Am I wrong in thinking this? All advice/opinions welcome

[cordoncordon]

I guess I'm sitting here asking, why is this drama even being brought into the relationship? We just remarked last week how wonderful things have been, and talked about me moving out there and getting engaged.

Blows my mind how women need drama to make things interesting.

 

[RedPill]

I don't think a man should be living with his woman unless its the trial-run for getting married. From what you've posted cordoncordon, it doesn't sound like this is the case with your relationship. If it was, from the minute this opportunity for her came about all the discussion would be centered around the two of you moving together, exploring the new city together, etc. Clearly that hasn't been the case.

All the other posters here who are talking about stepping up and setting some boundaries are absolutely right. There's a complete difference between controlling a woman's wherabouts out of insecurity versus standing up to her when she's crossing the line. Remember that most of the time women are reacting to their emotions and not considering the consequences of their actions. They need to be told what those consequences are. Latinoman phrases this concept well:

In my views...as long as the woman understand those things and is REMINDED of those things...it is up to her to decide her course of action. And the beauty of this is that whichever course of action she takes is the one that would decide if she is worth of her man.

On a side note, this is also why I won't get into a relationship with a career woman. They're too damn independent, and they tend to gravitate toward the Sex and the City ideals. It's not a man's job to follow a chick all over the world. She should be living in his reality, not the other way around.

 

[Phyzzle]

And may I point out that you are in violation of the Iron Rule of Tommassi Look it up.

By moving in, you've taken away all your freedom (as in a marriage), but there is no real expectation of security. This chick could move out all her stuff when you're away from the house, and dissappear, at the drop of a hat. You couldn't even call her rude for doing it! And yet you've (effectively) made all your comings and goings subject to review.

You've been with this girl for two years? And you STILL aren't even sure if she's more important than being around your parents?

Two years is a benchmark: WTF could you possibly know about her you don't know already? Get engaged RIGHT NOW, agree to move there, and say you want to go and check out places to live with her - or break up RIGHT NOW since you're obviously not going anywhere.

You guys are like a couple that goes on six dates, and still aren't sure you have the chemistry to kiss.

Don't worry about this brother's friend, sounds chumpish to me. Just go with her, or break it off. You were talking engagement, right? If you're ready to commit, and she's suddenly not, there's your answer.

~Phyzzle

 

[Phyzzle]

I don't think a man should be living with his woman unless its the trial-run for getting married. From what you've posted cordoncordon, it doesn't sound like this is the case with your relationship. If it was, from the minute this opportunity for her came about all the discussion would be centered around the two of you moving together, exploring the new city together, etc. Clearly that hasn't been the case.

Yeah, RedPill agrees. Your hearts aren't in it.

 

[WestCoaster]

Hey STILL hasn't answered the question of why he isn't moving with her if all he needs is a computer. WTF? Answer the question. You can day trade anywhere.

Couple other things ...

1. After a year you know a woman well enough to marry her. After a year you're wasting your time. Women can also change, you can't gauge that either. A year is enough, after that marry or cut bait.

2. Agree with Rollo ... living with a woman is a waste of time, especially if she's going to pull the B.S. of talking with a strange man for 45 minutes with whom she's never met.

3. This relationship is history if she's moving thousands of miles away. LTR's aren't relationships at all.

... and finally, why don't you move with her? Answer that question da-nit!!

 

[Latinoman]

1. After a year you know a woman well enough to marry her. After a year you're wasting your time. Women can also change, you can't gauge that either. A year is enough, after that marry or cut bait.

I am not going to say that I agree or disagree with the 1 year benchmark (I would need to think more about this). But let says (for argument sake) that I agree. In that case, the year should be from the time both of you are 100% single. My point is; if anyone is going through a divorce or is legally separated (two things that is experienced by LOT of mature individuals that are currently in new relationships), then that time does NOT count toward the year. The year is from the time both are 100% single.

For example...you are legally separated, but are seeing this wonderful woman for 12 month. By the time you are legally divorced, you would have seen this woman for a total of 18 months. The year mark (assuming that's the benchmark) should start AFTER the 18 months, especially if she is the one divorcing. People going through divorces or separation might not show their real self for a number of reasons (many emotional).

 

[Le Parisien]

Ok, just a few thoughts after reading everybody's input that basically covered all the major things.

- Do you "know" her brother, I mean actually having met him, "hanged out' with him, so he's no stranger to you? Is he nice with you? Does he like you? Is he or is he not against your relationship with his sister?
Because it was clearly disrespectful on his part to ask one of his friends to show her around.

