Analysis

[chuchu]

In summary, a couple of months ago I was on a road trip with this wonderful 24 years old girl for 10 days. She is beautiful, have a good personality, good sense of humor... all in all she seems to be the girl that I would want to be in a long term with. After the 3rd day everything seems perfect, we hold hands, kisses, sex, and we had hell of a time together. She seems to like me very much.

After the trip she message, "I miss you and miss the time we had together." Then I asked her how she felt about me. She said she doesn't have any feelings for me, she still "love" her ex. duh! (They broke up over 3 years already)

Never happen to me before. That was a suprise. I got burned to the ground

 

[Purple-Haze]

In summary, a couple of months ago I was on a road trip with this wonderful 24 years old girl for 10 days. She is beautiful, have a good personality, good sense of humor... all in all she seems to be the girl that I would want to be in a long term with. After the 3rd day everything seems perfect, we hold hands, kisses, sex, and we had hell of a time together. She seems to like me very much.

After the trip she message, "I miss you and miss the time we had together." Then I asked her how she felt about me. She said she doesn't have any feelings for me, she still "love" her ex. duh! (They broke up over 3 years already)

Never happen to me before. That was a suprise. I got burned to the ground

If she left you a message stating that she missed you and missed the time you spent together, why did you go on to ask how she felt about you?

 

[MacAvoy]

Sounds like the perfect FB to me. At 24, you can't really expect too much from her anyway. Just don't get any more emotional attachment. Start seeing other women as well and in the future stop being AFC and asking about feelings.

 

[Colossus]

In summary, a couple of months ago I was on a road trip with this wonderful 24 years old girl for 10 days. She is beautiful, have a good personality, good sense of humor... all in all she seems to be the girl that I would want to be in a long term with. After the 3rd day everything seems perfect, we hold hands, kisses, sex, and we had hell of a time together. She seems to like me very much.

After the trip she message, "I miss you and miss the time we had together." Then I asked her how she felt about me. She said she doesn't have any feelings for me, she still "love" her ex. duh! (They broke up over 3 years already)

Never happen to me before. That was a suprise. I got burned to the ground

That's your que to WALK AWAY, my friend. Dont look back. It happens.

 

[Nelford]

When you ask how she felt about you, you were dead in the water. Next time let her ask you.

 

[chuchu]

If she left you a message stating that she missed you and missed the time you spent together, why did you go on to ask how she felt about you?

I thought everything was perfect so I took another step. Yea that was AFC, I should not have ask her that, but I didn't think that was a very big mistake, or is it? I didn't want to be in the Friends or FB zone so I had to cross the line somewhere.

I told myself that if she does something like that just for fun, then shes not worth it anyway.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I thought everything was perfect so I took another step. Yea that was AFC, I should not have ask her that, but I didn't think that was a very big mistake, or is it? I didn't want to be in the Friends or FB zone so I had to cross the line somewhere.

I told myself that if she does something like that just for fun, then shes not worth it anyway.

I don't subscribe to the DJ mentality really... Also, I'm a woman.

So take anything I say with that in mind.

You could have broached the topic so that you don't get friend-zoned BUT it could have been done another way. By asking her how she feels about you, you're giving her the chance to say pretty much anything she wants. It is an open-ended question that is weak and almost weepy. It's not strong, assertive or masculine (if this is what you were going for).

It also gives her the idea that you are very much into this and therefore she can say whatever she likes, that she has her options - you want her and she can take it or leave it (knowing someone is ready and available can decrease your IL, I think).

Remember, she needs to see that you are worth her time, that you are a worthy partner.

Example:

HER: I missed you and miss our time together.
YOU: Is that so?
HER: Yeah
YOU: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

Now since you leave it at that, she'll either continue by asking you another question to get something out of you or she'll go quiet (but she will be wondering what this means...why you didn't say anything...did you have a good time? should she say something more, etc).

 

[Colossus]

I don't subscribe to the DJ mentality really...

Are you sure? I dont know if you are clear on what a true DJ is all about.

Your advice to CHUCHU was pretty congruent with what many of us would say.

CHUCHU- As by now Im sure you realize, asking a woman how she feels about you is a rookie blunder. It is insecure, shows you have no other options, and in doing so you automatically hand the frame over to her. I doubt you will do that again...so lesson learned.

That being said, she flat-out told you she is still "in love" with her ex of 3 years ago, and that she has no feelings for you. Now if she went on a 10-day trip with you and slept with you the whole time, I doubt that is 100% true; but regardless, you have clearly developed feelings for HER, and it doesnt appear to be reciprocal.

