Alpha to Beta in one night. How to undo?

[Mr H]

First post and it's longer than I expected so bare with me please..

Bit of backstory. I used to be a shy kid who was stupid with women. Literally had NO idea if they were interested me. And when they had to spell it out for me I had no idea whatsoever on how to escalate. Skip forward 7 years, after a lot of self improvement, my career is flourishing, I feel good about myself, I have leadership qualities, and for the last four years it's been great with chicks. I have no problem with meeting chicks and closing. If they start getting feelings I call it off to avoid any future problems and find someone else. Pretty much, I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. I'm not trying to brag or anything, I'm just trying convey that I'd like to think I have an Alpha mindset when it comes to most things.

Edit: However! All this happened after I broke up with my last gf so now I that I'm thinking about getting into a LTR with THIS chick it's like everything I know has gone out the window and I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm not used to pursuing chicks like this....

Bit of backstory about her..... There's this chick (Amy) whose been my #1 ideal girl since about 2009. She's been in a relationship the whole time until just recently. I've had girlfriends and been with other chicks during this time and LOVING the single life for the last five years with no intention to be in a LTR unless I met a chick who I think would actually truly be worth it. Now with Amy, unlike every other girl I know, I actually enjoy just spending time with her, and talking to her in person and stuff. So, I believe I would actually enjoy a relationship with her. This is a pretty big step for me.

SO ANYWAY, enough dribble... Here is where I ****ed up..

We went out for dinner last night, everything was going great, After the place closed,, I walked her to her car, we sat out the front for about two hours just talking and laughing. It got a little cold, so we jumped into the backseat of car and kept talking. We ended up play fighting and soaking each other with about four water bottles she had. It was awesome, both of us were drenched and all I wanted to do was kiss her. My brain was saying "dude, this is the perfect moment, go for it" but my body was like, "nahhhh" not responding to anything my brain was telling it to do. The whole time.

Anyway, another hour passed and it was getting late so she decided to head home. I still hadn't kissed her. She was sitting in the driver seat now and I was standing there with the door open about to say goodbye trying to muster up the courage to kiss this goddess of a woman and not let my chance go. "Uh uh.. umm.. uh.." She looked at me waiting for me to do something then said, "soo do you want a lift to your car?" "YEP!" I said, relieved that moment of retardation was over. We pulled up my car, then I did it again! Stuttered and um'd and uh'd then I said this.... "Before you go, can I, uh... can I have a kiss?" with a stupid-ass grin on my face.

She laughed and face palmed. I said, "Haha, what?" knowing full well I just lost any Alpha image that I had. And she said, "Hmm... maybe not this time. You should've gone for it earlier.. but you sort of lingered around too long when I was about to leave before.."

****. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-- *kicks self in the face*

WHY did I do this?? Any other chick I would've closed the deal straight after the restaurant closed. But because I like her, nerves got the better of me? I DIDN'T kiss her when I literally had the most perfect moment of all perfect moments ever, and I KNEW she wanted me to kiss her too. It couldn't have been any more obvious.

So anyway, my question... Now that I have seemingly established myself as an insecure, social-spud, BETA... what can I do to re-establish my Alpha-ness?

I haven't messaged her yet. I guess I can just pretend like it never happened? Saying "oh sorry for be weird the other night please give me another chance" would only prolong my temporary beta-ness. AND if I go to kiss her next time, would it just seem like now I'm trying to prove myself to make up for last time? What do I? I cannot let this one mistake ruin my chances with her after eight years of waiting for this moment.

 

[AttackFormation]

Smells like a troll post.

In case it's not, you need to take a good look at yourself, not how to "win" this woman.

 

[Mr H]

Smells like a troll post.

In case it's not, you need to take a good look at yourself, not how to "win" this woman.

100% not a troll post. What makes you think it is? Legit curious.

Also, I'm not trying to win this chick or buy her affection or anything like that because she already likes me (hopefully still). But surely I have damaged my image a little and I can totally see how me asking that stupid question when the answer was so obvious would be a total turn off for her. It would make it seem like I'm a complete dud with women. Like I was when I was a kid and didn't know what to do with one when the opportunity is there. She literally facepalmed.
But maybe because I do actually genuinely like a chick (which is the first time in a long time for me) my brain is going stupid and overcomplicating things and this isn't a big deal? Maybe?

 

[wifehunter]

Relax, if your core is alpha, beta mistakes are just minor flubs, and remnants of BS societal programming.

 

[Urbanyst]

When you're being fake, you will always slip up sooner or later.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Ok you sqibbed it. But all is not lost. First take a deep breath. She's a woman. She has bad hair days and wakes up with bad breath. So first you have to stop the OMG-ness you have going on.

She called you out (I hope in a teasing way) about the other night. If she likes you enough it won't matter.

But you need to poke the bear to find out.

If I was the woman and if I liked you I'd have lots to think about from the date you described. Lots of good stuff & some awkward in a cute high school way stuff, which wouldn't put me off, in fact it would be endearing.

