Am I just being jealous or......

[purple haze]

Yea, it's a tough situation. At this point, I'd call it a "red flag," and see if more red flags start popping up. If she continues to talk about him without any prompting, and continues to make time for him, maybe it's time to get out before she burns you.

 

[bunjy]

Yea, it's a tough situation. At this point, I'd call it a "red flag," and see if more red flags start popping up. If she continues to talk about him without any prompting, and continues to make time for him, maybe it's time to get out before she burns you.

Yep Its definitely a red flag. TBH Ive seen a couple of minor red flags (e.g. her occasionally not getting back to me) already so im not sure what to do?

 

[( . )( . )]

Its worth mentioning she does hang out a fair bit on the bar scene, she goes out drinking regularly etc so to her doing this may be 'normal' behaviour (e.g. going for drinks after work with people on the local bar scene etc). However it certainly isnt a situation Im happy about.

Thats a red flag in itself. Bar hopping chicks are not healthy options for anything long term. It's one thing to meet her girlfriends now and then for a drink, it's another if she's addicted to the perceived "glitz and social glamour" of the club/bar scene. Shows a lack of class and takes a huge toll on a womans looks.

purple haze covered the rest.

 

[backbreaker]

lol there is nothing "tough" about your situation whatsoever. she's a bar hopping skank. just about everyone here with field experience agrees. there's 3-4 of her in just about every bar in america.

the only thing "tough" is that you invested 4 months into a girl and have no other options and are trying to justify keeping her around.

The one thing that leads me to doubt this advice however is the way she is with me. She says she loves me and seems very serious about our relationship. Her actions proves this to some extent (e.g. loads of attention, affection etc.) I do feel loved by her. Hell shes even started talking about us renting a place in a couple of months. She seems serious about me.

you know what the first thing a smart girl does when she cheats on her LTR? ****s his brains out.

Law 3 ​

Conceal your Intentions ​

Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.

maybe she sees qualities in you that would make a good long term safety net option and sees the play as to keep you around long term if at all possible. but your entire stance is a logical fallacy in itself; just becase she likes you doesn't mean she isn't a low quality girl. It's 2 entirely separate entities. lol I know a lot of low quality girls who liked me. jBut you can take a of the bar but you can't take the bar out or girl. As solomon said, slores go slore. she literally can't help herself. this is what she does.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

lol there is nothing "tough" about your situation whatsoever. she's a bar hopping skank. just about everyone here with field experience agrees. there's 3-4 of her in just about every bar in america.

the only thing "tough" is that you invested 4 months into a girl and have no other options and are trying to justify keeping her around.



you know what the first thing a smart girl does when she cheats on her LTR? ****s his brains out.



maybe she sees qualities in you that would make a good long term safety net option and sees the play as to keep you around long term if at all possible. but your entire stance is a logical fallacy in itself; just becase she likes you doesn't mean she isn't a low quality girl. It's 2 entirely separate entities. lol I know a lot of low quality girls who liked me. jBut you can take a of the bar but you can't take the bar out or girl. As solomon said, slores go slore. she literally can't help herself. this is what she does.

And just like the OP himself has stated she's said he reminds her of him. Job etc. She's getting the OPs qualities as WELL as the drinking buddy who's got vices like herself. He has not only what she likes about you...but a little MORE in common as he likes to drink and it puts her in a "comfort" zone of no "pressure" as I've got something on him and don't have to live up to what I should normally be expected to with my OP boyfriend.

I'm telling you OP I've seen it happen as if nothing in the world was going on far too many times. Married, single, dating, etc in these small time bars. I used to shoot pool a lot and there was a lot of rough crowd mixed with "normal" people who worked, had kids etc. and I would NEVER put a person I cared about Wife GF or even someone I was SEEING in a position that would make her suspicious.

She's just being "open" about her "friend" as like in your eyes being "truthful" while practically flaunting it in your face. Easier to just put things out in the open then hide it and you find out then she has to make up a story. She's already provided you with a "story" up front to cover her azz.

I know you don't want to acknowledge it or even think about it....but no normal person would even put themselves in that position to have someone they truly cared about feel that way. REGARDLESS of if you've said or she thinks you aren't jealous. She's not a moron.

