Any Coward Can Do This (Part 2): the Straight Pride Parade

[izza]

Some important points I made last time:

I think people should feel joy during the act of approaching or not do it at all.

My job, the entire purpose of the any coward can do this series, is to make approaching fun, so that people WANT to approach - not for the benefits later, but for the joy of approaching right now.

Now if I just got on here and told you a really easy and risk-free way of approaching a girl, NOBODY WOULD DO IT, or even listen. No, that is not the route this series must take. The point of this series is to provide simple, painless exercises that help us realize that approaching women is actually fun and easy.

Last time I provided an experiment to provide personal evidence that it is not fear that stops us from approaching.

I don't think simple fear has ever stopped me from approaching a woman. She was never going to hurt me.

If it were fear, this "assassin's note" (from Part 1) would help you. I've tried this technique. For me, fear wasn't the problem. Fear isn't the problem.

The problem was simply an overdeveloped sense of shame. I lived in a demon world of the mind where women stone men for saying hello. A world where packs of women giggle and ridicule their suitors throughout the night. It's true that I was afraid of phantoms only, but those phantoms caused me real, emotional and sometimes physical pain. As far as my mind was concerned, the phantoms were real.

The main problem isn't fear in the normal sense of the word fear. We are afraid, yes, but afraid of the demons that already haunt us. The best solution isn't to "be less afraid." We already have all the "courage" we need. In fact, we shouldn't need any courage at all. Approaching should feel fun and easy (in the same way I am nervous before a piano concert but I still enjoy the concert). The best solution is to make the demons vanish.

If you are even reading, even considering what I say, you already have enough courage to approach a girl. What needs to happen now is a shift in the way you view the world. The demons need to leave if you want success with women. I can help you.

You will soon see that approaching women is the easiest thing in the world.

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Note: From now on, I do not give tips. I tell you what worked for me and what I like. It's up to you to draw a conclusion. But I believe that any coward can do this, and benefit.
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One of my biggest blocks, still, in approaching women is that I have a secret. This is a secret I really wouldn't like anybody to know. I would like to share the secret with a few choice individuals, but otherwise, I want this secret to be all my own.

Do you know what my secret is? Hmm?

It's this:

I want to have sex. A lot of sex. With lots of women. Even ones I barely know.

Now you may not think this is much of a secret. But I can't think of many of my friends who could without thinking twice walk up to some girl and say they like sex. I can think of only two friends (I've lived in three cities in my 23 years, that's good number of people friends) who talk openly with their parents about their sex life.

I noticed this "secret" of mine recently, and I decided to come out of the closet.

That's right, I came out of the closet. I am a man. I am straight. I want to have sex with a good woman, and I don't care who knows it. Straight pride!

Who wants to join me in a straight pride parade? Phalluses with large vaginas.

I would seriously be less ashamed to be gay than I am being straight.

I started talking to my parents about sex, about approaching, about seduction, and all the "routines" I had foolishly memorized. I told them about my (limited ) sexual experience. They just stared at me in shock. But that's ok. They did their best. I don't want this part of me to be a secret anymore. I started telling my grandmom all about it, and she was the funniest of them all. I tell my friends, I tell my friends friends. I tell my brother and my little sister.

One of my mottos is: the problem isn't how I approach women. The problem is how I approach life.

And if I can't express how much I like sex to my own parents, how would you like to me to express this to a perfect stranger, surrounded by people, on a crowded dance floor?

Obviously approaching a girl, I don't literally say "I would like to have sex with you." That part comes later (usually). But even just the act of approaching can be interpreted as an act with an ulterior motive. In fact, in my experience, most women just assume this is my motive in approaching. Since it is their motive in receiving my approach.

So the short version is, if I were in your shoes, and if I still had a really tough time talking about sex, I would try telling my barmates, buddies, family and workmates that you want sex. Once I did this, approaching became thinkable.

I could tell my parents, I just don't want to.

Yeah, I used to feel that way. I could tell my parents that I like sex, I just don't want to. But then again, I could approach a girl, I just don't want to.

So why start with "approaching" my parents? The major, overall reason is because it's true. You do want sex or else you wouldn't be here. Or even if you're looking for marriage, you want to have sex maybe once or twice while you're married, don't you? (I've heard that's what marriage is like, I'm not trying to be condescending ). For most of you, I assume the following is a no-brainer: I want sex.