- I don't think you can really "blame" your girldfriend, but again just like other have pointed out, it depends on the situation. Are you in your 20s? Or 30s? Or maybe 40s? Because it changes the equation completely.

In your 20s, you are NOT in a hurry to get married. So although people might have a wonderful relationship, career is more important. A $140000 salary is really nice and is pretty hard to come by, while a "wonderful" boyfriend can be "replaced" provided she's young(it's the case in the 20s) and good looking. Plus she's obviously successful, it doesn't hurt.

In their 30s, some start to value relationships more because marriage is on the line. Sure some others don't care. But for women, as they have passed their prime, they know that there are relationships that should be valued more than a lot of other things. No woman want's to be successful but lonely right? In their 30s, even the knockouts in their 20s can't get a great guy "just like that" anymore.

In their 40s, the above process goes even deeper...

I tend to think that if you two are still in your 20s, chances are that she' thinking like this:
1) If he comes with me, then wonderful! Our great relationship goes on on a fresh start, in a new town, a whole new world to discover.
2) He doesn't come with me, no big deal, I'm chasing after my dream, nothig wrong about that. I will find another great guy there and start a new relationship.
3) Either way, it doesn't hurt to already start to know the place and meet new people, especially in case 2), this might end up being real handy...

 

[Un-Aru]

Originally posted by Latinoman

1- A woman that was offered a $130,000 job in the West Coast and has readily accepted is NOT a woman that "freaks out" due to relocation. Many professional American women are VERY independent.

2- Her bro is an arsehole. He knows that she is LIVING with a man. He probably knows that he (poster of this thread) is having doubts about moving there. Therefore, the bro has NO right as to be setting her up with meetings with other men.

3- In fact, if she was "freaking out", then that duty (of putting her at ease) relies with her LIVE in boyfriend.

This guy is NOT controlling. No man should be. However, I feel that he has allowed his girlfriend to act like she is not in an exclusive and commited relationship. People in committed relationships adjust their behavior and even compromise for the best of the relationship. People stop acting single. Especially if they are living together.

I never tell my girlfriend what to do. In fact, she carries the key of the relationship. If she does something that is a deal breaker...then I dump her. It is her fault...not mine. And I made that very clear. If she is doing something that is creating issues to the relationship, I would simply tell her. But would never tell her what to do. She has the key. It is her decision. I will simply react to her decision. But, she cannot read minds, so if something bother's me...I make sure she knows. Although, I'm very careful so she doesn't confuse what I'm saying with "insecurity" or "jealousy". Respect is a huge issue with me.

1. ALL women are insecure a degree and we know it... hell we USE that fact against them. A move to a completely alien environment will only serve to amplify that insecurity.

2. He may be an a**hole, I don't know him. But I do know this... I would do EXACTLY the same thing for my sister. It is however interesting to note that he didn't go through cordoncoron in the first place...

3. F***ing BINGO!!! I was hoping Cordoncordon was going to realise this of his own volition - at no point have you mentioned how you have helped her get a place, set her up with contacts and generally been supportive in the move. I certainly hope that you have done some of these things and you just didn't mention it due to modesty/couldn't be bothered typing it out. If not, maybe there's the reason her bro is setting her up. A man should naturally assume the role of protector after all...

In fact that last point is important. You are quite right, people in committed relationships should adjust their behaviour and compromise. And people should stop acting single when they're living together. What's going through her head when she says: "Babe, I've been offered the job of a lifetime, I think I should take it it." And th reply she gets is essentially "Cool, see-ya later, don't really feel like leaving, I'm kinda comfortable here" What does that tell her about the 'solidity' of their relationship?

 

[RAFCbearfilm]

What are the odds she is trying to make you jealous enough to get married? smells like a jealousy hing to me, trying to get you to make a commitment.

 

[NewMan]

I don't know her brother, but I have a sister, who I love very, very much.

Fristly, I would not like my sister living with another guy if they were not yet married. Hypocritical yes, but it's the truth. I've done it, and can do it - but I'm a guy.

Secondly:-

He may be an a**hole, I don't know him. But I do know this... I would do EXACTLY the same thing for my sister. It is however interesting to note that he didn't go through cordoncoron in the first place...

I would never go through my sisters BF. Why? he doesn't deserve that until he marries her. So I would go directly to my sister.