I'd slowly drop off with this chick. You may not even find out till a while on down the line that there was something up between the two of them. Leave before sh1t gets worse for you. This reads BAD.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Bunjy,
The Old Dog Backbreaker is dead right....But aren't you being silly
dating a BarMaid?....It's just too easy for them,they are associated with pleasurable activities,in an environment where alcohol takes away the inhibitions...
Don't invest any more with her mate,just right size the relationship,and spin plates,they will help cushion your inevitable fall from grace!

 

[Boilermaker]

Bunjy you have been given a well dose of anti-biotics.

I hope it will do you well.

Don't take it too literally, bb comes around and calls your woman "a skank" based on what you told him, but that's bb.... some things never change.

Unfortunately, the core message is true. You seem to be a decent kid, you don't need this woman's love to move on. Whenever I had to give something up, it would feel really tough in the moment, but it always made me grow.

You are sounding like you are putting her above you, but it isn't true. Think about it. Think about why you deserve more.

Good luck.

 

[bunjy]

Some great adivce on this thread guys, thanks.

Update is I basically decided to give her a 'funny haha' line about dating the barflies. She kept quite right after I said it. Least she knows now Im onto it and not exactly happy.

A part of me feels like maybe to some extent she is playing me at my own game, I often hang out with other chicks and have mentioned other chicks to her a few times.

I am confused about the situation though, I figure shes either a) trying to make me jealous or b) has a thing for this guy. She does seem to be crazy about me and only this weekend said she wants us to rent a place together ASAP.

Im not gonna next her, sure it might be the wrong thing to do but I figure I aslong as I keep my head above water I should be ok. If it turns sour I figure its not the end of the world and I wont have a problem moving on but also It would be kinda cool if in the long term this works out.

A part of me thinks this is kind of no big deal (sure its not great shes mentioned some other guy but I dont want to overreact) but another part of me thinks I hope I dont end up back here saying 'you where right' to you guys.

Im gonna let this one slide but keep my eye on the situation and bear in mind what could be going on.

 

[zekko]

Just to put my two cents in:

The fact that she works in a bar is a red flag. You're probably better off dating a stripper than a bartender (or waitress, whatever she is) for as often as she is going to be hit on.

The fact that she is a bar hopping skank is another red flag.

The fact that she's talking about this guy is at least a yellow flag.

 

[JohnChops]

Some great adivce on this thread guys, thanks.

Update is I basically decided to give her a 'funny haha' line about dating the barflies. She kept quite right after I said it. Least she knows now Im onto it and not exactly happy.

A part of me feels like maybe to some extent she is playing me at my own game, I often hang out with other chicks and have mentioned other chicks to her a few times.

I am confused about the situation though, I figure shes either a) trying to make me jealous or b) has a thing for this guy. She does seem to be crazy about me and only this weekend said she wants us to rent a place together ASAP.

Im not gonna next her, sure it might be the wrong thing to do but I figure I aslong as I keep my head above water I should be ok. If it turns sour I figure its not the end of the world and I wont have a problem moving on but also It would be kinda cool if in the long term this works out.

A part of me thinks this is kind of no big deal (sure its not great shes mentioned some other guy but I dont want to overreact) but another part of me thinks I hope I dont end up back here saying 'you where right' to you guys.

Im gonna let this one slide but keep my eye on the situation and bear in mind what could be going on.

Oh boy I can already see where this is going to end up. OP your first mistake isnt nexting her after all the red flags that she impaled you with. The fact you made a thread about her means that you have some care for this woman. And the fact you wont next and are going to "let her slide" is a bad thing to do. 1. Youll end up back here with oneitis very shortly after she snaps you in two. 2. Shes a sl0re and you know it!

Dont let her slide unless your sliding your d1ck between those cheeks of hers!

 

[bunjy]

Oh boy I can already see where this is going to end up. OP your first mistake isnt nexting her after all the red flags that she impaled you with. The fact you made a thread about her means that you have some care for this woman. And the fact you wont next and are going to "let her slide" is a bad thing to do. 1. Youll end up back here with oneitis very shortly after she snaps you in two. 2. Shes a sl0re and you know it!

