Anxiety about running into my ex

[GrowingPains]

Over the past 9 months I've noticed that I often feel anxious about running into my ex (we dated for 4 years). I'm curious if there's anything that I can do, other than let time do its thing, to reduce this anxiety. I've been pursuing other women, it's going alright - pretty focused on exams right now.

When I go to pick up my brother/visit my friend that goes to her university, I worry that I'll run into her. No matter where I am, if I see a car like hers, I worry it's her. The breakup was bad. It was my first serious relationship. I exhibited some pretty regrettable AFC behaviors during the breakup (trying to get back with her, sucking up super hard, etc) when I should've stood by my initial decision more strongly in hindsight.

I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter if I run into her. Or it doesn't matter if I do see her on OLD apps... but I obvious don't feel that way and I'd like to figure out how to move on.

Sometimes I wish I didn't even remember her or the time we had together because that would make it easier to forget about her. But I don't think that's healthy. I wanna deal with the situation well.

 

[kbbroiler1971]

Okay my advice is this. Are you on social media? Do you have her as a friend? If not, make a public notice for ex-girlfriends to stay away from you. You might think it is crazy but it is affective. That's what I've done and trust me I bet they hide from me when they see me or go the other way.

 

[GrowingPains]

I don't have her on social media. I don't have social media and didn't even during our relationship.

The expectancy that we might run into each other is purely based on the fact that we might be in each other's vicinity. I feel like it's kind of unreasonable which is why I want to squash it. We go to different universities, 30 mins apart and in a highly populated area. I'm moving across the country to transfer to another university (unmotivated by the situation). So the chances we will run into each other are slim, I think. But for some reason there's still a fear that we will. I feel like I shouldn't care, at least I want to feel that way.

Sorry if I'm not explaining it well, I'm still trying to sort it out myself ykno.

 

[kbbroiler1971]

I have to give you props for not being on social media. Ok I know about the fear of running into an ex. Chances are I would say don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. If it does, deal with it then. My advice would be to ghost her

 

[marmel75]

Why do you care so much?

 

[Spaz]

Why do you care so much?

I second this.

OP, did you do something illegal towards your ex that warrants you to be worried of bumping into her ?

If there was nothing illegal to begin with then you're only reacting to being butthurt.

A mere woman that's both biologically weaker physically and intellectually, is actually capable of making a strong man such as yourself squirm, in the off chance of bumping into her ?

Come'on man. You need to give yourself more credit.

 

[GrowingPains]

Lol nothing illegal.

I don't want to care. But I think it's the fact that she was my first girlfriend, first love, longest relationship. And relative to the length of the relationship it's pretty fresh.

I want to move on and not care. I am just asking for advice as to how. Nothing in that regard has been discussed yet but that's what I'm after. Keep in mind this is the first time that I've had to move on, so I am simply trying to figure out how to do it as quickly and healthily as possible.

I can definitely say it gets better as time goes on. But if I can accelerate it that'd be cool.

I'm not afraid of her. I think I'm not over the relationship and that I miss it still. And that seeing her is a reminder of that. It's still painful whether I want it to be or not.

 

[kbbroiler1971]

Okay do you know how not to care? Think of it in this light. She used you as a utility meaning she might of loved you but it was because of the stuff you did for her. When I really learned about female nature and stopped believing the Disney narrative, decisions are easier to make and it made me stop caring. I believe you are over the relationship but you are not over the sex component in the relationship. You might be struggling with oneitis.

 

[Spaz]

Lol nothing illegal.

I don't want to care. But I think it's the fact that she was my first girlfriend, first love, longest relationship. And relative to the length of the relationship it's pretty fresh.

I want to move on and not care. I am just asking for advice as to how. Nothing in that regard has been discussed yet but that's what I'm after. Keep in mind this is the first time that I've had to move on, so I am simply trying to figure out how to do it as quickly and healthily as possible.

I can definitely say it gets better as time goes on. But if I can accelerate it that'd be cool.

I'm not afraid of her. I think I'm not over the relationship and that I miss it still. And that seeing her is a reminder of that. It's still painful whether I want it to be or not.

Okay I've reread your 1st post again, I now noticed it's a 4 year relationship.

Here's the tricky part.

Anytime a man has a relationship with a woman that spans more then a year, he'll form bonds with her. And the longer it is the deeper the bonds.

