Another "how to play it from here with this chick" thread... (please help)

[Barbillus]

Hey guys,

I (recent college grad) am in a bind here and could really use some help and guidance on how to play it from here with this chick Erin (HB8, soph in college)... Despite the fact that I have had some very positive experiences over the last 4 months with this girl, I am really confused right now as to what I should do from here on out.

Some important facts:
-Met Erin (college freshman at the time) back at college in April and dated her solidly until the end of May when I moved home. Erin had EXTREMELY high interest level from the beginning and was actually a lot more aggressive in wanting to hang out at first than I was. We hung out every 2-3 days for a month.
-Took her to my senior college prom in May.
-The girl comes across as the really shy and passive type(i am the exact opposite).
-I have played it cool and been a DJ the entire time we have hung out/dated. The only AFC move I can think of I have done is saying, "well I like you.." when she is about to go down on me for her very first time...
-Continued to date her a few times over the summer, but it is now long distance, and we hang out and talk less often due to different and busy schedules plus vacations.

Some positive facts that occurred this summer:

-I have had dinner with her parents. She has done the same with mine.
-We met in NYC one day in June. She took the train to meet me there.
-End of July she took the train to my house and spent the entire weekend with me.
-When I am around her she frequently offers to pay (and I let her sometimes) and she has bought me a couple things.
-I was the first guy to go down on her and the first guy she gave a BJ too. We have not had sex, but we have come extremely close. Also we have been sober ever single time we have hooked up and that has been virtually every time we have hung out.
-Up until the month of September she has accepted EVERY date offer I have proposed. We have hung out around 20 times, the vast majority of which occurred during April/May period.

Some negatives and things I dont like:
-she has a lot of guy friends and is going out with them a lot or visiting them. She seems to be the type of girl that has a lot of guys after her, but from the ones i know they are all huge AFCs. I do not think she is hooking up with any other guys now, but I just dont have any proof either way.... and I mean.. how would I know if she was anyway? She is 2 hrs away from me... The reason I think she started dating/hooking up with me and not all her AFC guys is because I DJed her! (thanks sosuave!)
-the subject of exclusivity has never been brought up by either me or her. Although I have a couple times joked with her that I am seeing other girls, and from her reaction she seems to not like that, but then I say I am just kidding.
-When I visited her dorm room a couple weeks ago for a couple hours, she had pictures on her desk of people, one of which was from a guy she had gone to a dance with and they are in formal attire and the picture is framed. The guy looked like a tool. I didnt say anything to her about this, I just noticed it. She has no pictures of me, then again we havent taken any pictures, and the one good one we have came out too dark cause the film was old. (Perhaps I am overanalyzing with this part)
-Ever since I have moved home in June, it has been me calling/initiating the dates the majority of the time. Then again a lot of positive things have happenned on these dates during the summer.

RED FLAGS???: - or are these allowed to be legitimate excuses after 3-4 months. ????

(RedFlag #1??) -I invited her to go with me and my friends to a concert labor day weekend - to me she legitimately seemed uninterested and was claiming she didnt know the artist well and that it would be difficult for her to get there (she has no car at school). So she didnt come. From what I know of her, concerts arent her thing.. so maybe she really didnt want to go...?

(Red Flag #2??)- A couple days ago I called her up to go to the Shore with me to my friends beach house Fri night to Sunday. I told her to bring as many girlfriends of hers as she wanted. She got back to me and said "I really want to go blah blah blah, but me and my friends have been planning a suprise party for xyz person and I thought it was on thurs, but it is on friday and i cant miss this party for reasons X, Y, and Z and blah blah blah plus non of my friends would be able to join me b/c of this blah blah blah." etc. you get the idea. She basically really laid out her case as to why she and any of her friends couldnt come.

(Red Flag #2.5??)-Now that she is back at school, she doesnt call/IM/txt me like she use to ALL the time during the first 2 months. She has been at school for almost 3 weeks and I havent heard from her at all.... except for when I inititated contact for the above two instances.

Lastly, when we last spoke earlier today about the beach this weekend and she gave me her excuse... I basically continued to play it cool and just told her "hey i'm dissapointed you cant come" then said " hey.. next time you wanna hang out, give me a call." and left it at that..... with the ball in her court. good move?

