Afc, Ex Dilema, I Don't Want Her Back But.....

[an_old_rusty_master]

Sorry about the length, My questions are right at the bottom

Basic Break Down,

I am an allegedly above average looking graphic designer, who has a classy taste in clothes and culture and never usually problem with women and I refuse to be walked over by them, but somehow I was with.....

Beautiful model type girl
With her for 6 years
split up 6 months ago
almost mutual, I was planning a trial seperation.
Out of the blue, no giveaway signs, she found someone and ended the relationship before we could talk about it
she was rejected at a job interview and then went and called him up later to ask for a drink.
annoyed me because 6 years was capped with this
the guy is 18 years older, rich with teenage kids.

She has rubbed my nose in everything attrociously, and tried to impress me with his very large house by once inviting me to a party there. I really thought she was my closest friend and felt magnificintly very let down by this what turns out to be a creature.

I have never begged her back or cried, just wanted the relationship to end gracefully, way too late now.

I met the new boyfriend by chance with her last weekend and she
panicked thinking I was going to hit him, when she came over to hug me instead of going into a violant rage I waved him over and shook his hand.

We have emailed now and again sorting finaces out, with a few friendly exchanges, I admit I have sent a few nasties, especially after she called up to say she loves me then later says she used to run me down to her friends and that she was sorry for it. (so two faced)

Through out our split she has really wanted to be my so called (genuine) friend

We have met for drinks 3 times in 6 months, the last time was after this close encounter with the boyfriend, (I have heard he is a genuine nice guy, which I believe, and she has been giving him hell)

She asked what I thought of him, and this is where I feel I went wrong, I could not help it but I let rip. I said he was horrific, very unflattering, and little ugly dwarf, he comes up to my shoulder and I am only 5'8. She asked if I thought she was shallow and I said of course and there is no such thing as an ugly wallet.

She made out I used to have a nasty temper and thats why it ended. (crap)

She got upset and said she felt sorry for me, but..... keep in touch???!!!!?????

Now I saw them last night together in a bar and he was stroking her leg and they were giggling together, now believe me for some strange reason I did not seem to really care too much, but I turned my back, I did not want to be seen running off but I turned around to walk out to somewhere else and noticed they had changed positions and were what I would describe as behaving, he looked either a bit worried or pi*sed off.

NOW here is the deal, I am sort of regreting what I said the other night, you see I want to have all the power, I want to be the prize, and I understand to have the power, you should simply walk away and move on and be un-bothered and I feel I blew it.
Although I do feel I knocked her off her pedistal.


Q1. after all this crap do I just leave it all and don't bother talking to her again, maybe raise an eye brow in acknowledgement of her existance?

Q.2 email her and say I saw her and him together and don't worry, I will not hit him and goodluck, no hard feelings.

Q.3 how do I respond if she emails me, should I just now ignore them all now forever.

perfect world: her obsessing and kissing my behind and me just not giving a damn.

settle for:
restored pride, and a sense of self respect.

Now I know even though all my emails were not love letters, ( I have only said once I cared about her and missed her family)
but I do wonder why I bothered, I just wanted good memories of her and it to end with me respecting her, but I could not save her.

 

[RobLB]

I would not contact her period! NO CONTACT!! This is probably the hardest thing to do, believe me I know, but it will be the best way to find out how she really feels about you.
If I were you, as hard as it will be, I would move on cause chances are she will end up doing the same thing to you again.

Just my 2 cents.....

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

Move on you psycho

LOL, it's funny because it's true, I feel like that sometimes, but hey it was a 6 year relationship, and now I understand this girl was *****ing about me to her friends apparently now, at a time where I had just lost my Mother from Cancer, yeah I had a tough couple of years because of it, but it seems as though she used my changes in personality at this particular time against me.
I really thought I knew this girl and now everything seems now like a big farce.

But your right, I know this, I mean hell I have given advice to people in the past in simular situations but now it has happend to me my bearings are spinning and wondering what the hell happend.
Women just have a hormonal inbalance sometimes that effects the way there brain works, this is why they start doing things that look rediculous to the outside observer.

