Approach anxiety.

[Francisco d'Anconia]

No confidence in the world could get you to approach, this is why you just jump in and do it, its kinda like going to a new school, you don't want to leave all your all friends but its a must, when your actually in there you finnally realize "What was the big deal?"

Here's another example of a guy with no direction, no purpose. Instead of taking the time to learn how to do something effectively he prematurely jumps in and "fakes it." It's a lot like guys who get lost and won't ask for directions when they're lost. Protecting your pride is fine as long as it doesn't make you look silly during its execution.

It's guys like this who will eventually get lucky and score however they will have no idea how they did it. They had no plan to follow, they never reviewed what worked and what didn't in the past, they just did things haphazardly. That's why when asked how they were successful they can't tell you, they just say "just jump in and do it."

 

[rsxtreme]

Figure out exactly what you are afraid of and work on that. Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of not knowing what to say? The fear of thinking that everyone is watching you? Is it a general lack of confidence? Whatever it may be, specifically work on that aspect. You need to go in prepared, winging it is a waste of time and effort.

that sums it all up!

 

[theapprentice]

i think

I think I know some of the causes of my anixety.

1. Not knowing what to say, my mind goes blank and I cant think of anything funny or suave to say to the girl even if I am staring at her, my mind is empty. Im not a wise guy in my day to day life either, so I feel like If I try and talk to a girl but I dont say something she like or sounds cool, that she will just me down. So not even having something decent to say de-motivates me.

2. Also Her finding out what I am up to. I feel like If I make any moves (striking up a conversation or smiling making eye contact) taht she will find out that I am interested in her sexually which to mee for some reason I feel afraid about her finding out. I'm afraid that she will find out that I like her in that way and that when she does find out she will just reject me, and say nasty things like "get away from me creep" or "sorry Im not interested."

"I mean why would any girl like me?" is the feeling that runs through my body when Im thinking about talking to somebody. Even though the thought doesnt occur to me, and I can tell myself till hell freezes over, "I am the great catch" but when time comes it all disappears, all the training goes out of the window.

Its like if you touch a hot stove you dont want to touch it again.

3. Rejection is to painful for me, and I cant seem to just shrug it off like it means nothing to me. If for example I grab my nuts and try and talk to a girl and she rejects me, the next time I will really be weary about doing so. After getting rejected I'll feel so terrible.

I even know why, its because my self esteem is low, so my value becomes dependable on what a stranger says rather than being self assured, it makes me open to fluctuations in my self image based on others. I have tried to build up more self confidence but it never seems enough to disregard rejection.

It all feels like a nasty cycle.

 

[The Acacia Strain]

i have approach anxiety as well...

i think the biggest cause for mine is that i did not know the PROCEDURE OF WHAT IT IS EXACTLY I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO! but regarding this, it's pretty simple and the following is gleaned from education off this very site.

1. approach
2. open
3. GAUGE REACTION
4. develop/continue or EJECT! (good place to put in an artificial time limit "i gotta go soon but..." to let her know you're not gonna cling to her for the rest of the evening/day) if she's interested, SHE WILL THROW YOU LIFE LINES for continuing. if she reacts badly, coldly, with disinterest, YOU EJECT! you're NOT trying to win her over. you're seeing if she's receptive to you. if she is not, you move on. and you will have risked NOTHING.
5. close (get her number)

a few things that are helping me overcome anxiety:

1. you are just PINGING them when you first meet. you're not asking for their hand in marriage. you are simply initiating ANY KIND OF TRIVIAL INTERACTION FOR ONE PURPOSE ONLY: GAUGE HER REACTION!

hopefully, you can talk about something in the environment.

2. they always say ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS. but for the longest time, i had a HECKUVA TIME formulating questions that don't require a yes or no! well, turns out, it's the rules of journalism:
a. WHO
b. WHAT
c. WHERE
d. HOW
e. WHY

begin your question with one of those and it is IMPOSSIBLE to answer with a yes or no.

3. it is JUST CHIT CHAT. you're just starting up a conversation with a stranger... like how you might do so with an old man or something... nice day huh? except there is a possibility of getting laid here.

you're just trying to MEET them.

and if they resist, you really lost very little, if any, face.
----------------------------------------------------------------

i've been thinking about trying the direct approach - usually, on the approach, the awkward thing is TRYING TO JUSTIFY YOUR INCURSION into her world.

with the direct approach, you are telling here straight away.

