Almost paralyzed from taking any action at this point.

[mothballs]

I got majorly screwed up over a girl several years ago, and she is actually the only one I've ever had sex with... I've gone on dates over the years, and had several attractive girls clearly interested in me, but as I moved from my mid to late 20's I have stopped making an effort to even try to get those first couple dates... Girls that I liked have even made moves and I flat out said no. I have a great social circle... lots of friends and nobody has a bad thing to say about me. I dress well and act like a gentleman and not a pushover. I also have no problem carrying on conversations with anybody. I just don't know how I'm going to break out of the shell. One of the major contributing factors was that I moved out of the area 3 years ago for a job that sucks... but I am going to be moving back there soon, where all my friends still live... which will be good. I visit every other weekend or so, but it's just not enough contact with people my own age. All I've got here in this area is my dad, stepmom and brother.

I'm now sitting on a phone number and wondering if I'm going to act... as of now I'm completely over that girl from way back when, but I'm way too comfortable being a bachelor, and it seems I sit here in my apartment reading forums more and more as the days pass... just reading about other people's lives. I'm a hopeless romantic who's too used to doing his own thing, but right under the surface I want to break out of the routine and have somebody important in my life again. I also wouldn't say I'm depressed... more disillusioned with the mistakes Ive made, the women I've pushed away and the people I've confused with inexplicable aloofness.

Who has been here and what did you do to break out of the routine? I don't do clubs or bars... but I do have that prospect of moving back into my social beat in the near future. I'm also planning to go back to school in the fall to finish my BS, but I want to be a fully functional human being by the time I get there... I just don't want to be in this rut any more... and I don't want to fail to call this girl I just met.

 

[Tazman]

Girls that I liked have even made moves and I flat out said no.

I'm thinking you aren't revealing enough details. What single guy would turn down girls he likes?

Moving to another area for a job that you now hate doesn't seem like something that should interfere with having sex with women you're attracted to, hell, it could even cheer you up.

 

[The Logical Player]

im seeing that you revealed your true colors mothballs, and you shouldnt be talking down to someone who could greatly help you with your problems like you did in post #4 of my introduction thread:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=157865

enjoy the karma, you won't hear my advice

 

[vitor]

Bachelors still sleep with chicks and date them. You do not have to get married, live together, or any of that. If you want my .02 cents I think you suffer from Depression or mild social anxiety disorder. You are a guy who I will assume is straight, so you want to sleep with women. Women give you their numbers or ask you to hang out and you say no???

I understand wanting to stay single, but go out and date and get laid and have some fun. What do you do for fun. What do you do when you are not working????

 

[darkstarrr]

Girls that I liked have even made moves and I flat out said no.

Intriguing because this happens to me sometimes, too. I'm unclear on whether I am coming to the realization that I am painfully shy and that's why every single relationship I have been in has been with girls who make the first move (*****s) or have attraction levels so so high in the beginning (bpd/hpd).

I am studying myself and this phenomenon you are talking about and hope to get back to you with some positive and useful feedback.

 

[countermart]

Me too, but I'm working on it!

OK Mothballs I’ve been working on the same problem. In fact Interceptor has been advising me on a few things in another thread. Below is what I am working on myself, and my views.

You are not gay and I don’t think you are depressed. Somewhere along the way, early, you were badly hurt by a girl. She was a great girl too. You were playing with your heart and had a large emotional investment in her.

Now you are like a child that has been bitten by a dog when young. He knows what dogs can do. When he sees a dog for years after he runs a little movie through his head that says, “Dogs bit, dogs are bad, I want to pat the dog, but it’s too dangerous and it will not work out. Dogs are too much trouble.”

Now guys that never got bitten by a dog, all they see in their head is, “Mmm there’s a dog, is it a fun one or a dangerous one?”

In other words our brains got wired according to our early experience and this is particularly true when a great deal of emotion is invested or involved.