I was more let down about the stab in the back from what I thought was my friend more than about the relationship ending.

Basically I think my advice to myself is never take women too seriously and accept they can be scatty and weird to even the richest, well mannered of men, that's why they then end up with the gardener.

In hind site I am seeing this girl now for what she really is and I am determined not to let that undermine future relationships, but I can't help thinking that it has unfairly caused a dent in my confidence and trust with women. But they are not all like that I know.

 

[joekerr31]

ok heres the deal man. human beings are f*cked up. men and women.

its easy to hate people because they are acting badly, but the truth is, if they had any sense they wouldn't act badly. not to spare your feelings, or anyone elses, but because its self destructive.

sure, she probably has all kinds of rationalizations for her behavior, but do you for 1 second think that when she looks in the mirror she is proud of what she sees? don't fool yourself man, she's knows shes a slut.

you're caught up in her cycle of self destruction. she can't have any regard for your feelings because she has no regard for her own.

just like you have no regard for your own well being (ie. self respect) by letting this b*tch drag you down.

the thing is you should be thankful to her because this experience will force you to grow stronger. Either that or it will crush you. but it will only crush you if you let it.

we are born into this world alone, and we die alone, others are just along for the journey. So be thankful that you had an interesting 6 years, and be even MORE thankful that you have the chance to continue along the journey, where you will meet new and interesting friends and loves.

men are born to be knights my friend. have you ever seen the sight of a knight bawling his eyes out in the field of battle because his lover left him? No because a knight always has his faith and principle to guide him. in this sense he is never alone.

men need to embrace their journey through life as knights. A philosopher by the name of seneca once said that the roman warriors considered it an insult to fight a lesser opponent because there was no glory in it, no honor. They wanted to fight their equals, get scarred and challenged. then victory was honorable. seneca said in this way God tests men, so that they may find what they are truly made of.

women don't get this privilege. Most women will never truly know what they are made of, because when life tests them the run to some man to solve their problems or make them feel better.

honestly, you gave your nobility to this wench for 6 years. that's long enough.

time to get up off the ground and be the knight you were born to be.

my 2 cents.
J

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

Very profound words, thanx a lot mate.

 

[penkitten]

why did you email her back previously even to say mean things? because you were still hurt , even if you were trying to hide it, thats why you bothered.
why did you say those very mean things about him? because you are still hurt, you havent totally gave up your feelings yet.
why did you meet with her the other day? because you are still hurt. you have been waiting for either one of them to get hurt all this time, so you could secretly gloat to yourself about it.

you sound like a great guy, and all these things are so very normal. stop worrying about it all so much.

you have a few choices that you have to make...
do you really want her back, after what she did to you? she threw away 6 years of your lives because of a simple job rejection and it turned her world upside down, making her want things and go after things with out discussing it with you. she rubbed your nose in it to hurt you and she emails you and meets you for drinks. why? to continue to rub your nose in it a little and also because she still has a thing for you or she wouldnt be doing any of it, she would cut the contact completely.

do you feel guilty for saying the bad things the other night about him and honestly want to do the right thing here? the next time she emails you, respond back and tell her you were sorry you said some very bad things about him, you didnt mean a word of it, you were going thru your own problems and had a few drinks and you were telling her things you thought she wanted to hear. tell her you dont think that it is right to continue a friendship relationship with her, it proablly makes her boyfriend feel uncomfortable knowing that she emails and meets you for drinks and if he doesnt know, well thats even worse.
dont be mean if you respond to her, gently lay it on the line and let her know this can not be allowed to continue. make sure you let her know it is you that has chosen not to allow this .