Finally, if my sister was moving to a place she didn't know, I would hook her up with my best friend to show her around. Think about it, You want her to get an appartment in a good neighbourhood - you want her to be safe in this new city. If I had a friend there (and since he's a guy, the friend would be a guy) I would hook her up with him - but, and I repeat but, ALL of my friends know that they shouldn't ever think about fvcking my sister. She's OFF LIMITS.

As I say, I don't know this guy, but I think my line of thought would be standard.



Having said that, I have to question C's commitment to his woman.

She has a dream job ans you are not moving with her. This by the way should be a decision made by both of you.

Why are you even living with her if you are not commited enough to move with her (or her stay)?

And further why are you even worried about this. You are not showing commitment to her.

I woudl also say, that her lieing to you about who was on the phone is a huge red flag. I don't buy the 'joking' line of hers. And more than that, why is she talking to him for 45 mins? that seems like a long time.


I think you have handled this very badly.

I think you need to ask yourself whether this woman is somone that you want to forge a relationship with, if it is, then youd better book yourself a flight out with her. Personally, I wouldn't let my woman move to a new city on her own.

 

[WestCoaster]

He STILL hasn't answered the big question:

Why isn't he moving with her if he wants to be with her? He has a day trading job.

I'm thinking this is all B.S. because he won't answer the question. There are a ton of liars on this site, I think this is all bunk. You can day trade anywhere, why would one want to live in Michigan over California if you could move to Cali? Let's see, humid in the summers, freezing in the winter vs. no humidity and mild winters. No brainer there. I think we've been duped.

* Clarification: Long-distance relationships aren't real relationships.

 

[Vulpine]

You can day trade anywhere, why would one want to live in Michigan over California if you could move to Cali? Let's see, humid in the summers, freezing in the winter vs. no humidity and mild winters. No brainer there.

brown in the summer vs. green in the summer
high cost of living vs. low cost of living
traffic jams vs. easy travel
"Hey buddy, spare a dime?" vs. "Hey buddy, need a ride?"
freeway shootings vs. turn signals
high stress environment vs. laid back
high crime vs. what crime?
$3.76 a gallon vs. $3.06 a gallon
smog vs. clean air
veggie burgers on the grill vs. brats on the grill
wine vs. beer
granola vs. bacon and eggs
hippies vs. townies
Hare Krishna vs. Jehova's Witness
morning fog vs. morning frost

I love snow, btw, and love hunting, fishing, camping, snowmobiling, snowboarding, skiing, and even driving in it.

All I miss about Cali are the palm trees and the beach, otherwise, I don't miss that rat race. The nice weather doesn't justify dealing with the craziness and the crazies.

 

[cordoncordon]

I absolutely love Michigan. I've grown up here, my friends and family are all here (including an identical twin brother who I have always been close too), I love the change of seasons, I love where I live near Rochester, which is near 2 of the top 5 wealthiest counties in the US btw. There are all kinds of things to do here, you can play any sport or do just about anything, except visit the ocean. But then again we are suurronded by the great lakes and have so many inland lakes I could never count how many there are.

As of now I am moving with her. It will be hard, but I am planning to do so. I dont think I can be blamed for feeling hesitant. I love my gf, but then again, this is my home. I know I can always move back if things dont turn out.

As for my gf's brother, hes an ass. My gf wrote him and basically told him that herself. We had a long talk 2 nights ago, and I believe our relationship is stronger then ever. But I'm not blind. Anything can happen at anytime. I wasnt bothered by the fact that I thought she would do anything with this guy, though again anything is possible, it was just something in my mind you dont do when in a relationship. You dont hang out with single men 3,000 miles away-especially when I am 90% convinced the brother set this up as a get acquainted "date" at least for his friend. She has agreed not to have him take her around, we'll see.

Ill have a more complete update later when I have a few more minutes to write.

 

[Le Parisien]

I absolutely love Michigan. I've grown up here, my friends and family are all here (including an identical twin brother who I have always been close too), I love the change of seasons, I love where I live near Rochester, which is near 2 of the top 5 wealthiest counties in the US btw. There are all kinds of things to do here, you can play any sport or do just about anything, except visit the ocean. But then again we are suurronded by the great lakes and have so many inland lakes I could never count how many there are.

As of now I am moving with her. It will be hard, but I am planning to do so. I dont think I can be blamed for feeling hesitant. I love my gf, but then again, this is my home. I know I can always move back if things dont turn out.

