Always Hate This Scenario - Need Some Quick Advice

[Smartone84]

Kind of glad it happened though because I've never asked you guys how to handle it. I think it's honestly one of the only things left that still makes me scratch my head in both anger and confusion.

35 year old SMV 7 from NYC - Divorced - Wants kids - Pediatric doctor - extremely nice/well spoken. Seemed down to earth Enough from our messages, so I go in for the date the next day via text after I NC. I ask if she'd like to meet at a particular place for a glass of wine this Friday after work. 2 hours later this is her response:

"Hey there! I'm still figuing out the weekend bc I have to head home, but not sure when. Friday is likely good, but would it be okay to get back to you in a couple of days once I know for sure? And [the wine place] sounds lovely"

Not sure WHEN you're heading home? Why are you even on a dating site if you don't even have your life organized to the point where you can't set up a simple first date? Let me tell you, I've experienced this type of awful response before when asking some girls out and I can honestly say it usually doesn't end up well from what I've remembered. While I'm very curious what you all think, to me, the simple fact that this person, a 35 year old adult, doesn't find it weird to put me, another 35 year old adult, on hold for DAYS about hanging out, is not only bizarre and rather immature and teenage like, but I also feel as if its a slap in the face to the point that it shows she simply doesn't value me or my time in any way shape or form. How do you all think I should proceed?

 

[jaymbrs]

Never take what a woman says at face value. She's weighing her options. Just tell her you can't make last minute plans and see what she says. In the meantime try and lineup other dates.

 

[Smartone84]

She's weighing her options.

Basically what I'm thinking too

 

[Black Widow Void]

No matter the gender, we all have some baggage.. and with this, we can see 'red flags' when it may not necessarily be.
Any man with dating experience has probably been 'on trial' for innocent actions (that reminded them of their ex)ot fun. Right?

Speaking from experience, I've been known to apply "guilty until proven innocent" with women and in retrospect, it's really not a fair thing to do.

If you haven't replied to her text, here's a suggestion:

You: Sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed, and I understand. I hope you'll also understand that I don't want to put an exciting Friday in limbo until the last minute. Reach back out when the timing is better and maybe we can arrange something.

 

[Smartone84]

If you haven't replied to her text, here's a suggestion:

You: Sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed, and I understand. I hope you'll also understand that I don't want to put an exciting Friday in limbo until the last minute. Reach back out when the timing is better and maybe we can arrange something.

So under no circumstances do you think I should write ok sounds good, let me know when you figure out your schedule ?

 

[Kotaix]

She's not putting you on hold, you're putting yourself on hold. You're free do make other plans around that date and tell her she took too long if she gets back to you, but you'd still like to meet her. That way you show value and you leave the door open to her.

You're taking offense and you don't know her side of the story. This problem is entirely in your head.

 

[Black Widow Void]

So under no circumstances do you think I should write ok sounds good, let me know when you figure out your schedule ?

Absolutely not. You ever want to give off the impression that you are "waiting by the phone." Instead, you want to be low-key' (as if you aren't even invested enough to care at this point) .. and that you are still open to the option (yes *option*) if both your schedules permit.

You may think that you are reducing your chances with this gal by implying the above,. Trust me on this one. You are creating value and that which is appreciated is more cherished.

 

[Smartone84]

Absolutely not. You ever want to give off the impression that you are "waiting by the phone." Instead, you want to be low-key' (as if you aren't even invested enough to care at this point) .. and that you are still open to the option (yes *option*) if both your schedules permit.

You may think that you are reducing your chances with this gal by implying the above,. Trust me on this one. You are creating value and that which is appreciated is more cherished.

I hear ya. Her throwing in the "Friday is likely good" line though is kinda getting to me though. I feel as if its a test more than anything else, but i'll just never know. One thing is for sure the entire story is bs. That I'm aware. Thanks.