Dont let her slide unless your sliding your d1ck between those cheeks of hers!

I can see where your coming from and this does indeed make sense, but I figure all things considered nexting her would be a bad move, especially as its based upon plenty of 'what if's'. If she did something concrete that bad Id consider nexting her but to next her over something she 'might' do seems abit premature at this stage.

Theres no doubt this behaviour is a red flag, which has led me to reassess the situation (which I have).

I do indeed care for this women but Ive also come to realise over this past week or so (and taking into account the red flags raised in this thread) that I do have a degree of nonchalance towards this situation. Its caused me to reasses to some extent and Ive come to the conclusion that its not worth nexting her over something which at this stage seems relatively minor. Sure if it works out, great. If it doesnt, no big deal.

A bit of nonchalance (which is genuine BTW) surely will only help the situation and keep me from falling into an AFC trap.

 

[pdx1138]

she's a classic sunshine girl. works at a bar, loves going through the process of falling for a guy. It's not so much what you have or have not done wrong, it's that she has to get a new fix. this is what she does. the girl can't help it.

ha ha

Journey/Steve Perry singing:

"The girl can't help it, she needs more
He hasn't found what he's lookin' for
They're still standing in the rain
He can't help it, and she's just that way"

 

[backbreaker]

ha ha

Journey/Steve Perry singing:

"The girl can't help it, she needs more
He hasn't found what he's lookin' for
They're still standing in the rain
He can't help it, and she's just that way"

that's actually the song i was thinking of when i said that.

do indeed care for this women but Ive also come to realise over this past week or so (and taking into account the red flags raised in this thread) that I do have a degree of nonchalance towards this situation. Its caused me to reasses to some extent and Ive come to the conclusion that its not worth nexting her over something which at this stage seems relatively minor. Sure if it works out, great. If it doesnt, no big deal.

you really, really don't get it. you are even trying to explain it and you are showing more and more that you don't get it.

let me tell you a short story. I met a woman a few years ago, and it was very clear verly early on we clicked. and she was a classy gal. she liked to have fun but she wasn't a slut and she carried herself well. so we started going on dates and one thing led to another and i stopped seeing other girls or what not a few months later.

so one day she's at my house we are watching TV and i go in the bathroom to use the restroom and i see a white baggie, not big at all, and i could smell it before i even picked it up i alreqady knew what it was.. it was coke.

i'm a recovering drug addict. coke/crack was my drug of choice. needless tos ay, this was some ****ign **** we had to address. you can even rest my post history here the entire ordeal is on this site.

so i confront her about it and say look babe, (she didn't know at the time i was a recovering addict) this isn't gonna work right here. she leveled wtih me.. she said look, i'm not going to sit here and tell you i've never used it or it isn't mine it is, but i don't do it very often at all and usualy it's my (then) roommatesand i'm just sharing. that was ome we had left over. she had spent the night over my hosue so i know she wasn't using then.


now see here is the difference between your and my situation. she, up to that point, hadn't a red flag anywhere. not one. not only had she not given a red flag, all of her behavior up to that point, showed she was a girl with high moral character. there was no conflicting reports up to that point. she didn't stay out late, she didn't go out to parties and ****, she woke up at 4am every morning, she really didn't drink alot, she didn't even curse and hate when i did. the way she carried herself, plus me knowing her for 4 months by this time and not seeing a clue of any drug related behavior, i said.. i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, under the condition that you allow me to randomly drug test you for how ever long i see fit. she agreed. she had nothing to hide. so starting the next week is tarted just popping tests up. she passed every one for a year and half.

she's now my wife.

the difference betwen my story, and your story, si that the woman, has every ****ing red flag imaginagble lol. and you are going to let it slide. in other words, she hasn't done jack **** for you to you for you to give her any benefit of the doubt other than **** your brains out and tell you how great you are. lol i'm not worried about how great you are i'm worried about how ****ed up she is!

