Advice really needed, confusing

[cNfny]

hi everyone, quick run down.

i had a gf for 4 years about 4 years ago. we broke up because she was goin away to college and everyone told her she shouldnt stay with her first love.

we tried remainin friends but it hurt me too much, she then ended up dating someone who everyone thought resembled me in every way, they dated for 3 years and about 3 months ago departed.

we then started hanging out again, but now me more wiser and emotional stable as to not expect anything and let myself get hurt.

and let me add that she would always mention how we should date other people who are just like us and that makes nooo sense to me, its like why not just date each other then? why go lookin for whats in front of our faces? anyway..

we had been hanging out and i would flirt, touch her, as to make her think of us more than friends. everytime i touched her she'd say stop but almost in a "i feel i should say stop way but dont mind it" way. well the other day i was doin the same things again playful physical teasing and she once again tells me to stop, so i'm like look im not doin that because i like you more than a friend, get over yourself. and she says i hope thats not why and we get into this little convo about how she thinks im hopin somethin will eventually happen between us (which is true) but i played really ignorant and dumb responding with things such as "what? haha are you kidding? i touch everyone like that even my guy friends" and she proceeded to make sure i wasnt expecting anythin to happen and id reply with things like "if i expected anything, i'd be hurt when youd reject my touches but it doesnt phase me so i continue doin so, see? *poked her in the side" then she had a dissapointed look on her face after i said that and i couldnt figure out why, so i kept jokin about how she brought it up and laughin like haha cant believe you thought that.

now obviously because she started the convo with "i hope thats not why youre touchin me, that youre hopin we'll eventually be more than friends" why would i say yes i do like you, you are completely right. so i played dumb and objected as to not get heart broken again (for lack of better words)

sorry this is soo long but my question now is, did she really mean what she said? i mean why even bring it up? was i right for denying my true feelings or was this her way of gettin me to admit them so she could to?

 

[Last Man Standing]

Why are you doing this? let her be in peace by leaving her alone -- if she wants you she'll call you!!

Never supplicate to one that already rejected you - especially 3 years later!!!! She knows what you want - what all men want when they give women undeserved attention!!

 

[cNfny]

well the thing is, she's the one who wants me around, she always calls and always wants to do "couple" things with me and thats whats confusing me about all this. i always tell her i'm busy and make sure to only hang out when it's convenient for me too so i'm not giving her all the attention she wants.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Guess why she is calling you? Because she has no one and is lonely!! She knows that you will be too willing to fill her void!!

Girls want attention - don't be a fool and give it to them, especially when they are your ex!!!!

 

[cNfny]

so is there anything i do in this situation to get me the upper hand and make her want me back?

did i say the right things when she asked then?

 

[cNfny]

Anyone? Please

 

[joseph_went_south]

hi everyone, quick run down.

i had a gf for 4 years about 4 years ago. we broke up because she was goin away to college and everyone told her she shouldnt stay with her first love.

If her sexual attraction towards you was high enough she would not give a rat's behind what anyone "told her".

Also, dispense with the very male notion that you somehow need to set a black-and-white "we're a couple" or "we're not a couple". Take a listen to my shows on Long-Distance Relationships.

we tried remainin friends but it hurt me too much, she then ended up dating someone who everyone thought resembled me in every way, they dated for 3 years and about 3 months ago departed.

I understand that it "hurt you too much". I've been there, done that. However, if you're hurting more than she is, there's little hope for your relationship, sad to say.

we then started hanging out again, but now me more wiser and emotional stable as to not expect anything and let myself get hurt.

Excellent!

and let me add that she would always mention how we should date other people who are just like us and that makes nooo sense to me, its like why not just date each other then? why go lookin for whats in front of our faces? anyway..

She sounds very young and immature to say something like this, but in any case, it is a test for you. She wants to see if you are still going to react like the wounded little puppy you were before. IOW, she wants to know if she still owns your balls.

Joseph: Nahhh, I am ready to try something different. Like maybe a blonde! (if she's brunette).

we had been hanging out and i would flirt, touch her, as to make her think of us more than friends. everytime i touched her she'd say stop but almost in a "i feel i should say stop way but dont mind it" way. well the other day i was doin the same things again playful physical teasing and she once again tells me to stop, so i'm like look im not doin that because i like you more than a friend, get over yourself. and she says i hope thats not why and we get into this little convo about how she thinks im hopin somethin will eventually happen between us (which is true) but i played really ignorant and dumb responding with things such as "what? haha are you kidding? i touch everyone like that even my guy friends" and she proceeded to make sure i wasnt expecting anythin to happen and id reply with things like "if i expected anything, i'd be hurt when youd reject my touches but it doesnt phase me so i continue doin so, see? *poked her in the side" then she had a dissapointed look on her face after i said that and i couldnt figure out why, so i kept jokin about how she brought it up and laughin like haha cant believe you thought that.

