Anecdotal Poll: G/F's shaky public behavior

[JohnJones]

There was a thread a few weeks back about what would make you dump a girl immediately. This got me to thinking about something that happened the other night with the girl I am seeing.

We were at an informal afterwork event that turned into a hard-drinking night. Because I am still getting out of a LTR (and she was too) it is not commonly known that we are involved. Traditionally, when we party with the office folks, we wait it out to the end so as not to leave so obviously together.

About the time that bars in Pittsburgh close (2 am), she and I and a friend co-worker of ours, as well as some other guys who had been in the group, were tremendously drunk, and she proceeded to flirt with these other guys:

- showing hip tan-lines from recent vacation (hiking up the dress at the hip)
-sitting on laps
-clasping hands with them around her waist, on her hips.

This went on with each of them.

I was not amused and went to get a cab (I can't honestly say I would have left her there). She followed me out, and the antics that followed were silly: she screamed at me for not paying attention to her, demanded to know what the status of my LTR was (what position did the other woman hold at this point), said she hated playing second fiddle, similar things.

She said "I am falling in love with you."

I am comfortable that I handled my discipline issues well (I don't judge but I will view the behavior for what it was and factor it in, I told her) the next day.

We have had sex probably a dozen times in the last 7-8 weeks (she made me wait for a pretty long time). I have 2 other girls who know nothing of each other and I am not up to the strain of being spread so thin (this is not a joke, I want a comfortable, nice relationship).

I expect that I know what most folks will say here, and I know how I feel, but I am curious about what the market response is. I have been too sensitive about things like this in the past.

How would you respond (externally) to the girl (break up, etc.)?

 

[NewMan]

????

wait a minute. Didn't you say in your post:

Because I am still getting out of a LTR (and she was too) it is not commonly known that we are involved. Traditionally, when we party with the office folks, we wait it out to the end so as not to leave so obviously together

Also

I have 2 other girls who know nothing of each other and I am not up to the strain of being spread so thin (this is not a joke, I want a comfortable, nice relationship).

Seems to me like you want you cake and you want to eat it. You guys are not exclusive, hell it doesn't even look like anyone knows you two are screwing. In fact that seems like it's all it is. Your Screwing this chick, and she obviously wants more. Thats why she acted the way she did, to make you jealous. It certainly made you think. You knew you were going to go home with her that night (and probably Fvck) - so why would you worry about what she was doing UNLESS - you are jealous or do want more.

Sounds like you need to figure out what you want.

She's just a Fvck right now for you, so enjoy it. Personally, I'd let her do whatever the hell she wanted to do - I'm the one screwing her that night, no one else.
Of course if you think she's LTR material (which I don't think you do, I just think your being possesive) then you'd better step up to the plate.

 

[Albion2]

1) She was flirting with other guys as an attempt to get you to pay more attention to her.

If you're not dating or seeing each other then why are you upset? The fact that you did get upset most likely means that you do feel something for her. Just because you just got out of an LTR doesn't mean you can't fall for another girl. If you like her, all it means is that you have to pay attention to her instead of your Ex. Hell, a new girl is always the best way to get over an old one.

It sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to have multiple women to date but you don't want them to have multiple men. My suggestion is to get off your ass and make a decision about who you want to spend more time with, or not get upset if you see them flirting with other guys. Don't be possessive because in the end you'll have nothing.

At this point you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. She’s given you an ultimatum; either you take this relationship to the next level or it's over. Or in other words, "I like you and I don't want to waste any more of my time without a commitment."


How would I respond?

It all depends on how I felt about her. You say you've been seeing her for at least 7 to 8 weeks, that's far more then enough time for me to get over any LTR that's less then 10 years. If I liked her and she was semi-sane (My problem at the moment) I'd probably move the relationship a step further. If I didn't like her in that manner then I'd tell it that I didn't think we were both ready for a relationship, which would most likely send her packin'.

-al

 

[JohnJones]

Thanks to you both.

I am pretty clear that I want her as an exclusive, LTR (I've felt that for a long time), and without establishing that expressly, I think we are exclusive (to the extent possible).

But how I feel should be tempered with the information available.

We have been socially active for about 8 months, sexually for about 2 (the death rattles of the other LTRs).

She has cheated on boyfriends in the past and she has been a tree-swinger. I have not been perfect in my time either.

My issue is, the whole night would have been sweet (her pouring out her heart, while alchohol soaked) and so forth outside of her flirting.

I am asking was her behavior too questionnable in everyone's opinion to be a LTR? My gut says I don't want to see that kind of thing again and I don't want to be concerned about what happens when I am not around.

 

[The Real Deal]

" She has cheated on boyfriends in the past and she has been a tree-swinger"


What's your gut reaction to this?


" My gut says I don't want to see that kind of thing again and I don't want to be concerned about what happens when I am not around. "


So, what's your question again? Oh, yeah.

" I am asking was her behavior too questionnable in everyone's opinion to be a LTR? "

Ok, which part?


"and she proceeded to flirt with these other guys:

- showing hip tan-lines from recent vacation (hiking up the dress at the hip)
-sitting on laps
-clasping hands with them around her waist, on her hips.

This went on with each of them. "


Or?


"she screamed at me for not paying attention to her, demanded to know what the status of my LTR was (what position did the other woman hold at this point), said she hated playing second fiddle, similar things.

She said "I am falling in love with you." "


You didn't say what you said, did you say anything?

 

[JohnJones]

I told her that I thought it was questionable, but that it wasn't really my issue: if she wanted to act that way, that's entirely up to her.

I said that all I do is factor such things into whether I want something more with a person.

Addtionally, I indicated calmly that I was not mad, since that's not my typical response (I do not break from calm too often), but rather a little disappointed.

 

[Albion2]

It may not have been appropriate, but it was typical. It's called a test, all women do it; she was testing you to see your interest level, to see how you'd react. And her actions outside were typical for what your reaction was. She saw that you were truly interested in her because you got jealous and left. And what she said outside was basically, "Ok, I know you're interested in me, you know I'm interested in you, why the f<beep>k aren't you doing something about it???" You’re the man, men are expected to be the aggressor!

So what she's cheated on guys before, you've done it to. As we get older, and we never get younger, our characters grow, we see the err of our ways, we start to realize the mistakes we've made. That's exactly what live and learn is all about. Just because she did it when she was younger doesn't mean she's going to do it again with you. But if you keep playing Mr. Wishy Washy and don't tell her how you feel, she IS going to be gone.

-al

 

[The Real Deal]

Albion 2, I agree with the first part about the test. But the second part is questionable, I just read your reply in another thread,



"If she's going to breakup with her current for you, who's going to get her to break up with you.

Whether it's cheating or breaking up. If a girl leaves her current for you then she's going to do it again.


-al "



So I really don't understand your point here,


"Just because she did it when she was younger doesn't mean she's going to do it again with you. "

 

[NewMan]

Go for it.

I agree with Albion;

I've cheated several times in the past - I'm not proud of it, but it's a fact. What has that done for me? It's opened my eyes - opened my eyes to the kind of woman I want, and how I want to be treated (with respect and honesty).

I know one thing, I will not cheat on someone ever again. That look in her eyes when she finds out, my guilt and dissapointment in myself.

people change and grow up. You can't hold a past mistake over someones head, thats just not right. We've all made mistakes, I'm certainly not going to be judgmental and avoid a relationship that truly has possibilities just because someone has err'd in their past.

Of course, everyone has their opinion on this.