WHO THE **** CARES HOW MUCH SHE LIKES YOU IF SHE IS A GARAGE PERSON WITH ****TY CHARACTER?

and even more, on a subconscious level, what the hell does that sy about you? you put up with skanks who work at bars who like to get drunk with friends that casually name drops other dudes and flat out tells you that she goes drinking with them? and you think youa re beign the bigger man by letting it slide? she has you figured out all ready. i assure you

but you won't listen and you willl come back.. let me see.. i give it 2 months tops. around new years **** will hit the fan when she really starts to party. and you will cry like a little ***** about what went wrong when every last guy here told you exactly what was going to happen but you think youa re different.

and then what really pisses me off, is that this is the guy who turns into the "women are garbage **** women all women are skanks" type posters.

A bit of nonchalance (which is genuine BTW) surely will only help the situation and keep me from falling into an AFC trap.

trap? you are tied down to the AFC lethal injection table looking at the phone hoping to be pardoned. lol trap my ass. you are done.

 

[bunjy]

that's actually the song i was thinking of when i said that.


you really, really don't get it. you are even trying to explain it and you are showing more and more that you don't get it.

let me tell you a short story. I met a woman a few years ago, and it was very clear verly early on we clicked. and she was a classy gal. she liked to have fun but she wasn't a slut and she carried herself well. so we started going on dates and one thing led to another and i stopped seeing other girls or what not a few months later.

so one day she's at my house we are watching TV and i go in the bathroom to use the restroom and i see a white baggie, not big at all, and i could smell it before i even picked it up i alreqady knew what it was.. it was coke.

i'm a recovering drug addict. coke/crack was my drug of choice. needless tos ay, this was some ****ign **** we had to address. you can even rest my post history here the entire ordeal is on this site.

so i confront her about it and say look babe, (she didn't know at the time i was a recovering addict) this isn't gonna work right here. she leveled wtih me.. she said look, i'm not going to sit here and tell you i've never used it or it isn't mine it is, but i don't do it very often at all and usualy it's my (then) roommatesand i'm just sharing. that was ome we had left over. she had spent the night over my hosue so i know she wasn't using then.


now see here is the difference between your and my situation. she, up to that point, hadn't a red flag anywhere. not one. not only had she not given a red flag, all of her behavior up to that point, showed she was a girl with high moral character. there was no conflicting reports up to that point. she didn't stay out late, she didn't go out to parties and ****, she woke up at 4am every morning, she really didn't drink alot, she didn't even curse and hate when i did. the way she carried herself, plus me knowing her for 4 months by this time and not seeing a clue of any drug related behavior, i said.. i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, under the condition that you allow me to randomly drug test you for how ever long i see fit. she agreed. she had nothing to hide. so starting the next week is tarted just popping tests up. she passed every one for a year and half.

she's now my wife.

the difference betwen my story, and your story, si that the woman, has every ****ing red flag imaginagble lol. and you are going to let it slide. in other words, she hasn't done jack **** for you to you for you to give her any benefit of the doubt other than **** your brains out and tell you how great you are. lol i'm not worried about how great you are i'm worried about how ****ed up she is!

WHO THE **** CARES HOW MUCH SHE LIKES YOU IF SHE IS A GARAGE PERSON WITH ****TY CHARACTER?

and even more, on a subconscious level, what the hell does that sy about you? you put up with skanks who work at bars who like to get drunk with friends that casually name drops other dudes and flat out tells you that she goes drinking with them? and you think youa re beign the bigger man by letting it slide? she has you figured out all ready. i assure you

but you won't listen and you willl come back.. let me see.. i give it 2 months tops. around new years **** will hit the fan when she really starts to party. and you will cry like a little ***** about what went wrong when every last guy here told you exactly what was going to happen but you think youa re different.

and then what really pisses me off, is that this is the guy who turns into the "women are garbage **** women all women are skanks" type posters.



trap? you are tied down to the AFC lethal injection table looking at the phone hoping to be pardoned. lol trap my ass. you are done.

I really appreciate your blunt honesty and advice here mate, I guess because deep down I know your right. Ive generally always dated these sort of bar scene girls and tbh Im pretty sick of it.

Im just not really sure how to proceed though, wouldnt flat out nexting her be jumping the gun abit?

