Am I selfish? help!

[backbreaker]

Okay. My female friend and I have been sorta on the outs and I take her out to lunch and she tells me she feels like I am very controlling and how I am very selifsh.

I'm extremely confused, 1. i dont' know what I've done besides give a damn and 2. she's not the first girl to say what she said verbatium.

The thing is... I seriously don't know what the hell I'md oing to be so selfish?

I'm like okay explain to me how I'm being so selfish.

She says well, you know I have class in 20 mintues and we would not be having this conversation if you were not so selifsh.

My thought process is... if you have class and other prorities, it's your responsbility to say so. Hell you met me for lunch **** am I supposed to just know what I am and what I am not working with time wise.

All I'm trying to do is be responsbile and clear the air. And i'm selfish for that?

It's not that I didn't give a damn I did not know.

I had an EX pull the same **** about me not carying about her time and **** like that and how I'm so controlling.

Like my GF if she has **** to do, she TELLS me.



Is it me? am i really being selfish and controlling?

You have the right to say no, not now. And as soon as she said that I excuxed myself and let her go about her day. ovbiously she had **** to do.

 

[backbreaker]

the thing is... deep down, I KNOW we are all selfish to a certain extent. to call someone selfish is a hollow statement.

with that said, I always call to make sure she's okay, I paid for her gym memebership, I give her money when she needs it beuc ase she doesn't work, she does errands for me from time to time, I even babysit her kid so seh can get laid. And I'm ****ing selfish?


Maybe both these women were just ignorant?

 

[KontrollerX]

Its not that you're selfish its just that you are likely so well put together in all areas these chicks have to find some way to try and attack you so as to break you down and try and break your confidence.

Its like the allegory of the sickeningly overly incredibly smoking hot chick.

A chick like this for example might have both her girl and guy friends both kissing her ass nonstop to remain in her good graces and keep her social proof in their life but at the same time they will get in oh so subtle little jabs here and there on her.

Stuff like "Yeah Jaqueline is the hottest piece of ass on the block but I think her hairstyle this week doesn't do her any favors at keeping that status."

^
That would be a comment from one of the beta orbiters.

Stuff like "Jackie and I are best friends and I love her to death but she really needs to stop caking on so much makeup and wearing those low cut tops, I mean I'm her friend and I care about her but it makes her look like a slvt."

^
That would be a comment from one of the female friends.

In both cases extremely weak jabs are used with sugar coating added onto it to make it seem harmless but in both the beta male and the best female girl friend's cases the jabs aren't really meant to be harmless at all but to break down the incredibly hot girl's self esteem so she cannot enjoy her hot status to the full effect.

In the female friend's case she is jealous of Jackie's appearance and ability to attract guys and attention and high social status, she doesn't really care how Jackie dresses she only said the slvt comment to try and influence some of Jackie's social circle against Jackie or influence Jackie herself to wear more non revealing clothes in the future as then it would in this female friend's mind reduce Jackie's popularity and put her "in her place" so to speak so the so called female friend could feel better about her life.

In the beta male's case he is yearning and pining away for miss "Jaqueline's" love and for her to finally see what a good and moral man he is so she will fall desperately in love with him but thats not happening and out of beta frustration of running out of ideas on how to get Jaqueline to value what he has to say he resorts to becoming the harsh critic of her various cool styles. The beta thinks he will at least attain some measure of revenge on Jaqueline if he can break down her self esteem little by little through his false critique or he is trying to break down her self esteem so she will in his mind care more about people (as the beta thinks he already does) and via this caring she will eventually once again finally see what a great and moral guy he is and they will live happily ever after.

So you're not selfish backbreaker.

These chicks simply have nothing else to use to try and break you down with.

The "selfishness" attack from more than one woman is just a coincidence not an indication of truth.

That or perhaps this is the latest promoted shaming in those garbage women's magazines. :rock:

 

[backbreaker]

thanks

so.. how do I proceed with the friend? do I even want her around? do I tell her to **** off? do I ask her how I"m being selfish?



this is new to me.

My old oneitis that brought me here are real good friends with me now and I actually had to call her on that one.. she was like you are alot of things but selfish and controlling aren't one of them. she's actually blossomed into a nice young lady, i'm happy for her.

 

[KontrollerX]

Well another thing is people like you that are so at the top of their game also can get this sort of reaction to try and lower your self esteem or bring you down a notch simply because the other person is trying to knock you off the pedastal thats in their mind that says you are better than they are.

It can at times not even be all that malicious on the other person's part.

Its basically just their own insecurity wreaking havoc and they are looking for some kind of advantage or leverage to use on you to still feel somewhat in control.

I think how you should deal with it is to simply ignore it or react in a slightly amused shock type expression.

If it really bothers you though you'll just have to eliminate all insecure people like this from your life and only keep yourself around people at your level.

Its really up to you.

 

[backbreaker]

I think it might come to that as much as I hate to say it.