So here are the possible routes I have thought about taking. Let me know what you think I should do, cause I have no freaking clue how to proceed and I really like this girl and after all the stuff we have done I thought we were on our way to becoming exclusive... or are we exclusive already (although I dont think this is the case b/c she always refers to me as a friend and not her BF) and I just dont know it??? Then again, the subject of exclusivity has never been brought up!

1) Continue to play it cool, do not attempt to contact her, and let her intitate the next time we hang out... which might not be for 1, 2, or 3 weeks....

2) Shoot her an email or call her up and ask her what the deal with us is. If I did this.. what would I say.. how should I approach the subject???

3) Talk to her best friend whom I have known longer than Erin and ask her what the deal with Erin is. If I do this, what would I say.. how to approach the issue? This also has a pretty high chance of whatever I say getting back to Erin...

4) Start to date other girls and at the same time let her know this subtly. I can subtly let her know I am doing this through AOL Instant messenger of which she uses religiously and I know she will see it. WHen I go out with a girl, I can be like "out on a hot date!!" or something stupid/corny like that in my msg.

5) Next Her????

6) Something else???

Right now I am just confused as to what to do and until I know for sure and b/c of all the stuff we have done I do not feel comfortable dating/hooking up with another girl.

Thanks guys.

 

[jiza101]

ONEITIS
dw man ive had it to ESCAPE

 

[MindOverMatter]

You've been with this girl for 4 months and you haven't had sex with her yet? What are you waiting for?

Her avoiding you is a sign of declining interest. Since she keeps putting you off and being busy all the time for you, this is raising your interest level to the point where you may be subconciously clingy.

My advice is to back off, break off all contact with her (block her on AOL) and don't contact her until she contacts you. Since this may take a couple of weeks, go and date other girls. Don't tell her about it, your absence on AOL will speak louder then any away message. She will always wonder as to whether or not you are seeing other girls etc, but wont know for sure until she calls you and asks you what you have been up to.

This is where you start playing hard to get. When she asks what you have been up to, make up some crazy fun story that involves parties, clubs etc (basically a place where the chances of you hooking up with someone are high, but don't ever let her know you hooked up or didn't). Then tell her that you're kinda in the middle of something, and that now is not the best time to talk, and tell her you'll talk to her some other time. (Don't say you'll call etc, just say you'll talk to her some other time). Then don't call. Wait till she calls again, in the meantime date other girls. On her 2nd phone call, talk a bit longer with her, if she tries to make plans turn her down and tell them you'll call her and rescheduale whenever you get some free time.

This should raise her interest level to the point where she's starved for your attention and will want it badly. Don't give it to her all at once, do it slowly, little by little. If it doesn't raise her interest level, at least you'll be with other girls and wont turn into a clingy oneitis'ed shell of a man.

 

[California Love]

Yea, it looks like its time to move on man. One thing you noticed was that most of her friends are guys. In the future, this should always bring up a warning flag.

 

[Barbillus]

Solid advice MindOverMatter. Thanks!

This is the first time I have gone more than 2 months consistently with a chick since my first GF and that had lasted two months then she went psycho on me. Havent dated anyone or put AS MUCH effort into someone else in a couple years as I have to this girl. (I have however hooked up a lot in the college party scene in between.. but most of those were ONS type things.)

I've come very close to having sex with her.. so insanely close that we have practically done it. Thing is, she is a virgin so I was taking it slow w/ her saying we will wait for the "right moment" when the subj. was brought up once. I was however the first guy she ever blew and I was the first guy to ever go down on her (props to me!!!). Let me tell you, it is a great feeling when you have to teach a girl how to blow you!!! hahah! But I was planning on next time we had a good hookup session to get her so hot she just couldnt resist having sex. (there are some great warming up the oven tips in the bible!!)

Anyhow. The problem with my age group and below is that everyone uses AIM to communicate.. so I cant block her.. cause she is the nerdy type(she seems to live by AIM) and will figure out eventually that I did and I dont want to fuel her with this. HOWEVER on the latest version of AIM you can go invisible and remain online.. so I plan to just do that instead for a very long time. She wont even know I am online, and I can still communicate w/ my other friends when I need to. We'll see what happens as she is probably use to always knowing what I am doing via my away message.

