Advice

[Rubato]

I'm seeking your council about a young lady I would like to make mine. I met her in biochemistry class group this term and have had a crush on her since August. I ended up running in to her last month while I was sarging and that's when things started happening with us. I gave the ex-ballerina a ballroom dance lesson at the bar, # closed her, bounced. She let me know when she bounced and I joined her at the other bar and she invited me to dance with her.

We've been on 3 dates since. I have kissed her. I am concerned because her communicative style seems to have changed with me this past week and it may be because I have concurrently developed a terrible case of oneitis for her, despite 4 other very high quality plates. She has given me several big IOI's:

-I may be losing my license, and in a very joking way told her that she might have to become my driver, and she responded very seriously that she would drive from her place (30 minutes) to pick me up for whatever date I plan.
-She said I am a confident man (rather than a boy) who understands how to be masculine without being an idiot.
-She invites me over to meet her parents.
-She invites me out to meet her friends (that ended up getting canceled due to a friend's grandmother's sudden death)
-She asks me to continue to teach her ballroom dance and is thrilled when I suggest we go to a ball together.
-She is up and ready at 8 AM after being out till 2:30 AM to get breakfast with me.

I could go on. The point is, when I think about this stuff rationally, I wonder why I'm worried that this girl may not like me. I have that feeling though in my gut that something is wrong, and that feeling has only been wrong just a few times. There is an AMOG type figure in my class who sits between the 2 of us, and they liked each other at the beginning of the semester. She realized he's an immature attention seeking child retard however and when she was not interested, he started treating her badly. I made a mistake and he found out me and the girl were hanging out. He's totally changed his decorum around her.

The last two times I have spoken to the girl, I do not feel like I have been in a very dominant "man" frame. Thursday her was a wake for her friend and it was the day before this I feel like things began to change. She texted me that she would not be in class becuase of the wake and asked me to fill her in on what happened (I found out she also asked that AMOG guy). I called her to see how she was doing and she didn't seem to want to reveal much information. We are both religious, so I told her I would pray for her, and after a few minutes of small talk when I felt like I got the conversation to a higher emotional point, I cut it.

I texted her about 20 minutes before she said she would attend the wake and told her I had prayed for her and all that nice church stuff that follows. She responded kindly and said she needed it. I told her she would be fine and to call me later if she needed to talk.

I began no contacting her after this.

She went to Chicago over the weekend with her cousins for their annual shopping trip. We had made tenative plans to hang out Sunday night if she got home earlier enough. I had not heard a word from her (which was unusual becuase she normally texts me something) and was getting aggrevated. She broke no contact last night and said that it was too late to do anything :/ (it was too late though) and asked how my weekend went. I have been beating myself up over saying something like "yes, it is. but that's all right. Let me know when you're free and we can plan something else". I also told her my weekend had been good. She never made mention of making new plans and told me some more about her trip and how nice it was to see her cousin in the hospital (she just had a stroke). Another point I have been beating myself up over - I said something like "well, I bet it was really encouraging for her to be able to see your smiling face" or some BS like that. I asked her if she found any good deals in Chicago. It took her almost 2 hours to respond and by then, I had gone to bed.

I have not heard anymore from her and have been no contacting her again.

I feel like the talk I had with my dad last night helped erradicate a lot of the oneitis from me, but I'm still unsure how to proceed. I will see her tomorrow in class. What would you do about this VU? My wing suggested I act as though nothing were different than it was last week and tell her about a Christmas ball I found and figure out some time I can give her another dance lesson. But given what's happened, I don't know if I should be displaying any more interest right now. I don't want to chase her. I want her to chase me. So then, should my tactics change accordingly? I'm not really sure what to do. I know that if I talk to her about making plans tomorrow, that will give me a pretty good idea about how interested she is, and I may find out she is no longer interested. I feel like I have been trying too hard, being too "nice", and like I already said, I'm not sure what to do.

What advice do you have?

