After recognizing a mistake, how do I effectively enact change?

[Genos]

Today, I was at Starbucks doing some work. There was a girl sitting across from me, and I struck up a conversation with her. The interaction went alright, but during the exchange I asked a couple pretty mediocre questions, such as:

Do you go to school nearby?
Where are you from?
How do you like it here?
etc. etc.

As you might predict, the energy level overall was low and we didn't have a lot of fun. I know these sorts of conversational lines are subpar and to be avoided, particularly early on (part of Heartiste's "Stale Seven" questions, even). And I've had interactions in which I (appropriately) didn't use these stale questions - or used them sparingly - had fun, and the woman had fun as well: so I know I've got it in me.

The problem, and core issue of this thread, is that I'm intermittently repeating mistakes (not just the one described above, in general) which I've already identified and know that I should be avoiding. It's actually preeetty frustrating to make the same mistakes again and again. If something new hit me, or I was put into situation I had never experienced before, and then I failed, I could accept it with no regrets, learn from it and move on. But repeating simple errors gets to me, because I know I can do better than what I just displayed.

I've tried keeping a list of sticking points I need to work on, making strong mental notes, etc., but I still trip up on the things I've already encountered. How do y'all effectively make improvements and enact change? I don't feel like I'm progressing as smoothly as I could be.

 

[ubercat]

Sadly it takes time. so you have to choose 1 thing and drill it over and over again until it's in your DNA and then choose the next thing. That is one principle


the other principle is that it's better to focus on the positive. if you concentrate on not doing something then that thing is in your head all the time you are actually sabotaging yourself. it's like not trying to think of the purple elephant.

So take a generic question like how do you like the neighborhood and try and work it into your approaches. Then you are concentrating your mind on what you want to happen instead of what you don't want to happen.

I'm not advocating a whole bunch of canned routines just illustrating the principle.

Makes sense?

And if you're interested in some reading on how to eliminate and create new habits. The books the power of habit and 59 seconds r good. they are also available as audio books. I've bought physical copies for my bookshelf and I revisit them when I need to refocus.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Three letters: F U N

Your job is to provide fun, for yourself first and then also for her. When you go in with that attitude you keep tension and awkwardness at bay and pave the way for attraction. Think of providing a fun interaction as your responsibility.

 

[Lozboss]

Whenever you text, tinder message or say something think:

Is this something every dull person would say?

Obviously don't be a freak but always be interesting, always keep your cards close to your chest and always let them do the majority of the talking.

As for change- uber is right. You can't change everything st once. Work on the things you can change in parallel. Like gym and your social skills.

 

[Glumix]

And perhaps be more compassionate with yourself. There is no perfect conversation every time. Sometimes you are just not in the mood for fun.

You created something with that girl. She doesn't know you at all. Next time you will have a good laugh and that's it. Or perhaps she is just not that interesting and that's why the conversation went dull.

Don Juan rules are great but tend to dehumanize a lot.

 

[Genos]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

And perhaps be more compassionate with yourself. There is no perfect conversation every time. Sometimes you are just not in the mood for fun.

You created something with that girl. She doesn't know you at all. Next time you will have a good laugh and that's it. Or perhaps she is just not that interesting and that's why the conversation went dull.

Don Juan rules are great but tend to dehumanize a lot.

This raises another question which I've had for a while - if an interaction doesn't go well, where (and to whom) do I attribute the need for change? How do I determine whether it was my mistake or hers that the conversation was dull?

Sitting on either end of the spectrum seems to be harmful - thinking it's always the girl's fault is moot for self-improvement, while believing that it was always you who made the mistake makes you change things that may not need to be changed. How do I find a balance, and more importantly be accurate in determining that balance?

 

[Lozboss]

You're suffering from analysis paralysis.

Just go out and do, more experience will home your skills, you'll soon know if it's you or them that's boring.

 

[ubercat]

LBs on the money. Keep approaching u ll work it out. In summary fix whatever mistakes r annoying YOU the most, have fun - it's a game b amused by it and enjoy the beauty of the players moves. And b kind to yourself. Women s moods fluctuate constantly. That is often what determines success on a given night no matter how tight your game. The experienced guys will tell u there r dry spells, seasonal variations and runs of good luck. Its pretty much like fishing.

 

[Glumix]

Thanks for the advice everyone.


This raises another question which I've had for a while - if an interaction doesn't go well, where (and to whom) do I attribute the need for change? How do I determine whether it was my mistake or hers that the conversation was dull?

Sitting on either end of the spectrum seems to be harmful - thinking it's always the girl's fault is moot for self-improvement, while believing that it was always you who made the mistake makes you change things that may not need to be changed. How do I find a balance, and more importantly be accurate in determining that balance?

As stated above, you do not need to ask the question. There is only one spectrum end that you are actually interested in : YOURS.

 

[Huffman]

Konduit - you are trying to make the wrong changes.
You are trying to NOT do certain things next time. That's something which your brain can't really focus on.

Rather, do some brainstorming, watch other people, watch youtube videos, and find a couple of things that you want to do INSTEAD. Look at them, think wow - that's super fun! I can't wait to try it!
You'll remember way better, plus have a positive outlook.

 

[El Payaso]

There's a conversation tactic you can employ called nouning. It's a conversation style that can severely improve your dealings not just with women you're trying to date but with people in general.

Read more about it here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/my-conversation-tip-nouning.33162/

 

[Atom Smasher]

Hmmm... a clown with a noun...