So since I want sex, it is part of who I am. I want my parents, family, friends, to love me for who I am and for what I want out of life. They can't love me for who I am if they don't know who I am.

Two, I already can approach my parents, so it seems an easier place to start.

And of course my parents assume I want sex. But then again, a girl in a bar sees me looking at her from halfway across the room, and she assumes I want sex too. The breaking point is the same in both. I have to express what I want. I have to approach the girl, I have to be honest with my parents.

Time out, so far I have blocked any attempt by my parents to talk about THEIR sex life (they're getting divorced btw). I am all for openness, but I prefer a one-way street for this sex-mobile.

Time in.

Final point, if my relationship with my parents is so euphemistic and dishonest that I can't tell them I desire sex...

if my relationship is that closed...

seriously,

I'd have to ask myself what the fvck am I doing trying to approach women, when I have such a sh!tty relationship with my parents.

If I feel lonely, I am barking up the wrong tree.

Also, if one or both of your parents are dead... so what? Imagine yourself telling them. Tell your care-taker, your close friends.

So how has "coming out of the closet" helped my approaching.

One of my biggest fears used to be that I would approach a girl. And some girl would think of me as dirty. Then, this demonic vision continued by the girl telling her friends. They had a malicious laugh about my patheticness. Then, we happened across each other, and somehow this rumor spread to people I know and eventually to my parents.

That fear, however illogical and improbable, was my demon. And I would add that stranger things have happened in life.

The way to destroy that particular demon was to disclose the "secret." Once my parents and family and friends knew that I approach women, and like sex, I had nothing to hide. Anybody I approach can tell my family anything they want. How could it affect me negatively, they already know I want sex, and that I approach women.

I'm sure that many of you already talk about sex with your friends. Maybe all of you already talk about sex with your parents and grandparents. I don't claim to know you, or know what you "need to do to approach." And I believe that cookie-cutter, one size fits all advice does not exist for a problem as complex as why we men don't approach women more often. But that's for another day.

For now, I would summarize what I'm saying as:

"Join me in coming out of the closet." Express your sexuality, If you haven't already.

Izza

PS Just as a side note. I feel that as men, we have a far easier time expressing our desire for sex than women. For women, there is the "slut" taboo. For men, we have only the taboo of the "disgusting guy", but that is more easily overcome, IMO.

I really enjoy talking about sex with people now. I'm not saying this will work for you, but I love it, and I find it makes approaching much easier for me.

One demon down, I still have a lot to go.

Much love,

Izza

 

[stinkyape]

I started talking to my parents about sex, about approaching, about seduction, and all the "routines" I had foolishly memorized. I told them about my (limited ) sexual experience. They just stared at me in shock. But that's ok. They did their best. I don't want this part of me to be a secret anymore. I started telling my grandmom all about it, and she was the funniest of them all. I tell my friends, I tell my friends friends. I tell my brother and my little sister.

:crackup:

I want to have sex with lots of different, hot women too. Straight pride

 

[naes]

Wow this actually makes a lot of sense! seriously, it digs deeper into the problem of approaching and an outlook on life as a whole. Thanks a lot for this one, its opened my eyes.

 

[afrojiggles]

gd post dude

 

[Nighthawk]

I've never felt ashamed of my desire for women, and I'm sure that's contributed to my success. Your parents seem to have ****ed you up on this issue. Are they/you religious or very conservative?

 

[comic_relief]

I tell my parents this whenenver I am on the phone and about to go over to my girl's room. "Well, I got to go see my girl and have lots of sex!"

They usually say, "Thats good wrap your tool"

comic_relief

 

[izza]

Wow this actually makes a lot of sense! seriously, it digs deeper into the problem of approaching and an outlook on life as a whole. Thanks a lot for this one, its opened my eyes.

Thank you for letting me know that the post helped.

afrojiggles gd post dude

Thank you for the compliment.

I want to have sex with lots of different, hot women too. Straight pride

Haha, what sort of ribbon do you think we should use? Maybe a phallic shaped one.

I tell my parents this whenenver I am on the phone and about to go over to my girl's room. "Well, I got to go see my girl and have lots of sex!"

They usually say, "Thats good wrap your tool"

comic_relief

CR, great to hear from you buddy. I would love to have an easy relationship like that with my parents. I bet that contributes to your amazing success.

I've never felt ashamed of my desire for women, and I'm sure that's contributed to my success. Your parents seem to have ****ed you up on this issue. Are they/you religious or very conservative?

