Fellow gentlemen - long time lurker,
I've run into what I consider to be a very unique situation that I need assistance remedying. Before you run off and say 'your princess is in another castle' go ahead and read the whole thing through.
So I've been seeing this girl for a couple months on and off. We're not official anything, and I'm OK with this. I meet some of her friends, she meets some of my friends, we **** a lot, whatever it's cool. We find out that we really like each other.
She's going overseas for a couple months and I'm like 'yeah hey do what you want, I'm not here to take you off the market, I think we have a good thing going, but by all means go explore, I'm going to do the same.'
Now I'm no fool as to what that means. I've ****ed a couple girls since she left, but this one really kills me. We're close, like real tight. Her personality is amazing and I could totally see it working.
I want you all to keep in mind my goal here was to create entirely a no-pressure situation.
So time is passing.. I haven't been in the same room as her in over a month and a half...and of all things, things are actually escalating between the both of us. This is because I'm a cool mother****er and don't care what she's been doing. god damn right?
She sent me (completely ****ing unexpected) an elaborate Valentine's day present and it floored the **** out of me. So i'm like 'damn this girl wants me'. We continue to have deep and engrossing situations and I pry at her little by little. She shares a lot about herself, her feelings, etc with me.. it's crazy. (you really should see the **** we write each other. I think you gentlemen would be surprised, but I'm not here to think that my situation is better or more unique than anyone else's killer relationship)
So i'm starting to really feel for this girl. Because of this, I muster of the courage and mention visiting her at some point in time, but only if I know it's going to be worth my while. I'm hinting quite obviously at me not playing the fool if I do.
So we get to chatting about it, she's excited whatever. I impress that I'm not coming out if there's a sense that I'm not playing the fool. Weekend happens couple days pass, and we talk tonight. We're sharing a pretty elaborate romance, but this **** blew me out of the water. Bear in mind that things have been getting VERY close between the both of us. High risk disclosures and the like. So I was really shocked.
Some background information. This chick does a lot of things, but she is a) not much of a slut (personal thing) b) had visions of being swept off her feet by some foreign guy before i bossed her and c) probably hasn't been ****ing all around gauging by our conversations and her IL. It seems like a GOOD investment.
The general gist is she is still unsure if she wants to explore sexually and is (god dammit) feeling pressured. The conversation ended with me calmly saying 'I have some things I need to think about. She already messaged me back too. I'll share that below.
The only reason I even brought it up because she said 'It's OK to ask things of me' and when I presented growing together and making something of this as a challenge she seemed really intrigued. When I said 'So your challenge is to convince me to come over there' she loved it. Mixed messages man.
So guys this is where I need your help
To be clear I want this girl. I don't care if she is ****ing around (I have been but less since things started escalating..she actually acknowledges this too, heh). At the same time don't want to continue to escalate things too much because heartbreak hurts, and I need help finding the right balance. She is contributing to the escalation as much as I am...but keeping her distance for whatever reason
This is what I'm thinking.
1A. Confirm that I won't come over there until she is ready. Reiterate that it is no pressure.
1B: go over there because I want to see her - when I want to see her, lay down what's going to happen when I'm there, and **** her like a dirty *****, with no pretense or care. I'd probably show zero interest in her friends because I hate situations when people have something they feel they can hold over you. Hold my head high in light of anyone she's screwing around with at the time and keep doing my thing.
2. Encourage her to explore whatever it is she wants to, and that I will do the same here.
3. Tell her she needs to cut the lovey-dovey **** out because it's killing me, and that I am taking a step back. I'm leery about this one because what we have feels right - it feels good. The only thing is that I've 'reached that point' before her.
4. back the **** up. I've been writing her pretty elaborate letters.. telling a story, etc. I'm thinking about cutting them out until I feel like it's back to where it was.
If i initiate any kind of NC it will be along the lines of...