I will follow the rest of your advice to the T and when I call her back after she tries to make plans I will do it a week or two later and do it on my time. Perhaps in 5 or 6 weeks time her IL will be back up to where it was the first two months.

I will also be sure to start dating other girls in the meantime. I need a rebound hookup just to make me feel better. OH yea.. Barbillus is on the prowl.. watch out ladies!!

 

[Playboi0323]

If you didn't get no play after you took her to the prom, I would quit her like a bad habit. Just stay friends and use networks through her to eventually try your game on her friends. Maybe that will even help on getting rid of the ONE-ITIS you have and have the girl want to see/talk to you more. Bottom line: You can't win them all but Good Luck !

 

[Barbillus]

Playboi.. I have been getting TONS of play from her. I was hooking up with her by the second date. After a few times, I have even been the first to go down on her and I taught her how to give a BJ!! haha!

Just lately there has been some red flags. MindOverMatter I think said exactly what I need to do. But thanks to everyone else so far that has replied.

 

[Playboi0323]

Sorry. Too be honest with you, I just skimmed through the thread, but let me read through it again.

On another note... Is she still a virgin? Do you know?

 

[Sato21m]

As an old Dj said once you fvcked her early in the relationship you will decided if you still with her or not. In other words you ****ed her early in the game and you got it man and eve more that she is a virgin and that was your lost you took too long to make your move.

My gf was a virgin and she gave it to me in almost 2 months i had to teach her everything and evrytime i was with her i make her horny and leave her thinking about it we still goin out and has been a yeah and 2 months ever since.

So the point is once you bang her fast you got the control.

 

[Barbillus]

Playboy:
Yes she still is a virgin, although like I said we have come INSANELY close. I mean my dyck has been all over that area, just not "in" her.


Dayron:
Great point. I totally agree that the quicker you bang a girl in a relationship the more she wants you and the more control you have. Its best to do it early on.
For the period of April- End of May when I was still livign at school, we hooked up many times and always were fooling around every time. During that time period I went down on her, and I was the first guy she ever let do that.
Then I moved home about 2 hrs away...
But, during the summer when she came to visit me, she gave me a BJ, and that was her first and I had to teach her. I got her hot enough to make her want to do that to me and she told me at the time that I must be very special to get her to do that to a guy. At the time she didnt exactly like the idea of havign to put a guys dyck in her mouth.
So that basically happenned.. and the rest of the details are in my original post.

 

[Sato21m]

you have to understand that this girls are not mature enough and since you moved away with out leaving a mark on her that will remind you alot she will get bored of that away relationship that you guys had.
Notice that when you ****e her in her head that is something very speacial and has a lot of commitments, also since you were the first one the fact u were away was gonna be justified because guys had sex.

 

[Barbillus]

Dayron.. I am not quite sure exactly the point you are trying to get across???

 

[Barbillus]

UPDATE

Ok Guys I thought I would drop in with a little update on this chick. Thanks for listening. There have been some interesting developments and I need some more advice. If you havent done so already, please read my original post so you can figure out what type of chick this is and what has already happenned.

So I took MindOverMatter's advice. Since she is the huge computer type nerd that litterally lives over AIM, and since it was the primary mode of conversation we used, I blocked her on AOL for almost 3 weeks and completely cut off contact from her.
No phone call whatsoever from her. So at this point I'm like whatever and decide to unblock her just to see what happens.
-Within one minute of unblocking her I get an IM from her. I let her sweat it out for about 8 minutes before I respond. It was short convo - how are you - good. etc. I then said I am busy and have to go and logged off. I then put her back on the block list for almost another week.
-6 or so days later I decide to unblock her again and as predicted I am instant messaged within seconds of signing online. I took MindOverMatter's advice this time and when she asks me what I have been up to I mentioned to her some of the "fun" stuff I have been doing at places where there is a high chance of me hooking up, but I never actually say I did. I end the conversation.
-It is early October now... over the next 3 weeks I keep her unblocked, but limit my time on AOL more so she doesnt know what I am doing from my away messages. I get IMed by her about once every 3-5 days. A few of these conversations are pretty meaty like they use to be. But we never set up any actual dates. I am just continuing to play it cool waiting for her to initiate a date. She doesnt.