I care about the damn girl. she's been there for me in some rough times. but i can't do this ****. we argue more than my Gf and I voer bull ****

and worse, It's friday now. this has been gonig on for a couple of weeks. I took her to chili's sunday JUST TO HAVE THIS CONVERSTAION. i said look.. something is wrong, let's talk. "oh nothing is wrong, you are imagining things"

I even said "are you sure?" she said yes. than i'm a selifsh self centered person

and If i called her on that somehow I believe she will make me out to be even more selfish and self centered

 

[Warrior74]

These guys nailed it. I was told I "abandoned people" because I walked away from a couple of girls who disrespected me. What am I suppose to do, put up with bullshtt? They were just mad that I had the balls to leave them.

Your selfish means, how come you don't kiss my ass and I can't control you? It's because your selfish! lol. Ignore it and keep doing what you do. If she's looking for a weak man she'll probably leave for someone that makes you go WTF? But just realize that water has to find it's on level.

 

[backbreaker]

i cut ties with her for good. I told her not to contact me anymore becuase i know she is making **** up and I don't have time for it. I haven't done anything but bend over backwards to help that girl out and now i'm selfish. i'm not into playing games, espically with someone i'm not ****ing. not worth the drama.

 

[Tazman]

^^Do you now see why it's a waste of energy to put forth this kind of effort for female "friends"? They just don't make good "platonic" friends, unless they're ugly, but then you wouldn't want to spend much time with them if they were.

 

[jophil28]

I care about the damn girl. she's been there for me in some rough times. but i can't do this ****. we argue more than my Gf and I voer bull ****

and worse, It's friday now. this has been gonig on for a couple of weeks. I took her to chili's sunday JUST TO HAVE THIS CONVERSTAION. i said look.. something is wrong, let's talk. "oh nothing is wrong, you are imagining things"

I even said "are you sure?" she said yes. than i'm a selifsh self centered person

and If i called her on that somehow I believe she will make me out to be even more selfish and self centered

Calling her on it will never work. Women are never willing to see that what they are doing is unhelpful. They set up these kinds of situations and then deny that there is any problem while holding an unspoken demand that you guess (correctly ) what the real problems is. Then they expect YOU to 'own' their problem and put it right, or at least promise to - all without their expressing it openly.
I know that this all sounds stupid and unneccessary and circuitous, but it is what woman do habitually.

Currently, you are caught up in a woman's 'shaming' attack.
THis tactic is also designed to manipulate you into acting in ways which please her or are to her advantage without her expressing what she wants.
So what does she want? Well lets figure this out. She is a "friend" only .So what do friends do ? They spend time together and ' bond' in a non romantic way. So MY guess is that she wants more of your time ( and possibly more of you in other ways -)
Then we come to her female need for attention. Attention is cocaine to women and they will do and say bizarre things when they enter withdrawal.
IT is likely that she also wants more ego strokes and validation for you - after all she has a male girlfriend - that's you BB..
However she has one teeny obstacle here.. your G/f !
Your friend knows that the majority of your time,affection, attention and loyalty should be alloted to your girl friend and she is unhappy with that.. Your friend will not come right out and say so ( girls do not overtly express their needs and wants ), but she is envious and resentful of your G/f and the big chunk of attention that you give to your girl.
Essentially, you have two women as rivals .
So what to do ?
Firsly you can forget 'reasoning' with your girl 'friend'. I guess that you tried that. How did it work ?
IF I were you I would just pull back a little in silence after one of these shaming attempts. The idea is to train her NOT to attack you by not rewarding her manipulations - give her the opposiite of what she wants. Practise power though silence.

The worst thing you can do is to give in to her tactics by accomodating her wishes and trying to please her .
Just talking to her about her accusations is a reward in itself. Stop that now !

 

[backbreaker]

no I'm done. I'm not going to sit there and let someone say that I am selfish and demanding when I'm antyhing but and I know and she knows damn well I'm not.

it's the princpal of the matter.

 

[Jitterbug]

no I'm done. I'm not going to sit there and let someone say that I am selfish and demanding when I'm antyhing but and I know and she knows damn well I'm not.

it's the princpal of the matter.

First time I heard something similar directed towards me, my dad gave me an advice on it. He said that when you have your sh!t together, sometimes out of the blue, a "friend" (more like acquaintance) or an older man/woman will offer to give you an advice on some supposedly bad aspect of your personality that makes no sense or is just flat out wrong. Congratulations, it means you really do have your sh!t together, but that draws such sh!t tests from other people. Usually it involves how you're not giving them enough attention in some way.

Funnily enough, all of those confusing feedbacks I got were from older men that I regard as failures (failed career or marriage/family, huge AFCs) or female "friends".

That's why it's a waste of time to take most women seriously as true friends.

Don't bother arguing with your chick friend. You were served bullsh!t plus random female emotions. You can't argue with that using logic.

Next time you get that, just say: "Thank you, I appreciate your feedback", give them some sort of acknowledgement and change topic or excuse yourself.