Now here’s what I think happens,...Enter gorgeous young girl looking into my eyes and smiling....”Mmm she likes me, yep she really does,..... but X liked me too, and if I ask you out or you ask me out then guess what, we’ll go out, and it will be great, and then we will become a couple, and I’ll love you, and then we will get engaged, and then we will get married and then it will all end badly........look you darn vamp don’t try to rope me into that with your beautiful smile eyes. I’m going home to watch TV.”

OK slight exaggeration. But we place far too much importance on a person we have only just met. We assume too much LTR without even knowing the person. Both of us need to get back to not caring, at least at the start, as Interceptor reminded me. Here’s a bit of my reply (modified slightly) from the thread....

"I absolutely agree with you Interceptor. Particularly about not caring. The fact is as perverse as it is, this works, even in business. The attitude of, “Look here is the offer, here is the interest, but if you don’t want to play it’s all the same to me,” works. I guess it should because it demonstrates that the person has value and choices and you had better not miss the opportunity. Also, by not caring about the outcome you are more willing to take risks and try."

Now the second part is fear of rejection. Because early on we also got rejected (although this has not been the case with my recent breakup) we don’t trust IOI and we place great pain on rejection.

Our mind says, “Your attractive and I like you, and I could put emotional investment into you, but look, why are you coming on to me, when I know it will just end badly?” We become aloof as a shield for our injured heart. But it’s illogical.

We ignore any counter evidence.

To see how bad this can get I once walked into a party and a beautiful girl I did not know, who later went on to be in the movies (not porn) grabbed me and just started to kiss me very hard on the mouth. I smiled, but told her to go away. Another time this gorgeous girl at a youth hostel (we were the only ones there) stripped down to her panties and said, “Come and watch me in the shower,” naturally, ha, ha I said, “I’ve already had a shower”. The next day she asked me to go to a nightclub and I said I was too tired after being out all day. Another, time I was kissing a gorgeous girl I had just met at a party. But then lost track of her talking to some other people. I opened my car door, was talking to a few other people and when I turned around she was in the front passenger seat. Ha, ha, ah what did I say? “Look you really have to get out, I need to go.” Another time I was standing on my own in a foyer and a good looking girl walked up to me and said, “You are a f...ing spunk.” Did I do anything about that IOI, no way....ha, ha I guess it wasn’t obvious enough for me! These are just a few examples. Gees, if you think about it I was really cruel to these girls, but it was me with the problem, but they probably did not see that, or thought I was gay.

Despite the above I did eventually get married but after over 10 years that ended for unrelated reasons... it’s a long story.

In really, although we fear rejection it is really us rejecting them much more than the other way around and in the end we end up home alone and wondering why it always works out that way. As they say, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.”

OK changing this isn’t going to be easy, but I’m working on it and I’m getting better quickly, now I’m back in the market and I’m out with a girl in the next few days and you know what...I don’t care about the outcome.....
Countermart.

 

[CGE333]

I didn't read all the replies but I think you need to sit down and take a few hours one day and really think about what you want out of life, both now and over the next 5-10 years. What would get you excited about life again? What goals that if you met them would have be life changing for you? And when you decide all of that, start working towards them.

I also think you may have some depression going on. If it has been around for awhile or stays for awhile I would consider getting some professional help. You are also suffering from a lack of confidence, and just like when a team loses confidence they go on a losing streak, you are on a bit of a bad streak yourself at this time.

Just hang in there, sometimes getting back on track is a slow process, but over time even taking baby steps, you'll get there.

 

[mothballs]

Wow... this topic was dead until I woke up this morning. I am a rambler... so I tend to overemphasize things.... haven't read all the replies yet, but it looks like I have some reading to do.

 

[mothballs]

im seeing that you revealed your true colors mothballs, and you shouldnt be talking down to someone who could greatly help you with your problems like you did in post #4 of my introduction thread:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=157865

enjoy the karma, you won't hear my advice

I'm not looking to be a "player", I don't want to have sex with as many women as possible... so not really interested in your point of view. When I read something I take what I can out of it and apply it to my situation. Being the master of women is not one of my goals, being the master of myself is.

 

[mothballs]

OK Mothballs I’ve been working on the same problem. In fact Interceptor has been advising me on a few things in another thread. Below is what I am working on myself, and my views.