"listen, i was just doing some shopping but i was really struck by how attractive you are... and i really wanted to meet you. hi, my name is XXXXX."

that is an OVERT PING and you will get your CONTINUE or EJECT message very clearly at that point.

but if you get a go ahead, then you can continue with the procedure after having very decidedly broken the ice.

haven't tried this yet myself but a few have been advocating this and i can envision it working if done correctly.

good luck. i'm right there with you man.

delta

no..no no no

never ask questions...if you ever get close to a girl, you will realize they dont like being asked questions, you have to entertain them with witty comments and be funny, but make fun of her at the same time

all girls i know hate being asked questions exept a few

 

[WestCoast1492]

A conversation without questions.. Hmm..sounds like a stand up comedy routine.

 

[Obie]

Stop being a b1tch, grab your balls, go up to her and be a man!!!!!

 

[Delta]

I think I know some of the causes of my anixety.

1. Not knowing what to say, my mind goes blank and I cant think of anything funny or suave to say to the girl even if I am staring at her, my mind is empty. Im not a wise guy in my day to day life either, so I feel like If I try and talk to a girl but I dont say something she like or sounds cool, that she will just me down. So not even having something decent to say de-motivates me.

2. Also Her finding out what I am up to. I feel like If I make any moves (striking up a conversation or smiling making eye contact) taht she will find out that I am interested in her sexually which to mee for some reason I feel afraid about her finding out. I'm afraid that she will find out that I like her in that way and that when she does find out she will just reject me, and say nasty things like "get away from me creep" or "sorry Im not interested."

"I mean why would any girl like me?" is the feeling that runs through my body when Im thinking about talking to somebody. Even though the thought doesnt occur to me, and I can tell myself till hell freezes over, "I am the great catch" but when time comes it all disappears, all the training goes out of the window.

Its like if you touch a hot stove you dont want to touch it again.

3. Rejection is to painful for me, and I cant seem to just shrug it off like it means nothing to me. If for example I grab my nuts and try and talk to a girl and she rejects me, the next time I will really be weary about doing so. After getting rejected I'll feel so terrible.

I even know why, its because my self esteem is low, so my value becomes dependable on what a stranger says rather than being self assured, it makes me open to fluctuations in my self image based on others. I have tried to build up more self confidence but it never seems enough to disregard rejection.

It all feels like a nasty cycle.

1. rehearse exchanges if you must to begin with. according to neil strauss and mystery and some guys, it seems that they are not so much great conversationalists but have simply memorized a large repertoire of lines that will work in different situations.

imo, this is not the best way to go but especially if you are going BLANK, it's a good way for you to start. imagine scenarios and START WRITING!

2. this was my problem too... do a search of mike pilinski's without embarrassment on google... you might want to get it for yourself. talks about how many of us are ashamed to express the fact that we want affection from women... when it is the most natural thing in the world.

in fact, it is not a question of whether or not they know what you're up to.

they KNOW what you're doing! but if you approach casually with chit chat instead of "marry me!", you have risked very little and if she signals for you to eject, you move along.

the whole idea of the open is to let her know subtly that you are interested so that you can tell from her reaction whether you should continue to bail.

"why would any girl like me"... i understand this too.... if you haven't had spectacular success (or any) with women, it is natural to feel this way. but it is lazy for you to CONTINUE feeling this way. yes, that thought might come into your head. kill it. don't let it linger. and decide right now that you are going to PURSUE BECOMING ATTRACTIVE! it is a skill. and you can learn it if you try.

if you want it, don't let anything stop you from getting it. decide to do it and do it. and any action that you take in helping yourself will reap benefits. coming here was a good first step.

3. i understand this too... and psychologically, it is extremely EXTREMELY COMMON... why do you think they have sayings like "once burned, twice shy".... i've felt it myself.

but this is why you should read the dj bible and do some of the DESENSITIZATION EXERCISES.

i am NOT fully desensitized yet either. there is sometimes that little bit of dread. but i am convinced that if you keep doing it, it will die.

all emotions are dependent on NOVELTY. you can get bored with ANYTHING! even fear.

and if you do it enough, you will begin to realize that the consequences did not kill you. no big deal.

a bit of killing the novelty of the fear as well as realization that, hey, it's not actually very bad.

read the dj bible. at least become aware that there are exercises for you to engage in right now. and they don't throw you in the deep end. it starts out easy. do it!

and once again, i'm right there with ya man. i truly do feel your pain - personally - and often. but i'm working on it. so should you. good luck.

delta

 

[Delta]

the acacia strain,

if you're saying that i shouldn't interview them or grill them, i agree completely. but in as much as we will be asking some questions, occasionally, casually throughout a conversation, they say that we should ask questions that are not answerable with a yes or no.

i give the formula for asking that kind of question.

not that we should literally be a journalist trying to get the scoop.

delta