After applying 2 strikes rule, what do you do when she contact you?

[pete101]

I applied the 2 strikes rule to this girl, date texts (she wouldn't answer her phone) then I left it. She contacts me by text yesterday after 2 weeks since my date text saying

'hi, how r u? i was in spain when you texted me. thanks for the picture'

previous to that I went no contact on her because she didn't counter offer with a specific day just a 'i promise next week, is that ok?' this was the 2nd rejection of a date.

Basically she wants my attention, I know this.

Should I just reply with ''hey, i'm doing great thanks'?

i dont want to sound angry but i dont mind being blunt with just 'i'm doing great thanks' is there much point in asking how she is?

I know how to apply the 2 strikes rule I dont know what to do after when she does contact me with a fluff message. Any suggestions?

 

[mahoney]

I only apply the 2 strikes rule in terms of it means i don't then pursue a 3rd time - i don't really apply it to if they contact me. its really more about regulating my own behavior in regard to initiating. i never go NC and i never cut people out, i just kind of leave it hanging - if they contact me i will reply (mostly)

depends how you feel about this situation but, if this was me, and this girl wants my attention but im kinda feeling "hmm but is that she wants", or "shes not really doing enough to get it tho" - then i might give the attention - but only a bit, if she wants more then she has to do more

so i would reply with something v positive about what you've been doing, thats kind of friendly rather than blunt...BUT...without asking her anything. in other words, a message where you are not waiting on a reply, if she wants to reply she has to think of something up again - casting her in the role of the initiator, where she has to wait on your response, instead of other way round. ie give a little,...but not quite enough

something like what you've said but less blunt...more like "oh hi! im fine, just been majorly stressing out trying to organize the Dublin* trip tho"

*don't make something up here, pick something coming up that you are actually doing. you're giving a bit more than "fine thanks" which makes you look butthurt, but you're keeping the focus on you and what you are doing, not on her. so if she only wanted attention, she sort of didn't really get it. if she wants more she kind of has to do more because its a closed message - a message that wasnt unfriendly or brusque, but still a closed message. dont ask about her, basically

then see what she does next. if nothing, you've lost nothing, you haven't looked put out or annoyed.

i always like to give this kind of answer instead of ignoring or sending something that looks put out.

 

[pete101]

I only apply the 2 strikes rule in terms of it means i don't then pursue a 3rd time - i don't really apply it to if they contact me. its really more about regulating my own behavior in regard to initiating. i never go NC and i never cut people out, i just kind of leave it hanging - if they contact me i will reply (mostly)

depends how you feel about this situation but, if this was me, and this girl wants my attention but im kinda feeling "hmm but is that she wants", or "shes not really doing enough to get it tho" - then i might give the attention - but only a bit, if she wants more then she has to do more

so i would reply with something v positive about what you've been doing, thats kind of friendly rather than blunt...BUT...without asking her anything. in other words, a message where you are not waiting on a reply, if she wants to reply she has to think of something up again - casting her in the role of the initiator, where she has to wait on your response, instead of other way round. ie give a little,...but not quite enough

something like what you've said but less blunt...more like "oh hi! im fine, just been majorly stressing out trying to organize the Dublin* trip tho"

*don't make something up here, pick something coming up that you are actually doing. you're giving a bit more than "fine thanks" which makes you look butthurt, but you're keeping the focus on you and what you are doing, not on her. so if she only wanted attention, she sort of didn't really get it. if she wants more she kind of has to do more because its a closed message - a message that wasnt unfriendly or brusque, but still a closed message. dont ask about her, basically

then see what she does next. if nothing, you've lost nothing, you haven't looked put out or annoyed.

i always like to give this kind of answer instead of ignoring or sending something that looks put out.

I see. Is the 'majorly stressed out' bit suppose to make it look like you got stuff going on and entice a response without seeming needy or need one?

Like you say the focus is on me and what I'm doing. Not her.

I dont have anything exciting coming up so the bit where you said not making something up is going to be difficult. Could I change 'dublin trip' to olympic tickets or some other sporting event in the future?

also why the 'majorly stressing out' part?

 

[mahoney]

I see. Is the 'majorly stressed out' bit suppose to make it look like you got stuff going on and entice a response without seeming needy or need one?

Like you say the focus is on me and what I'm doing. Not her.

I dont have anything exciting coming up so the bit where you said not making something up is going to be difficult. Could I change 'dublin trip' to olympic tickets or some other sporting event in the future?

also why the 'majorly stressing out' part?

