Am I doing it right?

[Paris1968]

First time poster - addicted to this place, SO much positive energy here. I'll try to be brief.

Divorced 10 years, just now starting to get back in the game. Because of a HB9 girl I was nuts about and she dumped me because I was an All World AFC. Now she has a new guy but it's been about 8 months and I see signs that it may have run its course.

We work together. (Yeah, I know) She approached me while she was married - just fun and games, right? - but then we fell for each other, she left her husband and 8 months later she left me. FNG was in my place about 3 weeks later. She always said he's not any more permanent than we ever intended to be. Now I think she's getting bored again.

Here's the thing tho - I read the DJ Bible, joined the gym, bought a brand new car, quick drinking beer and lost about 20 lbs, started wearing a tie every day, dressing up to go to Target, the works. Prepping my property to go back on the market. I was in love with my Xbox, but she showed me what I was missing. Now I'm ready to go back out and get it. Not only did I deserve her - I deserve BETTER than her. Making some changes long overdue. I realized that Men get what they deserve, same as Chumps do. Time to cowboy up and take what I want.

SO - now it's "We should have movie night once a week" and "let's do lunch" and texting and kino and all manner of IOI from her. We're still very close, even tho I was a complete basket case all summer. Now getting my sh*t together and doing some on-off attention, some negs, etc. At first I wanted to win her back like an idiot - now I find that's, at best, a happy side effect. Don't want what I had before with her, that was weird and intense - but I'd still hit it like I paid for it.

Thing is - she's an aplha female of the first order. A TRUE player with miles of experience in the Game, from way back. After exhaustive research in the summer, I also have a thousand reasons to believe that she's a malignant narcissist. But at least she's self-aware, it's something she struggles with. And just knowing she's that way helps me to understand and deal with her.

Hell, not sure what I'm even asking. I suppose it's this: anyone have any success stories about self-improvement and reconnecting with an ex, but this time on MY terms, controlling the battlefield and making something very cool work in a non-exclusive, FWB kind of way?

(I know many will say no, exes are exes - and I agree, and I know I need to meet more women, and I intend to - with the caveat that MY situation, is of course, different ;-)

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

No, it's not.

Read:
https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/rooting-through-garbage/

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

 

[Paris1968]

Actually I was kidding, but....

Harsh words. I already knew the answer. I think most of us usually do.

So are you saying that I should draw a hard line on this even if she initiates something? I feel like it's inevitable. And it'd be hard to not hit it, just once.

Really respect the opinions here. Just curious if you reckon this should be a hard and fast rule. I know it'd be foolish to pursue her. But I feel like she's about to start pursuing me and I want to have a game plan.

 

[zekko]

It's great you're getting yourself together, but poison is poison. Do you really want poison in your life?

 

[Paris1968]

Maybe friends should stay friends and call it a day.

I can see a thread of consistency in the responses already. I remember hearing once that when enough people tell you that you've got a tail - you damn well better turn round and look.

I think maybe I just want to hit it again because she's hot and I think she maybe wants to have a tumble with the New Me. But if I stay on course, there'll be dozens of those in line for it soon enough.

Thanks.

 

[Findog]

I know of situations where people have gotten back together after a significant amount of time apart and are still together, but it is far more the exception and not the rule.

- My sister and brother in law were high school sweethearts, dated for about 5-6 years, broke up for 9 months ( sister - dumper, bro in law - dumpee), then they got back together, got engaged shortly thereafter, and have been married now for 8 years. They have three kids. They have their ups and downs like any married couple, but they seem committed to each other.

- Friend of mine was dating this guy, they got to the looking at rings stage and she was expecting a proposal, but then his dad died, he got cold feet, he was hung up on his grief over his dad and he left her. They got back together after over a year apart and finally married.

- A lady I work with dated this guy for about two years, they started drifting apart. They never formally broke up, they just stopped calling each other. They were apart for over a year before she broke NC and they slowly reestablished their relationship and have been together for over two years now.

But for those three relationships that were (so far) successfully rekindled, thousands more perished for good. The way I see it, if it's meant to be, then the universe will conspire to make it happen. In the meantime, just get on with your life and try to make a connection with somebody new. If your ex wants to be with you, she'll let you know. It's not going to happen by chasing after that which does not want to be caught.

 

[heroshima]

LJBF her and use her as a wing. Take her out and then pivot off to other chicks.

 

[Paris1968]

BOOM. We have a winner. And she's be happy to do it, too. She'd be an excellent wingman. My ex wife is, too. Ha!

Reading my original post again, I may have left the impression that "winning her back" was part of my plan. Actually it wasn't, but this appears to be happening and I don't want to be blind-sided if she broaches the topic of a physical reunion, whether after giving it long thought or even just a spontaneous one-off.

Just better to have a plan than to make a foolish spot decision if and when that moment arrives.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Dude, you don't want this chick or your ex-wife to be your wingman...

What sort of decent woman would view you seriously when upon their first encounter with you, you're surrounded by these broads?

Cut your ties with these women.

Take your new self and grow wings -- fly up into the sky where you can burn free.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Maybe friends should stay friends and call it a day.

Women have boyfriends and girlfriends, if you're not ƒucking her you're her girlfriend.

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/11/30/intergender-friendship/

I think maybe I just want to hit it again because she's hot and I think she maybe wants to have a tumble with the New Me. But if I stay on course, there'll be dozens of those in line for it soon enough.

No, you want to hit it again because you perceive her as a "sure thing". Your subconscious is just being pragmatic; she represents the lowest risk of rejection in resolving your sexual gratification. You think it would be easier to ƒuck her than it would to actually risk rejection and employ Game in order to bang a new girl.

All of the time and effort you spend in contemplation about this Ex is time and effort better spent on developing new prospects. You shouldn't even be burning the calories it takes for the mental effort.

 

[zekko]

I remember hearing once that when enough people tell you that you've got a tail - you damn well better turn round and look.

Lol, that's pretty funny. Is that an Oklahoma saying?

Thing is - she's an aplha female of the first order. A TRUE player with miles of experience in the Game, from way back. After exhaustive research in the summer, I also have a thousand reasons to believe that she's a malignant narcissist. But at least she's self-aware, it's something she struggles with. And just knowing she's that way helps me to understand and deal with her.

Look, dude, you're saying right here she's malignant. Why do you want a malignancy in your life? You just like having her around because she's hot. And all this bit about understanding her and how to deal with her is just you rationalizing a reason to keep her around.

 

[Paris1968]

You guys are all correct. Just validating my inner Jiminy Cricket. He's right too. He always knows the best thing.

Tomassi is dead spot on with everything he's said. It is the sure thing, that's what's making me think that way.

Trick for me is, I sorta have to "keep her around". She's the Associate Director of my unit and I'm the Staff Assistant, basically a glorified receptionist. Her office is 20 meters from my desk. I'm stuck with her for the time being. I'd have NC'd her a long time ago if I could. But it is what it is.

As it stands, it's not something I even have to worry about yet. Probably wishful thinking on my part, dregs of the AFC hanging around. But Tomassi is right, every minute of this is time wasted.

LJBF, and I'll endure her teasing, but it'll probably get pretty intense if she comes to believe I'm really not gonna let her have any. I'm still a noob DJ, but I'm feeling like even when you're getting laid, it can still be an AFC move.