You are very much on the right track here! What she is doing is testing to see if you will be a supplicating, hurt wussy demanding a "relationship" with her again. Instead, you're letting her know that you are enjoying her company and having fun.

She's disappointed on one level because she is realizing that she can't control you like she used to. But one thing I want you to understand and that is that it is a myth that it is women who are usually pressing to have a defined relationship. More often than not in our society, it is the man who wants to have the relationship defined. Only when and if she decides that she does not want to live without you will she care about the "status" of the relationship, and that is the only time you should even consider discussing it!

now obviously because she started the convo with "i hope thats not why youre touchin me, that youre hopin we'll eventually be more than friends" why would i say yes i do like you, you are completely right. so i played dumb and objected as to not get heart broken again (for lack of better words)

sorry this is soo long but my question now is, did she really mean what she said? i mean why even bring it up? was i right for denying my true feelings or was this her way of gettin me to admit them so she could to?

You are on the right track. If you want to reestablish the relationship, the most important thing to do is get her wanting to have sex with you. Hint: lengthy, weepy talks about "feelings" and "relationships" are not likely to achieve that. Let her know by your ACTIONS (not your words!) that you still find her sexually attractive, but that any talk of a relationship will have to come later, once she proves to you that she has changed and matured. DO NOT VERBALIZE ANY OF THIS! Just isolate her, escalate, and get her wanting you to do your manly business.

 

[cNfny]

wow joseph thanks a lot man, broke down everything i wrote with an explanation, exactly what i was hoping for. i'm glad you think i'm doin the right things, although they feel wrong and only with her! (such a crazy challenge) but i'm not implying i act wussy and submissive with other girls, just that more effort is needed with this one of bein a relaxed indifferent calm guy.

one thing i'm still in the haze about with her is, since when i do show with my physical actions and non verbal ways that i am attracted to her (ie touching, rubbing, random shoulder massages etc) she always always says to me "stop, dont touch me" but! dont take that as its written, it almost sounds like she's saying it because she feels she has to or wants to see how i react. when this happens i usually say something like "hey it's ok, we're dating" or "shhh someone might hear that you're tryin to sound disinterested and actually believe you" followed by a laugh or smile to show i'm havin fun then i will either touch again, laugh, or just change the subject with no signs of being irritated by her "barrier rejection" actions.

so knowing that, how could i eventually advance if she keeps sayin stop etc?

 

[joseph_went_south]

Hey bro... there may not be much you can do beyond what you're already doing. She may simply be uninterested now... best you can do is what I told you and keep being a busy man with lots of options.. but you seem to be handling it well and eventually she will either say "STOP!" in such a way that is unmistakable or she will quit it with the testing and rip your clothes off.

I understand VERY well about acting the way you're supposed to around MOST women and it being more difficult around the ones you really like. Totally understand that. But it gets easier with practice.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[cNfny]

just one more quick question.

should i continue making remarks about us dating? even if we're not for expample to old friends who see us together i'll be like "oh yea we're back together, she begged but i figured why not give her a second chance" then i'll put my arm around, or make other jokes implying we go out, or if she does somethin that i dont like i'll say "wow i cant believe i took you back" or "we have to break up, you havent changed" is this good to do with her?

 

[joseph_went_south]

It's a good question... my gut says "no, you should not". If you were the one seeking the relationship in the past, then she may likely see this as you trying to be funny but hoping for her validation. You can sprinkle it in, but I think based on your history you should just be a fun guy who always wants her slightly less than she wants you.

 

[cNfny]

just one more quick question.

should i continue making remarks about us dating? even if we're not for expample to old friends who see us together i'll be like "oh yea we're back together, she begged but i figured why not give her a second chance" then i'll put my arm around, or make other jokes implying we go out, or if she does somethin that i dont like i'll say "wow i cant believe i took you back" or "we have to break up, you havent changed" is this good to do with her?

