Anyone advice me

[Thinking101]

I am squarely in the @Atom Smasher camp here. You only can give yourself in this way one time. You will never forget the experience, good, bad or indifferent. Do not allow pressure outside of your own readiness determine when you decide to give this gift. I teach my girls that the gift of their virginity is something precious and that they should only give it to a man they love, and a man who sees the value of chastity. Many men do not care about your chastity. A man who values you will not pressure you, rather you will either come to the decision organically or overtly.

If you come to it organically then your relationship will simply develop to a place where sexual expression is the next natural step.

If you come to it overtly then you and your partner will openly discuss values and when to have sex, and under what circumstances.

I know a deeply religious couple who were engaged for 2 years before marriage, and they made the decision to wait until the wedding night. They were BOTH virgins. Think about how they had 2 years to anticipate sexual union. They are very happily married now nearly 20 years. They are and remain completely pure for each other. This is so extremely rare in today's world that is an oddity, but it is out there.

Value yourself. What @Desdinova says is also true, and your situation is instructive to some of the men here. You'll get over this young man. There are men here and elsewhere who appreciate a woman like you. Many women are already approaching double digits at your age sadly, and with all the inherent risks, both physical and psychological that go with that risk.

Do you think I'm wrong for waiting ? I feel like I'm connected to him but I know I'll regret it if I go through with it. More importantly will I ever be able to find such a connection with anyone else and will this haunt me for the rest of my life ? I keep getting emotional each time I remember him or think of him, it sounds silly but just holding his hand and hearing his voice made me feel so happy, I miss him so much

 

[Thinking101]

I'm not really much on the whole "beta" and "alpha" stereotypes either, but it's the only way I felt I could really get my point across. I've always seen the difference between "beta" and "alpha" as being where their priorities lay. The "beta" will do whatever he can to get pvssy whereas the "alpha" will do whatever benefits him. Women rarely benefit men, so an "alpha" wouldn't place his priorities on getting pvssy.

Do you have a better way to discern these two types of men? I'd love to hear it.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. I wasn't able to reply to your other reply. Honestly really hit home but it does make a bit more sense to me. Only thing is I can't help but miss him, hope there is the one out there, I thought I met him. I mean this sounds silly but I wrote him a letter after the first time I saw him, I wanted to hand it to him a year from then. I still can't help but think so highly of him, guess he was right just not for me I suppose...

 

[Thinking101]

Lol, wrong forum sweetie!!!
You have to decide how you feel and what you want, then do that.
There are rally no mistakes in life, just lessons.

Good luck!

That's a nice outlook to have in general. Everything is a learning curve I guess just hope it gets easier

 

[BetterCallSaul]

By previous heartbreaks I don't mean anything to this scale. I'm referring to my ex of a year he was my first heartbreak I met him in school, we were friends more than anything and I wasn't what he was looking for at the time. Hence why I felt so betrayed. He stole my first kiss, and I honestly believed at the time I had strong feelings for him somewhat confused with "love". I was 18 and I stayed clear of all male attention although I wasn't fond of disrespect, major put off.

I've never cried over a guy to this extent and I've never ached just to know someone. I miss him so much it's all I think about. I'm completely comfortable with myself and far from needy, he pursued me and I just really look an interest into the person he was. I mean if I started to pick at everything physically, I'm quite tall and skinny, he was just about an inch shorter than me, he wasn't my "ideal" fantasy guy. He would stutter and has the most adorable lisp. He said he was nervous around me that's why it kept happening a lot around me. I found it so cute.

He was literally everything I adored in a man, he was respectful and such a kind soul, like not only towards me towards everyone. That's what made me fall for him so quick. We spoke about the future and he told me he wanted to marry me and share my life with him. I know you might think too soon and I should have known "all guys want sex" business but he seemed different. Like honestly the way he considered me in decisions just shows how genuine he was. He wanted to settle down after I finish uni and he owned the restaurant. We both wanted to buy a house together. I mean at first he said he was going to buy it but I didn't see that as fair, seeing as I want to be a working woman and I value having a career, wouldn't be right.