Now this is where it gets REALLY interesting.

1) -This past weekend was my school homecoming and about one week before I was planning to go down I put in my profile that I am going to be at my school on days X, Y, and Z. I did this on one level to let her know when I would be there(cause I knew she would see it) and to see if she would try to want to hang out.
-Two nights during the week leading up to homecoming she puts up a very interesting away message at night and when she is sleeping which is out of the norm for her. Almost like she is trying to communicate to me through the away message.
-Basically the away message was a copy of an IM conversation she had with one of her friends and its basically her friend giving her a pep talk and telling her to feel better and not worry about someone(could this "someone" be me?) who may be bitter about something or have a problem with her.
-The night before I left the same away message goes up again, but this time she is thanking some of her friends for "consoling her" and then saying how she still needs a "hug."

Now could this be about me? Read on...

2) I arrive at school on Thursday night. I go out drinking with some of my boys and I become pretty drunk.
-At around 11:30PM I am in the bar and my phone rings. It is her. The bar is loud and packed so I answer my phone and just yell into it that "Ill call you back." I go to a quiet part of the bar and call her back about 5 minutes later.
-I call her back and we chit chat for about 5 minutes. She tells me how she read my "away message" that I am at school for the weekend and was very suprised that I didnt call her to tell her I was coming. I am pretty drunk at this point so I just blow it off like this was no big deal and that I would "probably have called her" We flirt on the phone I keep much of the convo very sexual and I do things like remind her how cute she is, she does the same to me. etc. etc. etc. I tell her I have to get back to drinking - I have her laughing a lot the whole convo - and I invite her to come to a couple homecoming events this weekend to hang out with me. She happily agrees and conversation ends.

-After the bar closes I go to my buddy's place and log on his computer. I check her away message and it says soemthing like "I am once again happy with the world again.. sleeping"
I am thinkign wtf? Could this be about me... could the depressing away msges she had up earlier in the week be because I havent been calling her/contacting her and didnt let her know I would be in her area?

3) Anyhow for the next 2 days we are constantly calling or txt msging one another trying to figure out where we can meet up to hang out. She is initiating contact the vast majority of the time. "WHere are you?" "What are you doing now?" etc. my phone bleeps with a msg like this almost every hour. Since I am tied between my friends and she is very busy with her events she is in for homecoming our time is limited and we manage to hang out for short periods of time here and there throughout the weekend. I basically made her my fourth prioty this weekend and played hard to get the whole time. It went 1. Friends. 2. Beer. 3. Food. 4. Chick hahah


-On Friday night before going to bed we have a very long phone conversation at like 2AM. I am at my buddies place, she is in her room in bed. We talk for almost an hour about a lot of stuff... we even tentatively schedule a date over her next break for her to come to my house for a few days. At one point in the convo she is talking about all the times we hooked up and how fun they were... I just agree with her.
Then at another point in the conversation she expressed her suprise that I didnt tell her i was comign to school. I told her whatever and then she said "well it wasnt really a big deal to me blah blah blah" but I could tell she was lying through her teeth by the tone in her voice and because she mentioned a little bit earlier to me how the other night she couldnt sleep at all. (This was the same night of the depressing away msges and was the night before i arrived at school)
I just played dumb and said "well if you knew you were going to have trouble sleeping, then you should have tried to go to bed earlier".. and just changed the subject to something positive.
But basically when I hung up the phone.. I am like "This girl is now giving me 100% positive signs again"