Yeah change dublin trip to anything you like! Doesn't even have to be anything particularly exciting to her, it just has to be something which you are focused on. I make music so for me I'd say I'd be likely to say I've been working hard on a new track

The idea is to be (and look) positive, that you aren't annoyed that they haven't contacted - on the contrary in fact! you didn't really notice they hadn't contacted, because you were so busy! this is why you are upbeat not brusque in the message

the "stressing out" bit isn't exactly necessary but i) it just adds a bit of color to what you've been doing ii) it shows you actually really have been focused elsewhere and not noticed about them, iii) shows you are STILL busy with stuff going on and that this is going to continue, iv) IF they're going to reply gives them something a bit more to ask about but with zero focus on them - you're keeping it on you. its not to entice them its to say there's a list of things on your mind and they aren't really anywhere near the top

i think people make a mistake sometimes when they want to convey the idea that they have been having "a REALLY GREAT time" and it kind of doesn't ring true....sometimes its better to convey the idea that you have been having a really BUSY time - without really even saying if its great or bad - its kind of giving the impression that your attention is elsewhere, you haven't shut the door on them at all - you're not annoyed with them and are quite happy to respond to their message - but you've also got a lot on so are hardly going to be chasing after them

regardless of this one particular girl, this is a good mindset to be in - no bitterness, not brusqueness, no cutting out, no weirdness where it looks like you are all butthurt - but also no chasing, no giving of real ACTUAL attention, no focusing on her. you don't mind her being in your orbit and you're quite happy to respond but you're not going to put in any groundwork and you're not going to initiate anything

 

[DonGorgon]

you set up a date with her (exact time and place) up and flake out at last minute... cause she simply wants to see if she can ply you one more time.

 

[thevilittletroll]

i'd say something to her like this...."since i havent heard from you in so long...how do you intend to make it up to me?" that puts the ball in her court. it also gives you the option to turn down any suggestion she comes up with that you think will be lame. this is also a good litmus test of how interested she is. if she never comes up with any ideas for you to hang out, you'll know she is all just talk.

 

[pete101]

I sent 'hey i'm great, just majorly stressing out trying to organise olympic tickets'

she sent half an hour later 'glad to hear from you! i think is time to see u again... isn't it?'

What should i reply with? 'hmm.. i guess so. when?' or 'sure, when?' (should i be acting lukewarm?) i feel like she needs to make it up to me (but if i say this she won't understand this her english isn't good enough or would misinterpret it and get offended)

A firm date time or get her to tell me when she's free since the previous 2 times i offered times which she said she couldn't do?

everything you've said is correct, she wants me to offer a time to see her.. should i make her work harder still?

i can envisage like dongordon says that if i do offer a time she may just flake cos she wants me to chase her so i may need to cancel. She has never cancelled before, she just said she couldn't do it the 1st 2 date offers i made and she sent 'how about next week?'

Also, bear in mind she doesn't speak english very well so don't want to send something with too many big words.

or even how's: 'hmm.. i guess so. what do you plan to wear for me?' (originally i told her a dress code for our date which she was intrigued by so saying this would be less sleazy)

 

[JPlaya]

Jesus Christ, if you want to meet up with her say yes.

 

[pete101]

i'd say something to her like this...."since i havent heard from you in so long...how do you intend to make it up to me?" that puts the ball in her court. it also gives you the option to turn down any suggestion she comes up with that you think will be lame. this is also a good litmus test of how interested she is. if she never comes up with any ideas for you to hang out, you'll know she is all just talk.

this would work if she understood english better, she wouldn't understand the 'how do you intend to make it up to me?' and if she does she'd get offended.

i already originally offered a drink where she gets dressed up for me so that's the offer on the cards. i should stick to that i.e. i dont want a day date offer from her. i guess i could turn down any offer she gives and go for the original drink offer at night.

 

[pete101]

Jesus Christ, if you want to meet up with her say yes.

she wants me to chase her.. she wants me to want her.. she's not serious enough, i cant tell yet anyway.. i should make her work harder. cos if i say yes, she's got her validation and it's over. i caved in too quick. do you see what i mean?

 

[mahoney]

I sent 'hey i'm great, just majorly stressing out trying to organise olympic tickets'

she sent half an hour later 'glad to hear from you! i think is time to see u again... isn't it?'

ok so that worked reasonably well - she got back straight away, and she has asked you (see how you're not waiting on a response here?)

What should i reply with? 'hmm.. i guess so. when?' or 'sure, when?' (should i be acting lukewarm?)

no, dont be acting lukewarm here. right now, she is initiating, she is waiting on your response, right? this, presumably is good? so continue - in the style of your first message. you see how you first message was actually quite bright? friendly? low-drama? but also didnt ask about her at all? so keep up that style! if you are lukewarm it looks like you are annoyed, but why would you be annoyed? there is no reason to be, you're busy remember and hadn't even really noticed about her

i feel like she needs to make it up to me

this is a bad mindset to be in - don't put yourself into positions where you think people need to make it up to you - besides which...right now...she's kind of chasing you, right? who is waiting for a response right now? yup, not you, she is.

everything you've said is correct, she wants me to offer a time to see her.. should i make her work harder still?

no, dont fall into trap of making her jump through hoops, she's asking you now, this is what you wanted right? so offer a time to see her

i can envisage like dongordon says that if i do offer a

 

[vatoloco]

"Who is this?"