 

[EFFORT]

Hey Rubato. My advice is to focus on your other 4 high quality plates and let this one go.

 

[Chamber36]

Hey Rubato. My advice is to focus on your other 4 high quality plates and let this one go.

Mine too

 

[Rubato]

That was the direction I have been headed. It's not a decision I'd like to make.

But I have to agree with both of you that it's probably the best one.

 

[Aaron B]

has she earned further access to your time and attention?

 

[Rubato]

has she earned further access to your time and attention?

No. If you're asking what I think you're asking, she's done nothing since our last date to demonstrate to me that she's worthy of my time and attention. She's barely communicated with me.

If she is the high quality girl I thought/think (I'm currently on the fence about this one) she is, I'll go against the grain and say that a high quality girl will be worthy of at least limited access to my time and attention simply because she is not an idiot.

She's a foreign girl (Syrian) and very religious (Christian of all things), so I'm wondering if her familial and religious norms and mores make her the type of girl that waits for the man to initiate action.

I doubt that sincerely.

Unless you count only sporadically talking to me in the midst of a family vacation and the death of a close friend doing something wrong, she has done nothing wrong. She has also done nothing "right" either. My dad is a very wise man (man, not male) and advised me to give her a break given what's been going on. He said that 3 days of being "off" is forgivable.... when it starts turning in to a week, 2 weeks, ect, that's something different. He advocated interacting with her tomorrow like I would have a week ago and proceed from there. A face to face interaction will tell me infinitely more than a phone call or text message. He also reminded me that if I just "let this one go" and because I assume disinterest, I will always wonder whether I was right. I've done this before and later found out the girl was actually interested. One of my life's principles is that regret is infinitely worse than remorse. I would rather pursue an end to its logical conclusion (rather than an illogical or assumed conclusion) and have failed rather than have bailed out because of an assumption only to have been wrong.

Regret >>>> Remorse (for the math people out there)

 

[fibonacci]

No. If you're asking what I think you're asking, she's done nothing since our last date to demonstrate to me that she's worthy of my time and attention. She's barely communicated with me.

If she is the high quality girl I thought/think (I'm currently on the fence about this one) she is, I'll go against the grain and say that a high quality girl will be worthy of at least limited access to my time and attention simply because she is not an idiot.

She's a foreign girl (Syrian) and very religious (Christian of all things), so I'm wondering if her familial and religious norms and mores make her the type of girl that waits for the man to initiate action.

I doubt that sincerely.

Unless you count only sporadically talking to me in the midst of a family vacation and the death of a close friend doing something wrong, she has done nothing wrong. She has also done nothing "right" either. My dad is a very wise man (man, not male) and advised me to give her a break given what's been going on. He said that 3 days of being "off" is forgivable.... when it starts turning in to a week, 2 weeks, ect, that's something different. He advocated interacting with her tomorrow like I would have a week ago and proceed from there. A face to face interaction will tell me infinitely more than a phone call or text message. He also reminded me that if I just "let this one go" and because I assume disinterest, I will always wonder whether I was right. I've done this before and later found out the girl was actually interested. One of my life's principles is that regret is infinitely worse than remorse. I would rather pursue an end to its logical conclusion (rather than an illogical or assumed conclusion) and have failed rather than have bailed out because of an assumption only to have been wrong.

Regret >>>> Remorse (for the math people out there)

Like myself you seem to be both fearless and philosophical - however one must not forget that quitting while your ahead is not the same as quitting; and that some things simply aren't worth it.

Weak minds wonder, the strong imagine.

 

[Iceberg]

He also reminded me that if I just "let this one go" and because I assume disinterest, I will always wonder whether I was right.

Eh. I wouldn't say "always". More like, you'll wonder whether you were right, until the next girl comes along

Regret >>>> Remorse (for the math people out there)

Regret is greater than remorse in situations where you're trying to motivate yourself into action. The kind of regret that comes with asking a girl out, but getting rejected. Or pursing the job of your dreams, and it doesn't work out.