The relationship or love might be over but the bonds is still deeply rooted within you. That's normal and expected.

It's like the guitar that you hardly ever used or not using at all but know it's hanging on the wall in your room, and when it's removed or taken by someone else, although you don't use it anymore, although you hardly even look at it, you'll immediately feel something is amiss. You'd feel uncomfortable just knowing it's missing and your wall seems plain without it. And it will gnaw at you the whole day, maybe the whole week, fvck, maybe even your entire life, depending on your emotional attachment to the guitar and how you deal with its loss.

Correct?

Knowing this, what would be your logical rational solution to that predicament?

Will you run away from your house ? Will you avoid seeing your wall ? Will you do nothing and continue being a victim in losing a guitar ?

Do you see where I'm getting at ?

Like I said, come'on man, give yourself some credit.

 

[GrowingPains]

I understand. Both replies are good points.

I probably do have oneitus even though I am actively trying to move on. That's one I'll need to think about how to deal with.

The challenge is letting my attachment to that bond fizzle out. I'm definitely not trying to run from the problem. That's cowardly and unhealthy as well, I was just saying how I feel by saying I feel anxious about it. It doesn't stop me from going places.

I'll have to let this one marinate. The heart still feels what it wants even though my mind knows what's best. I'll post if I have any break though on how to deal with the former.

Thanks, fellas. It's been an incomplete discussion I've been having with myself for some time. It helps for me to get it out and make some progress on the matter.

 

[RangerMIke]

Your afraid of running into her because you fear what might happen. Ask yourself what you think is going to occur then address that. Fear or anxiety are just symptoms of the real problem which is expectation. Once you figure out that you can actually take steps to mitigate what may happen then you'll be fine.

 

[lamath]

Okay I've reread your 1st post again, I now noticed it's a 4 year relationship.

Here's the tricky part.

Anytime a man has a relationship with a woman that spans more then a year, he'll form bonds with her. And the longer it is the deeper the bonds.

The relationship or love might be over but the bonds is still deeply rooted within you. That's normal and expected.

It's like the guitar that you hardly ever used or not using at all but know it's hanging on the wall in your room, and when it's removed or taken by someone else, although you don't use it anymore, although you hardly even look at it, you'll immediately feel something is amiss. You'd feel uncomfortable just knowing it's missing and your wall seems plain without it. And it will gnaw at you the whole day, maybe the whole week, fvck, maybe even your entire life, depending on your emotional attachment to the guitar and how you deal with its loss.

Correct?

Knowing this, what would be your logical rational solution to that predicament?

Will you run away from your house ? Will you avoid seeing your wall ? Will you do nothing and continue being a victim in losing a guitar ?

Do you see where I'm getting at ?

Like I said, come'on man, give yourself some credit.

Get a new guitar to replace it lol

 

[lamath]

I understand. Both replies are good points.

I probably do have oneitus even though I am actively trying to move on. That's one I'll need to think about how to deal with.

The challenge is letting my attachment to that bond fizzle out. I'm definitely not trying to run from the problem. That's cowardly and unhealthy as well, I was just saying how I feel by saying I feel anxious about it. It doesn't stop me from going places.

I'll have to let this one marinate. The heart still feels what it wants even though my mind knows what's best. I'll post if I have any break though on how to deal with the former.

Thanks, fellas. It's been an incomplete discussion I've been having with myself for some time. It helps for me to get it out and make some progress on the matter.

Been there before.
For me it took like 2 year to completely get over it ****in 2 year.

What you need to understand is that you are now getting wiser and learning from your fear/pain.
Best way to get over it is the face your fear head on.

 

[flowtheory]

The breakup was bad. It was my first serious relationship. I exhibited some pretty regrettable AFC behaviors during the breakup (trying to get back with her, sucking up super hard, etc) when I should've stood by my initial decision more strongly in hindsight.

Let’s break this down.

1. Break up was bad
2. You acted emotionally during, and afterward. “AFC”.
3. Should have stood by your initial decision in hindsight.

1. Why was it bad? qualify this statement.
2. Why did you feel the need to use AFC tactics?
3. Did you end the relationship? Why did you two breakup?

