Anyone got a crazy story?

[TimeTraveler]

Hey Guys
I used to look through here when I was incompetent with women or something like 3 years ago. I'd try to find tips on how to meet girls, etc etc. Now I've been around the block a couple of times and I have a pretty different perspective on things, and a few funny experiences as well.
I wonder if anyone else out there on the site has some crazy tales to tell?

I guess that should be the point of this thread haha

 

[TimeTraveler]

I'll throw one in to get it started...
So lately my friends and I have been going out drinking a lot. I always seem to go out with the same people-- like 4 or 5 engineers who are co-workers of my good friend. Recently my friend and I both escaped relationships and we decided that, **** it, we were gonna bang some hot chicks. So for a couple months we've been hooking up with tons of sluts. This is just an average night in the life:

It's saturday night. Halloween is in 5 days. I had a ****ty day. I couldn't find a job, I tore my wetsuit surfing, I did tons of pushups and I had to borrow money from my mom to go out to drink. I also had to borrow money from my friend to drive to the freaking bars. Life is ****ing awesome.

I drive out to the city which is 15 minutes from my house and park my truck at the bank next to the parking structure since my suspension squeaks so much that I'm embarassed to go inside. I pull out my skateboard figuring that skating around the parking structure would be more fun than dealing with the stuck up ***** armada that inhabits my college town. I start noticing some people in costumes walking around. I ride my skateboard past a bunch of evil looking clowns. I had been watching tons of batman lately so clowns kind of pissed me off at this point. I enter the elevator and one of the clowns reaches and stops the door. They stop laughing and take the stairs.
I yell "**** you stupid clowns! you stopped the door." I don't know why they pissed me off so much but they did. I rode the elevator to the top and when I got out the clowns (there were 4 clowns) were entering their vehicle one floor below me. I rode my skateboard down to their level.
One of the clowns pointed at me and said "hurr durr its that skater haha".
I rolled up to their car and smashed their breaklight apart with my skateboard.
The look of shock on their stupid clown faces was priceless as I stared them down and re-entered the elevator.
At this moment my friend called me.

Looks like my truck is fixed...
TO BE CONTINUED!!!

 

[TimeTraveler]

Ok I'm back

So my friend calls me and says he's by the bank where I parked. I ride up. In the back of my mind I'm thinking "i just smashed someone's car. That's probably illegal. what the heck did i do that for?" I decide my friend doesn't really need to know this information. I grab a hard cider from my car (I was drinking on the way into town forgot to mention that) and look for my friend. When I find him he's with this really hot blonde girl that I've seen him make out with before. Unfortunately we both know her as a tease and I know he wants to ditch her.
"what's up man" I say, "Hey Evelyn." (Codename for blonde)
I notice they're both dressed nice. I'm wearing all black and a black trucker hat. Because it's laundry day. I feel slightly villainous. We go to meet up with our other friends.
Here's a break down of our group (I'm gonna use codenames):
Me-- Codename ZED
Adam-- my friend and ex roommate, very athletic engineer
Barry-- Adam's co-worker and Ex-football star, always brings his flirtatious girlfriend downtown;
Cornelius-- Adam's and Barry's coworker, cool guy but the night before he stole my hat and punched him like 10 times. He probably thinks I'm a jerk.
Delila-- Barry's Girlfriend
Evelyn-- That blonde chick who's Delila's friend

Ok these are the people I hang with at night when I'm super drunk. I think they see me as that dude who's always there doing something stupid and hooking up with sluts. They probably think I'm a slut too. FML

Barry and Delila just broke up apparently. I bet Delila that I can make out with more people than she can that night (i didn't really like Barry that much at this point). She immediately starts making out with Evelyn. It's totally cheating but I see this random girl I hooked up with a week ago so I start making out with her. I'm still in the game!

Suddenly she pulls me off her face.
"why don't you ever reply to my texts?" she asks mock angrily.
"well cassandra--"
"It's Cassy!" she cuts me off angrily. I'm in hot water. I think fast.
"well I think i've been texting someone named cassandra thinking it was you."
Her friends laugh but she fixes me with laser death eyes.
"that's the worst line i've ever heard!" she yells
"I've been texting you all this time! I thought you weren't replying to me!" I exclaim. This is quickly becoming a scene but it's too hilarious so I have trouble leaving. As we are talking I stealthily start to shield my nuts. She's one of those girls who won't hesitate to slap a guy. Stupid girls.
Then all of a sudden the real Cassandra shows up.
She walks right up to me and I swear to god she says this:
"Hey ZED. Have you quit being a Man-***** yet?"
luckily I'm in the zone.
I pull the Owen Wilson damage control reflex
"woah woah woah Cassandra whats with all the hostility? I'm just trying to enjoy my night here. Can't we all just get along?'
Luckily Adam noticed that I'm surrounded by angry vehement women so he dives in to rescue me.

