Advice time.

[Misrah]

Hey all, sometimes poster- frequent lurker.

I have a ****ing trip, and TLDR for you.

I went on a date with this girl. For the second time in my life I have felt the 'feels of infatuation'. Of all the girls I have ever dated (50+) at this point- only two have ever done this to me. My first serious LTR GF and now this new one. New one is a 29y/o super successful lawyer

First date went well, Second date kiss close (One date each week)- and then it went on from there. I tried to follow my normal dating routines, and rule sets. Treat all girls the same. Long story short. Date 3 we end up sleeping together, she spends the night. Date 4, same thing happens. This is now 1 month. While laying in bed, she asks me to become exclusive. I was more than willing, as this is the second person in my 27 year life to ever touch me like this.

Then she drops the bomb. She is recently 3 months out of a 3.5 year engagement, where here fiancee cheated on her with one of her friends. I sit, and ponder this. Obviously- this girl is damaged, broken, toxic, fire. I even tell her this. But again- those terrible, horrible feelings. I decide that I am not the type of person to walk away from something so rare for me, so knowing the risks- I continue the relationship.

Soon we are seeing each other 1/2 Times during the week, and basically spending every weekend with each other. I take her rock climbing, teach her archery, go to an EDM festival, hit up some great restaurants, cook her breakfast once and awhile.

I meet her sister for a short while, her mother knows of me. A short time after becoming exclusive, we start texting each other, every day, about a dozen or so texts. Almost 1.5 months in and we start talking on the phone once and awhile. We start planning activities in the future / upcoming weeks.

About 2 months in- she mentions to me that she feels that we went 0-100 really fast in the relationship. To which I tell her- Well you asked to become exclusive, we see each other 1/2 times during the week and on weekends. We don't text marathon, and we talk on the phone once and awhile. Its not at is we spend every waking moment, or I expect you to be with me 24/7.

She agrees, laughs it off. As do I. (huge mistake here. I should have asked at this time, 'What are your expectations in this relationship then?) 12 days later- I was super drunk, haning out with her after a party- and I ask her the 'Hey do you mind if I just call you my GF? Otherwise I have just been introducing you as NAME'. She says sure. (However later that night, when I am 100% sober- she tells me "Did you know you asked me to be your GF? To which I again STUPIDLY doubled down, and said yah- that still cool?)

A week passes. We talk on the phone for 2+ hours at a time twice that week, we hang out at her place, and just make out and talk for 3+ hours. Nothing brought up, nothing changed.

This past weekend, she comes over- and tells me "I think that we should start dating other people. But I still want to date you, and would like to continue doing so."

We talked it over, and she was sobbing the entire time. I told her, no. I am not going to be an emotional tampon, and I am certainly not going to commit emotional suicide by being your 'second option'. She leaves, tears in her eyes and looking back at me as I shut the door after her.

Needless to say, I am torn up- bad over this 2.5 month relationship. I was invested, I was very into her- and I thought she was the same. Our chemistry was clearly seen by many of my friends, who made comments about it. She herself told me (while in bed) that I was the best she has ever had, and had never enjoyed oral sex before me. Many times she verbalized feelings of intimacy with me. Hence why I was taken so off guard by this.

I come to you gentlemen asking for help.

At this point and time, she has a letter from me basically saying 'I care about you, but you need to walk this journey alone. When you make yourself whole again, and want to try dating- call me.' Otherwise I have told her point blank, not to contact me in any way. I have deleted her from all my applications, and have had no contact with her for close to 1 week.

I need help. I need help because I don't want to walk away from something so rare. (Not that a girl is rare. What is rare is that she is the second person in my 27 year life who has touched me like this). So I find myself at a crossroads. Do I continue to walk away, or do i box my feelings- and continue to be in her life. (While dating other girls as well) Ideally so that way, when she is dating around with other chumps (who in no way could ever compare to me) I am still around for her to come running back too.

Or...

Do i save all of my time, money and effort and pour it into other girls. Leave her, with the logic being- that even if she was damaged she still chose to partially dump me, and play the field.

Clearly this girl is not ready for commitment, clearly she is unable to have any semblance of an LTR and is more than likely emotionally healing from the trauma of her last relationship. Either way I can't make up my mind, and I am going nuts.

If anyone has any insight on this- or any advice, it would be appreciated.

Thank you fellow DJs

 

[LiveYourDream]

A woman wants to be with a man who is centered in himself. She wants to be with a man who has already created a life that he is enjoying living. Those two characteristics are massively attractive to a woman. They portray strength, success, and a man who is already happy. He is a man who is not needy for a woman. He is a man open to adding a woman into his life, but only if the woman were to add significant meaningful value to his life. A woman wants to be that woman, to a man she admires, respects and finds attractive.

What happened in your case, as it often does when a man finds a woman very desirable, is you lost your center. Your own focus and actions moved from coming from your center, to instead being centered on her. That type of shift causes an immediate and massive drop in a woman's attraction to a man. It pedestalizes her and therefore automatically conveys that the man perceives his own value as less than hers. Contrary to what one might think, that positioning is actually a massive turn-off for a woman. It takes her from finding you highly attractive, down below neutral, to you now actually actively turning her off, with your attention and actions. This is when men end up wondering what happened.

Understand when this happens a woman is not thinking your value, her value, pedestal, etc. The change in your positioning create a different experience and thus different feelings inside her. She is likely not sure what happened either. She had felt so attracted to you. She just knows that now she is feeling differently and experiencing you differently. She knows she doesn't experience you as the man she met and feels uncomfortable with you instead.

