Am i In the friend Zone? how do i get out?!

[the_reader]

i just found this website, it's amazing! I'll try not to make this post too long, we all have lives and dont' want to read forever, so i'll try a quick summary.

-Haven't dated in two years- nice guy syndrom going on

-Met girl who broke up w/bf 4 months ago (dated for 2 years) he keeps calling her and stalking her

-talked a few times on the phone about 1.5 hrs each time

-talk on msn a lot... 2 hrs almost every night

-she sms's me and tellme "i'm bored come keep me company" and usually i go runing like a little ***** and sign on to msn.

-she lends me movies and stuff that she says she doesn't usually lend to anyone at all

-she speaks french to me, she says she doesn't usually speak french to anyone because she thinks her french is terrible. but she talks half french/english with her family

-i gave her a mix cd for her trip and all she said was "ohhh mike!, i'll meet you at 9 tmr." She later said she liked some songs on the cd and that she was listening to it before she left on her trip

-she won't tell me what her and her ex talk about on the phone... she doesn't even want to mention his name, though she did let the name slip the other night

-i offered to take her for lunch sometime (as a result of helping out in some of my fundraising activities) and her reply "i'm not that interested in lunch"

-I called her before she left for vacatioin... she calls me back while waiting for her flight... we talk about movies.. her ex... other things that we have in common.

-she talks to me on msn while she's on the phone fighting w/her ex.

-she says she's a traditional girl... so i don't think she chases guys but waits for them to come to her.



k , sorry I'm kind of in the dark.. does she jsut see me as a friend? if so is there anyway to get out of this little mess? i read all those friend latter things and some of this site. Her old bf was a total *******. And now that i think back on it.. the girls i was the least interested in showed the most interest in me until i started to show interest in them... then

My female friend said to distance myself from her.. not to reply so fast if she talks to me on msn and stuff... i've right now blocked and deleted her so i won't go running like a ***** to msg her.

I thought i'd try the friend approach.. since she mentioned that her and her ex were friends since they were in gr 4 before they started dating.. but am i taking the wrong approach?

 

[DJatNewYork]

Your best bet is to just avoid all these plays and find you a different girl.

Seems like an impossible/hard choice, but trust me, it will be worth it.

Few months from now, you won't give a **** what this girl wants from you.

Stop being a *****... you have the balls, so use them. She's using you... don't talk to her anymore.

 

[the_reader]

interesting... so her telling me that she never lends thsee things to other people and that she never speaks french to other guys is just a way of keeping me so that i'll come whenever she calls? wow ... i also read pooks 15 rules... i gotta break this cycle

but say i was interested... is there anyway to pursue this girl? plz any help from all u DJ's who've learned so much

 

[DonJuanMonk]

How about getting a life?

 

[the_reader]

ahhh oook... how bout something a little more constructive?

 

[The Juan and only]

Don't listen to DonJuanMonk, he's a stupid ****nut who likes to flame people when he gets bored. Sometimes he's ok..but usually not.

Moving on...
You have been FAR to supplicating and I think you know it. Don't ever let a women control you because in the end they won't respect you.

I haven't got time to say much more but my advice would be to back off slightly - and stop being her emotional tampon, seriously, its not a good idea to try and help her with her problems involing the ex boyfriend. Just say you aren't the person to talk to about that, maybe she can chat to her girlfriends instead.

Anyway, I've got to go. just read the DJ bible (if you haven;t already) and listen the advice people give you (unless they're DonJuanMonk or any of the other ****tards who constantly flame people).



"I thought i'd try the friend approach"


generally speaking thats a bad idea, especially if you're not willing to wait months or even years for success.

 

[Easy Tiger]

Originally posted by the_reader but say i was interested... is there anyway to pursue this girl? plz any help from all u DJ's who've learned so much

Alright man, since you asked...

You are already up against the wall bent over with your pants around your ankles and your cheeks spread. This is going to be a tough situation to recover from. It may happen, it may not, but you will improve your chances if you do a few things.

1) Stop being such a quick-to-jump attention giving sycophant. What right does she have to demand you keep her company? Why should you drop what you have going on when she gets bored? You are not treating yourself as a prize. You need to start being sparing with any time you spend with her. When you do spend time with her, don't react to her attention grabbing actions. This will frustrate her, and raise her interest level. Quit validating her through your actions.

2) Don't just withdraw yourself from her presence. Do something with your time. If you have an hour to burn on MSN and two hours to burn on the phone, then you are not engaged in nearly enough stuff. Take another language course, get a second job and save for an overseas trip to hit on some French women or begin a self defence course. Anything that gets you out of the house, meeting new people and building your self esteem is perfect. You we be more interesting as a result of your new pursuit. The reason you are acting like such a pu$$y is that you have a low self esteem and too much free time to obsess of little things.