 

[Interceptor]

My feeling is that you need to evaluate yourself again.
And see yourself in a new light, one that is in power and dominates.
I know you have feelings for her, but remember, when men have too strong feelings for a woman, and they let it showtoo much, they begin to exhibit their AFC tendencies. (I believe you're really pretty young, so you're just learning about how to interact with women in romantic relationships)
If you had an awesome life, were out doing fun things, and were engaged in really fulfilling activities, you would be looking on this from a view of power and dominance, and she would notice it too. Now, if you don't , you may slip into the "I NEED A WOMAN TO COMPLETE ME!" "iF ONLY I HAD A WOMAN, I COULD DO GREAT THINGS!" Which is not really the best way to go. Try to make you life the best it can be, according to your circumstances, dream big, have AMBITIONS, and do what you need to do to achieve the life you desire. A woman is complimentary to a Man's life. Men have to be leaders, not followers. We create, the women follow. They SUPPORT us in OUR creation and imaginations. They inspire us, and give us things that only a woman can (not the way your mother does). Build your life up. Show her what your life IS, and what you WANT it to BE. Do not "orbit" around the girl. Keep in contact. But don't revolve everythign around her, and how SHE makes YOU FEEL. Make yourself feel complete first, and happy first. Then give her enough attention to see if she wants to get back on or not. You must understand what you want FIRST. Then, and only then will you understand and have the correct PERSPECTIVE on yourself, her, and your realtionship.

You have to try to deeply understand why you want to be with her again.
And just what EXACTLY do you want from her and this relationship?
What are your expectations?

And read the Book of Pook.

 

[joseph_went_south]

My feeling is that you need to evaluate yourself again.
And see yourself in a new light, one that is in power and dominates.
I know you have feelings for her, but remember, when men have too strong feelings for a woman, and they let it showtoo much, they begin to exhibit their AFC tendencies. (I believe you're really pretty young, so you're just learning about how to interact with women in romantic relationships)
If you had an awesome life, were out doing fun things, and were engaged in really fulfilling activities, you would be looking on this from a view of power and dominance, and she would notice it too. Now, if you don't , you may slip into the "I NEED A WOMAN TO COMPLETE ME!" "iF ONLY I HAD A WOMAN, I COULD DO GREAT THINGS!" Which is not really the best way to go. Try to make you life the best it can be, according to your circumstances, dream big, have AMBITIONS, and do what you need to do to achieve the life you desire. A woman is complimentary to a Man's life. Men have to be leaders, not followers. We create, the women follow. They SUPPORT us in OUR creation and imaginations. They inspire us, and give us things that only a woman can (not the way your mother does). Build your life up. Show her what your life IS, and what you WANT it to BE. Do not "orbit" around the girl. Keep in contact. But don't revolve everythign around her, and how SHE makes YOU FEEL. Make yourself feel complete first, and happy first. Then give her enough attention to see if she wants to get back on or not. You must understand what you want FIRST. Then, and only then will you understand and have the correct PERSPECTIVE on yourself, her, and your realtionship.

You have to try to deeply understand why you want to be with her again.
And just what EXACTLY do you want from her and this relationship?
What are your expectations?

Great post man!

And read the Book of Pook.

What is the Book of Pook?

 

[penkitten]

my question is, why after you broke up four years ago, does she want to be hang out buddies with you now, if she isn't hoping to reconnect with you?

bumping into and ex and hanging out on purpose are two different things.
and she knows this.
and yet she chooses to hang out with you, knowing that at any time, you could flirt with her.

she likes it and she likes the attention you give her. it makes her feel good or she wouldn't be hanging out with you.

so relish in the moment and turn this whole thing around.
instead of poking her and letting her think that you are aiming for her attention, poke at other women and have her be jealous for your attention.
make her want to poke at you for the attention.

 

[cNfny]

so relish in the moment and turn this whole thing around.
instead of poking her and letting her think that you are aiming for her attention, poke at other women and have her be jealous for your attention.
make her want to poke at you for the attention.

i do exactly that to throw her off. i'll give her attention then stop and tell her a story about a girl i met or how i approached her etc (i bring it up by saying something like "oh man this reminds me of a funny thing that happened when i met/talked to whoever). i'll even flirt with stranger girls in front of her and sometimes ask her if she thinks so and so is single and to get me their numbers etc.

i'll even mention at the most peak times of us having fun that its weird one day i'll be doin this with someone else and she'll question it and i'll be like oh come on, you know once i get a gf we wont really hang out anymore, why would we? stuff like that

 

[Jovan]

Joseph click on the link to the dj bible and you will see the book of pook

The Book of Pook by Gubby: PDF

 

[cNfny]

that link didnt work

 

[Jovan]

Uhm are you retarded... at the bottom of the page don't you see The DJ Bible

 

[TheOnE111]

"i had a gf for 4 years about 4 years ago" come the **** on now..........

Bro its done move on, there are more fish out there. Go and improve yourself.
Work on yourself and be happy.