Am I being AFC?

[STR8UP]

Point taken, but that still doesn't explain why she only does it when she is with this girl. We were together all weekend, and everything was normal as usual. But Monday is when she started this. She's already talking about spending this weekend with me, even after she has been MIA all this week.

And she did actually say that for the past 11 months, she has neglected her friendships. Which she probably has, because she hasn't really spent any time with anyone but me. It started with the trip though... and she is also on break from school right now.

Dude, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you DID say to "be brutal".

The brutal truth is that the friend thing is an EXCUSE. I would have my doubts that she is even actually WITH this girl, but that's beside the point. The point is that no matter what this is all about, it is a SIGN. And it's a sign that points to waning interest.

This started all of a sudden huh? No cell phone service? Women with proven IL will not all of a sudden realize that they have been neglecting their friends and put you on the back burner.

Keep in mind that women have a pie plate that needs to be filled. If she feels (for whatever reason) that you are not giving her the whole pie, she will seek out pieces from elsewhere. And I'm not talking about pieces that can be filled by friends and family, I'm talking about pieces that can only be filled by lovers or potential lovers.

Proceed with caution.

 

[Unprez]

no need to assume the worst ... everyone is beating around the bush.... she is flaky so just dont' get attached and keep ur options open end of story....doesn't mean u break up wit her, just be prepared to severe ties with her and having another options open the minute it occurs.

 

[guru1000]

The next night I called her before going to bed, within 30 seconds she said that she was tired and ready for bed. No real conversation. So I obliged. (terrible excuse?)

I didn't talk to her the next day, then on the fourth day, she began calling and texting whenever her cell phone worked again.

------------
This week, she went and stayed with the same friend. She has spoken to me for about 10 minutes total all week. She's not distant. She's the same person. She just made excuses both nights to get off the phone, (sleepy and movie is startings)

This is what I refer to as covert disrespect.

How does a man tolerate such treatment without overt disclosure and/or walking away, and then expect to maintain a respectable relationship thereafter.

You should have addressed this behavior at the first tinge of disrespect. Instead you let her covertly ABUSE you and are looking for damage control.

This relationship is over unless you do the following,

- Overtly express your boundaries and expectations
- Walk away

You only return if she proves to be a worthwhile player in your world AFTER you have done the above.

Grow a backbone today Don Juan and never stay in a damaged frame again.

 

[DavenJuan]

alot of different opinions on what is going on..

bootlegger, i have to add a few points here.

your question from the OP was are you being AFC?

my answer to that would be no, however the biggest problem I SEE, is that you take issue with something yet you dont address it..??

her REACTION to this , once addressed, is the most important thing in this equation.

MAYBE she is "trying not to be rude"

MAYBE she is potentially using this gf as a cover up like some stated

MAYBE she is being immature and playing games

the bottomline is, you have accepted this behaviour that you clearly dislike and havent addressed it. dont speculate.

Str8up is right about one thing, always follow your gut, the problem with this statement however, is that our judgement is OFTEN clouded by our own EGO.

..before you make any harsh judgements, dont assume, but also dont sit by and FEEL this way you do

 

[Sinistar]

bootlegger,

Here's a simple question. When your GF finally contacts you and you talk does she want to spend a lot of time talking about her friend and what they were talking about? If the answer is a solid YES then it's probably just girly stuff being worked out. However, if it's NO and she's not wanting to talk about it with you then she is very likely hiding something. Women are interesting, they need a really good friend or two to take care of girl talk, emotional support, etc. But when they are into you they will always want to share the best details with you right afterwards. It's just the way they are wired.

A few other questions. How old is she? Do you live together? Are you absolutely (100%) sure she is actually with her friend when you've called her and she aborted calls.

Another thought. A woman that is into you and has to cut you short on the phone will almost always slip in a "I'll call you back in a bit" which is indeed later followed by a lengthy call afterwards (actions, not words) because she misses you more than she needs her friend's attention. And if she doesn't get back to you she will feel crappy about it and apologize as soon as you talk next (not always, but much more likely than not). Also, if her phone is wacked, she'll ask to use her friends if needed.

Finally, when I fly back from Florida next month leaving my wife and daughter with the grandparents I can't wait for a real "guy sh!t" week. Crappy food, macho movies, sleeping in, hour workouts on the elliptical with the stereo cranked instead of headphones, finish the next part of our theatre room, more PC time to edit a short movie I started who knows when, beers with the guys who think I forgot about them, etc. Do you see the point - when the ladies are away we can sit and wait for the phone to ring or enjoy our true free time.

They always seem to call first if you seem busier

 

[Colossus]

Women are interesting, they need a really good friend or two to take care of girl talk, emotional support, etc. But when they are into you they will always want to share the best details with you right afterwards. It's just the way they are wired.

This is a good point, and a reliable barometer to indicate if she is hiding something.

When women are into you they generally will talk to you about everything that happens in their life. Especially gossipy stuff and what happened while she was away. As Sinistar laid out, any lapses in communication are rectified or explained without your asking.

When interest is fading, however, you start to see behavior like she has been showing you recently. I also think this is covert disrespect.