You are not gay and I don’t think you are depressed. Somewhere along the way, early, you were badly hurt by a girl. She was a great girl too. You were playing with your heart and had a large emotional investment in her.

Now you are like a child that has been bitten by a dog when young. He knows what dogs can do. When he sees a dog for years after he runs a little movie through his head that says, “Dogs bit, dogs are bad, I want to pat the dog, but it’s too dangerous and it will not work out. Dogs are too much trouble.”

Now guys that never got bitten by a dog, all they see in their head is, “Mmm there’s a dog, is it a fun one or a dangerous one?”

In other words our brains got wired according to our early experience and this is particularly true when a great deal of emotion is invested or involved.

Now here’s what I think happens,...Enter gorgeous young girl looking into my eyes and smiling....”Mmm she likes me, yep she really does,..... but X liked me too, and if I ask you out or you ask me out then guess what, we’ll go out, and it will be great, and then we will become a couple, and I’ll love you, and then we will get engaged, and then we will get married and then it will all end badly........look you darn vamp don’t try to rope me into that with your beautiful smile eyes. I’m going home to watch TV.”

OK slight exaggeration. But we place far too much importance on a person we have only just met. We assume too much LTR without even knowing the person. Both of us need to get back to not caring, at least at the start, as Interceptor reminded me. Here’s a bit of my reply (modified slightly) from the thread....

"I absolutely agree with you Interceptor. Particularly about not caring. The fact is as perverse as it is, this works, even in business. The attitude of, “Look here is the offer, here is the interest, but if you don’t want to play it’s all the same to me,” works. I guess it should because it demonstrates that the person has value and choices and you had better not miss the opportunity. Also, by not caring about the outcome you are more willing to take risks and try."

Now the second part is fear of rejection. Because early on we also got rejected (although this has not been the case with my recent breakup) we don’t trust IOI and we place great pain on rejection.

Our mind says, “Your attractive and I like you, and I could put emotional investment into you, but look, why are you coming on to me, when I know it will just end badly?” We become aloof as a shield for our injured heart. But it’s illogical.

We ignore any counter evidence.

To see how bad this can get I once walked into a party and a beautiful girl I did not know, who later went on to be in the movies (not porn) grabbed me and just started to kiss me very hard on the mouth. I smiled, but told her to go away. Another time this gorgeous girl at a youth hostel (we were the only ones there) stripped down to her panties and said, “Come and watch me in the shower,” naturally, ha, ha I said, “I’ve already had a shower”. The next day she asked me to go to a nightclub and I said I was too tired after being out all day. Another, time I was kissing a gorgeous girl I had just met at a party. But then lost track of her talking to some other people. I opened my car door, was talking to a few other people and when I turned around she was in the front passenger seat. Ha, ha, ah what did I say? “Look you really have to get out, I need to go.” Another time I was standing on my own in a foyer and a good looking girl walked up to me and said, “You are a f...ing spunk.” Did I do anything about that IOI, no way....ha, ha I guess it wasn’t obvious enough for me! These are just a few examples. Gees, if you think about it I was really cruel to these girls, but it was me with the problem, but they probably did not see that, or thought I was gay.

Despite the above I did eventually get married but after over 10 years that ended for unrelated reasons... it’s a long story.

In really, although we fear rejection it is really us rejecting them much more than the other way around and in the end we end up home alone and wondering why it always works out that way. As they say, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.”

OK changing this isn’t going to be easy, but I’m working on it and I’m getting better quickly, now I’m back in the market and I’m out with a girl in the next few days and you know what...I don’t care about the outcome.....
Countermart.

Man I felt like you were in my head for a moment... yeah I did get stung badly and though I am long over her it makes it hard to start a relationship, even get to that first date because I'm deep down afraid it will get past that point and I may actually get attached.

But yeah, I can count several girls that that I didn't act on... who I didn't have to work at all for. One co-worker who said we should hang out sometime and I somehow said no and pissed her off... another who was constantly flirting with me. One customer from when I worked at the convenience store asked what I was doing after I got off work... I said nothing, and when she asked me to hang out I said no... and I had no real good reason not to. The girl that wanted to study with me and when we did... no studying happened. The one at college, first semester who kept hanging around our dorm and wanted to hang out with me... the list gets embarrassingly long as I look back into the last 10 years.