3) Stop obsessing over little things. Either she speaks French with others, or she doesn't. Either she really liked your mix tape, or she didn't. In the scheme of things, a mix tape or a shared language won't make a difference in the overall scheme of things. Over analysis leads to paralysis.

4) Seriously, seriously consider moving on. There are a number of things that are clear from what you have posted.

The woman is an attention seeker.

She is still interested in her ex-boyfriend.

She considers you nothing more than a friend.

This would be a hard situation for a proper DJ to get out of (presuming he could screw up enough to find his way into it). You would find it easier starting again with someone completely new. Think about it.

Good luck.

 

[penkitten]

i think you are in the middle for now. too long in the middle will automatically put you in the complete friend zone .

 

[j8snx1]

majority rules on this one buddy!

1) She's obviously using you for HER comfort. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF PARTNER! You have your own life to live; it's fine to be there for a friend at times but seriously, this girl is overdoing it. She's totally taking advantage of you, and you were blind from her intentions because all you had in your mind was "I will try to get her to be mine, and being there for her 24/7 will do it." (sry if i put words in your mouth, but i re-capped it in an absurd way to show you how...absurd this is)

2) Look for other girls...even if she's a 10 of 10. No matter how hot a girl is, she isn't worth it if she doesn't respect you or uses you for her benefits. Kick her ass out of your life and get a move on with yours.

3) MSN = TIME KILLER!
AIM = TIME KILLER!
Hit the gym, learn to cook, hone your game @ the malls or clubs, learn to play an instrument, volunteer at animal shelters or homeless shelters, get a job, build a computer, study religions, etc etc etc etc etc etc. THe list goes on bro, and there's an infinite amount of things you can do to improve your life and your outlook on life; forget the whole "I'll be there for you" role and build up yours!

4) Friends Zone or not, oh well. If she was the only girl left on the entire planet, THEN you got something to worry about.


:woo: :woo: :woo:

 

[Badmannaz]

i'm sorry but what you sound like right now is nothing like a real man....

i don't mean to insult you in anywa because my best friend is the same way

nice guy symptoms

1.worships female
2.comforts female
3.never makes sexual advances and when they do there very weak an unsure
4.intimidated by her
5.tells her what she wants to hear "your hair is nice...I love your old navy fleece to day it's so sporty!!"
6.would rather hang out with her than play football w/ bros (god-forbid)
7.waits on her hand and foot
8.recieves satisfaction through hugs-kiss on cheek sitting on lap
9.and never expresses true feelings because he's not a real man

i know i'm recovering from this terrible syndrome myself and my friend is still stuck on the darkside..i can't help him until i help myself...

but with her i think your kind of tainted she see's you as a weak non-boyfriend material kinda guy...you gotta become strong a confident of your feelings let her know what YOU want...

 

[the_reader]

wow thanks for all your replies. i guess i dug myself a pretty deep hole here.

just wondering at this point would telling her that i'm only interested in her romatically have any ahh detrimental effects? see... she's taking a class w/me next semester.. i dont' know how that will work out.

but i will take what you guys have said into serious thought. I think i'll join some of the martial arts classes the uni offers. and i will definately distance more from her.

haha truth hurts, and forsome reason after joining this forum.. it kind of feels like dating girls is more "ruthless" and requires a great deal of cunning... rather than relaxing and fun like i used to think

oh crap the DJ bible is huge... and the bootcamp.. ahh i don't know if i can master all this in 1.5 weeks...

well i'll read all this before asking for anymore advice

 

[Captain Popular]

-Haven't dated in two years- nice guy syndrome going on –Your probably pretty rusty with the dating game, this is good that you realize that you are a “nice” guy. Many guys who suffer from this don’t realize that it is a problem.

The take away method. =Once a woman has gotten a taste of you, kindly excuse yourself. Always leave her wanting more of you. Here is a simple little tip. When you first meet her, pretend to forget her name. She will be dying to leave a lasting impression on you so you never forget her name again. +I like to call them by another name (Kristen, ill call her Kathy, and then when saying goodbye ill say bye Kathy I mean Kristen, it doesn’t make you look stupid, but you will stand out from other regular guys.

Flirt with other women and make sure she sees it.=Women want men who are wanted by other women. This is a fact. Women are very competitive and will see you as the ultimate prize if she is competing for your affection. Also, she will quickly realize the need to snatch you up before someone else does. While using other women like this may seem cruel, never feel guilty. Trust me, you won't be giving it a second thought when the object of your desire is tearing off your shorts.

