is lazy for you to CONTINUE feeling this way. yes, that thought might come into your head. kill it. don't let it linger. and decide right now that you are going to PURSUE BECOMING ATTRACTIVE! it is a skill. and you can learn it if you try.
if you want it, don't let anything stop you from getting it. decide to do it and do it. and any action that you take in helping yourself will reap benefits. coming here was a good first step.
3. i understand this too... and psychologically, it is extremely EXTREMELY COMMON... why do you think they have sayings like "once burned, twice shy".... i've felt it myself.
but this is why you should read the dj bible and do some of the DESENSITIZATION EXERCISES.
i am NOT fully desensitized yet either. there is sometimes that little bit of dread. but i am convinced that if you keep doing it, it will die.
all emotions are dependent on NOVELTY. you can get bored with ANYTHING! even fear.
and if you do it enough, you will begin to realize that the consequences did not kill you. no big deal.
a bit of killing the novelty of the fear as well as realization that, hey, it's not actually very bad.
read the dj bible. at least become aware that there are exercises for you to engage in right now. and they don't throw you in the deep end. it starts out easy. do it!
and once again, i'm right there with ya man. i truly do feel your pain - personally - and often. but i'm working on it. so should you. good luck.
delta