My first date with my ex husband went kind of like that actually. It was sweet in a way. It means you like her for who she is, which if she likes you too is charming.

What you do next has lots to do with your personality. But I would think a humorous text to break the ice that is age & personality appropriate would be good. Then if she responds ask her out in a direct way & regain your frame.

 

[SmooveMooves]

There's nothing to discuss..You acted like a wuss & didn't go for the kiss when your own instinct told you it was time. Then you embarrassed yourself by asking for one. What are you, in high school? Nothing lowers a woman's interest more than a clueless effeminate man.

Putting a chick on a pedestal is what leads to mistakes like this. Instead of viewing her as your "dream ideal girl since 2009," You should be treating her just as any other. You should be operating from the frame that SHE needs to please you. Not the other way around. Stop trying to appease. Stop playing it safe. Stop suppressing your masculinity.

If she gives you another chance after that massive slip-up trust your instinct. Kiss her. Be sexual. Make dirty jokes. Say what you want. Do what you want when you want. Escalate, escalate, escalate. Turn her on.

 

[Mr H]

Thank you everyone for the replies. You all have extremely good points that I acually already knew but just had to be reminded of. So thank you for kicking me back into gear.
It's only been a day but I realise I seriously overreacted with that especially over something that is actually so small. I think it may have been because I actually haven't had something not go to plan in so long that I'm not used to having a setback, even one so minor as this. I goofed. I mean I goofed in a super beta way, but really, that's it. I acted like the whole thing was in jeopardy haha. Even still, that was a pretty pathetic mistake and I'm actually quite embarrassed that for one; I actually was such a spud. But mainly how much I made a mountain out of a mole hill. People goof. Not the first time I've done something stupid and certainly won't be the last. But at least from now on I when I do that stupid thing, I'll handle it like an adult - just like I always do! Legitimately bamboozled on how and why I behaved like that last night though. How bizarre. Extremely out of character haha.

Thanks again!

 

[Glassguy]

There's nothing to discuss..You acted like a wuss & didn't go for the kiss when your own instinct told you it was time. Then you embarrassed yourself by asking for one. What are you, in high school? Nothing lowers a woman's interest more than a clueless effeminate man.

Putting a chick on a pedestal is what leads to mistakes like this. Instead of viewing her as your "dream ideal girl since 2009," You should be treating her just as any other. You should be operating from the frame that SHE needs to please you. Not the other way around. Stop trying to appease. Stop playing it safe. Stop suppressing your masculinity.

If she gives you another chance after that massive slip-up trust your instinct. Kiss her. Be sexual. Make dirty jokes. Say what you want. Do what you want when you want. Escalate, escalate, escalate. Turn her on.

I agree. You called this chick a "goddess of a woman" blah blah blah.

You already treated her differently than you would another chick. You lost frame.

Here is how to get it back:

Option 1: "Hey hey...I am going to catch a drink tomorrow evening at 8pm. I want you to join me. Pick you up at 8". If she takes the bait, KISS HER AS SOON AS YOU PICK HER UP. If you meet up with her some where, give her a hug and KISS as soon as you meet up.

Option 2: Go ghost. See if she initiates text or phone calls. I dont like this approach in your situation because it will make you look like a beta and look butthurt.

Get her out, escalate. This chick just came out of a LTR and wants a man to have his way with her. She feels comfortable with you. Be a fvcking man and go take what you want!

Good luck.

 

[ChangePages]

The real question is why were you afraid of rejection from that girl?

Rejection fear ****ed you up, it shouldn't

 

[AlphaNate]

When you're being fake, you will always slip up sooner or later.

Could you elaborate on this, please?

 

[devilkingx2]

the ultimate cold feet, short of not showing up to your wedding of course.

we all pvssy out sometimes, your first step is to try and forget this and stop thinking about it, then do better next time instead.

oh yeah and never talk to this girl or anyone she knows ever again, trust me. (if you do decide to try and go out with her again, don't ever mention it again and deny having any idea what she's talking about if she mentions it then change the subject)

another key thing to remember is that the more you like a girl the worse your game is, getting an HB8 that you really like is like twice as hard as getting an HB8 you don't really care about

on future dates treat all girls like you treated the numerous pump and dumps you mentioned in the first few paragraphs, here:

and for the last four years it's been great with chicks. I have no problem with meeting chicks and closing. If they start getting feelings I call it off to avoid any future problems and find someone else.

 

[devilkingx2]

Could you elaborate on this, please?

he means that when you're pretending to be cool you'll eventually slip up and reveal that you're only pretending

except in OP's case he managed to keep it going for years so I don't think it's applicable to this situation

 

[Urbanyst]

Could you elaborate on this, please?

Just saying you can't just play the part, you have to be the part. Any PUA game you play will eventually get exposed as a game.

 

[AlphaNate]

Just saying you can't just play the part, you have to be the part. Any PUA game you play will eventually get exposed as a game.