"Zed let's go to another bar!" He says. I don't need to be told twice. I bolt.

CONTINUED on NEXT POST

 

[TimeTraveler]

We walk to the next bar. Not much interesting happens at the next bar except that Adam runs into this hottie he likes and they start making out. Meanwhile I start to sober up from being tipsy-- an experience which sucks. Being sober around drunk people sucks, but even worse is failing at getting drunk and then sobering up. It's like being informed your new puppy died while at Magic Mountains. I'm over life at this point. I've been having a lame experience tonight-- Getting picked on by clowns, having girls gang up on me and sobering up. I just want to bang hot chicks? Is that too much to ask?
I walk outside and find Barry. I sit next to him and he tells me about how his life sucks cuz his GF is breaking up with him. He says truly intelligent people are never happy. He says that there's no excitement in his life. I tell him my life is frequently quite exciting. He just needs to play more sports and stuff. But he is inconsolable. I don't really know Barry that well, but I feel like a loser sitting outside talking about problems. I excuse myself and re-enter the bar.

I find Adam (after standing around forever) and tell him that we should go to another bar. He agrees and we travel to the club next door, he brings his hot friend. When we get inside the hot friend tells me I should be nicer to Cassie. She's a great girl blah blah blah. I tell her I'm not interested. Luckily I notice a really cute girl in a straw hat (it's halloween remember), checking me out. I suspect she's this girl I've danced with before.
I begin ignoring my friend's hot friend and start talking to her. I ask the cute girl to dance. She starts grinding on my junk. It's awesome. More awesome than normal. I notice an old flame of mine walk into the room. She sees me on a hotter girl than her. I feel like a boss. The cute girl turns around and starts making out with me. Life is good.
We make out for like 20 minutes. I can tell she wants to go home with me. It's close to the end of the night. I ask Adam if I can bring a girl to his house and he says sure, the couch is fine. I'm like **** the couch. Then Adam remembers his roommate is out of town. His roommate who holds a grudge against me because I lost his dog twice. His roommate who hates me.
This roommate is not going to be using his room. That's right. I think. I've got just enough balls to bang this chick in his roommate's bed. I think back to what Barry was saying earlier. My life has plenty of excitement.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Krueg]

I got a story for you. Back when I was in high school I went over to one my girlfriends house. She said she wasnt feeling good and blah blah blah. I made a sexual comment on how I could make her feel better. (which led to sex) So as we're going at it missionary style.. Something starts to smell like sh!t. I paused for a second and asked if she farted. She said no, I thought you might of farted. I said no I dont think so... Then the smell starts getting worse. I rolled off of her to discover a sh!t stain on the matress!! She ending up sh!tting herself while I was fvcking her!! Guess accidents happen when your sick..

 

[TimeTraveler]

After about an hour of hanging with cute girl's retarded friends and buying her a slice of pizza with money from my mom, I finally convince her that she doesn't need to spend the last night of her trip to the coast with her friends, she needs to spend it with me. She said she's leaving the next day, so I tell her I'll drive her wherever she needs to go in the morning. She agrees and gets into my truck. I ask her what kind of music she likes. she tells me she likes country. I tell her that's too bad because my ipod only has techno. At this point, I figure I'm being pretty nice to her, besides the whole music thing. I've been hanging out with her for a while, we have nothing in common but our hot bodies, but deep down I can tell she wants to bang, regardless of what I do or say.
I take her to my friend's house way out in the country. His roommate is like 35 and has a huge big screen TV, a set of golf clubs, a whole wardrobe and a dog. I tell her it's my room and it's my stuff. She's super impressed. The roommate has been out of town for a couple days already and his bed is all made up. I take a mental picture of it so that I can remake it in the morning, relishing the thought of banging this hottie in his room. I swore to myself I'm going to church the next day to forsake my sins, but tonight I was gonna have some fun. I start making out with the girl on the bed. I finger her a bit and she asks if I have a condom. I go grab one and put it on, but when I try to stick it in her, it won't work. I had fingered her off too much and she wasn't wet enough. I realize that the only way I'll get to **** her is without a condom. I realize the morality here, but then I ask myself: Isn't the point of sex to conceive children? Didn't cavemen **** without condoms? Could I justify this to myself considering I'll never see her again.
I took off the condom and I totally came inside her. She didn't even have birth control. (for the record I've done this many a time, but girls normally have birth control, still no STD's!)
Please don't judge me because it was in the heat of the moment. I laid there for like 10 minutes then I started thinking about what I did. It bounced back in forth in my head for like an hour. I might have got her pregnant.

