Advice please: Lost my GF to her emotional sponge...

[Upper]

A few months ago, I started going after this girl. The attraction phase went relatively smoothly, thanks to all the principles I've learnt from this board and practice.

Unfortunately, we broke off shortly after we became a couple. This outcome perplexed me, because although we weren't a model couple in perfect bliss, she definitely did like me. I won't go into minute details, but she made investments and sacrifices in our relationship.

Well, we did breakup and she got with someone new shortly after, which didn't surprise me because that could be the only reason. However, I stuck to the teachings of this board, and chose to move on, live life better etc.

Recently, I met her new BF for the first time, and was quite appalled. He has no 'game' and no looks (objective opinions). The only quality, is that he does seem to be a nice person.

This got me curious about how exactly I lost my GF. I really thought she found someone much better, because we were too close in our relationship for her to leave over petty reasons.

So I asked around, and with some effort got part of the story from a reliable source. Basically, this guy has always been around her, listening to her troubles and offering 'advice' even when I was just pursuing her. He has also declared his feelings for her, but said he'll 'stay out' and avoid a triangle relationship.

However, I was out of town for almost a month, and in that period they spent some time and had fun together. To add to that, from my chatlogs of that period, I realized I overdid my push-pull by a large degree, which is a horrible idea when I'm not physically present with her.

While I have a few other options going on right now, I do plan to win her back. It might be dangerously close to one-itis, but I'm not player and I treasured our relationship. I don't see why I should let her slip to some manipulative emotional sponge that exploited her/our vulnerabilities.

Furthermore, I managed to speak to her, and I could tell there's still interest in us. She didn't express that, due to the general awkwardness and her stubborness. I know we will get back if I can just get her to spend time together. However, with her current status, and her BF's knowledge of our past, there is a serious hurdle towards getting her out.

I have extended a single invitation, and basically got no commitment, nor rejection.

So the crux of my post is this, what are some principles or strategies I should be applying to a situation like this? How can I clear her emotional hurdle towards meeting her ex 1-on-1, or how should I approach when making the invitations? Thanks

 

[WhitePimp]

The best way to get her back is to forget about her and find different girls. Seems counterproductive I know, but the more you try to "get her back", the more you'll look like a desperate loser and make her not regret her decision at all. By attempting to reconnect, you'll validate her decision to leave you and make her new boyfriend look like the better decision. If you hook up with other girls, it's only a matter of time before she realizes she dumped a ladies man for a sponge and wants you back. Forget about hanging out 1 on 1, it's pointless and will accomplish nothing except to inflame your oneitis.

 

[SandHawk]

This sounds a lot like what Neill Strauss described as "obsession". Just deal with it and move on.

 

[slaog]

It sounds like you have become really confident of winning her back since you met her boyfriend. In your eyes he doesn't match up to you but he can't be as bad as you say.


Theres something about him that she finds attractive and no offense but you're a recovering AFC. You said you tried a few moves, got her interested and she left you soon after. I reckon when she saw your AFC side it turned her off. Thats something you can work on.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

A few months ago, I started going after this girl. The attraction phase went relatively smoothly, thanks to all the principles I've learnt from this board and practice.

Unfortunately, we broke off shortly after we became a couple.

It sounds like it was barely even a relationship. You broke up shortly after you became official. Happens everyday, man. Move on with your life. She's doing fine.

This got me curious about how exactly I lost my GF. I really thought she found someone much better, because we were too close in our relationship for her to leave over petty reasons.

How did you lose her? She chose to not date you anymore.

While I have a few other options going on right now, I do plan to win her back. It might be dangerously close to one-itis, but I'm not player and I treasured our relationship.

Yeah. Good for you. People break up from longer, more meaningful relationships than yours every f**king day. Stop acting as if your heartbreak is rare and special. Move on with your life.

I don't see why I should let her slip to some manipulative emotional sponge that exploited her/our vulnerabilities.

You should let her do this because this is the path she chooses. She doesn't HAVE to be with you. And as weird and obsessive as you are, I think I like this new guy better already.

So the crux of my post is this, what are some principles or strategies I should be applying to a situation like this? How can I clear her emotional hurdle towards meeting her ex 1-on-1, or how should I approach when making the invitations? Thanks

The principles and strategies you should be applying? First step: Do the exact opposite of what you're doing now. Forget about her, and move on. You're coming off like an obsessive freak.

