Am I setting myself up?

[DJjazzyJeff]

I recently (last week) had my girlfriend of 5 years break up with me. She said she felt like she had to, because I kicked her out of my house 7 months ago and I've always told her "I'm not going to marry you." When she told me this, I told her I understood and that was fine. I put my son to bed, got my stuff and went home.

About 30 mins later, I get a text message from her asking who one of the new girls in my facebook friends is. I don't respond and she says "Not surprised you'd been hiding something. She's pretty cute." I had already made up my mind I wasn't going to respond to anything that didn't have anything to do with my son, so I just let those text messages be. The next day she called me while I was busy at work, so I didn't answer and went about my business. She started to text message over and over saying I was being childish that she is having a panic attack and needs to talk to me now to ease her anxiety. I ignore those too as they have nothing to do with my son. That day I get two phone #s and set up a lunch date for that week(which I later cancelled, because I wasn't feeling in the mood). The next couple of days she calls (especially when I don't have my son) and asks what I'm doing, if I'm out with a girl, if I went out the night before. I don't answer any of that and she keeps pushing for answers, but I tell her I don't want to get in the habit of talking about anything other than our son. She also starts asking things like "Can I have a hug" when I go to pick up my son. I say no and remain stoic.

Fast forward a couple of days and one of the times she asks if she can have a hug I give her one. The next day she asks me if I relieve her physical needs. I give in to that. Over the next 3-5 days we fvck 3 more times all but one time initiated by her. She has asked me if I'm over the relationship and tries to trick me into talking about my feelings. I don't give into that. She has also been asking me about going to a friends wedding to which I said no and going on vacation with her next weekend which she would pay for the condo and I would pay for the gas to get there. I told her no, but am starting to reconsider this in my head.

Generally speaking I would eject or advise anybody in my situation to run away as fast as possible. The only thing that makes this situation unique for me this time is that I have a kid with her.

Would it be a bad idea to go on this vacation? Should I be fvcking her at all? Does this end badly with me being invested again?


My current daily routine includes going to the gym and I have refocused on some career goals and doing other things that I enjoy (riding motorcycles, hanging out with friends more, etc).

I'll give more weight to people with kids, but I'll respect anybody's opinion or advice. Thanks in advance.

 

[Warrior74]

Yah. My ex played me like that. I gave in and started investing in her emotionally again..and right when she got me wide open, she dropped the bombshell that she was taking my daughter and moving to another city to live with some man she had been dating. It was all for revenge.

Remember...men have a relationship for sex and women have sex for a relationship. So if your relationship is over...why is she having sex with you? It's all a game, she's just trying to win. If I were you, I'd leave her alone sexually. Go back to only talking about your son. Good luck.

 

[italostud]

How can anyone give you advice from the info given? You haven't told us anything about her, or how your relationship was with her, or what you're thinking inside your head with regards to what you feel your compatibility is with her.

All you've told us is how you've been ignoring her and how it's driving her crazy. Which of course is good dj practice, but aside from showing us you know how to make her think of you, it does absolutely nothing to help us see the bigger picture.

If you want good advice, give us some background information. I think the situation deserves a little more explanation, especially considering you have a child with her.

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

How can anyone give you advice from the info given? You haven't told us anything about her, or how your relationship was with her, or what you're thinking inside your head with regards to what you feel your compatibility is with her.

She is what most people would consider a genuine 9.5. She's a former Chanel model and when she dresses up and we go out within 5 - 10 mins we are guaranteed to hear something like "Holy Sh**!* or something similar and it continues throughout the whole night. She was constantly having rich guys say stuff like "If you go on a date with me, I will pay off your student loans." or "I just want to take you shopping and buy you stuff."

Okay, now that I've established that's she hot, I believe that is what has caused the majority of our problems. She has been catered to her entire life and given everything she wanted for nothing other than the fact she is hot. This can really shape a woman's expectations. Before her I dated girls that were 7s and at the very highest about a 7.5, so I was used to them doing everything I wanted without getting anything in return. That made our relationship a culture clash/recipe for disaster. I was 23 when I met her and very arrogant and into doing my own thing. There were a lot of places I should have compromised, but being my arrogant self, I didn't. She nagged and I purposefully didn't do stuff I could have done easily just to be a d!ck. She also wants to be told she is loved daily and I don't believe in saying "I love you" except in rare cases where it is warranted. That has been a sore spot throughout the relationship. In the end, she got tired of me telling her I wouldn't marry her and I got tired of her complaining about not being married. Had I met her at 27, things probably would have turned out a lot differently as I am now more secure and willing to compromise certain things in a relationship and I have a better understanding of when I should be giving more.