As for my gf's brother, hes an ass. My gf wrote him and basically told him that herself. We had a long talk 2 nights ago, and I believe our relationship is stronger then ever. But I'm not blind. Anything can happen at anytime. I wasnt bothered by the fact that I thought she would do anything with this guy, though again anything is possible, it was just something in my mind you dont do when in a relationship. You dont hang out with single men 3,000 miles away-especially when I am 90% convinced the brother set this up as a get acquainted "date" at least for his friend. She has agreed not to have him take her around, we'll see.

Ill have a more complete update later when I have a few more minutes to write.

Sounds good, and you also give the impression to be in the right mindset.

Please keep us posted.

 

[WestCoaster]

Nice stereotypes on California ... last time I checked, Detroit, MICHIGAN, had a pretty high crime rate, as did Flint. Not sure Jehovah Witnesses are any better than Hare Kirshna's either.

I went to Lansing, Michigan, in March once, talk about all brown and ugly. Yikes! Even the campus didn't look good. I'm sure there are some nice places in Michigan, just as there are in California. I'd rather live in California.

To each his own.

As for the initial poster, he is moving out there and it sounds like he's sacrificing a lot, leaving family and friends. She better pan out or this won't be a good move. She better be some super woman to do this, but I agree in moving if you have a job where you can live anywhere ... that is if you two are going to get married.

If you aren't, this is a 100 percent complete waste of time because gf's (and wives for that matter) can be found anywhere. If you're just going to keep dating/living together/no future plans, don't make the move, instead move on to someone else.

Like I said -- Latino man's exceptions aside -- after a year you know whether you'll be married to her or not. If you're still trying to figure it out, you're wasting time.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

CORDON, As I recall your initial thread on this situation had more to do with your trying to decide whether or not to move out to the west coast for logistical reasons (i.e. friends and family etc.) than it did with you wanting to follow along with your girlfriend. Now we see this isn't the case, which leads me to believe you're being less than honest about this whole thing than you're willing to confront both with this forum and yourself. No one here can give you accurate advice if you can't come clean about the situation with yourself.

You know damn well what's going on with this girl and like most guys with ONEitis you're looking for affirmation from this forum for choices you WANT to make in order to keep this idealization fantasy afloat for yourself, but when she talks to single guys in California(?) who she's never met for 45 minutes and lies to you about the 'friend' being female, something just doesn't quite sit right in the back of your subconscious now does it?

From your first description of this situation I advised you to move out there and have an adventure - now I'll advise you to do the complete opposite. You KNOW what's going on here. This girl is looking for her big break and this is a convenient way to make a fresh start - away from you. You don't factor into her plans. She's made this obvious to you by her behavior (lying, open phone conversations, the emails, and probably other incidents you're not telling us about), but you lack the options (other women) to call a spade a spade so you'll come to us to tell you what you already KNOW.

How old are you? How old is this woman?

 

[cordoncordon]

Rollo, seriously, you are making too much of the phone convo. 99% of what they talked about was about different places to live in the LA area and how to find those places. There was next to no "small talk", no flirting from what I could tell, just an informative converstaion about the LA area. If her brother, even though i think its wrong he did this, asked his friend to call and give her some info, I cant blame my gf for at least talking to the guy about the southern california area. I can blame her if she went ahead and spent time with him, especially if it was more then just a sightseeing tour.

Do I think that this guy at least might have more on his mind then just a conversation and showing her around? Probably, but I am 99% sure she doesn't.

Btw, just as a backgroud tidbit, I'm 33, been in many LTR's, had sex with Im guessing at least 100 women, and have never had a problem meeting or dating women.

Shes 31.

 

[cordoncordon]

Heres a couple of pics of her btw........

http://s88.photobucket.com/albums/k...w&current=pam22.jpg&refPage=&imgAnch=imgAnch2

 

[WestCoaster]

Attractive woman. If she's not a nutjob with quirks and problems, has class, and won't cheat, why not marry her? You know enough about her already, another few months and you're not going to find out any deep, dark, secret or new habit.

You know enough. Get married or move on. Guys and gals waste time in the dating process. After a year, you know.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Rollo, seriously, you are making too much of the phone convo. 99% of what they talked about was about different places to live in the LA area and how to find those places. There was next to no "small talk", no flirting from what I could tell, just an informative converstaion about the LA area.

Then why lie about it? Why was her first recourse to mislead you about it being a guy?


Trust me, I've been the guy on the other end of the phone.