 

[backbreaker]

Understand I know I can be quite blunt but I'm not trying tob e a prick. actually i am lol, but the reason I am being as blunt as I am is not beucase I am mean or anything like that. i want you to get it.

in other words, i would rather me hurt your feelings here, than she hurt your feeling y calling you with someone Else's **** in her mouth and then blaming the entire thing on you after she told you how much she loved you for the last few months. if that means i have to be a tad blunt than so be it. some things you can't sugar coat around. I wish someone would have jacked my ass up and told me this **** 10-12 years ago.


It all starts with respect. right now, you are compremxing things that you think are important to secure sex/ a relationship. that has to stop. even if it means not getting laid. even if it means not getting laid for a year. even if it means not getting laid for 5 years, at no point, should you ever compromise your moral values for *****. it's like relapsing on a drug, you will feel good while the sex is going on but as soon as you stop ****ing you will feel worse than you did before you took a hit and wish you could go back, but now the only you can do to make yourself stop feeling like you feel is to get more of the drug (sex).


this is what you need to do

1. seriously, throughly read the DJ bible.
2. read Rollo's blog post to post http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/
3. tell your GF that you need to talk. dont' be a jerk dont' be an *******, but just tell her that you two aren't going to work out, you see things differently than she does, and it's best she does what she does and you dow hat you do, wish ehr the best. be nice but firm. don't contact her again.
4. work on yourself. you said it yourself. you keep dating these girls. you seek these girls out beucse you think that this is what you deserve. the way to fix this is to become someone better. get in the gym get in shape. read some ****ing books lol. learn some ****. learn how to dress. make it to where in your mind, you feel like dammit.. i deserve better than bar skanks.t hey are okay for sex but i will be no bar skanks saftey net. until you get to a point where you honestly believe you are better, this is what you will always revert to. I've been there i know.
5. make a list of the things that you will not under any circumstances compromise on out of a woman. Make it realistic, and make sure that you demand the same out of yourself. in other wrods don't post that you like petite women if your fat ass can't fit into a 38 size jeans lol. If you don't like girls who drink and drug you can't drink and drug. etc. then have some **** that you don't like but under the right circumstances you can compromise on. like i'm a neat freak, seriously. my wife isn't. it's an issue but it's something i can live with given her total package. it would be silly for me to put her ass out after everything she has meant to me beucase she won't get on her knees and use some comet in the toilet.
6. profit


now as a warninbg if you do the above, she's gonna come back. no questions asked. she mis judged you, she sees you have a backbone and will find it very sexy. she will even try to half ass act right. dont' buy it. keep nc.



understand, the problem isn't that you are talking to her or even fcking her. the problem is that she has not done anything at allt o prove that she is LTR worthy. you just gave that to her. it's okay to **** girls like that.. later, once you become a better person, you can treat her accordingly. let her go do what she does and use her for the every once in a while booty call, wear it out and let some poor guy who was like you now deal with the aftermath. but right now, you aren't in a place to handle his girl like she needs to be handled.

 

[YOUR BORING LIFE]

OP:

Start going out for drinks with other women. Start having strange women she doesn't know cook you dinner and invite you over during the week. Casually mention it during conversation and gauge her reaction. If she becomes upset you point out to her that she's doing virtually the same thing with a strange man you don't know. If she doesn't care you've now deduced she has low interest in you, doesn't care you're regularly in situations where there's potential to cheat etc, views you as a low value investment, her fall back plan in the event she misses the branch she's trying to swing to etc...

Also, a slut's going to slut. Stopping the hypergamy beast in this day and age is as futile as trying to stop the tide from rising.

 

[evansblue]

I'd like to know a little more information. Is she just a part-time bartender? Is she going to school and this is just a temporary job? Or is she a full-time barfly? You also didn't clarify as to whether you yourself are a partier.

Regardless, I will say this: If you're not a drinker and she has no other plans for a different career, the outlook is rather bleak in my opinion. Forget what she said or what her intentions is this situation were, there is a huge lifestyle difference and that's going to be problematic. But again, I need confirmation on those details.

 

[bunjy]

Understand I know I can be quite blunt but I'm not trying tob e a prick. actually i am lol, but the reason I am being as blunt as I am is not beucase I am mean or anything like that. i want you to get it.

in other words, i would rather me hurt your feelings here, than she hurt your feeling y calling you with someone Else's **** in her mouth and then blaming the entire thing on you after she told you how much she loved you for the last few months. if that means i have to be a tad blunt than so be it. some things you can't sugar coat around. I wish someone would have jacked my ass up and told me this **** 10-12 years ago.


