Any other widowers here?

[GuitarPlayer]

My wife passed away back in August. November 2nd would have been our 9th wedding anniversary. I'm left to raise our two little boys alone and I'm holding it together, but I would love to have a discussion with any other widowers on here.

A lot of things are going through my head right now. The holidays were very rough, needless to say. If any of you have gone through this, maybe you can help me.

How long was it before you allowed another woman into your life? Not only from an emotional standpoint, but what about the "social" issues? How long before it's acceptable to be with someone else? My former inlaws are very much my family and we've actually had this conversation.

What bearing did your children (if applicable) have in this regard? Clearly, if I meet a woman who cares for me but doesn't like my boys or mistreats them, I'll direct her to the nearest highway.

How long before you internally allowed yourself to move on?

 

[Muppet]

It would all depend on the person. Some can deal with it easyer and move on, others can't

Either way it won't be easy for anyone.

 

[jlr12584]

Hi there,
I myself have never been married. I can't claim to know the pain you are going through to be honest. But I know what it is like to lose a girl you really love. There is no set time you have to allow for internal healing. When you feel ready to move on, then do so. Until then, be fair to yourself and your future mate by giving yourself time to heal and become a stronger person. Your next relationship will be that much better for it, i promise. Do not mistake loneliness for readiness either though. Think about whether or not you can feel like you can love another woman without always being reminded of your former wife. I know it is hard, and perhaps that means you still arent ready. But someday you may be able to move on. For now, just remember the good times you did have together and that God loves you and He will bring you happiness if you let Him.

 

[Desdinova]

For now, just remember the good times you did have together and that God loves you and He will bring you happiness if you let Him.

In the future, please refrain from using any form of religious discussion in your posts, as it is not widely accepted on the forum.

 

[Bible_Belt]

"widely accepted?" wtf?

 

[MacAvoy]

Originally posted by Bible_Belt
"widely accepted?" wtf?

Thats the entire point of his post, so we can stay focussed on the issue instead of discussing religion, which is hijacking this thread.

 

[bauer_23]

I have some indirect experience with this since my mom was widowed when i was younger. It took her a while to get over these things, and get life back into control before she met someone else. I am thinking it was about 3 years, but again its all a metter of preference. I was 17 when my father died, so they were married far longer, 20+ years and were older. you still have your life, and most of yours kid's life to continue.

sorry to hear about your loss. I have seen that anyone with persistance and patience will do just fine down the road. Good luck with everything.

 

[Desdinova]

Move on right away, the thing is she's DEAD, she's not coming back, you're still alive

I think a grieving period would be appropriate.

1) Assuming natural causes, the guy would have been there to support her all the way up to her death. This is when the couple will bond the most, spend lots of time together and cherish each moment that she's still alive. Then, one day, that close bond is suddenly cut off. That's one hell of a blow to take, and a huge gap left in your life.

2) Assuming an accident, it's the same as when that close bond is cut off. However, it is completely unprepared, and no final words are said. It's a huge shock when a person is suddenly removed from your home.

Now, try and sleep in the same bed and pack up all her personal belongings without falling apart.

Remember, this is not a breakup we're talking about. There's no hard feelings left behind, you don't get revenge by living well, and you're the last person she will ever be with. Anybody in this situation DOES have the right to grieve, but should eventually try and move on with their life.

 

[Colossus]

Re: Re: Any other widowers here?

Originally posted by SonOfTheMostHigh
Move on right away, the thing is she's DEAD, she's not coming back, you're still alive. If she really cared about you then she'd want you to have a woman who is a source of strength and happyness in your life because when you're happy your vibe spreads to those around you in your life (your kids, etc) you're not getting any younger! Think of it as wasted time.

Just remember if anyone gives you any ****, or your kids or anyone, tell them you can't live in the past, you have to live for the future, and tell them "I believe if she was still alive she'd say the same thing", that should shut them the hell up. The thing is theres enough people staring at the past making themselves depressed, tell others you dont want to be one of them.

Anyone who would diss you for moving on quickly is just uncaring, you can't bring her back and you're not getting any younger. So don't waste any time, the past is the past. Move forward, don't stare at the past and let it bring you down.

As for the kids, if they give you any crap, tell them the same thing, no one can ever replace their mom, but she's gone, she's in the past, and the kids and you both have to live for the future, trying to live in the past is harmful, you have to remember that YOU are the mature one and your happyness is critical aspect of maintaining and being able to cope with other problems in your life, kids do not always get this so you have to be a man and suck it up, it's worth it in the long run.

Shut up.

That is the most insensitive and unempathetic post Ive ever read. I dont think "Don Juan" principles apply to a guy who lost his wife. He is a WIDOWER, not a divorcee.

You have obviously never lost anyone that close to you, hence your lack of tact in writing this post.

How about you be married to a woman for almost ten years, raise children together, then your wife dies, and some pr!ck tells you to "suck it up."

While living in the past is of course unhealthy, people must grieve. Give the guy some time. It may take months, or years. But encouraging him to move on quickly, being you dont even know him, is not going to help him have a natural grieving period.

 

[jlr12584]

i believe that religion does play a part in this. im sorry if not everyone agrees, but it is important to have some source of hope and something to believe in to keep urself getting out of bed every morning. if you dont have hope, you got nothing left to live for.