In the morning I remade the bed and drove her home. I told her I thought the condom might have broken or something so she said she'd get plan B. Honestly though, I don't think she believed me. I don't think she's gonna get any. I dropped her off. I didn't have her number or anything and she lives hours away.

Now I can only think, Do i have an illegitimate child out there? In 9 months is the progeny of my loins going to inherit the earth without me ever knowing him?

I may never know.

 

[TimeTraveler]

I got a story for you. Back when I was in high school I went over to one my girlfriends house. She said she wasnt feeling good and blah blah blah. I made a sexual comment on how I could make her feel better. (which led to sex) So as we're going at it missionary style.. Something starts to smell like sh!t. I paused for a second and asked if she farted. She said no, I thought you might of farted. I said no I dont think so... Then the smell starts getting worse. I rolled off of her to discover a sh!t stain on the matress!! She ending up sh!tting herself while I was fvcking her!! Guess accidents happen when your sick..

Nice!
That's gnarly tho haha

 

[TimeTraveler]

Well I guess no one here has any stories.
It was cool looking at this site again.
Hope you enjoyed mine!

 

[Wolfgang D]

I got a story.

I Came In Outer Space

It was late one dark and stormy night, when I was driving down the country road to the New England mansion of my good friend Professor William Dyer of the Miskatonic University, when suddenly I saw a bright light in the sky. Before my very eyes, a saucer-shaped vessel landed on a field next to the road.

I got out, my trusty Colt in a firm grip, and slowly approached the vessel. A door opened, and out stepped three humanoid shapes dressed entirely in white.

I was astonished. The creatures appeared to be human, and female! All of them dressed in the finest white silk clinging tight to their well-shaped bodies, with jewels in their hair and eyes sparkling like emeralds.

"Greetings, earth man," they said. "We have come to your planet to learn about the thing you call lovemaking. On our home planet, Kaitan, we only procreate through incubators, but we are curious about the ways of our ancestors. Will you teach us, o virile earthling?"

Fain would it be for me to deny a request from such brave space travellers! I followed them back onboard the ship, which was equipped with every luxury you could imagine from a dozen different Pleasure Worlds. Together we embarked on a journey of passion, lust and exploration. It took us a year before we finally returned to earth ... but then I discovered that on earth, only an hour had passed, and I hadn't aged at all!

Standing by my red Corvette, I watched the light disappear in the sky. Had it all been a dream?

Then I felt something in the pocket of my leather jacket, and I brought it out for inspection. There in the palm of my hand was a single, opened condom wrapper made of space silk. On it was printed the text:

"So long, and thanks for all the fvcks!"

 

[Stort_Brød]

so I wasn't the only one Wolfgang... after all this time I knew there had to be others that had this experience

 

[D Wolfgang]

so I wasn't the only one Wolfgang... after all this time I knew there had to be others that had this experience

I will never forget the pastel colors and disco music on Funky Fridays onboard.

 

[TimeTraveler]

I mean realistically I guess this site is for people who haven't had these kind of things happen to them yet, so they kind of glorify the experience of sleeping with women and stuff, but damn I really am bummed no one has got anything.

 

[Wolfgang D]

I mean realistically I guess this site is for people who haven't had these kind of things happen to them yet, so they kind of glorify the experience of sleeping with women and stuff,

Yes, how lucky we are that you are more experienced when it comes to sleeping with women "and stuff". And how quickly you learned about other members, after just ten posts. Surely you have more experience than I do, or married men with children, or men who have been "gaming" for three decades and are still having a good time.

And surely if people don't feel the need to write in your particular thread and read your very long story (could have something to do with that you have only written ten posts, so how do we know you and know that your long story will be worth our time?), that means they are not as experienced as you.

TT, take a look at the forum. There are tons of threads. There's your answer.