 

[DondottaJuanpappa]

Bro when ever you get in a official relationship you always have to be committed emotionally other wise its no point. SOMETIMES in a official relationship you have to show some kind of emotional support otherwise the chicks gonna go else where. That is, IF YOU'RE IN A OFFICIAL COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP AND YOU'RE AN ITEM COUPLE. But yeah bro, I dont know what came up in order for her to need emotional support but nonetheless you need to do like the rest say and do the opposite.

Pimpin.

 

[tinctrar]

Very similar to what im going through right now. Althought she hasnt confirmed that she is gonna be with him there is a good chance.

Honestly, I dont think we have much of a choice except to move on. Realistically speaking we were AFC for a bit. I admit it. Not saying thats where it all went down hill but even after coming back from AFCdom it still didnt really help - yet.

But even if it does work - do you want a woman who chose someone else like that? This guy is not leaving the picture - especialy if they were friends before unless her IL in you is at a 12. I learned that. And even then that orbiter will probably stick around anyway.

Good news is this - he is still just an orbiter. So take comfort in knowing that. Use this as an advantage in honing your DJ skills - with another woman.

Good luck brother.

 

[Lexington]

I know you still have feelings for her man, but THE B*TCH DUMPED YOU!!!

If she dumped you for this "emotional sponge," what makes you think she won't kick you to the curb the next time some other guy comes around? She might be worth a fvck or two at some point down the road, but the fact that she left you once goes to show that she isn't LTR material.

I don't think this is dangerously close to oneitis. This *is* oneitis. When you suffer from oneitis everyone can see it but yourself out. SHAKE OUT OF IT!!!

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE. Rather than justifying her actions, you should be ANGRY!!!

Forget her. Take your mind completely off her. Dedicate yourself to your hobbies and pursue other chicks. End all contact with her and ignore her. Do it with the intention of cutting her out of your life.

Then if she comes crawling back to you at some point down the line, fvck her and chuck her. This girl isn't worth it!

 

[schttrj]

dude, you know what....it all boils down to LOVE! There was chemistry between them, and perhaps, while you were over-analyzing things one at a time, that guy was being real and honest with the girl. that's so sexy! he didn't have any tricks or routines to play but he had the courage to stand there and wait for the girl, he had ****ing confidence that he is going to get the girl in the end. that comes from true love.

tell you what, leave this forum. start to love and live your life, start to love and live others...

 

[kingsam]

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FIND A NEW WOMAN !!!!!!!!
dont bother going back....

 

[Master of the Universe]

First of all, take a DEEP breath, and relax. Let's see what's going on...

A few months ago, I started going after this girl. The attraction phase went relatively smoothly, thanks to all the principles I've learnt from this board and practice.

Unfortunately, we broke off shortly after we became a couple. This outcome perplexed me, because although we weren't a model couple in perfect bliss, she definitely did like me. I won't go into minute details, but she made investments and sacrifices in our relationship.

If this outcome perplexed you, then she broke up with you - the two of you did not break up. In other words, she dumped you. It happens every day.

Lie to others if you must, but NEVER lie to yourself. Always see things for what they are, don't sugarcoat it, no matter how much it hurts. Simply part of being a man.

Focus on yourself to find out what went wrong, what mistakes were made, and learn from them for the next girl.

Well, we did breakup and she got with someone new shortly after, which didn't surprise me because that could be the only reason. However, I stuck to the teachings of this board, and chose to move on, live life better etc.

No, she did not break up with you because of another guy. She broke up because there was something that she was not getting from you. Only you really know what that was, figure it out and learn from it for the NEXT girl.

Recently, I met her new BF for the first time, and was quite appalled. He has no 'game' and no looks (objective opinions). The only quality, is that he does seem to be a nice person.

Good for her. Wish her well (in your mind if not verbally), and move on. A secure man does not wish ill for the women who are no longer a part of his life. Wish her the best, just like you wish the best for yourself.

This got me curious about how exactly I lost my GF. I really thought she found someone much better, because we were too close in our relationship for her to leave over petty reasons.

Perhaps in your mind you were close, but the facts on the ground speak a different story. Again, NEVER lie to yourself.

So I asked around, and with some effort got part of the story from a reliable source. Basically, this guy has always been around her, listening to her troubles and offering 'advice' even when I was just pursuing her. He has also declared his feelings for her, but said he'll 'stay out' and avoid a triangle relationship.

Contrary to what is often taught on these boards, the AFC often does get the girl. However, the price is too high - his self respect. Think about things from this guys perspective. How many years did he suffer in anguish over a woman who he thought the world of, who gave her herself to jerk after jerk (guess what, from his perspective, YOU were the jerk) while he cried himself to sleep hoping for his chance.