do you want to move on in your life? let her go.
i know it is hard, honestly i do. i know what it is like to let go of a relationship that you have put so much into for so long. let it go.
the entire relationship ended on her free will and her choices and even if she apologized and you made up, it can never go back to what it was before she made those choices and walked out and hurt you. if you were with her again, your pride will slip away from you. sure you can forgive and forget, however there is a line between forgiving and forgetting and getting back together.
i commend alot of people for being able to make things work after something like that has happened, however i know from experience that i must move on.
i have learned from true experience, that in order for me to have a happy relationship, where i can be in love, it can not be tainted.
you never look at each other the same after something like that.
i love the way you look into one anothers eyes, and souls before something like that .

i personally believe we meet people in our lives, our lives cross and sometimes we just dont grow together and we learn a few things and we benifit in our next relationship having learned what we did. it gives us character, painful as if is to learn, that is needed in the future.

she may feel sorry and guilty for what happened, however it is also time for her to forgive herself and move on. what ever happens with them, it is out of your control.
they must go down their own roads, and you must go down yours.

in your heart, you can wish her luck, and tell yourself it is ok to let her go and you will slowly forget how much this whole thing had been so painful and you will move on and you will find a good woman somewhere out there who will not leave you and will not treat you the way that this one has done.
imagine all of this was so that way you would know when you found the right girl, because she will appreciate you and not do the same things this one had done.

 

[joekerr31]

what a chic response. honestly outside of 'let it go' everything you just asid offered him nothing to move forward on. let it go means nothing to guys. what he needs to do is find the knight inside of him. let it go is a chic thing. let it go sure, but see that the only reason this whole thing happened was that he gave up his nobility to a slut.

one thing ive noticed is that chics dont ever latch on to a greater purpose in life. they just 'let it go' until some other dude comes along that they can grab onto again.

be a knight dude.
J

 

[speedo_meme]

Here's a tip for you to get over exes......

Jack off thinking about her and imagine yourself disrespecting her in the foulest of ways. Then think about the non-afc dude that's probably doing those same things to her right at that moment. Look at yourself in the mirror. Now you have nowhere to go but up.

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Old Rusty,

I'm sincerely sorry to here of the loss of your mom. It doesn't get any worse than that, and I cannot begin to fathom how that must feel.

My situation is similar to yours in that my mother suffered from a debilitating illness this past year. While she didn't pass away, she came pretty close. And it scared me sh1tless. Definitely the most challenging year of my life.

I also had the woman I was planning to marry leave me. And you know what? When I was going through all the worry, the hours of searching for cures in books and on the Internet for my mom, the gradual withdrawal into my 'cave'(cycling), the endless trips to the hospital, the constant vision that my mom was withering away to skin and bones, my woman did absolutely nothing to try to understand and support me. The saddest part is that I was so wrapped up in my problems, I had no idea how little she was supporting me at the time.

Did something like this happen to you?

You see, I'm starting to find out that if there is any kind of imbalance in a relationship, such as if your over-responsible(me) and she's under-responsible(her), when a stressful event comes, the relationship dies. Period. If your house burns down, dead relationship. If there is a serious illness or death in the family, dead relationship. If one gets a new job, dead relationship. If you make a major move, dead relationship. All of these things are very stressful events for a human, so they put a relationship to the ultimate test. If it's balanced, it survives. If not, it fails.

Your relationship got tested and it failed. I don't know why. But look long and hard at the dynamic you had with her, and I'm positive you'll see an imbalance.

This is what happened to me Bud. She got a new career and my mom got sick all at the same time. And our relationship went from being enviable to dead. I'm suffering so much that I'm seeing a Psych. Yeah, it's embarassing and my ego is almost gone, but that's all I can do at this point.

All of this stress that you are having right now is just a waste of your energy. Give it up because you are gonna need all that energy, and more, to get over this thing the right way. Your ego is going to drive you to resurrect this relationship from the dead, but I, and everyone else here, am telling you the bottom line, which is that it's over.

You could go out and score some chicks, thereby transferring the issues into another relationship, do your best to win this girl back, or deal with it like the man you are and confront the pain. Trust me, the last choice is the best one, but it's your decision.