I guess this is my barrier... I know what I need to do to attract women for the most part, and I've done it many times... just keep backing out of it last minute. The fish just keep nibbling on the lure and I reel it in before I can risk losing my hook.

 

[mothballs]

I didn't read all the replies but I think you need to sit down and take a few hours one day and really think about what you want out of life, both now and over the next 5-10 years. What would get you excited about life again? What goals that if you met them would have be life changing for you? And when you decide all of that, start working towards them.

I also think you may have some depression going on. If it has been around for awhile or stays for awhile I would consider getting some professional help. You are also suffering from a lack of confidence, and just like when a team loses confidence they go on a losing streak, you are on a bit of a bad streak yourself at this time.

Just hang in there, sometimes getting back on track is a slow process, but over time even taking baby steps, you'll get there.

I've had a lot of time to think about that over the last year... and I decided I'm going to go back to school and finish my engineering degree. I realized with my current job that I really should be solving problems. I was initially enjoying this job, I was being pushed by the VP to help increase the efficiency of our operations, and my boss who is the president, was tolerating it for a while. I increased the efficiency of our company by about 33% last year and we made some serious money. But my boss is a total moron (and OCD... I wasn't doing things his way) so he basically took a bunch of the duties I had away and he seemed to think he could do things better than me. He's now 3 months behind on the work I used to do in addition to my current stuff and we only started changing proceedure 4 months ago. So my professional confidence is in the toilet... but I think if I can make a job change to be an actual engineer (I have an associates in engineering science) I will be a lot happier... it's what I wanted to do when I was 12 and I know it's still what I want to do. What I guess I should get out of my current situation that is positive is that I now work from home and do about half as much work for the same pay...

The reason I don't call it depression is that when I'm with my friends and family I am completely happy... when I work on my R/C planes or my computer or my car... I'm also happy. It's just at times when I'm not doing any of that and I have time to think about my life it does get me down... and sometimes my reflection is positive... I have accomplished a lot in my life despite other things. I dunno really what to think, but I don't think I'm at the stage where I need proffessional help.

 

[decades]

I would say that if you are a typically normal guy at 28 who has only had sex once, then your issue is fears regarding sex, and not relationships. every girl you meet does not have to be a future relationship or the "one". I think you should be dating women casually and practicing with them. You're leaping ahead to "Sex" and "relationship" instead of simply enjoying their company and having fun. Really focus down on what you are afraid of. I don't think it's getting hurt again. Because calling up and going out on a date does not get you set up to get hurt. I think your fear comes down to fear of rejection and some fears of physical intimacy. Because you have only had the one relationship where you were hurt, you extrapolate and believe that you fear getting in another relationship. Start being with women but tell yourself that it's not serious and it's just for fun. you need to walk before you can run.

 

[mothballs]

I would say that if you are a typically normal guy at 28 who has only had sex once, then your issue is fears regarding sex, and not relationships. every girl you meet does not have to be a future relationship or the "one". I think you should be dating women casually and practicing with them. You're leaping ahead to "Sex" and "relationship" instead of simply enjoying their company and having fun. Really focus down on what you are afraid of. I don't think it's getting hurt again. Because calling up and going out on a date does not get you set up to get hurt. I think your fear comes down to fear of rejection and some fears of physical intimacy. Because you have only had the one relationship where you were hurt, you extrapolate and believe that you fear getting in another relationship. Start being with women but tell yourself that it's not serious and it's just for fun. you need to walk before you can run.

I've had sex plenty of times, but I've only had sex with the one girl... I'm not afraid of ending up in that "position" again. But, I do jump ahead in my mind to "what if this becomes a relationship" when I'm hanging out with a girl. I guess I just don't like to spend time on something only for it to come apart... I like to do things I know have a definite result. So I guess I need to get over that... because relationships (whether casual or intimate) just are not predictable.