Regret > Remorse doesn't quite have the same dignity in it when you're talking about a girl who's already giving you repeated, and escalating signs of disinterest, but you want to put your head on the chopping block one more time just to be sure.

Will it harm you to try one more time? Of course not. But after a while this whole "DJ" thing becomes more art than science. And you'll learn to trust your gut. Right now, I think you know what your gut is telling you to do.

 

[window]

Basically you are feeling anxiety. The worst thing a guy can do is take action from a position of fear or anxiety as your actions will scream needy, AFC etc etc. What you need to do is ask yourself why you are feeling this anxiety. Is it because your mind is playing false tricks on you or is it because the girl has actually stopped participating in the exchance of energy between you and her in which case your anxiety is justified. Pretty much when I start to feel these types of non desirable emotions it generally means I've invested too much of myself in a particular outcome so I just back off and relax. If the girl was meeting you half way then more positive states of feeling / emotion would develop. Things like excitement, happiness and feeling good when you are away from her. The thing that happens when someone pulls away from us is that energetically speaking we fall forward into the space that they create. The trick is to be as energetically centred as you can be so if the vacuums open up you realise what is happening and just step around it.

 

[Kenny Powers]

F these guys who are telling you to give up. If you like this girl then go after her. Nothing wrong with a chase if she is worth it. Obviously stop if she starts pulling away or turns out to be low quality. Also makes sure to NOT SEEM NEEDY OR DESPERATE.

Don't give up just cause that's not what a dj would do, a dj does what he wants. You want this girl? Then go get her!

However i can't reiterate the importance of being chill and confident throughout this process and paying attention to see if she is really worth it. Maybe try to meet in person in a few days and act like nothing is wrong.

If you continue to get mixed/weird signals from her, then you can give up. HOWEVER by that I mean give up chasing and just take the risk of telling her how you feel and seeing if she feels the same way.

 

[fibonacci]

F these guys who are telling you to give up. If you like this girl then go after her. Nothing wrong with a chase if she is worth it. Obviously stop if she starts pulling away or turns out to be low quality. Also makes sure to NOT SEEM NEEDY OR DESPERATE.

Don't give up just cause that's not what a dj would do, a dj does what he wants. You want this girl? Then go get her!

However i can't reiterate the importance of being chill and confident throughout this process and paying attention to see if she is really worth it. Maybe try to meet in person in a few days and act like nothing is wrong.

If you continue to get mixed/weird signals from her, then you can give up. HOWEVER by that I mean give up chasing and just take the risk of telling her how you feel and seeing if she feels the same way.

You seem like one that would wage a war to "chase" the woman you fancy.

I'll try this in caps. IF THE WOMAN IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU, NO AMOUNT OF CHASING WILL DO YOU ANY GOOD.

Life is too short to squander away your time in the pursuit of something that shares a dissimilar interest.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

If you continue to get mixed/weird signals from her, then you can give up. HOWEVER by that I mean give up chasing and just take the risk of telling her how you feel and seeing if she feels the same way.

When a guy's advice ends with "just take the risk of telling her how you feel."

You can either assume that he's not a guy.

Or that he has no clue what the F he's talking about.

Could you imagine, "Hey (girl). I just have to say, I have very deep feelings for you. If you have deep feelings for me, we should go out some time."

 

[Rubato]

You seem like one that would wage a war to "chase" the woman you fancy.

I'll try this in caps. IF THE WOMAN IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU, NO AMOUNT OF CHASING WILL DO YOU ANY GOOD.

Life is too short to squander away your time in the pursuit of something that shares a dissimilar interest.

You've just said exactly what I'm afraid I'm bordering on the fringes of doing.

I do NOT want to chase.

I do not feel like its edifying of a man to do so and categorically agree that it will do the opposite of engendering attraction.

My struggle right now is determining the line between healthy pursuit and unhealthy chasing. As Iceberg mentioned above, trust the gut. And my gut is telling me that I'm treading on thin ice as far as chasing goes. If this girl is in fact interested in me, I'll get another IOI without having to do anything.