Nighthawk, whoa, how are you buddy? We should talk. I must have said "that dude Nighthawk was right..." like 20 times in the past 3 months.

My parents are atheistic liberals!

But I have my own theory as to why I have so much trouble expressing my desire for sex. I call it the Naughty Secret Theory (I'm really proud of this theory, so even if you're like 'man this theory sucks,' be nice to me ok?).

I remember learning about curse words. I went for a walk when I was seven with a friend of mine (who later ended up in the same child welfare system I now work for). His voice in a hush, he told me he would teach me all the bad words in the English language. I was amazed and excited and slightly ashamed. So he recited them, from a$$ to wh0re. Now, how did I know not to say these words? One, because my parents never said them. Two, because all this learning curse words was a HUGE SECRET. I learned that curse words were bad, because I couldn't tell my parents that I knew them. Even when a curse word did slip out, I quickly learned bad words made my parents uncomfortable. I learned to watch my mouth.

My parents told me about good things to do. They never told me about how bad people get away with bad things, or how good people live hard lives sometimes. I just figured, any big part of life they didn't talk to me about, it must be because it's bad.

I don't think I lived a particularly sheltered life. I was more sheltered than usual because I went to private school. But, I believe almost all parents unthinkingly shelter their children from reality. In the same conversation about curse words, I learned that Santa Claus isn't real. This came as a shock to me, because it seemed to me at that time that everybody believed in Santa Claus. Soon, a lot of old beliefs started crashing down. The tooth fairy flew off without a jingle of change or a wisp of magic dust. Unicorns fled the woods of Europe. Leprechauns vanished, taking the ends of rainbows and pots of gold with them.

While old myths disappeared, new painful beliefs surfaced. It came as a huge shock to me that badguys sometimes win. I heard of murderous mobsters dying free on their deathbed. People told me that there are innocent people in prison who are never going to be set free. No matter how hard some people in Africa work or how nicely they ask, some people are going to die of starvation.

The house of fantasy my parents had so carefully constructed was collapsing.

Age 11. I will never forget lying in my bed one night. This night was a night like any other night except for one detail: it is the first night I would realize that my parents must have had the same sex I wanted to have with a girl in order to conceive me. I felt absolutely repulsed.

The thought of my parents naked. Eww. The thought of them sexually attracted to each other, oh my god eww. Freud would eat his heart out.

My parents never talked about sex. Ever. So these realizations came as an embarrassingly tardy surprise. My parents gave me a book when I was 8 explaining how eggs fertilize into little babies, which grow into adults. They told me this was an adult thing. The book must have skipped lightly over how the egg got fertilized, because I don't recall associating my penis with fertilizing anything but the lawn when I was four.

In any case, this was "an adult thing." I had no idea how soon I would become "an adult." But since I was just 14 when I ejaculated the first time, I figured I must be a bad person, since I wasn't an adult yet. I was just a kid.

A mocking voice asks me, "you don't like women yet?" This is sixth grade. One year ago, it had been profoundly uncool to like women. Now, apparently, a semi-bully was embarrassing me because liking women had suddenly become cool. I felt so confused.

I am at my friend's house. I can't be more than 14. He talks about an erection. I say, "what's that?" Two years later, the same friend says he found a condom in the playground. I say, "what's a building doing there?"

Santa Claus Disappears

My theory is that the entirety of growing up is letting go of the convenient fantasies we were told as children. Maybe I just have this theory out of blame of my parents, and society as a whole. I don't know. I believe there is a lot of utility to this theory.

Badguys don't always win. Santa Claus doesn't exist.

If I get my degree, and if I work really hard in school, I may still have trouble finding a good job. Now there's a fantasy I didn't know was a fantasy until later.

There are magical forces that give presents. Yeah, no. If I am a poor parent, I have to find some way of making those presents appear.

The good always wins over evil. Yeah, no. Good guys are in jail and bad guys are free, and will remain free until their death and maybe even after that.

Superman is invincible. Yeah, no. Superman doesn't exist. Good guys are very vincible.

And so on and so forth. Growing up is learning how to deal with a different take on reality... and still remaining happy and innocent. That's growing up for me.

I see lots of people who seem to spend their entire lives learning to express their sexuality. The notion of sex did not exist for me as a child. I just thought I had appeared in my mom's belly, seriously.

My parents

My parents are good people. They love me. They want what's best for me. They are very cautious and prudent, however. They have definitely instilled a sense of over-caution in me. They have been out of love with each other and married for about 15 years, though. I always felt a cold tension in our home. They never talked about sex.