 

[joekerr31]

amen to that!

and once you deal with your pain you'll never pick a woman like her again. trust me, its really odd, but i use to see b*tches as goddesses. then i got my head out of my ass and now i can't fathom what it was in them that attracted me.

well truth is i know what it was. i wanted to have to work to be loved. I thought being loved was something you had to earn, that you had to struggle for, etc.

now i realize there are TONS of women out there (the minority i admit, but still lots of them) who don't have a million issues, and who don't think that love is something you have to tear out of another human being.

the balance thing is BANG on the money. another way of saying it is maturity.

and i also am sorry for your mother. you're whole life came crashing down around you, but you are still standing, be proud of yourself for that.

this is why pain seems like a punishment, but truth is when you overcome the pain you have the strength to truly live life. most people run from pain their whole lives. most peopel throw themselves into one drama after another just so they dont have to stop and reflect on their life.

you'll get through this and you'll be a king among men

J

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

I also had the woman I was planning to marry leave me. And you know what? When I was going through all the worry, the hours of searching for cures in books and on the Internet for my mom, the gradual withdrawal into my 'cave'(cycling), the endless trips to the hospital, the constant vision that my mom was withering away to skin and bones,

I am sorry to hear you had a rough time too, glad obviously that it worked out ok in the end though, but to your point, yes exactly that, along with my brothers, I did everything you did, desperatly looking for an answer or a cure.
one moment she was a healthy 50 year old non- drinking non-smoking woman, 6 months later she was gone. It was surreal and I could not believe it was happening, she was the strong one you would run to in our family. But yes I cannot help thinking all my crying, which I tried to hide (fact, girls hate to see men cry) and my depression from it all which would effect my mood swings. But thats part of grieving as I understand.
I believe all that had a knock on effect on the relationship.

Well thats what the ex said she hated about me, my mood swings, and the new guy seemed 'more together'.
Well when you 45, have teenage children, your rich with 3 large houses and a very well paid job then I guess you will be more togther than some one whos starting out who has just lost their mother.

I think he had an un fair advantage over me. But I felt bad using my mothers name as an excuse for my ex's behavoir.
But life is not always fair.

don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for myself, all this has just made me stronger too, and relise what is really important in this world. Blood is thicker than water,your family will always or should always be there for you, where as your ex's will come and go.

She was there for me, but I don't think she really was, she was just hanging around.

I am better off with out someone like that I guess, but it has been two big losses in two years but obviously the ex does not come even close in importance to my mother.

Strange thing is, since we have split up,my ex has visited my Mothers grave, and I believe she took her new boyfriend down there too.
Why I don't really know, she said because she cared, I don't what to believe anymore, it's all very strange but I did not like the idea that he may have gone and trodden somewhere so sacred to me.

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

Sorry whether it is right or wrong I have done it now, I have sent her an email I think will redeam me from looking like the weaker man after pointing out the new guys tiny stature and big age, and now I will not contact her and I will ignore her emails if any, if we pass in a store I will not stop and chat like I used too, I will giver her no more than a 'Roger Moore' raised eye brow of acknowledgement, but yes I am going to give my blessing and move on.

Here is my last email to her.


Hi, this is an email you may like to share with Steve, I am guessing that you will be happy to hear that, yes I did see you and Steve together Saturday evening, and that I would just like to emphasize to you both, Steve should not fear me, I will not do anything as 'sophisticated' and 'classy' as to hit or headbutt Steve, I do not wish any harm whatsoever to come to Steve. I do not 'hate' Steve, I do not 'hate' anybody.

I am more enlightened on the whole story now, who did what, why, how and when, and frankly none of it really means anything to me any more. It was just a relationship abnormity that is now being put away in a box.
We are just two seperate entities doing our thing, I no longer feel the victim, besides, it really does not suit my persona.

As for seeing you two together, yes I was there a few minutes, but I was happy to find myself feeling numb and indifferent to what I was witnessing as if it was just another couple in the club.
And at the risk of sound cliche, I feel inside bizarrely, a feeling of happiness for you two.