Some girls are worth pursuing. No girl is worth chasing.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

You did nothing wrong from what I've read in your original post.. Other than that you have "not been in your dominant man frame" the last two times you hungout with this girl. If she's worth your time though, she can look past this.

Sounds like she's playing hard to get here, since you don't want to chase then just let her be. Let her come back to you.

Whatever you do, don't make a move from an anxious position like one of the previous posters had said. It's insulting to yourself to do that. (And we've all been there wayyyy too many times to know it doesn't work lol) Just go focus your time on other things.

 

[ArcBound]

OP I think you are reading too much into it.

She asked that guy what was happening in class, so what? Don't give a fvck.

IMO you are overreacting to the fact she is in contact with this dude and your jealousy is going to cause you to crash and burn. Your wing is right act like nothing is wrong and stop being an insecure phaggot.

BTW the weekend she went to Chicago you should have taken out one of your plates. Then when your one-itis called and said it's too late to do anything, you should have said nah I had a great weekend I went to X with Y, and I guarantee she wouldn't have been giving you any cold shoulder.

 

[Rubato]

OP I think you are reading too much into it.

She asked that guy what was happening in class, so what? Don't give a fvck.

IMO you are overreacting to the fact she is in contact with this dude and your jealousy is going to cause you to crash and burn. Your wing is right act like nothing is wrong and stop being an insecure phaggot.

BTW the weekend she went to Chicago you should have taken out one of your plates. Then when your one-itis called and said it's too late to do anything, you should have said nah I had a great weekend I went to X with Y, and I guarantee she wouldn't have been giving you any cold shoulder.

Actually I did do that. I went out sarging Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I also took at one plate before I went out Friday and another plate Saturday afternoon. If you call going to church with the intention of meeting women sarging, I did that too Sunday.

My wing was right.

I went to class and conjured up a pretty decent frame. One of my problems has been that my neurologist is more ADHD than I am and forgets to send me rx's for my medication. I would find another doctor, but it's a difficult situation because he's my dad's colleague and writes me whatever I want without a problem and never gives me problems for asking for dose increases or more medication.

My Ritalin script ran out the 17th and I had actually not used it up by then, but i was out by the 18th. I didn't get a new script till today, so I had to switch over to some old Adderall pills I had to avoid going in to withdrawal. I think that's what messed my state up because that's the reason I switched from Adderall to Ritalin in the first place... Adderall just makes me nervous, way too overzealous about everything, overthinking, overfocused, and as a result, an insecure little girl.

Now that I'm back on the right medication I feel a lot better about things.

The girl was late to class and opened me with a text message. The long and the short of it is that I feel like equilibrium has been reestablished. She asked for another ballroom lesson without me suggesting it. I asked her after class what her week looked like and she said it was busy, but that she could find some time for me. All the while, she laughed at what I said, some of it was very funny, some was very dumb.

You're also very right... I missed a prime opportunity when I didn't mention at least one of the things I did and just generally said that I had a good weekend. I have used jealously plotlines with this girl before though and she knows there are at least 2 other girls in the class we have with the hots for me. But the more the merrier I say.

In any event, I have felt much better since my medications got back in sync. And to point, I felt better before the positive interaction with the girl. I felt good about that too... I'm happy that my state had improved so dramatically even in the absence of a positive interaction with her.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Rubato,

What’s with all this talk of “plates” in this thread? What will we be talking about next------- “cups”, “saucers”, “knives”, and “forks” too? Just kiddin’. I thought a little kitchen table humor was somehow appropriate here.

Anyway Bro’, I got your email. Sorry I’m just now able to respond to your thread here, but I’ve been away on “missions” (as I’m sure you know). But regardless, I’ll give you my take on your current situation. I’d advise you to factor in the following Intel in regards to all future contact with this, or any other girls that you meet:


First, you said that you’ve had a crush on this girl since August, and you’ve been going out for only a month so far. Understand that that’s not really a whole lot of time in regards to establishing a significant, mutual bond. Notice, I didn’t say that you couldn’t establish “a” bond------its just that usually it’s not that significant. And the reason why it’s not significant is because there’s a tendency for that bond to be weaker on one end than the other. Pump your breaks in situations like this.