So, like the curse words, I assumed sex was bad, for the simple reason that I only learned about it, with great precautions and secrecy, from my friends.

I learned sex was bad for the simple reason that my parents had never mentioned it to me before. How could they, it was the downfall of their marriage.

Izza

 

[stinkyape]

My parents

My parents are good people. They love me. They want what's best for me. They are very cautious and prudent, however. They have definitely instilled a sense of over-caution in me. They have been out of love with each other and married for about 15 years, though. I always felt a cold tension in our home. They never talked about sex.

So, like the curse words, I assumed sex was bad, for the simple reason that I only learned about it, with great precautions and secrecy, from my friends.

I learned sex was bad for the simple reason that my parents had never mentioned it to me before. How could they, it was the downfall of their marriage.

Izza

Very similar to my parents. NEVER talked about sex, and never affectionate. Once I remember seeing them hugging in the kitchen (in much the same way I might hug my f--king grandmother! Nothing special about it!) - it was quite foreign to me, because I'd never realised they had ever cared about each other.

So yeah, sex was like a 'dirty secret' for me too, and as a result I fully get where this thread is coming from. I think I still suffer from it a bit, although I hope to get much better. I wish my parents had been more open about relationships. Funny thing is that they're athiests and liberals too!

 

[ValleyDJing]

I like and agree with your post. Interesting insight. But I'm telling you it wouldn't fly in my family. My parents are extremely conservative/religious. For example...

I remember going to the doctor one time when I was like 15 or so for a physical, and I remember the doctor asking, "are you sexually active", I answered truthfully, "no". Later my parents were like, "why didn't you tell her that you're saving sex for marraige?!" I just shrugged thinking, "cuz i'm NOT!" No way I could've said that though.

Then when I was 16 or 17, they asked me to sign a purity vow. The whole time I'm thinking, "F.UCK!" I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Mom, Dad...No. I wanna f.uck lots of girls?" I couldn't do that.

Its pretty difficult. One of my friends even used to joke around calling my parents the Flanders (from the simpsons).

 

[Nighthawk]

Nighthawk, whoa, how are you buddy? We should talk. I must have said "that dude Nighthawk was right..." like 20 times in the past 3 months.

My parents are atheistic liberals!

That's that theory fucked then.

Hmm, my parents didn't talk about sex either, apart from a dimly remembered chat about the birds and bees one night. But neither did they ever act like it was a bad thing, or try to tell me how to live my life, mainly because they know I wouldn't listen. They remain the greatest parents ever btw.

As an adopted, I never had to picture my parents having sex and maybe missed out on some of the Freudian angst and guilt therein. And maybe it's contributed to a sense of self that doesn't rely on my parents approval about everything, leaving me free to enjoy issue-free sexual relations (though I have also pegged adoption issues on my womanizing/quest for alphaness/hatred of weakness in self). But that's me, and not all adopteds become DJs. Many become serial killers, you can see the similarities...

Back to you (and Izza I always enjoy your posts you are a good writer), what do you mean sex was the downfall of their marriage? Lack of it, or extra-marital? Either way, if you've always got the message that sex is shameful you might be forgiven for internalizing it.

What I'm also getting is a frustrated idealist. I can identify with that too, but never saw it as 'ideal' to share my sex-life with my parents.

In conclusion, your theory is correct, your parents encouraged you to be over-cautious and uncomfortable about sex. Hopefully this will fade as you leave an ever longer trail of pussy in your wake.

Also sex is supposed to be a bit dirty, naughty and furtive. That's half the fun.

 

[izza]

I like and agree with your post. Interesting insight. But I'm telling you it wouldn't fly in my family. My parents are extremely conservative/religious. For example...

I remember going to the doctor one time when I was like 15 or so for a physical, and I remember the doctor asking, "are you sexually active", I answered truthfully, "no". Later my parents were like, "why didn't you tell her that you're saving sex for marraige?!" I just shrugged thinking, "cuz i'm NOT!" No way I could've said that though.

Then when I was 16 or 17, they asked me to sign a purity vow. The whole time I'm thinking, "F.UCK!" I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Mom, Dad...No. I wanna f.uck lots of girls?" I couldn't do that.

Its pretty difficult. One of my friends even used to joke around calling my parents the Flanders (from the simpsons).