(This girl flees like hell from any kind of 'being told what to do' (pressure) in a relationship context)
"hey, I want you to go explore, I need to divest from this a little but because I think I've been getting too close. I want you to have as much fun as you normally do and decide for yourself if you want to continue, regardless of a commitment. Let's take two weeks off, do whatever it is we do, if you still miss me, and no one else has stolen either of us away, let's continue." She says all this 'i have her heart crap' which to me says a) she wants me and b) I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I have a strong will and a head on my shoulders and I'm willing to do what it takes to snag this one. I want to have the patience to wait for when she feels it's right, without the pressure. I'm not going to wait around forever - which I have told her (probably a bad idea since it's creating pressure..I think i just need a means to divest a little), but I really do see a future. This was her response after we hung up. I've yet to reply.. when I hung up I said 'we'll talk in a day or two'...this was an hour later:
"There’s something unique and special between us, and I wish this wasn’t a topic brought up, because as you put it, I don’t want it to become a “pissing contest” about who’s ****ed who since being away. I understand the want for a clearer idea of what we have, but frankly, I’m not ready for it. I’m just not. No, you don’t have all the time in the world, and I don’t expect you to wait around for something you’re not getting ideal reciprocations from, but… it’s the chance to make that decision free from pressure. If you came out here, I’d want to be something to you that would make it worth while for you to come, I’d want to be something. But deciding has slapped me at cross roads of what to do while I’m here: make the choices not to even consider sexually exploring (if I wanted to or not, I don’t know) or do what I may desire when I want to, and then return home without reference to my past , and we move on together, because that’s ideally what you’re doing on your end. The latter made sense to me, because I never considered you coming. When it came back to gut instincts, and “just knowing” I had this weird inkling towards the mid of the year I’d want to not put myself out there (if I had, anymore) and find more in what we’ve created, because it’s amazing. You have part of my heart K-Mart, and that holds more meaning that any lay that may come my way here, and I want you to possess that, because we have something I cherish."
Lastly - I came to this forum because you guys are real men, like myself. I believe in perseverance and growth through self-expression, and calculated risk taking. I am not looking for a trick, a game, what-not, and I will not do anything that is not conducive to my set of principles. When I say I am willing to do what it takes, I am willing to do what it takes, as a self-respecting man to secure this one. She's been hurt like hell before (well we both have) and I am quite intent on making this work.
P.S - I think I answered my own question, and might be blowing it a little out of proportion, but this is a new experience for me, and I truly value your input.
Thanks all.
Did some thinking - the more I pry into this, the more I think she wants to either 'have her fun' or not. I'm not assuming that she's going to come running to me when all is said of done, but she probably will. It's probably worth it to be frank - I just gotta not get too invested in the mean time.
I've run into what I consider to be a very unique situation that I need assistance remedying. Before you run off and say 'your princess is in another castle' go ahead and read the whole thing through.
So I've been seeing this girl for a couple months on and off. We're not official anything, and I'm OK with this. I meet some of her friends, she meets some of my friends, we **** a lot, whatever it's cool. We find out that we really like each other.
She's going overseas for a couple months and I'm like 'yeah hey do what you want, I'm not here to take you off the market, I think we have a good thing going, but by all means go explore, I'm going to do the same.'
Now I'm no fool as to what that means. I've ****ed a couple girls since she left, but this one really kills me. We're close, like real tight. Her personality is amazing and I could totally see it working.
I want you all to keep in mind my goal here was to create entirely a no-pressure situation.
So time is passing.. I haven't been in the same room as her in over a month and a half...and of all things, things are actually escalating between the both of us. This is because I'm a cool mother****er and don't care what she's been doing. god damn right?
She sent me (completely ****ing unexpected) an elaborate Valentine's day present and it floored the **** out of me. So i'm like 'damn this girl wants me'. We continue to have deep and engrossing situations and I pry at her little by little. She shares a lot about herself, her feelings, etc with me.. it's crazy. (you really should see the **** we write each other. I think you gentlemen would be surprised, but I'm not here to think that my situation is better or more unique than anyone else's killer relationship)
So i'm starting to really feel for this girl. Because of this, I muster of the courage and mention visiting her at some point in time, but only if I know it's going to be worth my while. I'm hinting quite obviously at me not playing the fool if I do.
So we get to chatting about it, she's excited whatever. I impress that I'm not coming out if there's a sense that I'm not playing the fool. Weekend happens couple days pass, and we talk tonight. We're sharing a pretty elaborate romance, but this **** blew me out of the water. Bear in mind that things have been getting VERY close between the both of us. High risk disclosures and the like. So I was really shocked.
Some background information. This chick does a lot of things, but she is a) not much of a slut (personal thing) b) had visions of being swept off her feet by some foreign guy before i bossed her and c) probably hasn't been ****ing all around gauging by our conversations and her IL. It seems like a GOOD investment.
The general gist is she is still unsure if she wants to explore sexually and is (god dammit) feeling pressured. The conversation ended with me calmly saying 'I have some things I need to think about. She already messaged me back too. I'll share that below.