 

[ARrocket]

I like where mahoney went with this.

Sure, she COULD be wanting to reassure herself that she can have you at her beck and call, but really, she's probably too busy for all that.

No playing games. She asked to see you; let her. Invite her over, invite her for drinks, invite her wherever the hell you want. Run your game. Win.

If she flakes? What the hell does it matter? She's replaceable because you have plenty of other options, RIGHT?

 

[pete101]

ok so that worked reasonably well - she got back straight away, and she has asked you (see how you're not waiting on a response here?)



no, dont be acting lukewarm here. right now, she is initiating, she is waiting on your response, right? this, presumably is good? so continue - in the style of your first message. you see how you first message was actually quite bright? friendly? low-drama? but also didnt ask about her at all? so keep up that style! if you are lukewarm it looks like you are annoyed, but why would you be annoyed? there is no reason to be, you're busy remember and hadn't even really noticed about her



this is a bad mindset to be in - don't put yourself into positions where you think people need to make it up to you - besides which...right now...she's kind of chasing you, right? who is waiting for a response right now? yup, not you, she is.



no, dont fall into trap of making her jump through hoops, she's asking you now, this is what you wanted right? so offer a time to see her



not to single out any poster here, but with every poster you should read what they say on multiple threads. if you think he seems like a relaxed fun person who enjoys life, take his advice - if you don't, then don't. apply the same principles to everyone

.

wait, she never even cancelled? its ok to not be able to do a certain time/date - she's not required to drop everything for you!



no no no! the hmm i guess so is too dismissive, and the second bit is a bit off too. also a date is being suggested and you're not responding with anything. be more positive in this one. just suggest a time. be straightforward in this one

more like "ok you've twisted my arm, how you fixed friday?"

if she can't do friday, thats ok! but then ball is in her court to choose a time instead - but we'll deal with that text when it comes, right?!

Thanks mahoney. I have refrained from sending anything yet and going to wait till tomorrow before i reply partly because i only get 1 chance at this and need to follow your advice to the core cos it's worked so far which is what i wanted.

However let me give you a little extra back story. When I said she couldn't do it the 1st 2 times, she never gave me a firm counter offer of a day.. i offered 2 days she said she was away couldnt and 'how about next week?'

then the week after i followed up similar sort of message offering 2 days she says she cant and she 'promised she would next week..is this ok?'

I didn't bother replying to that and went no contact cos i applied the 2 strikes rule.. left it for like 2 weeks to see if she responded or followed up. She didn't. so I followed up offering 2 days again and sent her the picture of her i took when we first met. No reply. 2 weeks later which is today.. I get that text I mentioned in my 1st post.

Hopefully that gives a better insight.

I dont feel i should offer another day/time now.. remember i've offered 3 times now! it's her turn to offer a time.

What would you suggest I say with this new info i've given?

Your text you mentioned is good but she wouldn't understand what 'ok you've twisted my arm, how you fixed for friday?' she definitely wouldnt' understand what that means and would look up in a dictionary and take it literally as her english isn't good enough yet.

my only issue I have with that text you mentioned about twisting my arm is that it seems like she hasn't worked hard enough to warrant me seeing her again.

bear in mind I know she just loves my attention and wants me now cos i stopped chasing, i'm wary if i cave in too soon she'll just either not reply or cancel.

is it dangerous for me just to say 'ok you've convinced me. when?' (cos even that seems like it's me caving in too soon) or somethign along those lines.. i get yours is better because twisting my arm makes it seem like she is forcing me making me the prize.

 

[pete101]

I like where mahoney went with this.

Sure, she COULD be wanting to reassure herself that she can have you at her beck and call, but really, she's probably too busy for all that.

No playing games. She asked to see you; let her. Invite her over, invite her for drinks, invite her wherever the hell you want. Run your game. Win.

If she flakes? What the hell does it matter? She's replaceable because you have plenty of other options, RIGHT?

But she played games before and loves me chasing. I am wary of this. I offered 3 times 2 different days to meet up, 2 'i cant do it, how about next week?' counter responses she gave me and this most recent text (in my 1st post in this thread) 2 weeks after my last offer of 2 days. Doesn't this change the picture?

I dont feel I should offer her a day/time now seeing as I have done it 3 times, it's her turn right?

haha.. unfortunately no concrete options.. got 2 numbers and blackberry messenger contact over the weekend, bbm contact deleted me and 1 of the numbers hasn't replied to my text from last night so that probably is a lost cause too. the other number I haven't called yet cos i dont think her IL is that high.

 

[snowdog]

Take a dump in front of her house.

Put a little pirate flag in it.

Run for the hills.