Approach anxiety.

[theapprentice]

I have tons of approach anxiety to the point where my body goes into the Fight or Flight mode.

Im scared of girls, Im scared of looking at them let alone trying to say something.

The worst part is that I cant think of anything more interesting to say other than "hi", which could be a good icebreaker but you need to follow up on that.

Im terrible at thinking up of things to say when I am in the moment.

How can I fix these two problems?

Side Note: I have tried to talk to as many people as I could and force myself out of my shell and force myself to overcome my fear. I just cant force myself enough to approach. Am I hopeless?

 

[LegendBoy]

Okay be honest to yourself do you like the way you look. If that answer is no then you gotta work on that first.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

The reason, for my approach anxieties is social role ambiguities. You have to approach within the social context. Cold approaches/street approaches lack a social context and you are a stranger to the target as opposed to a function or some other place.

I made a recent thread on Commanding voculary and Bible_Belt brought up 'Imperative Sentences' those are basically statements like, or using commanding statements to approach people, like excuse me, or watch out, or something like that.

To practise approaching anyone, try an imperative sentence followed with a 'purpose'. For example, you are waiting in line - talk to hb - excuse me, your face looks familar, I'm trying to remember where I've seen you before. ' (smile)

Imperative sentence used above on 'excuse me....' followed by an excuse. NOTICE - you are not even asking her any question - you are just stating something about yourself which in her eyes, could be true - which should reduce anxiety even further.

Excuse me, I'm looking to get to so and so a place, I'm wondering what's the fastest route to get there.

Now imagine if you said, "hi, have I seen you before?" I'd have ALLOT of approach anxiety if I'm going to start something like that because it's likely she'll ignore you or something.

Another thing to work on is 'smiling', smile slowly, dont smile too fast or it looks face, but not too slow either. You see someone you like, just smile slowly up and practise doing that.

**********

Here are some other thoughts:

When you are walking or conveying body language think: "I am here, you have to deal with me, and if you dont like it, too bad" instead of "I need someone to like me" - it helps to repeat it in your mind "I am here, you have to deal with me, if you dont like it, too bad.." if you are feeling anxious - and by george, MAKE people deal with you - harass them, go up to them and ask for time, directions, talk, or whatever - you are the bad boy now.

Get a job that forces you to interact with people, or just approach in venues where there is less role ambiguity and you are in 'authority' so to speak. For example, getting a survey or something.

*************

I'm still developing these concepts - but I do know that these 'aids' have helped me in my bootcamp.

 

[Bubs]

I think the anxiety all comes down to how you're thinking about it, and the anxiety usually comes from all the pressure you're putting on yourself inside your head.

I'm sure you can talk to your friends with no problem. I'm sure you can talk to a teacher with no problem and your family. Why? It still requires the same kind of actions - talking and interacting. but when it comes to a girl, you shut down.
She is simply a person just like your family, friends and teachers.And you've forced yourself to talk to more people - thats great. And that simply tells you that the problem is there because of you putting WAY too much pressure on yourself with a girl.

It's not about forcing yourself or anything. You need to change how you perceive the girl and yourself!
Maybe you feel like you're imposing and wasting her time
Maybe you feel shes thinking "Oh god, not another loser! Here we go again" (thats you perceiving yourself as a loser)

The anxiety will stop when you change the way you look at her. Just treat her like every other person without any expectations apart from a fun casual talk.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=107605

Maybe that will help.

I hope you get past it
Good luck!!

 

[Distant Light]

What you want to do is go into your first 1 or 2 sets without even thinking, just walk walk walk and then open your mouth. At that point you will be stuck so your forced to now speak, then you will realize it was no problem to approach. I know exactly how you feel because I used to be shake too, but just go in there don't think about what your doing, don't think about what to say or nothing, just jump right in the set with anything.

I don't really like Hi openers because it leads no where and you can't really have a decent follow up. Your basically trying to force her to talk with hi.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I don't know why guys believe that if they force themselves to do something, they'd be able to do it. Of course your body is going to respond negatively if something is forced upon it.

