any divorced guys here?

[chopper1911]

Im sure there are and there is probably another thread for this. If you are divorced do you remember a specific point when you realized things were not going to work? if ya want ill spill my guts and re afc'd myself by the way gixxer getting another hayabusa !

 

[chopper1911]

Ok I guess some background would help. I posted here when I 1st got married back in April. It was rocky at first but I thought It would get better. Rocky becuase of her mood swings and the need to control everything around the house. I dont mind deciding how to decorate but my stuff is pretty meaningless to her it seems. Most of our fights have been about the house what I can and cant do in it( which I own before we ever got married and she doesnt pay any of the mortgage or repairs etc.) Recently she had a death in her side of the family, an unlce to be exact. I could not attend due to a hurricane sitting of the coast of nc where I live and having to make sure my mom who is 82 serious heart probs and diabetes could be evac'd if necessaryand my pop in nursing home around the corner. So I did not make the funeral. I did enjoy having the house back to myself for the two weeks she was gone. Go head and call me an AFC becuase thats what I have become and the road back is a long one. Anyways when she returned from her home she confronted my mom without me present and was verbally abusive and basically blames her for me not going even when I made the decision. I havent told her that I know they had this conversation but I plan on it this weekend.
More details needed just let me know

 

[soverign]

I was married. We fought a little bit when I first moved in with her, but not much later in our relationship. During the end we drifted apart. Our interest didn't overlap at all and she fvcked an exbf. That's when I knew it was over. I used to blame her, but now I know that I am to blame. I was a weak AFC, I gave in when I should have stood my ground. I did not act enough like a real man to keep her.

As far as your problem. It sounds like she thought that once you were married she would be able to control you, or change you. Was she very controling before you got married? If it were me I would stand my ground and lay down the law. Tell her what she can and can not do. You do not have to control every moment of her life, but she has to know that you are in charge. That you are a real man.

Soverign

 

[jalex73]

Well when I was married my wife decided that she needed to be more PRIZED and like a total chump I felt that since her requests were not unto death that I would accomodate her. Big mistake and i mean HUGE. She wants me to open her door to the car whenever I am driving somewhere with her. I dont mean the occassional special occasion-go out for a night on the town type deal. I mean if I went shopping at Safeway and brought her along she would insist that I open her door going in and going out. During the last couple of years she was into this whole "gentleman' thing "I gentleman should open the door for his "special" woman. And Like a typical AFC I said "OK"

Wait: theres more. Then she decides well since she's getting the gentlemen treatment from me then it should apply to her daughter (my stepdaughter at the time) as well. So guess what? I did it! It stopped when I said that's it, no more but by then the damage was done . My respect for myself had gone down. Although I am new here, I like the fact that I have already opened my eyes to what I've been doing wrong. I feel like pook and that guy anti-dump nailed it for me in the DJ bible.

Hello my name is Jalex73 and I am a recovering AFC :cheer:

 

[QuanJuan]

12 steps

Hi Jalex73,
I’m glad you’ve admitted being AFC, but that is only the first step…, here are the rest =)

1. We admitted we were powerless over women - that our love lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Pook could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of SoSuave as it is written.

4. Made a searching and fearless boot camp effort.

5. Admitted to this message board and to ourselves the exact nature of our AFC’ness.

6. Were entirely ready to allow DJ’ism to destroy all these defects of character.

7. ****ily sarged to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all the women we have numbers for, and became willing to pork them all.

9. Porked these women wherever possible, except when to do so would risk VD.

10. Continued to work on our DJ skills and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through reading and field work to improve our confidence around women, seeking only for knowledge of how to get into their pants.

12. Having had a sexual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to AFC’s and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

[BigDawg]

Yep, I'm divorced, too. Like most guys, it was good for a while, then it turned to crap.

In my case, she was horribly immature, although she did a good job blinding me to that, but I since I was smitten with her, I also blinded myself to her shortcomings, until it was too late. She always had to be right about everything, even if she had no idea what she was talking about. Plus, she came from a broken family (her father abandoned the family when she was 5, and her mother is an evil hag). So, she was really rebellious. In addition to having to be right about everything, I had to enthusiastically accept everything she did. It wasn't enough to just agree with her; I practically had to jump for joy. If not, then she would hold a grudge for days. Once, she got mad at me simply because I had woken up that morning.

Nevertheless, I saw all these signs, but I tried to be tolerant. Granted, I was no angel, and in retrospect, I was a complete AFC, but I wanted to make it work. She was the one who wanted the split, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew I had to let go, although I tried to hang on.

A few weeks before she told me she wanted the split (this is about 7 years ago), I had a sense that things were in trouble. So, when she told me, I wasn't surprised, but I was shocked, if that makes any sense. Something in the back of my mind told me that no amount of counseling or tolerance was going to save this marriage. So, we split after two years of marriage, and the divorce was final 18 months after that.

 

[chopper1911]

Yeah she was pretty controlling before marriage Sovreign. Wasnt as noticeable btu I was missing the signs they were there. Man I cant believe I went AFC so fast though. Maintaining DJ status even with wifey is a constant undertaking and shouldnt be taken lightly. TRUST ME I have more afc stories when you guys are ready I need to get em out.

 

[chopper1911]

Recovering here too Jalex thanks for the 12 steps!