Thanks

 

[Mr H]

I agree. You called this chick a "goddess of a woman" blah blah blah.

You already treated her differently than you would another chick. You lost frame.

Here is how to get it back:

Option 1: "Hey hey...I am going to catch a drink tomorrow evening at 8pm. I want you to join me. Pick you up at 8". If she takes the bait, KISS HER AS SOON AS YOU PICK HER UP. If you meet up with her some where, give her a hug and KISS as soon as you meet up.

Option 2: Go ghost. See if she initiates text or phone calls. I dont like this approach in your situation because it will make you look like a beta and look butthurt.

Oops, I should clarify. When I said "goddess of a woman" I was referring to her looks. She's just one those chicks you look at twice because they're so hot. Other than my slip up that night, I'm pretty sure I haven't treated her any different to anyone else. I may have at one point without realising, but I'm like 99% sure I've treated her the same as any other. But you're totally right, definitely need to keep my eye on that.

I'll definitely go along the lines of option 1. Would you be able to elaborate on why exactly I should kiss her as soon as possible though? I would think it would seem a bit forced considering our last date, no?

The real question is why were you afraid of rejection from that girl?

Rejection fear ****ed you up, it shouldn't

Yeah, it absolutely got the better of me this time. Which I was not expecting at all, because I haven't had to worry about rejection fear for years now. As for the WHY I was afraid... I still think it's because for so many years she has been that chick I've genuinely really got along with, which is why I've got a bit of oneitis for her. No other chick (including girlfriends) has come close to that so she's been quite unique for me. And now the moment is finally closing in, that's where I've got too excited and let nerves get the better of me.

we all pvssy out sometimes, your first step is to try and forget this and stop thinking about it, then do better next time instead.

oh yeah and never talk to this girl or anyone she knows ever again, trust me. (if you do decide to try and go out with her again, don't ever mention it again and deny having any idea what she's talking about if she mentions it then change the subject)

another key thing to remember is that the more you like a girl the worse your game is, getting an HB8 that you really like is like twice as hard as getting an HB8 you don't really care about.

Paragraph one and three, completely agree. However, why do you suggest never talking to her ever again? It just sounds like giving up to me which would make me look even worse?

----

I'm thinking I'll shoot her a humourous text something like this in a way where I'm acknowledging that it was not ideal but also downplaying my **** up a bit by pretending that it was her that did it, not me... So I'd text her and say something like:
"You're actually such a spud. I can't believe you asked if you could kiss me. Who does that? Not me that's for sure. But that's ok cause I'm feeling generous so I'll give you another chance... Meet me at the bar for drink tonight at 7"

Pretty sure she'll get a chuckle out of that and it'll break the ice a little, and set up another date.

 

[Atom Smasher]

NO NO NO!! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!!

Don't send her that text!

She WANTS to start fresh and forget about it. Leverage that to your advantage. Just hit reset. Take her out again, and at an appropriate time and place grab her firmly and kiss her.

Utilize the fact that she wants your new actions and demeanor to erase that one bad snapshot she has of you.

In short, forget all about what happened, DO NOT MENTION IT TO HER, and proceed from a new, stronger frame.

Women have rivers of feelings, and they will let you channel those rivers to the direction you want them to go if you take charge and make it YOUR relationship, YOUR responsibility.

Women feed off the man's reality. Believe that the mistake never happened, act like it never happened, and I assure you, you both will find that it never happened.

 

[devilkingx2]

Paragraph one and three, completely agree. However, why do you suggest never talking to her ever again? It just sounds like giving up to me which would make me look even worse?

I mean, I look at it like this

1. I'd personally be far too embarassed and ashamed to ever show my face anywhere near that girl again, but I'm exceedingly prideful so there's that.

2. pragmatically, I have no idea what you could possibly do to recover, unless you get lucky and by the grace of god she doesn't care that much about your little fvck up, you'll be on an uphill battle for a while, you better bring your A-game if she goes out with you again

but hey, at least it won't be boring/easy

I'm thinking I'll shoot her a humourous text something like this in a way where I'm acknowledging that it was not ideal but also downplaying my **** up a bit by pretending that it was her that did it, not me... So I'd text her and say something like:
"You're actually such a spud. I can't believe you asked if you could kiss me. Who does that? Not me that's for sure. But that's ok cause I'm feeling generous so I'll give you another chance... Meet me at the bar for drink tonight at 7"

unless you're a really funny and charismatic guy who could play the whole thing off well that text would just be digging a deeper grave

 

[devilkingx2]

Yeah, it absolutely got the better of me this time. Which I was not expecting at all, because I haven't had to worry about rejection fear for years now. As for the WHY I was afraid... I still think it's because for so many years she has been that chick I've genuinely really got along with, which is why I've got a bit of oneitis for her. No other chick (including girlfriends) has come close to that so she's been quite unique for me. And now the moment is finally closing in, that's where I've got too excited and let nerves get the better of me.

do keep in mind that she is still a normal woman and subject to the things normal women are subject to