Okay okay, skimming through your output a bit:

I go grab one and put it on, but when I try to stick it in her, it won't work. I had fingered her off too much and she wasn't wet enough. I realize that the only way I'll get to **** her is without a condom. I realize the morality here, but then I ask myself: Isn't the point of sex to conceive children? Didn't cavemen **** without condoms? Could I justify this to myself considering I'll never see her again.
I took off the condom and I totally came inside her. She didn't even have birth control. (for the record I've done this many a time, but girls normally have birth control, still no STD's!)
Please don't judge me because it was in the heat of the moment.

For you this is a big deal, that you lead up to with about 2,000 words. For most of us it's Thursday.

Now I can only think, Do i have an illegitimate child out there? In 9 months is the progeny of my loins going to inherit the earth without me ever knowing him?

You mean ... "fruit of my loins". O superior writer.

Moral of the story, don't assume too much, be humble, read what others have written before you start writing yourself, when you come to a new forum. How I wish this advice would be followed by every kid on the internet.

 

[TimeTraveler]

Wolfgang D
You make some good points, but I feel I must defend myself. The point of the story wasn't that I banged some random chick. It was just a random true story. Apparently the only thing that catches your eye are a few grammatical mistakes (its the internet durr) and the part where I have sex (and not the part with the clowns which was way cooler). This shows me a lot of things, but mostly that you're no fun at parties.

 

[TimeTraveler]

Wolfgang D
I took your advice and looked at some other posts. Some notable subjects that caught my eye today included threads titled "is smiling important?", "stand up for yourself!" and "why do women get mad when asked out in everyday situations?"
I guess after seeing these I generalized the site, but obviously this is a site for inexperienced people. Experienced people here have no business here (unless they just got sick, like me/feel the need to argue with complete strangers on the internet).
But yeah man, stick up for yourself. Show me how I'm wrong. Don't forget to smile!

 

[Stort_Brød]

you're no fun at parties.

I bet that's not what the girls say about him haha

 

[TimeTraveler]

Hey Wolfgang
You're probably right.
I was just proud of that little story. I thought it was pretty funny to read.
Have a good one.

 

[MM92]

Well that story went on forever. Such an anti-climax too. I may have two that probably aren't much better, but they're definitely shorter. These both happened when I was 16-17.

First one - I had been speaking to this girl online and we arranged to meet. She said she was bringing a friend so I brought my best mate along too. We got some cheap bottles of cider and sat in a field. Things were going well and me and the girl ended up flirting and getting very close when it started to rain so we decide to get the best shelter we could on the park. We carried on kissing and things were getting heated. Then I noticed my friend and her friend move off to the other side of the park. Things escelate between us and we end up having sex. Well for about 30 seconds as I struggled to get it hard with it being so cold and raining pretty heavily, although the cider probably never helped. We finally start going at it for a short time when we heard loud laughter from some bushes close by. I assumed it was my friend so I stopped. Then a voice I didn't recognise shouted "stop shagging" and it freaked me the **** out as it was dark by this time. I pulled up my trousers and just left to find my mate lol. It turned out my mate shagged her mate too and he must have finished within 2 minutes. This gave him the nickname "captain cumquick" for ages.

Story two - I was at a party, I had a free house and the same mate was staying at mine after the party. A girl at the party was showing me blatant IOI's and at the end of the night I asked if she wanted to come back to mine to carry on the party. Game on! Anyway my friend lays down on my sofa and we quickly go upstairs. We get down to action for a few minutes when my mate thought it would be funny to barge in and try record us. My initial reaction was tell him to **** off. Followed by "you might as well join in", said sarcastically. Everything just went quiet and the next thing I know we were spitroasting her. Then we all just fell asleep drunk. I ended up shagging her in the morning too and she gave me chlamydia. Probably not surprising when she's willing to have two guys at once.

 

[Groverz]

Not really too crazy but crazy for me I guess. Friend from work came over the other night, I guess she has always had a thing for me, and she knows I am still messed up from my breakup, had a few drinks and freak mode came out. She straight up attacked me, we banged a few times, I finished twice in a hour which was a big surprise for me. She was LOUD as ****, and babbling, was a bit freaky I kept trying to put my hand on her mouth I assume my roommates heard, but they are all gay so they prolly don't care. We even chatted about my ex a bit in between and she said what a great guy I was and how dumb she was for leaving me. Was fun either way, good ego boost for a bit.