Until guys get into their heads that they want to do these things and are excited about doing it, there will always be trepidation. You can look great but still fear approaching so don't waste your time on your looks (yet). A piece of sh1t wrapped in a pretty package is still a piece of sh1t (no offense).

Figure out exactly what you are afraid of and work on that. Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of not knowing what to say? The fear of thinking that everyone is watching you? Is it a general lack of confidence? Whatever it may be, specifically work on that aspect. You need to go in prepared, winging it is a waste of time and effort.

 

[southside pimp]

I have tons of approach anxiety to the point where my body goes into the Fight or Flight mode.

Im scared of girls, Im scared of looking at them let alone trying to say something.

The worst part is that I cant think of anything more interesting to say other than "hi", which could be a good icebreaker but you need to follow up on that.

Im terrible at thinking up of things to say when I am in the moment.

How can I fix these two problems?

Side Note: I have tried to talk to as many people as I could and force myself out of my shell and force myself to overcome my fear. I just cant force myself enough to approach. Am I hopeless?

yo if u serious about dis then send me a private message ill help u!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

yo if u serious about dis then send me a private message ill help u!

What???!!! You running some secret cult or something? Why not share your knowledge in the forum?

 

[bossdog]

learn to read signals girls send out. when you see that a girl likes you approach. Its gonna take a while for you to get used to interacting with girls though. its totally normal. THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO DO THIS. grab your nuts and just do it.

 

[MyWay]

**** everything...Reawlly, reawd your post...then think how scared you are when you talk to your mother...

It's almost that easy. Anxiety is some frikking stupid thing you made up, for no good reason. Really, just talk to them... If you don't know what to say, just say situational oneliners, or even just hi.... I will garantee you, you won't die...

Funny thing is, you do know the worst thing is that you don't approach...but yet you don't do it... Is that a guy who thinks it? Emotions are taking overhand, and that is girl attitude.

Spoken about womanization of society.

 

[The Acacia Strain]

I have tons of approach anxiety to the point where my body goes into the Fight or Flight mode.

Im scared of girls, Im scared of looking at them let alone trying to say something.

The worst part is that I cant think of anything more interesting to say other than "hi", which could be a good icebreaker but you need to follow up on that.

Im terrible at thinking up of things to say when I am in the moment.

How can I fix these two problems?

Side Note: I have tried to talk to as many people as I could and force myself out of my shell and force myself to overcome my fear. I just cant force myself enough to approach. Am I hopeless?

i had this problem in middle school when i had no friends and everyone hated me for being half insane

get friends, you wont have this problem, i got friends in highschool becuase i changed up my look alot and i got lucky and met some girls and started smoking weed which got me tons of buddys

my advice: get some friends first if you dont have any, get lucky, or smoke weed

 

[reallyfreakinlost]

Girls are humans, just like us. Like Typical told me when I first joined this forum, they eat, deficate, sleep just like we do.

 

[B-Lemond]

Girls are humans, just like us. Like Typical told me when I first joined this forum, they eat, deficate, sleep just like we do.

reallyfreakinlost, you are officially the NEW Troll!

:cheer: :yes:

Welcome, B_I (perhaps)

 

[reallyfreakinlost]

The "new" troll? I've been called a troll many times, and that's because I have a very different perspective. Many times I do cross the line, so I'll admit, yeah, I guess I am a troll. Do I try to annoy everybody? No, I just say really weird shyt.

 

[Distant Light]

I don't know why guys believe that if they force themselves to do something, they'd be able to do it. Of course your body is going to respond negatively if something is forced upon it.

No confidence in the world could get you to approach, this is why you just jump in and do it, its kinda like going to a new school, you don't want to leave all your all friends but its a must, when your actually in there you finnally realize "What was the big deal?"

I don't know how you started to approach but I know that I tried a whole week to build confidence, I had super high confidence but when your actually there your confidence is gone, because now your there. When I just went and approached the approach anxiety was gone after the 2nd approach. Its like trying to build some huge confidence but when your actually there and the mortars are hitting right by you all your confidence that you had in basic training is gone.