Hey Valley,

I wanted to take the time to clarify something. When I say "any coward can do this," I mean any coward can talk about sex... to somebody. I don't believe talking about sex to one's parents is something "any coward can do." I am trying to deepen the conversation with my parents right now, and I feel really scared.

I'm afraid they're going to judge me. I'm afraid they're going to start lecturing me. I'm afraid they'll think less of me, or think I'm dirty, or love and respect one of my siblings more.

Talking about sex and masturbation to them terrifies the snot out of me.

I want to make it absolutely crystal clear that I don't think you are a coward because you don't feel ready to discuss sex with your parents. It sounds like they may not be the most accepting or open parents right now. And that's really too bad. I feel you on how much that sucks.

But I know for a fact, in fact, I am 100% certain that you have the courage to talk about sex with somebody. How do I know? Because you're doing it right now. If I were in your shoes - which I am not, and surely I trust your judgment better than my own - I would talk about sex with as many people as I felt comfortable. If I only felt comfortable on an anonymous forum, that's fine. I think you'll find a lot of acceptance here.

If I felt comfortable talking to friends about it, I would consider that a good step.

In my life, I doubt I could really overcome my fear of approaching without talking to my parents about it. In fact, I've told both of them and I still feel afraid. I guess that must seem discouraging, but I have learned that baby steps are ok. I have learned to accept my impatience to move faster.

Again, I don't know your parents. But most parents are trying to do what's right, and deep down they're not sure about what they're doing.

Communication skills are really powerful here. They make the difference between my parents saying, "ok sounds good son" to a huge fight. I would recommend John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" for this, and also remembering the rule of balance in conversations (will explain if need be). I find that "I feel..." are very effective here. I still can't tell my parents, "I feel afraid that I've disappointed you."

Personally, I feel deeply embarrassed about this sex issue. I have this feeling like my parents wish I were a chaste monk, and I just feel so inadequate, as if I am letting them down by wanting sex. I fear they wish I were someone else, and that I'm letting them down.

So yeah, I don't think you're a coward. You're already doing something brave by being on this forum. I'd bet you feel embarrassed, and also worried that maybe your parents are right that you should be more chaste. That's how I feel anyway.

I've realized that I have the strength in me to make my life full, to start a real conversation with my parents where I tell them who I really am. I realized that I deserve to be accepted for who I am. I have had to kindly but firmly stand up to them parents to gain that acceptance. Baby steps are ok man.

Also, I have eliminated almost all abstraction from all my conversations and speech and writing. This is the best change I have made in my life in a long time. I cannot more highly recommend it. But I don't know if it would help you, I'm just saying, it has really benefited me.

I do believe that the two bravest things in life are to ask for what I want, and to express how I feel. I fall short almost all the time on those ideals, and that's ok because they're really hard to make a reality.

Nighthawk is right. I am a frustrated idealist.

Your friendly coward,

Izza

 

[ValleyDJing]

Its just my parents that I won't talk to about sex or females. My mom and stepdad would like me to be, like you said, a monk or something. And my dad and stepmom, well I just feel weird so I don't. But its kinda funny that this thread came up cause just last night I did talk about some female related matters around my dad. Me and my dad were over at our neighbors house playing poker and one of my neighbors friends had some tiggo bitties! Basically I was talking about her boobs right in front of my dad. Its was actualy pretty comical, but I gotta thank my neighbor because I probably wouldn't have even done that if she hadn't been like, "hey valley, what do you think? Are her boobs real?" lol! and so yeah...ehh, its a start I guess.

 

[izza]

I suppose that's a start. I'm not really sure what to think actually.

Thinking of my own personal experience, I feel it's really easy to make jokes about sex. In fact, I think one reason sex is almost always the topic of jokes and punchlines is because we as a society feel uncomfortable with our sexuality. If we weren't ashamed, there wouldn't be anything surprising or naughty about it - there'd be no humor.

It's pretty easy for me to make jokes about sex, but I'm not sure if that's a step. I guess you'll have to decide for yourself. My overall goal has been not to talk more about sex in a joking way, my goal has been to talk about sex SERIOUSLY.

I can't think of too many guys who talk about sex seriously. Seriously like "I would love to have a bj right now" seriously. I have stopped making any jokes about sex. I'm not saying it's what you should do. I'm saying that I'm really glad that I talk about sex seriously.

If you feel this was a big step for you, then congratulations. I guess I'm afraid that making jokes about sex only underlined a shame to talk about sex seriously. I have felt that way before.

Izza