Otherwise, your emotions will be driving 100 miles an hour while your reason will be riding in the backseat without a seatbelt.

Since you’re in school, I’m making the assumption here that this girl is also kind of young (early twenties or so), and if that’s the case, please remember that the younger a woman is, the more erratic her emotions tend to be. Also, the more likely she is to be ruled mostly by them. Unfortunately, it’s not unusual for younger women to move from one whirlwind romance to another. I’m not saying that this is 100% the case with this girl, but I am saying that you should always keep that fact in the back of your mind while you’re dealing with her.

You ain’t new to this------plus you’re privy to many of my strategies and philosophies, so I must remind you to go back and re-read about “The Dirty Dozen”. Remember that it’s generally risky to make any concrete judgment calls on a woman’s true level of passion for you before a certain number of dates spread out over a certain number of months. A woman’s consistency of “good” behavior towards you is your BEST gauge of how she really feels about you. Without enough of a good track record, trying to guess how she feels about you will just be THAT----------a “guess”.

I agree with some of what has been written in this thread already, in that you’ve placed yourself in a position whereas you’ve allowed her to capture too much of your thought life----------while she has NOT consistently proven that you’ve captured the same amount of hers. At this point, a “strategic withdrawal” from her would probably be best. If possible, focus your attention on finding and engaging women who are “at least” as physically attractive as her------but MORE consistently into you than she seems to be right now.


What many people WON’T tell you around here is that multiple female options mean NOTHING to you if you see them as “inferior” to the woman you view as the “frontrunner”.


Please take a moment and re-read the previous sentence again----SLOWLY.

Now, moving on:

I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t ask her out at least once more though. Next time you ask her out, make a definitive date request and give her the activity, date, and time. Then, shut the hell up and let her respond. If she says “yes” and follows through with it, then your crusade is still on.

But, if she says “no” and doesn’t suggest any DEFINITE alternative date idea to you-------then place her so far on the back-burner that you run the risk of burning your arm if you reach for her. No more of this asking her if she’s “busy” nonsense. Again, you and I BOTH know that you’re better than this, don’t we?

Also, you’re approaching this whole situation from a mindset that seems to ASSUME that the two of you are in a relationship. Stop doing’ that, my brother. Never assume things like that with women-------especially this early on. Unless you or she (preferably) brings up the subject of exclusivity------just assume that even though she may be enjoying your company-----she MIGHT be consciously or subconsciously keeping her options open as well. Another thing, don’t fall into the trap of making excuses for her behavior. Don’t give her anymore “unearned” benefits of the doubt about her maybe being too traditional or “shy” to show you a “reasonable” amount of consistent interest back.

Ask yourself THIS question: “Was she too traditional or too shy to ask you on several previous occasions to:

• Bar hop with her for more drinks
• Come meet her parents
• Teach her AND “take her” dancing
• Come meet her friends
• Ask both YOU and that guy she claims “not” to like anymore to take notes for her in class

I’m sure by now you get the picture. If she could be proactive “then”, she could be just as proactive “now”-------she just has to WANT to be.

Again, I’m not saying that this is a lame chick, because she actually may not be. But what I AM saying is that you should remember to think of your emotional expressions of interest to women like “a current". In other words, it should be a natural, back and forth "flow". If you don’t see any emotional expressions of interest from her CONSISTENTLY flowing back to you, then be ready, willing, and able to cut YOURS off. Anything LESS than that could expose you to unwanted emotional turmoil and confusion-------which is exactly what you’ve been experiencing.

Keep it moving and stay “up”. I’m confident that you have a BRIGHT dating/relationship future ahead of you. Whether it happens to be with this girl or an even better one.:rockon:


Soldier On.

VU