 

[GuitarPlayer]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I don't mind religion being brought into this, since I consider myself to be a very spiritual person.

As for the details, she had non-Hodgkins lymphoma (cancer of the lymph glands). She was supposed to get three chemo treatments. She got one. We were told that the chemo was clearly going to knock the cancer out. BUT... since chemo destroys the white blood cells, she went into multi-organ breakdown. I had just gotten in from work on a Tuesday afternoon and was waiting to go to the next visiting hour when the hospital called and said that I needed to come over right away because her condition had worsened. Long story short, she died Thursday night at 9:30.

She had been diagnosed with lymphoma back in March but all of the tests kept coming back negative. Lymphoma was finally confirmed in early July.

We had our differences and we fought sometimes, like all married couples do. However, it will be a LONG time before anyone else can fill her shoes. This fact gets driven home to me every day by the women around me.

 

[Desdinova]

Sorry to hear about that.

However, it will be a LONG time before anyone else can fill her shoes. This fact gets driven home to me every day by the women around me.

Perhaps you shouldn't try looking for someone to "fill her shoes". No human being is replaceable by an exact clone. Instead, why not try looking for women to just have a good time with?

 

[penkitten]

you should im sir chancealot, he is a widower and raises his son on his own and does very well.

i think you should just live each day as it comes. you know more than anyone else how you feel inside and only you will know when you are ready to move on, and even after that only you will know when you fall in love again.

ever watch full house? it took danny tanner's character a long time to find someone he wanted to really be with, and his character's children were more accepting for him to move on way before he did. he pulled in help from family and friends to get things done and to have emotional support.
it was a really good show about family.
danny's character got all into cleaning as a way to deal with his pain. i know it sounds cheesy but it got his mind off his wife.

 

[GuitarPlayer]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I hate to see you folks argue over this. Everyone has their own opinions and I respect them all, whether I agree or not.

This is a bit of a complex matter. There is a woman I'm interested in (one-itis, whatever ), but..... I honestly don't know if I'm ready to make a move on anyone yet. Plus, is she freaked out by what I've recently been through? And to put this quite bluntly, I don't need a risk of rejection right now if she turns me down. Not much of a DJ, huh? Whatever.

 

[GuitarPlayer]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Any other widowers here?

Originally posted by SonOfTheMostHigh
.... I'm telling him to move on, and any woman who loved him worth her salt would say the same thing.

I totally agree. Believe it or not, I've actually had this conversation with my former inlaws (her parents), and they also agree that she wouldn't expect me to be alone for the rest of my life. Plus, my boys don't need a dad who is in permanent "funeral mode."

 

[lighthouse1956]

Well, I 'm a recent widower ( 5 months now). Married 27 years, but still feel young at 51. I joined this forum to help me start dating again. The single women I've known while married tell me it's too soon, I've quite a few since my wife died, but have not any that are non-smokers.

I spend alot of time with a lady from church, and she was a friend to both of us, and though we go out to dinner and other activities, she doesn't want it go further, and when she told me that, it made me grieve my wife all over again.

 

[Latinoman]

i believe that religion does play a part in this. im sorry if not everyone agrees, but it is important to have some source of hope and something to believe in to keep urself getting out of bed every morning. if you dont have hope, you got nothing left to live for.

Well, I'm sure his children are the source of his hope and will keep him getting out of bed every morning.

 

[Latinoman]

lighthouse1956:
No woman should tell you that it is too soon to date others. It is your life...it is your business. Now...if you are grieving for several years, then I understand telling you that you need to move on...but telling you it is too soon after 5 months? What the heck do they know?

The woman that knew both of you...put it this way...I would not date a woman that her husband was my buddy and he died. Some people can do it...others can't. Especially if all of you belonged to the same church.

I think in your case (you obviously want to meet others) the internet might not be a bad place to start. At least to build some confidence and considering that you care a lot about the opion of other women (that knew your wife). But...I will recommend you another thing: take some dance lessons.
In essence, ANYTHING that put you in the position to meet single women other than the ones that knew yor wife. Expand your circle more. That's the point I'm trying to make.

The above was ONLY for the 51 year of poster.

Guitarplayer: I don't know what to advice you...other than avoiding "oneitis" as you are not in an emotional state of mind to deal with a heartbreak. Some dancing lessons for you too. At 39, you are still very young and literally starting your second life. But avoid oneitis. Losing wife few months ago is extremely tough...but there is no need to allow others to bring guilt for dating other women. And you should no seek permission from others to do so. That said, be sensitive about your kids (eg. Might consider wait a litter before introducing these new women you are going to meet to the kids - now that should not stop you from dating women-).

DJism does no apply when it comes to grieving. But it certainly apply when it comes to meeting other women. No oneitis.

 

[lighthouse1956]

thanks Latinoman,

I'm getting better, women I know are starting to ask what am I going to do with the rest of my life, and I tell them I'm grtting to know myself a little better. For awhile 910 years) I was my wife caretaker.

 

[Latinoman]

You don't want women to feel sorry for you. When meeting new women say nothing until the topic comes...maybe she is divorced...your wife died (after being married for "x" years).

But don't go on talking over and over about her. Focus more on the woman in front of you. That's why I say meet women that did not know her.