He is fixing it by going out there, because if he sits behind his computer trying to fix it he will never fix it because its something that must be done infield. So just go out and do it.

 

[ScrewIt]

It's common for guys to have social anxiety with women, especially with cold appraoches.
But I agree with the other posters and will reiterate some of their points. As i know that dreaded feeling all too well.

Anxiety builds because
a) fear of rejection
b) afraid of humiliation
c) you believe she is the 'one'
d) you're worried of staying something stupid to scare her away

to avoid anxiety:
a) dont take rejection personally, if she's not interested fine, plenty of fish in the sea
b) avoid being self conscious, you put yourself out there and gave it your best, there's no need to wallow in self pity
c) there are billions of people in the world, how hard would it be to find a variety of matches for you?
d) the less you worry about what to say, the less you'll screw up what you're saying. If you arent being natural off the bat, it might be over before you even begin.

Women can smell fear and anxiety, it's a turnoff. Grab your balls and give it your all....use it or lose it.

 

[reallyfreakinlost]

If you just calm yourself down when you approach a chick, you've already won half the battle. I mean, put yourself in the girl's shoes. If some really worried/scared looking guy comes up to you, that would be creepy, wouldn't it?

 

[southside pimp]

What???!!! You running some secret cult or something? Why not share your knowledge in the forum?

lol i would but nobody would listen

 

[INXS]

This may sound gay but DO IT!

Approach a guy you don't know..get a conversation rolling and just try and leave him with the impression that you are cool and suave. Don't stand around. And make them quick. Even if it is just saying something funny, and talking about it for a few minutes. Vibe with them. You should not have approach anxiety about approaching a guy. Right?

Once you get this going enough, you should be at a place where approaching women is nothing.

I learned this from Craig, care of David D's interview series. Good stuff.

 

[Delta]

i have approach anxiety as well...

i think the biggest cause for mine is that i did not know the PROCEDURE OF WHAT IT IS EXACTLY I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO! but regarding this, it's pretty simple and the following is gleaned from education off this very site.

1. approach
2. open
3. GAUGE REACTION
4. develop/continue or EJECT! (good place to put in an artificial time limit "i gotta go soon but..." to let her know you're not gonna cling to her for the rest of the evening/day) if she's interested, SHE WILL THROW YOU LIFE LINES for continuing. if she reacts badly, coldly, with disinterest, YOU EJECT! you're NOT trying to win her over. you're seeing if she's receptive to you. if she is not, you move on. and you will have risked NOTHING.
5. close (get her number)

a few things that are helping me overcome anxiety:

1. you are just PINGING them when you first meet. you're not asking for their hand in marriage. you are simply initiating ANY KIND OF TRIVIAL INTERACTION FOR ONE PURPOSE ONLY: GAUGE HER REACTION!

hopefully, you can talk about something in the environment.

2. they always say ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS. but for the longest time, i had a HECKUVA TIME formulating questions that don't require a yes or no! well, turns out, it's the rules of journalism:
a. WHO
b. WHAT
c. WHERE
d. HOW
e. WHY

begin your question with one of those and it is IMPOSSIBLE to answer with a yes or no.

3. it is JUST CHIT CHAT. you're just starting up a conversation with a stranger... like how you might do so with an old man or something... nice day huh? except there is a possibility of getting laid here.

you're just trying to MEET them.

and if they resist, you really lost very little, if any, face.
----------------------------------------------------------------

i've been thinking about trying the direct approach - usually, on the approach, the awkward thing is TRYING TO JUSTIFY YOUR INCURSION into her world.

with the direct approach, you are telling here straight away.

"listen, i was just doing some shopping but i was really struck by how attractive you are... and i really wanted to meet you. hi, my name is XXXXX."

that is an OVERT PING and you will get your CONTINUE or EJECT message very clearly at that point.

but if you get a go ahead, then you can continue with the procedure after having very decidedly broken the ice.

haven't tried this yet myself but a few have been advocating this and i can envision it working if done correctly.

good luck. i'm right there with you man.

delta