He was ok with my views on sex and he told me he respected that, he was honest I had no reason to doubt him. At first we made out, he started getting touchy and I stopped and made it clear I wasn't ready and it didn't feel right at all. He didn't react out of character because he asked me well before if I was a virgin and I said I am, and I want to wait until I fell in love. He said he liked my approach and didn't mention it. After a few times of seeing each other, we spoke about the whole sex thing and he didn't not once mention it was important to him, in fact he referred to me as his girlfriend and I'm not going to lie it was the best feeling ever. When I got comfortable with him, he kept asking and asking and asking just to try and get a little closer and how it would make him happy and by him satisfying me he would also become satisfied. He did ask if I could return the favour but I wasn't comfortable with it, I only allowed him to compromise and make him happy. He was fine with it, I didn't touch him either he didn't initiate that either. He only went down on me the once and that's when he tried to put his finger inside.

He asked if he could and I said no, but he did anyway, he got angry and this is when I realised I wasn't making him happy. Even though we didn't speak of what had happened that night after getting to the hotel, I felt so horrible inside, like I couldn't help him. I wasn't ready for sex and if being with me was causing such distress I thought it would be best if he found someone else. This is when I realised sex was important to him and I was causing him to be unhappy, it felt wrong so I let him go. Trouble is I miss him so much, and I don't think I'll ever meet anyone I have a connection with like that again. Which is what brought me to this forum, I thought I'd seek advice because I'm meant to be "getting over him" and I think I've exhausted this situation with my friends.

They say he was just chasing my pants and when he didn't get it he left, he known what he was getting into because I didn't hide it and it was clear. He was honest with how he felt, but I'm struggling to see it like that I honestly think I love him but I can't handle making him go through that again. Do you think this will ever get better, like I cry each time I remember him. I'm scared I

Understand we've had plenty of "women" come on here with some type of story and they are either trolling or just out to try and shake us up because they believe in feminism to some degree.

Anyway, my take on this is you both suck at communication. You're both young though and seem inexperienced. A lot of people think that things like what you describe will simply "work their way out" on their own if given enough time. No, you prioritize, what appears to be, certain acts of kindness or what words are said to you. He prioritizes physical affection; I'm actually the same way. He said he was ok with your views on sex and holding off for a while - he was not. He can't clearly communicate what is important to him. You allowed him some level of physical intimacy but not everything he values and continue to allow him to be in some type of a relationship with you because you are "in love" with the idea of being in a relationship. You cannot clearly communicate that you love this idea rather than the person.

You claim you love him? I honestly don't think you know what love is. I, along with just a couple other men on this board, am married for 10 years now and love is something you allow yourself to feel because you are taking the burdens of another person's life as your own. Love is not the fairy tale romance crap you see constantly in movies. Have you ever watched some movie where they performed some kind of crazy stunt with a car, like jumping over a building or falling off some high place to land just right? We all know it's fake and setup, yet so many people can't make that same deduction when they watch these romance movies targeting women that set the stage for their fairytale of sweeping a woman off her feet at just the right place and right time with the right guy and everything just magically comes together. And so many women today think that that is what love in real life is supposed to be.

Don't delude yourself.

I honestly don't think this guy loves you and like I said earlier, I don't think you love him. You love the idea of being in love with him. If you truly loved him, you would submit yourself to him to make him happy and help him succeed in whatever his goals are. You'd share in whatever pains he has in life and try to help him overcome them. I'm not placing all of the blame on you though, this guy has plenty of blame to share too. He exhibits certain beta qualities, can't adequately communicate what is a priority for him when seeing a woman, thus he also can't articulate what goals he has for the future. It's sort of nice in a way that he plans on taking over the family restaurant; does he have any idea how difficult it is to succeed in that industry today? Does he understand what sort of cash flow he needs to make a decent living not just for himself but for a woman in his life and possibly a family one day? Does he understand how to adapt to changing tastes of customers and how to market to them properly? Hell these are all basic questions; has he educated himself properly in order to succeed?

I don't see it working out.

 

[Thinking101]

Understand we've had plenty of "women" come on here with some type of story and they are either trolling or just out to try and shake us up because they believe in feminism to some degree.

Anyway, my take on this is you both suck at communication. You're both young though and seem inexperienced. A lot of people think that things like what you describe will simply "work their way out" on their own if given enough time. No, you prioritize, what appears to be, certain acts of kindness or what words are said to you. He prioritizes physical affection; I'm actually the same way. He said he was ok with your views on sex and holding off for a while - he was not. He can't clearly communicate what is important to him. You allowed him some level of physical intimacy but not everything he values and continue to allow him to be in some type of a relationship with you because you are "in love" with the idea of being in a relationship. You cannot clearly communicate that you love this idea rather than the person.