It all starts with respect. right now, you are compremxing things that you think are important to secure sex/ a relationship. that has to stop. even if it means not getting laid. even if it means not getting laid for a year. even if it means not getting laid for 5 years, at no point, should you ever compromise your moral values for *****. it's like relapsing on a drug, you will feel good while the sex is going on but as soon as you stop ****ing you will feel worse than you did before you took a hit and wish you could go back, but now the only you can do to make yourself stop feeling like you feel is to get more of the drug (sex).


this is what you need to do

1. seriously, throughly read the DJ bible.
2. read Rollo's blog post to post http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/
3. tell your GF that you need to talk. dont' be a jerk dont' be an *******, but just tell her that you two aren't going to work out, you see things differently than she does, and it's best she does what she does and you dow hat you do, wish ehr the best. be nice but firm. don't contact her again.
4. work on yourself. you said it yourself. you keep dating these girls. you seek these girls out beucse you think that this is what you deserve. the way to fix this is to become someone better. get in the gym get in shape. read some ****ing books lol. learn some ****. learn how to dress. make it to where in your mind, you feel like dammit.. i deserve better than bar skanks.t hey are okay for sex but i will be no bar skanks saftey net. until you get to a point where you honestly believe you are better, this is what you will always revert to. I've been there i know.
5. make a list of the things that you will not under any circumstances compromise on out of a woman. Make it realistic, and make sure that you demand the same out of yourself. in other wrods don't post that you like petite women if your fat ass can't fit into a 38 size jeans lol. If you don't like girls who drink and drug you can't drink and drug. etc. then have some **** that you don't like but under the right circumstances you can compromise on. like i'm a neat freak, seriously. my wife isn't. it's an issue but it's something i can live with given her total package. it would be silly for me to put her ass out after everything she has meant to me beucase she won't get on her knees and use some comet in the toilet.
6. profit


now as a warninbg if you do the above, she's gonna come back. no questions asked. she mis judged you, she sees you have a backbone and will find it very sexy. she will even try to half ass act right. dont' buy it. keep nc.



understand, the problem isn't that you are talking to her or even fcking her. the problem is that she has not done anything at allt o prove that she is LTR worthy. you just gave that to her. it's okay to **** girls like that.. later, once you become a better person, you can treat her accordingly. let her go do what she does and use her for the every once in a while booty call, wear it out and let some poor guy who was like you now deal with the aftermath. but right now, you aren't in a place to handle his girl like she needs to be handled.

No man I totally appreciate your honesty here. TBH its worth me giving a little back story on myself here.

Ive never had any problems getting chicks, have been in and out of LTRs for years and generally have practiced DJ principles for a long time. In short im not some kid straight out of school whos wet behind the ears.

Another thing worth mentioning is that Ive tried many different types of girls for LTRs. Ive gone with straight girls, wild ones, career driven ones, boring chicks, lunatics, foreign chicks. Its usually me whos done the dumping, sure like everyone else Ive been dumped (and been crushed) but generally Ive been the one whos had no problem walking away from a relationship.

Anyway it turns out in my own F'ed up way I kinda like drinking party girls, dunno why but its the wild edge that has always attracted me to them.

Hence my reason for carrying on with this chick despite obvious problems.

 

[YOUR BORING LIFE]

I'm sure you know this but a LTR with a 'wild party' girl isn't going to end so well for you, man.

 

[bunjy]

I'd like to know a little more information. Is she just a part-time bartender? Is she going to school and this is just a temporary job? Or is she a full-time barfly? You also didn't clarify as to whether you yourself are a partier.

Shes a full time bar waitress but is started studying next year.

Yes I am indeed myself a partier, always have been although have calmed down a lot over the past year or two (mainly after moving home from living abroad for 5 years).

Shes told me shes tired of partying and the whole drinking scene and has made moves to curb this recently. I get the feeling if indeed we did move in together she would spending less time out partying.

Shes told me shes ready to settle down.