Anxious-preoccupied women

[Divorced w 3]

My therapist was commenting on a woman I was seeing and labeled her (best guess) as anxious-preoccupied which upon a Google search actually was named ‘daddy issues’ by its AI.

I have been labeled dismissive-avoidant so this situation really fvcked with me, as great as the seks was and as nice as it was to have physical connection, it never felt fully emotionally attuned and we never were able to communicate well. She never brought things up that were importsnt, I always got it third person or had to ask and when I did ask, it was predictable how bad it was going to go. I walked around the block once and just tried to cool my jets to come back inside to this woman crying in a ball on her bed.

It’s been tough dealing with this.

Google, to wit;

Anxious-preoccupied attachment, also known as anxious attachment, is a relationship style characterized by a strong desire for closeness and a fear of abandonment. Individuals with this style may experience high anxiety in relationships, often seeking constant reassurance and validation. This can stem from inconsistent caregiving during early childhood.

Key characteristics of anxious-preoccupied attachment:

• • Desire for closeness:
    Individuals with this style crave intimacy and connection, often seeking out partners or friends to meet their emotional needs.
    
  • Fear of abandonment:
    A deep-seated fear that loved ones will leave them or stop caring about them is a central feature of this attachment style.
    
  • Need for reassurance:
    They often require constant validation and reassurance from their partners or friends to feel secure in their relationships.
    
  • Low self-esteem:
    Anxiety and fear of rejection can lead to low self-worth and a tendency to put others' needs before their own.
    
  • Heightened sensitivity:
    Individuals with this style may be more sensitive to emotional cues and interpretations, which can lead to misinterpretations and heightened anxiety.
    
  • Insecure attachment:
    They often struggle to trust their partners and may worry excessively about the stability of their relationships.
    

Causes and development:

• • Inconsistent caregiving:
    Early childhood experiences with inconsistent caregiving, where needs are met inconsistently, can contribute to the development of anxious attachment.
    
  • Unpredictable attention:
    Children who receive unpredictable attention from caregivers may learn that attention is valuable but unreliable, leading to anxiety about relationships.
    
  • Internalized feelings:
    These experiences can lead to internalized feelings of unworthiness and a fear of rejection.
    

Coping and therapy:

• • Understanding your attachment style:
    Recognizing your attachment style can help you understand your patterns of behavior and emotional responses.
    
  • Developing self-esteem:
    Working on building healthy self-esteem can help reduce the need for external validation and reassurance.
    
  • Learning healthy communication skills:
    Learning to communicate your needs and boundaries effectively can improve relationship dynamics.
    
  • Seeking therapy:
    Therapy, particularly attachment-based therapies, can help individuals process past experiences and develop more secure attachment patterns.
    

In summary, anxious-preoccupied attachment is a relationship style characterized by a strong desire for closeness and a fear of abandonment, often stemming from inconsistent caregiving experiences in early childhood. Understanding and addressing the underlying anxieties and insecurities associated with this style can help individuals develop more secure and healthy relationships.

 

[The Duke]

So she yearned for a deeper connection to make herself feel good, and you avoided it to keep yourself feel good? As a result it fueled her anxieties and your avoidance. I'm not surprised this didn't work.

We are all a product of how we were raised. Childhood is such an important time in a persons life.

 

[New_Journey]

It’s been tough dealing with this.

I'm assuming tough for you right?

Now that you understand her and yourself (right?). What are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna use that knowledge to hurt her or use it as a weapon against her? Or you're gonna be "good" to her (whatever that means to you)?

You got only two options, accept her for how she is, accept some $hit she will throw at you and some inevitable crying from her that her world will be over if you don't love her. Or just cut ties with her.

Knowledge is power. Use it for good, not for bad.

If you wanna keep going down the rabbit hole and find more about life, search Game Theory, you'll see no matter what you do, good is always better, unless somebody does bad to you first. Tit for Tat, google it

 

[Smok1nAce]

Once you do the work yourself and become a healthy individual (mentally), people with mental disabilities will be as clear as day.

 

[JacquesMemoirs]

She might enjoy a distraction or an adventure. Take her some place new to get her mind off the misery.

I actually like miserable women. It seems like a feminine attribute today. They’re fun.

My last girlfriend is similar. She’s the most attractive woman I can remember for a long time. She instantly seduced me by sitting next to me. She checked off every box for me. I was and still am wild about her

but she’s messed up in all kinds of ways. A super beautiful young woman that is tortured by whatever nonsense in her world. She’s spectacular. She can have literally any guy in the entire world she’s so beautiful.

Saw her just the other day at the park by my place, moping under a tree, wearing sunglasses. She’s crazy beautiful even when she’s depressed.

but she instantly seduced me when we first met. We’re not in a relationship anymore but I always think of her.

 

[Divorced w 3]

So she yearned for a deeper connection to make herself feel good, and you avoided it to keep yourself feel good? As a result it fueled her anxieties and your avoidance. I'm not surprised this didn't work.

We are all a product of how we were raised. Childhood is such an important time in a persons life.

Partially. The deeper connection was via clingy, dramatic displays at some points and then mixed with attention seeking behavior, think almost like an adult version of a child that acts out; imagine almost a constant state of love bombing clingy behavior and then issues like I described above when you would express a hint of frustration if you couldn’t have a real discussion for instance. Like a mix of intoxicating attention, acting out, and then off putting attention seeking activity like validation through social media or in person periodically, or running to friends to get advice and say things behind your back that she couldn’t work out in person.

 

[jhonny9546]

Unpredictable attention

This sounds lovebombing from parents

Once you do the work yourself and become a healthy individual (mentally), people with mental disabilities will be as clear as day.

I hope to become like this one day.

 

[Divorced w 3]

This sounds lovebombing from parents

Complete opposite

dad always working and when home, would hand daughter off to mother at toddler level, would not get involved in the raising of the daughter

mom would not offer emotional support, preferred instead to try to ‘toughen up/ be strong’ approach - suppress her feelings

Both parents preferred the ‘toughen up’ approach

no physical / emotional outbursts just non emotional availability

summer trip to various places, family bonding, generally nice people

that’s obviously not how you deal with young children

Nice people but just not deeper level communicators. Drove me bananas. How do you form a relationship if you don’t ask questions.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Key characteristics of anxious-preoccupied attachment:

• Desire for closeness:
  Individuals with this style crave intimacy and connection, often seeking out partners or friends to meet their emotional needs.
• Fear of abandonment:
  A deep-seated fear that loved ones will leave them or stop caring about them is a central feature of this attachment style.
• Need for reassurance:
  They often require constant validation and reassurance from their partners or friends to feel secure in their relationships.
• Low self-esteem:
  Anxiety and fear of rejection can lead to low self-worth and a tendency to put others' needs before their own.
• Heightened sensitivity:
  Individuals with this style may be more sensitive to emotional cues and interpretations, which can lead to misinterpretations and heightened anxiety.
• Insecure attachment:
  They often struggle to trust their partners and may worry excessively about the stability of their relationships.

This describes like 90% of all women.

 

[JacquesMemoirs]

I tend to target young women, much older women, unemployed women, and affluent women.

because they tend to have a lot more free time compared to the boss woman or worker that is always at work and stressed out

the truth is staying at home raising the kids while her man goes to work everyday, that’s like the greatest honor ever achieved. But a lot of women were tricked into the career and working world

 

[jhonny9546]

the truth is staying at home raising the kids while her man goes to work everyday, that’s like the greatest honor ever achieved.

For her?
This will not be a full time job, it will eventually go part time, and then a fulltime sofa/wife

Both parents preferred the ‘toughen up’ approach

What good parents should do? (From your POV)