Appreciate any thoughts on ex-girlfriend

[TrueRomance]

Hi guys,

Would mean a lot to me to get some advice on the situation or the best approaches. Appreciate it for any to take the time to read the below.

I had this 5-year long LTR. I dumped her 9 months ago because I felt there were reasons to do so. 9 months later, I still realize that she and I had a perfect relationship. The sex was good, the laughter and smiling all day was good, she was never jealous, let me do whatever I wanted, she's a hobby cook hence great food, she's beautiful (everyone says the same) and she has this peace of mind which is very relaxing and attractive to me. So why did I dump her? I was in a bad place (stress-wise), looked at external reasons to blame and I blamed her. Basically thats it.

I've moved out (we were living together) and it took me a month or three to land on my feet. I do pretty good in the woman department and I've dated nice and interesting woman after. I'm excersing four times a week, I have a great group of friends, I ride motorcycle and I have a well paying and interesting job. My life is in order and I'm at this great confident but ease vibe. I don't need anyone else, nor do I feel lonely or insecure about the future. I'm 31.

Four months ago we ran into each other and had a nice chat. We went out a few days after, did some nice things and had sex. It really hit me how much I missed her, and that even with me feeling all fine I know what I want in life, and that she is in that picture. The thing is that she started dating a guy 4/5 months after our breakup and that they are in a relationship now. She was really upset that she slept with me, she hated herself for it and me for making her this weak (they weren't exclusive at the point, but still). When I told her that I missed he, she told me that she lost her trust in me and that she wasn't able to decide. She misses me, but she's afraid that it wil happen again (and other stuff like that).

So, I decided no contact was best for her and myself to go on. 2.5 months of no contact later I run into her again. We really hit it off. She told me enough to make it clear that her current boyfriend is not satisfying her needs emotionally and that she still misses me and is in strong doubt. She told the exact same things to a friend of my during no contact (+- 1.5 month ago).

After no contact (and sleeping around) I still feel that I made a terrible mistake. However, I'm not stupid, I know that I may have broken her trust for ever. And I know that her first 'no' should've been the answer. Thats why I decided to go no contact. But isn't the fact that I dumped her first and that she nearly cried when telling me she missed me changing things? So, I'm thinking of writing her a letter, explaining where I went wrong, what I would do different and what we as a couple could do better and telling her how much I appreciated other things. I wanted to give her this letter as a way to express my feelings and to ask her to give us another try (calmly).

Sorry for the long message.
The question: What would you guys advice to do next?

 

[Julian]

Its done bro over with. Trust is broken and cannot be replaced. U may win her back over her new guy but it wont last because she will fuk some dude behind your back just like shes fukking you behind his back. Do u really want that?

 

[rjc149]

Why exactly is HER trust in YOU broken when she was messing around behind her new guy's back?

Since you are the dumper, it's up to you to make the effort to get her back if you want her back. I wouldn't do the letter, just make it clear to her that you want to give it another chance. If she says no, or 'I'm not sure' or she's with the new guy, tell her "I respect that, let me know if things change" then go no contact. If you've already done this and made yourself clear, remain in no contact.

The harsh reality, however, is that if she will cheat with you, she will eventually cheat on you. If you rehash your relationship, she will feel underlying resentment for you for dumping her. This, and the fact that you caused her to cheat on her new guy, will unconsciously or consciously result in loss of respect for your relationship. The water is pretty muddy at this point.

Tread carefully.

 

[TrueRomance]

Thank you for both of your thoughts. Gave me some valuable perspective and made me reconsider sending the letter.

I was wondering if that applies to my situation as well. I dumped her, I went on with my life and prove to her and myself that I don't need her or anyone else. I've always been good in being the dominant figure in a relationship, so I'm not afraid that I'll get this role in a possible new relationship as well. Isn't it a bit to generalist to assume that she will cheat on me, just because she slept with her 5-years ex when she wasn't exclusive with the other guy?

@rjc149, her trust being broken in me hadn't anything to do with us sleeping together. She told me this in general when I told her I missed her.

 

[Young OG]

Thank you for both of your thoughts. Gave me some valuable perspective and made me reconsider sending the letter.

I was wondering if that applies to my situation as well. I dumped her, I went on with my life and prove to her and myself that I don't need her or anyone else. I've always been good in being the dominant figure in a relationship, so I'm not afraid that I'll get this role in a possible new relationship as well. Isn't it a bit to generalist to assume that she will cheat on me, just because she slept with her 5-years ex when she wasn't exclusive with the other guy?

@rjc149, her trust being broken in me hadn't anything to do with us sleeping together. She told me this in general when I told her I missed her.

You should have moved on with your life for your own well being. You didn't need to prove anything to her. You have a scarcity mindset right now with the way you are thinking. Maybe you will get that role again, maybe you won't, but thats the chance you need to take. Besides, you should always be trying to be dominant, you are the man after all. Looking at her past, she will definitely cheat on you or any guy. Once a slVt, always a slVt.

 

[rjc149]

Well then what exactly is the source of her trust issues?

Isn't it a bit to generalist to assume that she will cheat on me, just because she slept with her 5-years ex when she wasn't exclusive with the other guy?

Perhaps, but it would depend on a few things. By 'not exclusive' what was the nature of their relationship? Were they just casually dating? Did she consider herself still single? Was she honest with the new guy about what had happened? Or, was she just saying it wasn't exclusive when it was, to save face for actually cheating? If they were in the initial dating/courtship phase with no commitments, just hooking and up and seeing where things went, then no, I wouldn't knock her too hard for still having strong emotional attraction for you and acting on it. But it is a gray area that I would be careful about.