Confidence is key.=This is a no brainer. If you act like a loser, you will feel like a loser and in turn women will see you as a loser. You will never get laid this way. You will truly be a loser. When a girl calls me ****y, (because I like to say if you’re lucky a lot, playing around) it’s not a cut-low but a compliment, I say no im confident and say something like “you know your hot, you don’t see me calling you names.”

Be charming.=At social gatherings, and especially around her friends, become the center of attention. If she sees that other people like to be around you, she is likely to want to be around you also. She will want to see what all the fuss is about.

Shut the hell up.=People become more interesting the moment they close their mouths. And for women, half the fun is the challenge of figuring you out. So using this concept, don’t let her know every single thing about you, ex. don’t tell her your middle name if she asks, tell her “maybe you’ll find out at a later time if your lucky.”

Avoid serious conversations at all costs.=Scott Weiland said it best. Conversations kill. Believe it or not, women are just as scared off by these conversations as men. Maybe even more so considering they don't expect men to be willing to talk about serious relationship stuff. Unless you want to be her best friend (no booty). She needs someone to vent to but do you really want to be a listener or a “reliever of stress” kinda guy

Intimidate her.=Always look her in the eye until she looks away first. This is the same technique experts use to train dogs to be obedient. This also turns women on. But hold back on showing her physical affection. The longer you make her wait, the more she will want it. Don’t be a ***** and not look people in the eyes, I need to work on this too because im not used to it, but it is very important it shows your confidence. good in the business world as well.

Be a Bad Boy=Drink, smoke, drive a fast car; anything that she will think is exciting, adventurous, and/or intriguing. I got a cool tattoo, and bought a 69 mustang.

Choose your friends over her.=This is one of my personal favorites. The whole time you are out with your friends, she will be out with her girlfriends telling them what a jerk you are. (Unless she's out cheating on you.) But when you finally do see her again, it will be like conjugal visit day at the county prison. A lot of guys like to spend 24/7 with their girls but I spend just as much time with my buddies and her, I wouldn’t blow her off for guys but will leave time for my guy time….those clingy gurls are not fun at all.

Never, ever I mean NEVER let her know how strongly you feel for her.=I don't care if you think God has sent her just for you and you want to marry her today, never let her know that. The minute she knows you have deep feelings for her, her challenge is over. She won. She got you and her fun is over. Women see guys as a challenge and when they realize that she has finished the final lap of the indy 500 then whats next another race Dayton 500 (guy)…you know what I mean.
Never bring up her ex boyfriend..NEVER, **** what his name is….Act like you don’t know **** about this old guy, act like you don’t care about him either..when ever you bring him all you’re doing is putting him in her mind when it should be you.

-never talk to a woman for more than 20 min and im being generous. It’s good to be the one to end the convo, whether it be by lying to her or just say “hey im gunna let me go now but we can do this again another time, if your lucky” I hate it when I break this rule because I feel like a total dumbass, when you end it, it makes her feel like she didn’t get to finish talking to you and she’ll want to do it again.
Ps. Same goes with Instant messengers, make sure you have a reasonable time limit.

who gives a **** about movies she lends you, she is seeing you as a trustworthy friend and that’s not a good thing, once she put’s you in that category you’ll try to get out and you’ll get “I don’t want to ruin our friendship”
Same with the French, who cares?

don’t make this broad a damn cd……never….ever….ever…..you made a mistake and know learn from it!!!




about lunch, yeah, not a good sign…you are gunna have to work hard to get out of this friend category, sorry man but you must realize you broke every rule in the book and you might not be able to salvage this relationship but do try and if you know you cant secede well hey you got a good friend that can help you by introducing you to some girlfriends of hers and give you some good advice.


Ok about her ex though, how he was a sucky boyfriend, if you didn’t know this now you do, “some gurls love to be treated like ****…I was talking to this gurl this summer and kept losing her to the guy who always cheated on her and made her cry…sorry if this is that kinda gurl but never just give up, at least try, you never know.



ok you said they were friends since the 4th grade, see how long it took before they actually dated…forever, unless you want to wait forever like him then be her friend.

 

[flexion_]

Well you are in the friendzone and are her emotional tampon. I'd move on - honestly I don't think you can recover from this situation - well not before 2010 that is...

 

[Optimus Prime]

Be a Bad Boy=Drink, smoke, drive a fast car; anything that she will think is exciting, adventurous, and/or intriguing. I got a cool tattoo, and bought a 69 mustang.

Only thing I disagree with. Don't be something you're not. There are plenty of other ways to convey adventure and be exciting. Don't be a "try hard" (not saying you are, Captain Popular). Hit the gym, learn an instrument, becoming socially active is always good.

And always do it for yourself, not her.