Am I Doomed To Repeat Myself?

[J.T.]

Hi, DJs. Before I begin, I just want to say that I'm not looking to boost my ego or get attention to satisfy myself--I'm looking for answers. I first came to this message board over 2 years ago (January of 2001 to be exact), but under a different nick name. I've read the entire DJ Bible through three times, and many of the articles 8 or more times. I've attempted to use this information to improve my game, and to some extent it has worked. In the beginning, I was anti-social, I had basically no friends, and I couldn't talk to a rock, let alone a hot broad. These days, I've got some good friends who like to chase after women, but I still haven't scored big myself.

I'm all about going to clubs, I've even gone solo a few times too. I've danced with some great looking women, and I have even kissed a few of them as well. But that's where it stops. When it comes to being a good conversationalist, I come up short.

My problem lies in the fact that I'm quite introverted. I have a difficult time realizing how my actions and words affect people; for example, many times I have said or done things which people took as insults. It wasn't until the next day or so that it hit me that what I said was rather rude or just downright awful. I slap myself in the head, and say "I'll never do that again, I can do better", but I just screw up again somehow later on.

At other times, when there's a bunch of people over at our place (I'm rooming with 3 of my friends in a house), I sometimes retreat to my room or downstairs and preoccupy myself with a chore, a hobby, or anything. When it comes to contributing to a conversation, I don't have much luck. I get cut off by someone else, or people dont' care what I'm talking about. That's probably because I'm more of a dictionary than a person. I don't really understand fluff-talk, other than that's how a lot people talk. Since I read "How To Win Friends and Influence People", I no longer correct people on things unless it's really important, and I keep the "boring" technical talk out of the conversation.

The thing is, I haven't been able to find anything else to substitute into a conversation. Now, I'm just extra quiet, and it's gotten to the point where people think I'm cold or being arrogant (I've been told that a few times). Hell, my friends even sometimes jokingly question my sexuality: "What, you're not interested in girls anymore?"

My friends don't understand that I need to recuperate after being around lots of people, as I find it extremely tiresome and draining. I think that I should probably sit down with one of them and bring this all up the next time it's warranted. Maybe then I can at least get some understanding.

I'm truly at a loss of what to do about this, and I'm very frustrated about this whole problem in general. If there are any other introverts that have had any success, or if you would like to share what worked for you, I would be grateful to here it.

- Frustrated and feeling misunderstood,

J.T.

 

[Starman]

yes

 

[J.T.]

Originally posted by Starman
yes

Pass me some of what you're drinking, I think I'm going to need it now.

 

[Starman]

Alrighty JT..I just read your post,

your question is somewhat vague..but Ill try to answer what I think you said..

you have always had a challenge with being social..(i have too in the past)..

you sound like you saying you are introverted..but when you try to become social..you come out more as insulting then C/F..

KEEP PRACTICING

god knows all the insults Ive hurled at people while trying to progress a conversation..

What makes you think you are coming off as insulting? and what makes u think this is your problem?

 

[One on One]

You are my long-lost twin, man. I have the exact same issues. Only in the past few months did I finally start looking for fun and I realize just how bad my social skills are. I'm just trying to practice and practice. My social life is improving and I'm sure yours is and will continue to improve as long as you work on it. Take small steps.

I've noticed in myself that I've become very strong socially around some of my old friends because I've learned better social skills by hanging around people with better social skills than myself. Associate with people people and partiers and their social skills will rub off on you. Just be patient with yourself.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Damn, I need to finish my autobio. I hear exactly what you're saying. While I was growing up, I began relating large gatherings to depression. Unfortunately, this has carried over into my adulthood, and I still find myself struggling with it all. Your anti-social must have some kind of roots, and understanding their roots will help you overcome the battle you're having. It's a long battle, but you need to keep working on yourself. Keep working on improving your social skills. One that I've found extremely useful is having an incredible sense of humor. Go out and buy yourself some comedy albums, and listen to them over and over again. If you can create something funny out of an ordinary statement, you'll attract people with your wit. If you can make a funny comment from an observation, you'll be able to fill in the gaps in conversation.

 

[One on One]

Originally posted by Bungo Pony
Damn, I need to finish my autobio. I hear exactly what you're saying. While I was growing up, I began relating large gatherings to depression. Unfortunately, this has carried over into my adulthood, and I still find myself struggling with it all. Your anti-social must have some kind of roots, and understanding their roots will help you overcome the battle you're having. It's a long battle, but you need to keep working on yourself. Keep working on improving your social skills. One that I've found extremely useful is having an incredible sense of humor. Go out and buy yourself some comedy albums, and listen to them over and over again. If you can create something funny out of an ordinary statement, you'll attract people with your wit. If you can make a funny comment from an observation, you'll be able to fill in the gaps in conversation.