What she is currently telling me is that she loved more than anybody she had ever been with, but now she is bitter because I didn't marry her and "stole her youth" and opportunity to get married while she was at her most beautiful. She is turning 30 soon, so that has pushed the issue even more. I've always thought marriage was a raw deal, but if I was going to get married, I would marry her. That being said, I still would be hard pressed to get married without some serious changes or safety nets in place (prenup and other legal documentation dictating what would happen in the event of divorce). Do I want to be with her? Absolutely. Am I going to chase somebody that tells me they don't want the relationship? Absolutely not. I would move on with my life and make it the best life possible. What I"m trying to avoid is getting attached because of the sex or whatever else and not being able to walk away as easily as I can now. Also, I feel a little guilty because this is not the way I want to raise my son. He seems to do much better when both of us are around. Not to mention it makes taking care of him easier.

That's a brief overview, but if you need more, let me know.

 

[Joe Stud]

Quoting you:
Had I met her at 27, things probably would have turned out a lot differently as I am now more secure and willing to compromise certain things in a relationship and I have a better understanding of when I should be giving more.

To be honest, she doesnt sound so bad or unreasonable. Start TODAY, being the 27yr old that you are. Compromise (without giving up your ba!!s), and remember she is on your team. Stay confident and independent, not being an a$$hoe. When you had a kid with her, didnt you prequalify her? well then, follow thru.

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

Thanks for the reply Joe. Alright Guys, here is an opportunity for people to learn something through my loss. I had planned to go on vacation with her to assess what I wanted. She had a wedding yesterday that she went to and in my gut I knew something bad would happen or was happening. Long story short, she "got drunk" and slept with another guy. When we broke up she had given some guy her phone # and I believe this is the same guy. Come to find out, I know the guy. I was friends with his girlfriend that he beat up all the time. The moral of the story is, always listen to your gut and find the answers that your gut is telling you to look for. Now just to figure out how to best handle this situation for my kid. Any tips appreciated.

 

[Warrior74]

Thanks for the reply Joe. Alright Guys, here is an opportunity for people to learn something through my loss. I had planned to go on vacation with her to assess what I wanted. She had a wedding yesterday that she went to and in my gut I knew something bad would happen or was happening. Long story short, she "got drunk" and slept with another guy. When we broke up she had given some guy her phone # and I believe this is the same guy. Come to find out, I know the guy. I was friends with his girlfriend that he beat up all the time. The moral of the story is, always listen to your gut and find the answers that your gut is telling you to look for. Now just to figure out how to best handle this situation for my kid. Any tips appreciated.

And you know this because she told you?

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

And you know this because she told you?

I had a gut feeling about it and asked the right questions. That and I've been with her 5 years so I know when she's lying and called her out and then she admitted it. Now she's trying to hang my son over my head. I hope everybody is paying attention. It will all work itself out in the end.

 

[Joe Stud]

Jeff, sorry to hear bro. But it's not the end of the world. There are millions of other guys in your predicament. Make it as seamless and cordial as possible. In a short time, you will look back with a feeling of relief, as you have now become free of the stressful wondering and drama.
The law provides for legal rites for you to visit your son, etc. Work out a schedule, print it up on a calendar, and give her & son a copy. No confusion, no arguements, all there in writing. Then do your fatherly duties, enjoy your son, and be civil (for your sons sake) but at arms length with her.

You other DJ's: He right, learn from this. Think very very hard on who is going to be the mother of your child... and linked with you FOREVER!

 

[jophil28]

Jeff, why do you believe that she told you about the other guy ?
IF she just wanted some jollies she could have done him in secret and never told you BUT she made a point of telling you. Are women plain fukking stupid ?

This same shyte happened to me a few years ago -
I was seriously dating a hot woman (who turned out to meet 6 and one half of the eight BPD criteria in the DSM)
Anyway, we broke up for three weeks and when she tried to get me back she told me this..." When we were apart I got drunk at a dinner party at Celecia's place and woke up with 'Paul' who was my date for the evening - I am sure nothing happened. I am so glad that I can get drunk and not have sex."
WTF !

I said," I don't want to be with someone who behaves like you did."
HB, " But we were broken up "
Jophil, " Two words are resonating in my head - drunken...slvt . IF you did what you just claimed, I am repulsed . If you did not, and are trying to yank my chain, I am also disgusted that a woman of your age would stoop to that kind of faked-up dramatics."

Jophil walked away.
HB stood there open mouthed in stunned silence.

 

[Warrior74]

Jeff, why do you believe that she told you about the other guy ?
IF she just wanted some jollies she could have done him in secret and never told you BUT she made a point of telling you. Are women plain fukking stupid ?

This same shyte happened to me a few years ago -
I was seriously dating a hot woman (who turned out to meet 6 and one half of the eight BPD criteria in the DSM)
Anyway, we broke up for three weeks and when she tried to get me back she told me this..." When we were apart I got drunk at a dinner party at Celecia's place and woke up with 'Paul' who was my date for the evening - I am sure nothing happened. I am so glad that I can get drunk and not have sex."
WTF !

I said," I don't want to be with someone who behaves like you did."
HB, " But we were broken up "
Jophil, " Two words are resonating in my head - drunken...slvt . IF you did what you just claimed, I am repulsed . If you did not, and are trying to yank my chain, I am also disgusted that a woman of your age would stoop to that kind of faked-up dramatics."