 

[Spaz]

Get a new guitar to replace it lol

Well I wanted him to come to that conclusion but you beat him to it lmaooo

 

[lamath]

Well I wanted him to come to that conclusion but you beat him to it lmaooo

ADD cant wait my turn lmao

 

[dustmuffin]

What is the worst thing that can happen when you run into an x? You say hi and move along. That doesn't hurt. I ran into an x at a concert. She ran away from me because after I received her break-up text I ignored it. I could have made things awkward by chasing her down and saying hey what's up? I didn't but the fact remains that just saying hi and moving along is the best way to go.

 

[GrowingPains]

Well I wanted him to come to that conclusion but you beat him to it lmaooo

Eh.. that's not exactly the best way to deal with the situation. The problem is with me. I need to fix me first before I go trying to find another woman. So that's the wrong conclusion. I understand that I can't let the past dictate my future.

In response to Flowtheory:

1. Why was it bad? qualify this statement.

It was bad because I hadn't experienced a breakup before. I didn't know it would hurt even though it was my decision. I thought that pain meant I should be with her. The situation dragged on for 2 months (a lot happened that made it drag out, exams for example) while she figured out what she wanted and I played into it. I allowed her to string me along thinking it would get her back. I tried to apologise for everything I said just to get back with her. I've learned from this and reflected on this enough, I'm not asking for advice in this regard but simply answering your question.

2. Why did you feel the need to use AFC tactics?

Because I was an AFC haha that's all I knew. Unaware of it at the time. I hadn't found SS until a handful of months after. I wish I would've known earlier. My mindset before then was to appease her and everything would be okay. Yikes. Ya boi is only appeasing himself nowadays.

3. Did you end the relationship? Why did you two breakup?

We broke up because I was considering a job after graduation on the other side of the country. We had already been a couple hours apart from each other in college and very busy individually for 4 years (premed and engineering). Me moving across the country and us entering even busier stages of our lives was not what I wanted. Loved her, but the physical part of the relationship is important to me. That was probably a scapegoat though, I had thought about ending the relationship a couple times before but was probably just afraid to do so with someone I told I'd never hurt, that I wanted to be with forever, yada yada. In reality; I want to explore other women. We were incompatible sexually and I want a girl that's on my level. It's the fact that I was very transparent in why we were breaking up that has caused me so much stress. I told her what I told you. It hurt her and that doesn't make me feel good (yes, even if I said it differently it would still hurt her and that was never my intention.) I'm no jerk but I acted like one and that's not something I'm proud of. I thought on the spot and out loud instead of calmly and to myself first.

I realize that the fact that I said too much and the way I handled the breakup (both the action of doing so and the aftermath) is the reason I feel anxious about seeing her. It isn't about her so much as it is knowing my faults and facing the fact that I can't change what went down. It's a wrong I can't right but I'm fine with accepting responsibility for my actions. I think I have a serious case of shoulda woulda coulda and worrying about things that are out of my control. But I need to store them as lessons and not make the same mistakes again - which Im working on

 

[Spaz]

The guitar was just an example. You could either get a new guitar or simply something else to replace that missing one.

The point being, you'll need to immersed yourself in something else to cut off the bonds or at least negate as much emotions that a missing guitar is generating within you.

And I agree that getting a guitar right now is the wrong model to approach.

What do you think would be the best approach?

 

[GrowingPains]

I gotcha.

I have been immersed in my passions (sustainable transportation) since then. I'm really looking forward to transferring next semester so I can get started on some amazing research. My focus now is on improving myself so I can contribute positively to the world through my interest.

I'm also on my journey to become a DJ. Learning game. My attention to this is scattered though as I'm more focused on academics. But we'll get there. Mostly been doing OLD with tinder and bumble trying to see what works and what doesn't. I've approached a decent number of women on campus... Maybe 20-30 if I had to guess. Maybe more idk I was counting and keeping a journal of the approaches but.. no time for that. I'm too long-winded for my own good. I'll consider myself a DJ once I no longer have to think about what a DJ would do in every situation, especially with women. I say that because outside of women I am naturally confident, funny, charming etc. I just need to keep getting reps in until it becomes second nature with them too. In due time.

I think the best approach right now is learning about who I am. Which includes the things I've mentioned in this reply but also more. Both she and I lost ourselves in the relationship so I'm having fun learning what I like to do and how to enjoy my own company. What do you guys think about that course of action?