 

[Aaron B]

Been there, done that, not doing it again

 

[NewMan]

So the question is, what are you now going to do about it?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Married 7 years.
She gained 80 pounds.
The first time she cheated, it was eerily similar to the OP. She flew home to her Father's funeral alone. He was old and sick, it was no tragedy, she never asked me to come and we only had enough money for one ticket. Years later, she said she felt justified in cheating because I had abandoned her in her time of need. She cheated on me at least 5-6 times with ads on the Internet, while we were living apart so she could finish school.
I paid her $3000 bill for her tuition and wrote one of her grad school psychology papers every week, while at the same time she was meeting men off the net to screw. And she got her Green Card by marrying me. After I eventually caught her cheating, she said that she was not attracted to me anymore - never mind that I am in great shape, while she is clinically obese. At least #1 we never had kids and #2 I never got her Herpes (thank you God).

 

[insidious]

I got married for all the wrong reasons. Having a child is not a reason, note to everyone who might think otherwise.

Marriage is nothing to be trifled with. It's not something that maybe can be "smoothed" over in future, that will grow on your over time. You want it or you don't. Don't think it will suddenly fall into place like a gift from heaven. That is complete B******t.

Marriage is boring hard work and it can survive owing to incredible amounts of love and devotion. If you don't posses those gifts, DON'T GET MARRIED.

If you want to treat marriage as a hobby, as a pasttime, stop. The word committment is full of meaning...don't begin to try learning about it before you begin a so-called pathetic attempt of living out the ideal.

Most of all, please do not get married if you feel that any part of you, however small, will not be happy with your future wife. She is IT dudes, don't go f****g up on her, don't cheat. I did that and it's the worst. You drag EVERYONE into that crap. Your wife, your lover, your kids, your parents, etc. It's no fair to anyone, least of all yourself.

Don't do as I did.

 

[chopper1911]

I plan on addressing all the issues this weekend work is kickin my azzz this week and I work on the farm weekends so even if she pisses me off I can work it off. Insidious and Bible thanks for the posts they were very informative. Insidious do you want to tell any of your story sounds interesting and sounds like you learned ALOT

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Been married 9 years now. The wife is still hot as hell at 41 (yes, older than me) and keeps herself so because she knows it's what I expect. I've never cheated on her nor she on me. We have a beautiful and mentally gifted 7 y.o. daughter who is happy and healthy in every way and we give her every opportunity to experience as much as we can afford to do so. We have one child by choice. I have what most people would consider an idyllic marriage - my only complaint would be that our sex life is shadow of what it used to be, but what guy gets more sex after marriage?

We have a successful marriage because we know our roles. From the time we were dating, my wife expected me to drive the car (even hers) and expected me to be the man. It took a while to get used to this because up until that point I was a complete AFC from a prior LTR and bought the whole "guys should be passive, sensitive, feminine,.." line of horsesh!t. Here I had a woman that needed a man. You have to set this limit from the begining and hammer home the fact that you will not compromise your identity for her in any way. That's not to say to be uncompromising in everything, but certainly so when it comes to your masculine identity. No woman's pvssy is worth progressively knuckling under for time and again until you become what she thinks she wants you to be and you progressively think is in your best interests to be.

Marriage is one life long sh!ttest and you MUST pass it every time she presents it. Married women implicitly know that their sexuality is their only agency to get a man to comply with her. It's the guy that says "No, I will not be controlled by your vagina" who will be not only a great DJ, but a great husband as well. My wife knows to consult me before she makes any purchase of more than $150 and at times I will deny her some things she thinks she wants, not to be an A-Hole, but to remind her that I am the decider. She is the CFO of our marriage and I am the CEO. This isn't domineering or macho-bvllsh!t-chauvinism it's making decsions for my family and myself. The minute she has any rudimentary understanding that you'll compromise your decisiveness in trade for her intimacy YOU. ARE. SUNK. No vagina is ever worth compromising your character for. Women love the fixer upper husband-boyfriend, but you aren't broke to begin with and as soon as you supplicate to what she 'thinks' would make you the ideal mate you become some one other than the guy she was first attracted to.

My Father in law has been married to my wife's mother for almost 20 years now and every one of those years, she has set the tone for his decisions. Passively, but by blackmailing the man with her intimacy he has effectively lived his life for a woman who has absolutely no desire to be intimate with her husband for exactly the reason she wants him to man-up for.

 

[chopper1911]

Thanks for the words of wisdom rollo. I think I failed to realize I was being tested all the time and let a few things slide and boom few things turned into a wave and no its a constant struggle to get back in our proper roles. Congrats on the successful family though rollo

 

[speedo_meme]

man, from reading this, it seems that love and marriage are just things that i don't want. there's got to be an upside somewhere, women can't just be that terrible......Rollo i love the way you put that in the third paragraph, it doesn't get much simpler than that....

 

[decades]

Originally posted by soverign
I was married. We fought a little bit when I first moved in with her, but not much later in our relationship. During the end we drifted apart. Our interest didn't overlap at all and she fvcked an exbf. That's when I knew it was over. I used to blame her, but now I know that I am to blame. I was a weak AFC, I gave in when I should have stood my ground. I did not act enough like a real man to keep her.

Soverign

yes you may have been AFC but NO it was not your fault she fukked an exbf. Its HER fault. You can have the worst marriage in the world but that doesn't give someone the right to CHEAT. Its one decision (yes or no) that she said yes too. So stop assuming the blame by continuing to be an AFC about it. She F'd you over. Mature people don't do that. They sit and talk about their problems and find solutions. I hate it when AFCs take the blame for women Fukking their best friends or their exes. Stay alone (or not involved) until you can find a women who is TRUSTABLE. That also means you have to be trustable and many of us can't even trust ourselves.

regards

Mike