 

[Smartone84]

Normally I would just make other plans and not mention a thing but if it really bothers you then this is a relatively tactful way to go about it.

Says the guy who just said a few posts ago how this all isn't really a bad thing, lol (?)

 

[Black Widow Void]

"likely good" can sound promising if one does not have alternate plans (I know, I've been there). I can also say from experience.. that being available and accepting to her last minute acceptance is not a position where you want to be. This will diminish her interest, curisoity and investment with you.

Seriously, it's time to push back a little with her. I hope other members will chime in with their experience and reaffirm my suggestion,

 

[Smartone84]

I sent her your suggestion, close to word for word. I get all your saying, believe me. That's not the kind of response a man is looking for when he asks a woman out. My time is valuable, and i'm not about to put myself on hold for this girl and her bs reasons about not knowing this or that, etc. The line about how Friday is "likely good" is LIKELY just some sugar she threw in there so the text didn't come off as a complete joke. Had she said she'd get back to me first thing tomorrow AM, that would be one thing. To also add on she'd let me know in a "Few days", is a sham. I'm proud of myself.

 

[gettinit]

There are a ton of scenarios for the situation that she presented and she could be working her schedule at this very moment to free up time to meet you. Orrr... She is waiting for an ask from someone else before committing. Orrr.. she is waiting to see if you come off as desperate. Orrr..

Don't kill yourself over this. I agree with what @Black Widow Void offered, but you could also put a little variation in there:

You: Sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed, and I understand. I hope you'll also understand that I don't want to put an exciting Friday in limbo until the last minute. Reach back out when your plans are solid we can see if we can still arrange something.

That puts the pressure back on her. If you have already made other plans, all good. If not, you have the option of seeing her.

Edit: Oh well, apparently a moment too late. Good luck with it.

 

[Smartone84]

She responded saying "I think that sounds great- Thanks again!"

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I sometimes take the offer off the table when this happens but lately I’ve been doing this:
“Hey no worries,
play it by ear”, don’t say anything more, and if you don’t hear from her by the next day with a yes, when and if she does get back to you and if she says she is free, you tell her, “Hey good to hear from you. I have plans for Friday now but let’s pick another day that will work” and let her bring up whether she wants to see you and if so what day works for her.

I prefer this to taking the offer away because it’s much more more calibrated. I prefer to demonstrate that I’m not going to wait around for her and that I have enough of a life that if she snoozes she loses, rather than warning her about it.

Part of why I don’t like the takeaway as much is that you are trying to force compliance from someone who doesn’t know you yet. It’s uncalibrated. You can get complaints after the first or second date but the hotter, successful girls aren’t going to give compliance to a stranger typically.

 

[Smartone84]

Part of why I don’t like the takeaway as much is that you are trying to force compliance from someone who doesn’t know you yet. It’s uncalibrated. You can get complaints after the first or second date but the hotter, successful girls aren’t going to give compliance to a stranger typically.

I get the point, but for me the reality is that I'm more than likely going to be free Friday anyway, and it's nice to kind of leave it open seeing if she eventually comes back to me about trying to go out Fri after all, while at the same time knowing that I also kind told her no, in a way. Is it a bit of a DLV if I still had Friday open when she comes back? Yes, but at least she knew I wasn't ok with playing the wait by my phone game. My response was the best of both worlds imo.

 

[AttackFormation]

OP you are letting this dent you far too much.

I have a very simple policy for dates with women: I expect them to flake. This also naturally leads to a low investment of effort before she has invested in me. So, it does not matter to me what they say. It doesn't affect my mindset or my course of action. I just put in as little effort as possible and agree to whatever they say, whether it's an agreement to meet, a postponement, or an excuse to not meet (in which case they were never looking to meet, just get entertainment and validation - but my low investment policy minimizes my loss of energy from that).

My response would simply have been "Yea sure" and then I would have moved on, expecting her to flake, and proceeding accordingly.