I will tell you--and any one here worth his salt would second this--WALK AWAY from this woman. If she chooses to come back to you, then that is her choice. But take it from someone who has learned the hard way. Save your dignity and walk. There is an abundance of high-IL women out there that you havent met.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Are you sure? I dont know if you are clear on what a true DJ is all about.

Your advice to CHUCHU was pretty congruent with what many of us would say.

CHUCHU- As by now Im sure you realize, asking a woman how she feels about you is a rookie blunder. It is insecure, shows you have no other options, and in doing so you automatically hand the frame over to her. I doubt you will do that again...so lesson learned.

That being said, she flat-out told you she is still "in love" with her ex of 3 years ago, and that she has no feelings for you. Now if she went on a 10-day trip with you and slept with you the whole time, I doubt that is 100% true; but regardless, you have clearly developed feelings for HER, and it doesnt appear to be reciprocal.

I will tell you--and any one here worth his salt would second this--WALK AWAY from this woman. If she chooses to come back to you, then that is her choice. But take it from someone who has learned the hard way. Save your dignity and walk. There is an abundance of high-IL women out there that you havent met.

Well I'm pretty new here. I don't really know enough about it to say that I agree with it in its entirety. However, when it comes to male-female communication, I have to agree with a lot of it.

OP, when a girl mentions her ex (in this particular context) it's either because she genuinely does still love him and misses him OR she is just putting it out there while she ponders your worth. It's an excuse. "I'm still in love with my ex" sometimes really means, "I think I may like you but we'll see...I don't want to give you a strong no, but I don't want to show too much interest either...so we'll see...prove to me that you're worth my time."

And as the previous poster said, by asking her how she felt about you, you are essentially telling her that you have no options and you want her right now (which therefore makes her wonder, "do I really want you...look how easy you are to get). Of course, if the chemistry is strong, this may not matter...but still...it makes you come off as you looking to her for some kind of reinforcement (which, to a woman who values a man's masculinity, isn't too attractive).

At this stage, you want to build attraction (obviously, there has to be basic interest and some chemistry). You were not doing that.

Mind you, there is nothing wrong with asking the Q that you did. It was just premature and not appropriate given what preceded it (her telling you that she did in fact miss you, etc).

 

[guru1000]

Example:

HER: I missed you and miss our time together.
YOU: Is that so?
HER: Yeah
YOU: I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

Now since you leave it at that, she'll either continue by asking you another question to get something out of you or she'll go quiet (but she will be wondering what this means...why you didn't say anything...did you have a good time? should she say something more, etc).

For Anti-DJ, you would certainly make a good Don Juan.

Hey CHU CHU,

You validated her SHORT of an EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT.

You are not EXCLUSIVE with this girl. What RIGHT do you have to ask her how she feels about you?

Not only is that WEAK, but you TOTALLY subject CONTROL of the FRAME to her. And with this, it is already OVER.

You might have well just said "You had me at HELLO". What were you looking for VALIDATION?

Let the WOMAN come to you with these questions. Lesson learned; Move on.

 

[chuchu]

Yep, I agree with everyone, I should have known that. It was weird for me to know for being the girl that she is, she doesnt have feelings and still slept with me.

I was into this girl and I lost control of my feelings. Learned my lesson. Thanks for your thoughts everyone, it wont happen again.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Yep, I agree with everyone, I should have known that. It was weird for me to know for being the girl that she is, she doesnt have feelings and still slept with me.

I was into this girl and I lost control of my feelings. Learned my lesson. Thanks for your thoughts everyone, it wont happen again.

Chuchu, I don't necessarily see this as getting burned. This woman is obviously extremely honest. That's a good thing. Are you reading too much into this?

If you had not developed an emotional attachment with this gal, I'd recommend just having fun with her. Enjoy the sex, and the time you spend with her for what it is...and realize, that women come and go through your life. Just enjoy her for her, and not get attached.

You just got to be able to handle that type of thing though..without getting attached to her.

 

[guru1000]

Chuchu, I don't necessarily see this as getting burned. This woman is obviously extremely honest. That's a good thing. Are you reading too much into this?

If you had not developed an emotional attachment with this gal, I'd recommend just having fun with her. Enjoy the sex, and the time you spend with her for what it is...and realize, that women come and go through your life. Just enjoy her for her, and not get attached.

You just got to be able to handle that type of thing though..without getting attached to her.

I don't agree with this.

Any man with self respect would walk away at this point.

Yes, he put himself out there. Regardless she responded " I have no feelings for you, I still love my X".

IF the man has options why would he WASTE more time into a speculative investment. He can have a good time and fun with any other woman; he certainly does not need this one.

This was the jist of my NEXTing Myth. Too many MEN get hung up on overlooking DISRESPECT by justifying their intentions only to have fun.