Now... Despite all the positive things that just happenned above then the big screw up on my part and red flag on her part happened to me for the weekend with her. I was pretty hammerred on Saturday since I had been drinking all day, and we hung out that morning which was fun as she looked hot for me. In the afternoon she called me again when she was done with the football game, I was suppose to go watch her dance since she was in it. (I was also suppose to go to the game and say hi to her parents who were going to be there. For this part I told her no, b/c I was going to be drunk, but I said I would watch her show in halftime.) I told her "I would make it to the game to watch you" and of course I didnt. (I was too drunk and the party was at the tailgate in the parking lot anyway). Anyhow while she was obviously covering it up, she seemed displeased that I did not attend the halftime show for 15 min to watch her in it when she asked me to do one thing for her. I was like "whatever." I told her I would call her after I ate dinner with my boys and that we were going to hang out that night. I call her after dinner and IM like "whats going on? lets hang out" She responds "I dont know whats going on tonight, there isnt much going on - my "friend" wants me to watch movie ABC with HIM - so I am going to do that" So in my now partially drunken stupor I was like "well whatever, so you dont wanna hang out?" I got the same answer from her again and she added "Just go hang out with your friends!!" I basically then cut her off and said "are you serious - Well Whatever" and hung up on her. I then txt her 5 min later and was like "You really send me mixed signals"
And I havent spoken with her since or gotten any response. That was Saturday evening.

Now I dont know what to do now.. everything was going awesome.. but then I think I kind of blew it when I didnt go watch her in her show for fifteen minutes. I think she didnt like that and it was downhill from there....

Its obvious I really have oneitus for this chick or else I wouldnt be posting here. I think she still likes me too after a lot of the stuff that happenned for the first part of the weekend. But I think I just messed up by not watching her show when she specifically asked me to and that caused the red flag to happen.

What should I do now?

I am thinking about sending her a quick email because I just need to know what she wants as it is really bugging me... and I want to date this girl LTR.. and we kind of have been so far.. but not lately... Let me know what you guys think of this email:

"Ok I am going to keep this as brief as possible. I need to know what your deal is so if you could just shoot me an email back or give me a call about this that would be great.

So here goes: Ever since you went back to school, I am only sometimes feeling that vibe from you from when I first started to take you out last spring. And this weekend was another mix of the above.

The bottom line is that I have a really good time when hanging out w/ you and if you’re still interested, I want to see you a lot more - a lot more. And after a little while – who knows - maybe it will lead to something more official.

-Barbillus"

 

[Barbillus]

Is this letter too AFC? How should I fix it? Keep it the same? Not send at all? Call her instead? How should I approach the subject? Personally, I prefer the email, but I can do either.

I know tihs chick is very shy and very passive... I have been really playing hard to get lately and I think it is getting to her.. I just messed up at the end of this weekend. I mean I even ran into her best friend this weekend and she told me how I should bring Erin to a formal I am going to next Spring down in that area. Its like it was coordinated, her friend brought the subject up and told me I should take Erin.

 

[squirrels]

I was gonna read this, but after skimming and seeing the extreme volume of text on this thread, I know it's a lost cause.

L8r man.

 

[Barbillus]

Well its a very unique and complicated situation for me and I am dealing with a chick who is very inexperienced dating/hooking up... so i dont know if DJness applies to her as it does to other chicks.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by Barbillus
Well its a very unique and complicated situation for me and I am dealing with a chick who is very inexperienced dating/hooking up... so i dont know if DJness applies to her as it does to other chicks.

OK...I'll read this and humor you...let's see how "unique and complicated" the situation really is.

 

[golf299]

this is very easy: negative on the email.

i think i read something about you '"tenatively" setting up a date with her or something... (oh yeah, here's a hint: keep your posts a lot shorter in the future) anyway, set up a solid date with her, see is she commits. if she does, great. if not, next her. on the date increase the kino and get the kiss...that should answer all your questions.

 

[squirrels]

OK...your situation is not "unique" or "complicated" at all. You had a great relationship with a girl, but then she went away to college. She hardly sees you any more and she's being exposed to ALL KINDS of new people, male and female.

Do you REALLY think that ALL of the guys she talks to are "AFCs"? Do you think there are no REAL men in college for her to get hung up on? She has needs, she's discovering herself, and she wants to experience the world and not be tied down by someone at home. The fact that it's YOU and you're "such a DJ" is the only thing that even keeps her coming around.

And then your update...you did EXACTLY the right thing, got her hooked again, and then TOOK IT TO AN EXTREME and BLEW IT!!

When you start playing off of a girl to make her give chase, you're supposed to make yourself scarce and have other things going on in your life. You're NOT supposed to make dates and break them or start treating her like sh!t. There's a difference between having a life of your own and disrespecting her. When you start disappearing, she starts to wonder whether SHE needs to give more or whether you're just being an @sshole. So she gave more to see what happened and you just took it further. So now she's thinking you're an @sshole. Way to overanalyze.