I am happy, my life is going well, and your life is going well, so we are both happy that's what is important, I accept that when we have met up I can be a real outspoken a*sehole, but that's just me, I say what I see, and I can live with that.

And basically in a nutshell, that is all I have to say on the entire matter, the subject is now closed.

 

[hithard]

Here is my last email to her.

Heres the hard bit not sending another email after she replies.I think a big problem with men after a breakup ,is that they think they have to keep going till it works or till they fix the problem.We come up with a million different ideas of if only I try this or do that or give this a go.Nothing worse then getting them back only to realise they havent changed and your putting in all the effort.

Its not your job to fix it.She broke it and from the sounds of it she is not the type of person you need around.Do not be one of those guys that must have the last word to every message she sends you.They biggest panic provoking, emotional stirring message you can send her is total silence, no contact ,cold turkey give up, not an iota of nada ,jack $hit of any words spoken written sent by smoke mail ,you get the point.

And if you get the message starting with or containing "miss you ,thinking of you, remember when do you think we could make this work"or anything on the lines of drawing you back in DO NOTHING.Its easy to say I wont ever message again.But reading it and not answering back is a lot harder fresh out of a relationship.Get your head over it.Take the time of cold turkey.By the end of it you will realise you dont need her in your life and actually believe it alot more strongly then you do now.

 

[joekerr31]

the thing that gets people messed up is that they get use to turning to their ex for emotional support when things are tough.

then when its the ex thats the problem, its this wierd horrible cycle where you are turning to the person who is hurting you to comfort you.

thats why all men have to be able to cut loose and move on with their life.

everyone needs to learn to be their own support. easier said than done. but go out and get some books on the subject and when you are down read them.

J

 

[penkitten]

now that the email is sent, you must cut the contact.
if by chance she emails you, dont write back. its not worth the drama anymore.

now you can go on with your life, find new and exciting things to do and people that you want to meet.

no worries, the best is yet to come.

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by joekerr31
what a chic response. honestly outside of 'let it go' everything you just asid offered him nothing to move forward on. let it go means nothing to guys. what he needs to do is find the knight inside of him. let it go is a chic thing. let it go sure, but see that the only reason this whole thing happened was that he gave up his nobility to a slut.

one thing ive noticed is that chics dont ever latch on to a greater purpose in life. they just 'let it go' until some other dude comes along that they can grab onto again.

be a knight dude.
J

letting go is not a chick response, its a human response.
women can find a greater purpose in life than a wallet or "whos the strongest man".
some people just havent learned that this universe has more to offer than them being in the center of it. this girl was probally a good girl and then had some stress she couldnt handle and in one moment of weakness went and tore up everything . just because she did that, and became what she did at the moment doesnt mean that all women are like that and it also doesnt mean that this chick can not change her ways. if she grows up and changes, good for her, but she can and will have to do that on her own.
i did not know until now that the original poster lost his mother, and i am sorry to hear that.
i really hate that your whole world fell apart all at the same time. i do know that the loss of this relationship is for the best now. if this girl did these things at your weakest point, its best she is gone for good now. now you can find more to yourlife and move forward in ways that you could not have done with her by your side. i hate it when people go thru traumatic experiences such as a loved one passing away only to be betrayed by what they thought was their partner and best friend.
prayers be with you.

 

[an_old_rusty_master]

A big thanx to all your people, I just need that reassuring kick up the *** and a bit of outside guidance, I used to be soo far from being a AFC, and I avoided it as much I could concidering the circumstances, but some times it felt hard to really let go and I know that was her problem too and still is even though she is the one running but trying to keep me in the picture.

Luckily I have come away with my pride and dignity intact, and I am hoping that final email really will place me above both of them in value instead of me being looked down on as the unlucky looser.

That's part of what the Don Juan is about, coming out smelling of roses no matter what and retaining your value and being the prize. And now my stocks should shoot through the roof and I will end up eventually with someone new, fresh, and exciting.

Thanx once again.