You claim you love him? I honestly don't think you know what love is. I, along with just a couple other men on this board, am married for 10 years now and love is something you allow yourself to feel because you are taking the burdens of another person's life as your own. Love is not the fairy tale romance crap you see constantly in movies. Have you ever watched some movie where they performed some kind of crazy stunt with a car, like jumping over a building or falling off some high place to land just right? We all know it's fake and setup, yet so many people can't make that same deduction when they watch these romance movies targeting women that set the stage for their fairytale of sweeping a woman off her feet at just the right place and right time with the right guy and everything just magically comes together. And so many women today think that that is what love in real life is supposed to be.

Don't delude yourself.

I honestly don't think this guy loves you and like I said earlier, I don't think you love him. You love the idea of being in love with him. If you truly loved him, you would submit yourself to him to make him happy and help him succeed in whatever his goals are. You'd share in whatever pains he has in life and try to help him overcome them. I'm not placing all of the blame on you though, this guy has plenty of blame to share too. He exhibits certain beta qualities, can't adequately communicate what is a priority for him when seeing a woman, thus he also can't articulate what goals he has for the future. It's sort of nice in a way that he plans on taking over the family restaurant; does he have any idea how difficult it is to succeed in that industry today? Does he understand what sort of cash flow he needs to make a decent living not just for himself but for a woman in his life and possibly a family one day? Does he understand how to adapt to changing tastes of customers and how to market to them properly? Hell these are all basic questions; has he educated himself properly in order to succeed?

I don't see it working out.

It wasn't about the fairytale, I didn't care about the fancy stuff nor did I seek it. I've come across people with similar traits to him but I guess he just stood out. I value the person's traits, how they are with their family, outlook on life and the feeling I get when around them. That's why I haven't had many relationships, I'm waiting for the right guy for me. I see it this way, when things don't go to plan or either one of us is angry the only thing which will show through is their traits. The things I value will last a lifetime, although people do change but a good soul is a good soul.

I haven't known him that long but I would have taken all of his burdens as my own. I understand where your coming from I guess it seems like my feeling weren't genuine because I wouldn't put out. I just felt pressure like it was all on me and didn't seem like it would pass with time. Guess you're right, it won't fix itself, he wants sex and I don't want it like that.

Yeah he is educated in the industry, he studied business and finance at uni. I myself am studying mathematical physics, I haven't quite figured out what I want to do. I just went for it because I really like physics and thought I couldn't do much with supporting it with something stable, like maths. I graduate this summer. He has been working in the family businesses for his whole life. He knows how much money he has to make to keep the business running, how much more he needs to make to think about improvements and how much he needs to sustain himself and his future wife. From what I gathered he was really driven in that sense. He was really committed to it, he makes a decent amount now but his goal was to get the one his working for now and then possible by shares into other businesses. I guess we didn't see in the whole money thing the same, he has to work hard to earn a living and I was born into it. Nevertheless, after maturing I am independent I work for my living and sustain myself. I want to work for a living but I don't value money the same way, but who doesn't want financial freedom. He had it all figured out. He was so motivated and set on making it work, I know someday he'll find the woman right for him. I wish it could have been me but nevertheless as long as he's happy I guess some good came from this. I can't help but wait for it all to work out, I know it's wrong.

 

[ubercat]

Hmm @Fruitbat I'll be a little bit careful about getting into psychology too much. most pyschs I've known and in some cases dated have been bat**** crazy. the spectrums you were talking about are for diagnosing personality disorders. in other words they only predict people's behaviour at the extremes. from astrology through Myers Briggs people have been trying to categorise behaviour for a long time. I haven't seen any studies that have proven these systems can accurately predict behaviour.

 

[ubercat]

Hmm @Fruitbat I'll be a little bit careful about getting into psychology too much. most pyschs I've known and in some cases dated have been bat**** crazy. the spectrums you were talking about are for diagnosing personality disorders. in other words they only predict people's behaviour at the extremes. from astrology through Myers Briggs people have been trying to categorise behaviour for a long time. I haven't seen any studies that have proven these systems can accurately predict behaviour.