The only reason I even brought it up because she said 'It's OK to ask things of me' and when I presented growing together and making something of this as a challenge she seemed really intrigued. When I said 'So your challenge is to convince me to come over there' she loved it. Mixed messages man.
So guys this is where I need your help
To be clear I want this girl. I don't care if she is ****ing around (I have been but less since things started escalating..she actually acknowledges this too, heh). At the same time don't want to continue to escalate things too much because heartbreak hurts, and I need help finding the right balance. She is contributing to the escalation as much as I am...but keeping her distance for whatever reason
This is what I'm thinking.
1A. Confirm that I won't come over there until she is ready. Reiterate that it is no pressure.
1B: go over there because I want to see her - when I want to see her, lay down what's going to happen when I'm there, and **** her like a dirty *****, with no pretense or care. I'd probably show zero interest in her friends because I hate situations when people have something they feel they can hold over you. Hold my head high in light of anyone she's screwing around with at the time and keep doing my thing.
2. Encourage her to explore whatever it is she wants to, and that I will do the same here.
3. Tell her she needs to cut the lovey-dovey **** out because it's killing me, and that I am taking a step back. I'm leery about this one because what we have feels right - it feels good. The only thing is that I've 'reached that point' before her.
4. back the **** up. I've been writing her pretty elaborate letters.. telling a story, etc. I'm thinking about cutting them out until I feel like it's back to where it was.
If i initiate any kind of NC it will be along the lines of...
(This girl flees like hell from any kind of 'being told what to do' (pressure) in a relationship context)
"hey, I want you to go explore, I need to divest from this a little but because I think I've been getting too close. I want you to have as much fun as you normally do and decide for yourself if you want to continue, regardless of a commitment. Let's take two weeks off, do whatever it is we do, if you still miss me, and no one else has stolen either of us away, let's continue." She says all this 'i have her heart crap' which to me says a) she wants me and b) I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I have a strong will and a head on my shoulders and I'm willing to do what it takes to snag this one. I want to have the patience to wait for when she feels it's right, without the pressure. I'm not going to wait around forever - which I have told her (probably a bad idea since it's creating pressure..I think i just need a means to divest a little), but I really do see a future. This was her response after we hung up. I've yet to reply.. when I hung up I said 'we'll talk in a day or two'...this was an hour later:
"There’s something unique and special between us, and I wish this wasn’t a topic brought up, because as you put it, I don’t want it to become a “pissing contest” about who’s ****ed who since being away. I understand the want for a clearer idea of what we have, but frankly, I’m not ready for it. I’m just not. No, you don’t have all the time in the world, and I don’t expect you to wait around for something you’re not getting ideal reciprocations from, but… it’s the chance to make that decision free from pressure. If you came out here, I’d want to be something to you that would make it worth while for you to come, I’d want to be something. But deciding has slapped me at cross roads of what to do while I’m here: make the choices not to even consider sexually exploring (if I wanted to or not, I don’t know) or do what I may desire when I want to, and then return home without reference to my past , and we move on together, because that’s ideally what you’re doing on your end. The latter made sense to me, because I never considered you coming. When it came back to gut instincts, and “just knowing” I had this weird inkling towards the mid of the year I’d want to not put myself out there (if I had, anymore) and find more in what we’ve created, because it’s amazing. You have part of my heart K-Mart, and that holds more meaning that any lay that may come my way here, and I want you to possess that, because we have something I cherish."
Lastly - I came to this forum because you guys are real men, like myself. I believe in perseverance and growth through self-expression, and calculated risk taking. I am not looking for a trick, a game, what-not, and I will not do anything that is not conducive to my set of principles. When I say I am willing to do what it takes, I am willing to do what it takes, as a self-respecting man to secure this one. She's been hurt like hell before (well we both have) and I am quite intent on making this work.
P.S - I think I answered my own question, and might be blowing it a little out of proportion, but this is a new experience for me, and I truly value your input.
Thanks all.
Did some thinking - the more I pry into this, the more I think she wants to either 'have her fun' or not. I'm not assuming that she's going to come running to me when all is said of done, but she probably will. It's probably worth it to be frank - I just gotta not get too invested in the mean time.
I’m going to back wayyyy up on my end. I think our romance has created an unhealthy affection, and I’m unable to continue giving as I have until you are ready to reciprocate in kind.