Jophil walked away.
HB stood there open mouthed in stunned silence.

This is exactly why I asked if she told him or not. If she really wanted you, she would have lied her ass off. Glad you followed your gut, but I still think it was just revenge on her part. Just proving to herself that she could suck you in anytime she wanted and play with you how ever she wanted. What was your reaction to this revelation and what was her reaction to your reaction?

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

Jeff, why do you believe that she told you about the other guy ?
IF she just wanted some jollies she could have done him in secret and never told you BUT she made a point of telling you. Are women plain fukking stupid ?

This same shyte happened to me a few years ago -
I was seriously dating a hot woman (who turned out to meet 6 and one half of the eight BPD criteria in the DSM)
Anyway, we broke up for three weeks and when she tried to get me back she told me this..." When we were apart I got drunk at a dinner party at Celecia's place and woke up with 'Paul' who was my date for the evening - I am sure nothing happened. I am so glad that I can get drunk and not have sex."
WTF !

I said," I don't want to be with someone who behaves like you did."
HB, " But we were broken up "
Jophil, " Two words are resonating in my head - drunken...slvt . IF you did what you just claimed, I am repulsed . If you did not, and are trying to yank my chain, I am also disgusted that a woman of your age would stoop to that kind of faked-up dramatics."

Jophil walked away.
HB stood there open mouthed in stunned silence.

She tried to lie about it, but being that I've known her 5 years, it's become easy to tell when details are inconsistent. She lied and lied, but I called her out on each one and made her swear on my son and we should wouldn't swear she admitted to it. Women can be extremely stupid. The worst part about it is she asked me if I was still going on vacation with her this week.

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

This is exactly why I asked if she told him or not. If she really wanted you, she would have lied her ass off. Glad you followed your gut, but I still think it was just revenge on her part. Just proving to herself that she could suck you in anytime she wanted and play with you how ever she wanted. What was your reaction to this revelation and what was her reaction to your reaction?

My reaction was a little shocked. I paced for a second, calmly asked a couple of questions about the situation and then left. I went straight to the gym and lifted weight I have no business lifting, but I think the anger made it easier. After that, I played golf with a buddy of mine, had a couple of beers, got a phone # from one of my facebook friends, took her out and made a night of it, which surprisingly doesn't help as much as you would think it does, but I did have a lot of fun though and there is definitely truth to the saying that if you don't have options it's a lot harder to get through things. I remember crying myself to sleep for months over the girl that brought me to this board. It's nice to know that I'll never have to do that again.

The funny thing is my "ex" has been calling me all morning asking me where I was all night and who I was with. "I need to know" she says. Women never cease to amaze me.

 

[Warrior74]

You know what you need to do. Communicate only about the child. Make it stick this time.

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

update

Just wanted to update this. I didn't go on vacation with her although I did talk to her on the phone quite a bit. Most of it was about a relationship book she was reading and she used a lot of it to tell me why we weren't compatible, etc. I agreed and gave my own input. We had a couple of good conversations that led to her telling me "I really just want to have sex with you and I have a long term attachment to you, but I haven't had romantic feelings for you for a long time." I said I understood that and never gave her any inkling to how I was feeling one way or another.

Anyway, while she was gone, I got a phone # from a girl at a gas station. Her car battery died and I had a chance to talk to her a little bit and # closed. I called her Monday for a date yesterday. We went out and had a good time, but my ex was blowing up my phone the entire time as she had gone by my house and I wasn't there. She called the cops and filed a missing child report (son was with babysitter), which is funny because she only asked about him 2 times in the 7 days she was gone. When she found out the reason I didn't answer was because I was on a date, she flipped out. I told her she didn't leave me any option (she had already given her # to 2 guys, one that she went on a date with and another she slept with). The funny part is after the cops left, she told me she didn't want to deal with my son so I ended up taking him home with me anyway.

This morning she starts sending me messages saying she hopes I'm happy that I've given her the closure she needs and I should have just told her I was going on a date, blah blah blah. She called me a "branch swinger". I was drinking milk when I read it and almost spit it all over my computer screen. Then she proceeds to tell me she wanted to work things out and that she missed me so bad and that I deceived her by not telling her my emotions, blah blah blah. I explained to her that she broke up with me and slept with another guy and she didn't leave me any other option. What did she expect me to do? Again, women never cease to amaze me. She responded that I should take responsibility and quit putting the blame on her. She said I should just tell her I'm interested in pursuing other people. I didn't respond to that and currently I'm feeling indifferent.

Feel free to respond with thoughts, but this is more so just for people to see how ugly it can get when you have kids with somebody you are not compatible or going to be with. I also needed to record this to help myself stay strong for the next time she puts "it" in my face. More food for thought, I think I am feeling indifferent because I had a good time with another girl that didn't nag me to death the entire date. Maybe there is something in between the lines there for people that are dying of pain over one girl.