What does she experience instead? She experiences you as more needy and not having your own life anymore. She experiences you as making your life about her. She finds that level of focus from you as more suffocating than flattering. She has started to see you as more needy rather than strong. She wonders what happened to your own life. She questions what life did you actually have before you two met. It now seems to her like she is becoming the center of your life. There is an uncomfortableness and akwardness that she now feels. If it is not resolved it will eventually feel intolerable and she'll ask for space or end the relationship. She will likely feel conflicted while doing so, but relief once she has done so, as it will relieve the inexplicable tension/pressure she feels inside. She will likely still feel confused and forever wonder what happened to the massive attraction she felt. The very man she desired immensely paid incredible attention to her and went out of his way to please her, over and over. Rather than feeling massive appreciation and greater attraction something in her became repulsed and eventually to the point she had to distance herself from him. She most likely feels incredibly confused herself.

Women are attracted to men they look up to. Get this visual--If a man puts a woman on a pedestal, she can no longer look up to him, as he has placed himself below her. She has no choice, in that position, but to look down to find /see him. When a man pedestalizes a woman he takes away her capacity to look up to him and thus takes away her ability to be attracted to him.

In two and a half months you went from having your own life, to having a life that revolves around her. I understand the intense feelings of attraction, desire and maybe even connection. Those need to be managed differently in the future, if you want different results. A man who wants to maintain a woman's attraction must maintain his center and a life/focus that does not center around her.

TL;DR in bold above

 

[MrWood]

what she heard is exactly what she said...
"walk this journey [you are] alone. When you make yourself whole again [you are a broken flawed human], and want to try dating- call me."

she wanted to see if you have options with the 'other people' statement and likely sees YOU becoming too attached to HER too soon and that she actually WANTS to keep seeing YOU "But I still want to date you, and would like to continue doing so."

 

[CMNILS87]

you're talking too much to early on and if you were her best option even if you are looking "needy" she wouldn't be open to casually dating. she's reducing you to a plate and eventually an orbiter. When a high value woman like this does this, shes not respecting your time and is looking for something new/better. You really think she wants to continually date you for a long time, you're a place holder for now. Go NC and disappear for awhile. I know it'll hurt since you've got oneitis, but she doesn't deserve the satisfaction of you as an orbiter or your dyck as a secondary option. Lawyercunt

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

It's over. You just don't know it yet. I recommend you accept it sooner rather than later.

That is all.

 

[Misrah]

Thank you DJs for getting back to me. As each day passes i feel that reaching out to her would be the wrong choice.

I do have one final question though.

I obviously felt oneitis from this one, I will agree. However - please share with me the secret to dating someone special in the future. I thought that following the one day a week rule, was the anti-dumb way.

I never double texted, I never asked nor cared what she did. I simply spoke lightly with her, and asked her on dates.

Dates that in most cases would last the entire weekend, and we would spend much of that time together.

And it is at this point that I get confused. Do i forcibly stop dates, and keep them short even 2 months into an 'exclusive' relationship?

We did things that I wanted, i taught her many things. I was living my life, doing what I enjoyed - she was just there with me.

How do i stop this from happening again? Or in this case- was it always bound to happen?

How do I manage myself.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

please share with me the secret to dating someone special in the future.

It's actually pretty simple. Keep dating girls until you find one where BOTH of you feel each other is equally special.

There is no "one weird trick" to anything on Earth. It's all effort, small risks, and learning from all feedback. Keep going until you get what you want.

Grab your balls and make move.

(repeat until death)

 

[EyeBRollin]

You lost.

You're more afraid to loser her than vice versa. Read the DJ Bible.

Your best course of action when a woman starts losing interest is to walk away to spend some time apart and improve yourself. Scarcity increases value. You'll find out how much or how little she cares about you in your absence Dump her ass, meet some new women, and make her earn you back. And do not ever ask a woman to be exclusive. That is her responsibility.

And my goodness.... STOP talking to women on the phone for 2+ hours. You shouldn't be talking to a woman longer than 10 minutes for any given time. The phone is for setting dates. You can't stick your **** in a woman over the phone.

You're the one with the penis. Be a man and use it.

 

[sodbuster]

You gave it too easily. She asked to be exclusive after a MONTH and you rushed into that arrangement. You should have made her wait at least a couple months for that title. Jumped right into GF/BF, all in 2.5 MONTHS?. She should have had to work that long for exclusive. Live your dreams is spot on in her comments.

 

[Sho-No-Luv]

Yep, sounds like you were too easy for her. You asked for advice on what to do next time..

Well for starters first thing is learn from your mistakes. So, tell me the next time you meet a woman and she asks to be exclusive after one month, what will your response will be?
And if you don't know you will make the same mistake again.

The other thing to take note of is, the length of time she had been freshly out of her last relationship. I've learned to thread easy with females like this as they normally want to ride the carousel before settling back down.

Hmm, engaged for 3.5 years? Was that on his part or her part. Maybe he saw things in her that he didn't like and was asking to change some things, betcha she still has feelings for him though. Probably was still screwing him on the side too.

Hate to say this, but there are people out there that will hurt others after they been hurt, alot of times unfortunately people treat people the way they been treated.

She will try to string you along so be careful, avoid her and for god sakes spin plates, it helps lessen the sting when things like this occur. Oh yea and keep us posted!

 

[The Duke]

In every single relationship I've ever had no matter how long it lasted, the moment I quit being a challenge was the moment she started seeing me as less than her. a man must always remain a challenge.

Her wanting to still date and see others at the same time is just a "soft next" so she isn't the bad guy and also for her to still get her cake and eat it to while she is attempting to branch swing. Don't buy her bs.

How did all this happen?
You got emotional, she got emotional, a bunch of infatuation set in, you had sechs, drinking, good times. 99% of the population gets off on that. There wasn't much rational thinking going on.