And no, "sorry" will just make you look like a pathetic pu$$y at this point.

What you need to do is STOP. Hit the brakes for a second here. You need to STOP trying to analyze phonecall frequencies, AIM away messages, and all this other retarded sh!t. STOP trying to plan out all these clever strategies and being all insecure about your "manhood." REAL men don't WORRY about whether they're doing the "Don Juan" thing or not. They KNOW what they want and they DO it.

So first, decide what YOU want. Let's assume, just for the sake of argument and getting away from all this analysis bullsh!t, that this girl is still into you and is just wondering why you've been so aloof and ignorant lately.

If you like her and want to keep going with her, then take her to the damn formal and stop screwing around. No, you don't have to apologize or beg or anything. You don't have to buy her any gifts or try to compensate. You were just being you and you ****ed up. It's part of who you are and if she can't deal with it then f**k her. But if you want to take her to the dance then do it. Stop wondering "how you should play it". Stop wondering if you should act ****y or neghit her or play hard-to-get or whatever. Just take her to the damn dance and be your usual, charming, masculine, Don-Juannish self. The one that got her in the first place.

If you DON'T want to keep going with her, then sit her down and tell her you think BOTH of you should see other people. You're doing both YOURSELF and HER a big injustice if you're keeping her around when you wanna be experiencing other women.

Your biggest problem here is that no matter what "tactic" you employ, you still have no faith in yourself. You're of the belief that you DON'T have what it takes to hold on to this girl. And that's BS and we ALL know it...or you wouldn't have gotten her in the FIRST place.

This is NEVER over. You're never going to look at her one day and say to yourself, "I got her. I WIN." The game goes on and on and on forever...that's where the FUN lies. You've forgotten how much fun it is to play that game and now you look at it as a chore, a war you have to fight to keep your girl. STOP doing that. STOP trying to determine your "progress" or analyze your "success" with this trick or that attitude. Drop all the insecurities and all the fear and just PLAY THE GAME. Bring the game to her and let her know you're interested in playing again...that you're not scared of losing her, you're not angry or being a d!ck to her, you're not in "love" with her, you don't take her for granted...

Let her know that YOU want to keep dancing this dance of romance with her. And DANCE. Stop trying to remember your steps...just close your eyes, catch the rhythm, and DANCE.

Jesus Tapdancing Christ!

 

[Barbillus]

Solid Post squirrels thanks for the advice.

To clarify some things.

-We dated at the end of college, and then we did long distance during the summer. Then she went back to college, and I started getting red flags. That lead to the original post. The itnersting thing about when we were hooking up and dating at the end of school and during the summer was that we never talked about exclusitivity. I was waitign for her to bring it up....
WHen I saw her this weekend, I dunno, it seemed liek her interest was back up to where it use to be, but then I made a mistake by not wanting to go watch her in her show for fifteen minutes..

And you are right, with my update I got her hooked again and blew it by taking it to the extreme.

-This next formal(not the one I originally took her too back in May) isnt until Febuary or March of 2005. When her best friend brought it up, she was referring to that and told me I should ask her when the time comes. But seriosly that is several months off, right now I want to focus on the next month or two with this chick.

-The vast majority of her friends are AFCs. In college I was the popular kid, the frat guy look kid. She hangs out with a certain niche of people on campus that just are all... herbs. THey are AFCs, they are girly-men.. they are those type of people. I mean this is a chick who doesnt even drink and I am one of the biggest partiers on the weekend. Hopefully that gave some perspective as to our social circles. She also is a vrgin. That is a big plus, and I know that she is not a slvtty girl either. I was her first BJ and the first guy to go down on her. I taught her how to do both this summer.

I need to figure out what to do now and what I want is to continue to date her, she is only 2 hrs away from me. And once I move out of home, I will be even closer, depending on where I live. So I can see this being an LTR for sometime if it all works out.

So what is the best way to let her know that I want to keep dancing the dance of romance with her? I dont want to come across AFC.....
This is all new territory for me.

Thanks for the post squirrels.