 

[Bokanovsky]

You: Sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed, and I understand. I hope you'll also understand that I don't want to put an exciting Friday in limbo until the last minute. Reach back out when the timing is better and maybe we can arrange something.

That sounds a little too aggrieved. Cut out the BS and be more direct:

Her: I'm still trying to figure out blah blah blah. Is it okay for me to get back to you in a couple of days?
You: I don't want to leave Friday plans until last minute. Text me next week and will set something up for the following weekend.

And that's it. If she texts you the following week, fine. If she doesn't, who cares. No sweat off your back. On to the next one.

 

[2Rocky]

M from E has a good point on the coffee date. I've had good luck online meeting women the same day for coffee. One met me 2 hours after returning my opener. Another met me for lunch on a Sunday as I was on the highway and said I'd be driving through her town in 30 minutes. I met another the same night for a drink, and she took care of business in the parking lot that night.

User the coffee date to determine if she is worth devoting a "Hunting" night of Fri or Sat ...when single women will be out in the wild...

Holidays are tough for scheduling stuff. I wouldn't penalize a woman too much for trying to fit family functions in around a dating life. I also wouldn't put my options on hold for a first date.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Kind of glad it happened though because I've never asked you guys how to handle it. I think it's honestly one of the only things left that still makes me scratch my head in both anger and confusion.

35 year old SMV 7 from NYC - Divorced - Wants kids - Pediatric doctor - extremely nice/well spoken. Seemed down to earth Enough from our messages, so I go in for the date the next day via text after I NC. I ask if she'd like to meet at a particular place for a glass of wine this Friday after work. 2 hours later this is her response:

"Hey there! I'm still figuing out the weekend bc I have to head home, but not sure when. Friday is likely good, but would it be okay to get back to you in a couple of days once I know for sure? And [the wine place] sounds lovely"

Not sure WHEN you're heading home? Why are you even on a dating site if you don't even have your life organized to the point where you can't set up a simple first date? Let me tell you, I've experienced this type of awful response before when asking some girls out and I can honestly say it usually doesn't end up well from what I've remembered. While I'm very curious what you all think, to me, the simple fact that this person, a 35 year old adult, doesn't find it weird to put me, another 35 year old adult, on hold for DAYS about hanging out, is not only bizarre and rather immature and teenage like, but I also feel as if its a slap in the face to the point that it shows she simply doesn't value me or my time in any way shape or form. How do you all think I should proceed?

OP,

You're totally lacking the Abundance Mindset. Based on this message you're highly susceptible to Oneitis too. You need to fix both ASAP. Who gives a f*uck if she can't meet? Why are you so freaked about this to the point of posting on a men's dating site about it?

Her: "Hey there! I'm still figuing out the weekend bc I have to head home, but not sure when. Friday is likely good, but would it be okay to get back to you in a couple of days once I know for sure? And [the wine place] sounds lovely"

Me: "Ok"

Then I start swiping or messaging new chicks and set up more dates or go out with some existing women, "my orbiters," if you will. Maybe I'll message her again in a week or two if she doesn't reach out first. Plus, people have lives outside of dating; career, kids, aging parents (perhaps), health, friends, hobbies, pets, etc., etc. Funny you're so put off by her response. It's pretty par for the course and benign.

You need to work on yourself, man-up and get tough, and not care so much.

Best of luck to you.

~Dash~

 

[bcude]

You should put minimal investment into women you haven't had sex with yet, let alone women you haven't even met.
Posting threads about it shows too much investment already, so it's alot about your mindset.
I think Attackformation said it well and i also agree with the sentence posted by Black Widow Void with a slight adjustment at the end if you really want to write something, but in this particular scenario i would just say "ok" and have other plans ready. That's your problem, you want to know because you don't have other dates lined up already.

"Reach back out when your schedule is more clear and let's see if I HAVE TIME."

not maybe we can this and that. You are the prize remember.

Point is minimal investment from your side and let her do the rest now.