What they should do is NEXT to have fun with the many other viable OPTIONS who will show respect.

 

[Mr.Positive]

This post exactly why you do not bring up "feelings" with a woman. She must first.

Any man with self respect would walk away at this point.

Yes, he put himself out there. Regardless she responded " I have no feelings for you, I still love my X".

Right, that's what she "said". But what did she do, she just returned from a 10 day road-trip where they had a great time together, sex, and everything. Her actions show she enjoys his company.

She didn't really disrespect him as I see, she was just being honest.

I think he should not take her seriously. If he can do that, I see no reason to walk. Just drop the whole issue, keep seeing her for fun. Definitely see other women though too.

 

[guru1000]

This post exactly why you do not bring up "feelings" with a woman. She must first.

Right, that's what she "said". But what did she do, she just returned from a 10 day road-trip where they had a great time together, sex, and everything. Her actions show she enjoys his company.

She didn't really disrespect him as I see, she was just being honest.

I think he should not take her seriously. If he can do that, I see no reason to walk. Just drop the whole issue, keep seeing her for fun. Definitely see other women though too.

You are right in the sense that ACTION is KEY. But RESPECT comes in action and words.

I could not keep contact after this point because:

1) The Frame is Damaged
2) He is operating from lower value
3) She is VALIDATED

This is a position of WEAKNESS. When in a position of weakness , RETREAT and regroup.

This would be a permanent retreat for me. I would invest my energies in women who WILL reciprocate my interest overtly and covertly.

 

[Mr.Positive]

I could not keep contact after this point because:

1) The Frame is Damaged
2) He is operating from lower value
3) She is VALIDATED

This is a position of WEAKNESS. When in a position of weakness , RETREAT and regroup.

This would be a permanent retreat for me. I would invest my energies in women who WILL reciprocate my interest overtly and covertly.

Good point Guru, this whole situation might not be worth trying to salvage.

The whole nexting in this situation seems funny to me though, almost like a kid sulking because he didn't get a fuzzy-wuzzy, goochy goochy answer from her.

If this gal does contact the OP, I would just treat her like no "feelings" convo even happened. Just to test how badly damaged the frame really is.

Regardless, it's probably better to not waste any time and energy on her.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

After the trip she message, "I miss you and miss the time we had together." Then I asked her how she felt about me. She said she doesn't have any feelings for me, she still "love" her ex. duh! (They broke up over 3 years already)

Awww,.. that's sweet,..

So,.. how are the 4 other girls you're seeing treating you?

 

[joekerr31]

In summary, a couple of months ago I was on a road trip with this wonderful 24 years old girl for 10 days. She is beautiful, have a good personality, good sense of humor... all in all she seems to be the girl that I would want to be in a long term with. After the 3rd day everything seems perfect, we hold hands, kisses, sex, and we had hell of a time together. She seems to like me very much.

After the trip she message, "I miss you and miss the time we had together." Then I asked her how she felt about me. She said she doesn't have any feelings for me, she still "love" her ex. duh! (They broke up over 3 years already)

Never happen to me before. That was a suprise. I got burned to the ground

ARGH!!!!!!!

 

[joekerr31]

In summary, a couple of months ago I was on a road trip with this wonderful 24 years old girl for 10 days. She is beautiful, have a good personality, good sense of humor... all in all she seems to be the girl that I would want to be in a long term with. After the 3rd day everything seems perfect, we hold hands, kisses, sex, and we had hell of a time together. She seems to like me very much.

After the trip she message, "I miss you and miss the time we had together." Then I asked her how she felt about me. She said she doesn't have any feelings for me, she still "love" her ex. duh! (They broke up over 3 years already)

Never happen to me before. That was a suprise. I got burned to the ground

ARGH!!!!!!!

rule number 1: NEVER ask a woman what she feels.
rule number 2: NEVER take at face value what a woman says

 

[woods]

There is the possibility that she said that because she didn't want him to think she liked him too much. I once had a chick pull that on on me for months, only to find out she was in love with me the whole time, but was so scared I would hurt her, she tried to convince herself that I was just a FB.

You made a mistake by asking that question, but you don't necessarily need to worry about it, but dont ignore it either. Just make sure you got your feelings in check, and enjoy the ride.

I met my last real GF five months after her husband DIED. She just wanted me for a FB to move on with her life, and she fell in love with me soon after, even though she didnt want to. It didn't end well, but I hooked the bytch! If you like her, be BETTER than her ex. I also bet that if you walk away, her feelings for you will skyrocket.

Keep that in mind.

Edit: Besides, it's only been 10 days. Give it a little time for christsakes