GURU- I'm curious to hear how you would go about laying down a boundary with this. If he calls her out on being short with him on the phone, what is likely to happen is she will get defensive about being with her friend, he may start to question himself wondering if what she did was really uncool after all, and he risks coming out with more of a damaged frame than before. If he doesn't say anything then the issue goes untouched, unless he just walks out; which I think would be a little extreme given he has no real evidence of her cheating or being shady.

 

[guru1000]

GURU- I'm curious to hear how you would go about laying down a boundary with this. If he calls her out on being short with him on the phone, what is likely to happen is she will get defensive about being with her friend, he may start to question himself wondering if what she did was really uncool after all, and he risks coming out with more of a damaged frame than before. If he doesn't say anything then the issue goes untouched, unless he just walks out; which I think would be a little extreme given he has no real evidence of her cheating or being shady.

I can honestly say in all my previous exclusive relationships, I have never been treated with such covert disrespect. Maybe it is a result of the woman understanding if she chooses to act in this capacity, the relationship is over.

The OP has not set the correct frame and understanding of who he is in this relationship. Where it is almost instinctual for me to walk away at such behavior, here he is wondering what to do next. The real issue here is why he has not set boundaries from the beginning of who he is and what he expects.

Here the OP is 11 months into exclusivity without any clear rules of conduct. That in itself is enough for the girl to LACK a healthy respect for him. If he lacks standards for himself, then naturally so will the relationship lack structure.

I don’t know the explicit details of his relationship. But from what I read here, the relationship is already over. This kind of covert disrespect that is ALLOWED, decreases his value to zero in this rapport. Rather than to walk away and say nothing, it is best he expresses his expectations without hopes of reconciling. Once his expectations are overtly disclosed, his next move is to walk away.

The method I describe should not be done with hopes of repairing this damaged frame. After all, it is already very damaged. This is what I refer to as the Russian Roulette of frame control. He lays down the law and expresses his discontent. Then without giving her an option, he walks away.

The only way for this relationship to survive is for her to submit to him. After disclosing why he is walking and then walking, this gives him the ability to see her true IL. If she does not return, nothing is lost. After all, this relationship is already over.

If she does return, it will begin with the correct frame and more importantly understanding that this relationship will only continue governed by his rules of conduct. This sets the benchmark for future respectful behavior and healthy standards for both himself and relationship.

 

[Ollie]

Wow. Seriously. What's with everyone here always assuming the worst? Like 95% of the people on here have no backbone or don't know the meaning of the word persistence. Everyone's so quick to give up, yet they tell themselves how confident they are while masking their insecurity and fear of failure with a macho attitude acting like their leaving a girl that lost interest in them is the tough guy thing to do. Makes me chuckle.

How is his GF being busy on vacation disrespectful to him? Do you want a girlfriend who's always attached and clingy and calling you every 5 minutes? Or a girlfriend who's life is complete and she's whole as a person? To answer your question, yes you are acting like an AFC. Where's your confidence and trust at? You said she's not distant when she talks to you, and she's acting normal, so what's the problem? You call her during dinner time and right before bed and she doesn't drop everything to talk to you? Her having her own life somehow makes you less important?

Stop dwelling on the negative. If you were out with your friends and about to eat and she called you what would you do? Honestly are you gonna answer the phone and sit there talking for an hour? I sure as hell hope not. Just remember what it means to be confident and self assured. I'd be willing to bet you're acting needy now when you talk to her and that's probably pushing her away if anything is. You can't control her thoughts or feelings so why worry about them. If you can't be happy alone, you can't be happy in a relationship, so work on being happy within yourself. A truly confident man won't worry about stuff like this, cause if she walked away there wouldn't be a hole there where she used to be. Your behavior is self defeating...you're worried that she might be losing interest and your actions now probably will make that a reality. Man up.

And finally, when the three of you are together, don't go off on your own and watch football. Take ownership of the frame and steer it in the direction you want it to go. Seems to me from the little I know that when the three of you are together you feel like you're competing for your gf's attention with the friend. Change the frame. Make the gf feel like she has to compete with her friend for your attention.

 

[Ganondorf]

I see what you are saying, but is this really a change?

I know that if I was on vacation, I would probably do the same thing. but the difference, would be that I would talk to her longer, with better quality, because that is what she needs.

That's Just a difference of opinion tho, bro

Some people require more attention then others. SHe may be the type who doesn't need to talk to you all the time and can be fine with knowing that she'll talk to you later

you on the other hand seem to be the one who requires more attention. nothing wrong with that, but with the whole situation, craving her attention will only hurt you.

Like another poster said, Don't torture yourself with insecure thoughts. She is not cheating on you. she is not gay. Worrying about these things will only make you feel worse. especially when you have NO evidence of any of these thigns, Nor any reason to doubt her Loyalty.

Try doing your own thing. Hang out with your friends. Have a life outside of her. Talk to her when you can and be glad to. Stop worrying about every little thing she does differently. Women, like men, are human, and change behaviors sometimes. All her reasons for not talking seem pretty good to me. She's on vacation with her friend's family. she's their to spend time with them afterall. if she wanted to just talk to you all day then she'd just stay home. You mentioned that she doesn't see this friend much. that's your answer right there for all her sudden changes lol. she's spending time with her friend that she rarely sees for a change. she sees her boyfriend everyday

she's only on vacation for a little bit, she'll be back. so in the mean time, enjoy your alone time