I second that. It's extremely important to understand the roots of a problem. When I found the roots to my problem of unhappiness, I started to finally improve. At first, I thought I was unhappy because I underachieved in high school and was in with the wrong crowd in college so I set my heart on transferring. Now, I've finally realized that my problem was that I never learned social skills from my parents and I just don't have much social experience, in general. Truth be told, it doesn't matter what college I went to...it's my fault I couldn't fit in. So, now I understand that I have some issues with socializing and I just need to deal with it. I push myself out of my comfort zone every chance I get.

I'm starting to push myself out of my comfort zone at an even quicker pace in the last few weeks. I made my first approach last weekend and I've now made about 5 in a week. I have started dancing, asking girls to dance, getting dances from girls I don't know. I put myself through a ton of anxiety today at an amusement park in an uncomfortable social situation. Tomorrow, I'll be at a small club with a girl I know and I won't be able to hide in this club. She'll be noticing me all night and if I don't get down and let loose and party and dance with other girls, she's going to see that. This makes me all the more wanting to let loose tomorrow night and break down some more barriers. I was uncomfortable at this club last week so I'm going back and hoping to extend my range of comfortability. It's all about pushing yourself. The man who isn't moving forward is moving backwards.

 

[Victory]

Originally posted by J.T.
My friends don't understand that I need to recuperate after being around lots of people, as I find it extremely tiresome and draining. I think that I should probably sit down with one of them and bring this all up the next time it's warranted. Maybe then I can at least get some understanding.

I understand that feeling completely, because I am a major introvert -- but for chrissakes, do NOT tell your buddies! It will only make things worse.

"Wait, don't talk to J.T., I think he's in one of his 'moods', again."

A lot of it depends on who you're with. When I'm around my family or even certain co-workers, I don't say more than a couple of words at a time, because I feel like I'm being scrutinized. That makes it worse sometimes, because when I do say something, someone will make a comment like "oh wow, he said something." I'm fine with it though, because I always think to myself "yeah, well, with my good friends, I'm a total blast." Just knowing that eliminates my self-consciousness.

I got much better at conversations when I had to do it for my job. Working at a busy hotel or restaurant is a great way to develop your skills because you'll be talking to strangers and co-workers all day, every day, and you'll always have something to talk about. Like the others said, you need to practice, and you'll get a LOT of practice that way.

I developed my style of humor while working the graveyard shift at a hotel. When I first started the job, I hardly said anything for MONTHS. When you're stuck in a job like that, though, you need conversation to stay entertained. There was one older lady in our group who had an awesome sense of humor, and I got to the point where I was ripping on her and making jokes all night until she was laughing so hard she had to pee.

Last night I had my first real date since working that job years ago, and I used those same skills with great success (you can read the post on that one.)

Being an introvert isn't actually a bad thing. Joe DiMaggio was an introvert, and so is Barry Bonds. It's just your temperment and when you accept that, I think you'll find it easier to improve your social skills.

Good luck, be cool with yourself,


Victory



________

You don't get something for nothing
You can't have freedom for free
You won't get wise
With the sleep still in your eyes
No matter what your dreams might be

-- Rush

 

[bp1974]

Originally posted by J.T.
My friends don't understand that I need to recuperate after being around lots of people, as I find it extremely tiresome and draining. I think that I should probably sit down with one of them and bring this all up the next time it's warranted. Maybe then I can at least get some understanding.

If they're good friends and you trust them, then this is a good idea. Part of learning how to make real contact with people and allow them to feel comfortable with you is to feel able to tell them the truth about what's going on for you. You'd be surprised how well friends react when you let down your guard a bit.

I don't like the pressure you're putting on yourself about going to this club with this girl. You say that she's going to be watching you all night and (I guess) judging you on your social skills. This is a PROJECTION. It's YOU who is watching and judging yourself, you're the one putting all this performance pressure on.

Try and relax a bit, tell yourself that no-one is watching you or judging you badly (this is the truth). We're our own worst critics most of the time. Other people are usually much more forgiving of our shortcomings than we are.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

You can change (because I did)

I used to be one of the most introverted people in my class, 10 years later I'm easily one of the most extroverted person my friends know.

I was quiet, a bully victim, disliked by a lot of people for being who I was. Then I learned how to change when I moved areas.

How?

- Recognition of the problem
- Reading psych books, conv. skills books
- Playing and being good at a team sport - (got recognition from peers)
- Social life - went out drinking in my local every day after work for 3 months - went back to college "able to hold my drink" - meant that instead of being blotto after 3 pints I'm able to party with the best of them

I think one of the most important ones was being good at a sport - I got peer recognition and huge respect for being picked on a representative side. Nothing gives you confidence like that does. Find something you excell at (it could be music). Everyone is exceptionally talented in at least one area.

It might help to read some about the Enneagram (I'm a 5 - check that introverted baby out). Being a virgo didn't help either

You can do it, cos I did.