I give him credit for telling her how he feels and then choosing to stay out of the triangle. But honestly, my self-respect would prevent me from being this guy, even if in the end I got the girl. The opportunity cost is simply too high, but perhaps he would disagree with me.

However, I was out of town for almost a month, and in that period they spent some time and had fun together. To add to that, from my chatlogs of that period, I realized I overdid my push-pull by a large degree, which is a horrible idea when I'm not physically present with her.

Look here my friend, eventually you will learn that the games you play to win a girl in the attraction phase need to be dropped, otherwise they will sabotage the prospects of a relationship.

A relationship that survives the test of time is not based on keeping the other person insecure, but in having the other person feel more secure than they have ever felt.

When you are in a relationship, in essence you are giving the other person the power to hurt you more than you can imagine. But it also means that you give the other person the power to make you feel more joy than you have ever felt.

It's a double-edged sword. Be wise and pick the person carefully. Is she someone you can trust with your heart? If not, get the hell out of there!

The problem here is that men tend to not understand what women are truly asking for.

As an example, women say they want a sensitive man. A man then becomes what he thinks sensitive it, which is a crying, emotional mess. A woman rightly then dumps the man. In this particular case, when women say they want a sensitive man, what they are saying is that they want the true meaning of sensitive - a man who is aware. A man who is aware of what his external and internal senses are telling him.

It has nothing to do with being an emotional basketcase, that's as far from being aware as can be. Instead, a man like that is only focused on his internal feelings and thoughts to the total exclusion of what is happening in the world around him.

Now, a woman needs to feel secure in the relationship if that relationship is to grow and become strong. Only a screwed up chick will stay in a relationship where she has to walk on egg shells.

But once again, men make the mistake of thinking that a secure relationship is one where the woman always gets her way. That is NOT the type of relationship that I am talking about.

A secure relationship is based on trust. She knows that there will be fights, arguments, and disagreements, but that the two of you will work them out and find a fair compromise. It also means that there are certain boundaries which cannot be crossed, under any circumstance.

Developing this type of relationship takes time. You first have to be confident and strong enough to leave the safe-haven that the rules that are taught here provide you. Be aware, most women will test you at this phase. Don't take it personally - it's simply how the powers that be have created them.

They are simply testing you so that they can see what these new boundaries are, the same way that children test their parents to see what their own boundaries are.

Believe it or not, having rules and boundaries, knowing what you will accept and what will be off limits at all price will make the woman feel more secure, and be able to open herself more to you.

Just make sure that the rules and boundaries you set are ones that you are fair and reasonable. This isn't a power-play, this is about ensuring that both of you are happy and that no irreparable damage is done to the relationship.


While I have a few other options going on right now, I do plan to win her back. It might be dangerously close to one-itis, but I'm not player and I treasured our relationship. I don't see why I should let her slip to some manipulative emotional sponge that exploited her/our vulnerabilities.

Furthermore, I managed to speak to her, and I could tell there's still interest in us. She didn't express that, due to the general awkwardness and her stubborness. I know we will get back if I can just get her to spend time together. However, with her current status, and her BF's knowledge of our past, there is a serious hurdle towards getting her out.

I have extended a single invitation, and basically got no commitment, nor rejection.

So the crux of my post is this, what are some principles or strategies I should be applying to a situation like this? How can I clear her emotional hurdle towards meeting her ex 1-on-1, or how should I approach when making the invitations? Thanks

Move on buddy, it's over. You don't even love this girl, this is strictly because your ego has been wounded. Why exactly do you want to get her back, because she is the love of your life and you made a stupid mistake that you've learned from and now you want her for the rest of your life? Get real.

She is not, nor was she ever, that woman. You had some things to learn, she had some things to learn, now it's time to move on and learn from your experiences.

I hope that my post did not come across is being harsh or mean. But I've been where you are, and many others here have also walked in your shoes. Even though your ego may not want to move on, I know that a deeper part of you knows that this is the correct course of action.

Master of the Universe

 

[Impact]

Good to see you here, MotU!!!

 

[zekko]

After an accident at sea, Don Juan finds himself washed up on a beach, where he is discovered by a young woman

I couldn't help but notice your sig, Master of the Universe. What I find interesting is this: If some noob came to this forum and posted this conversation (with himself as Don Juan) I bet most posters would declare him hopelessly AFC.

 

[Allurre]

The best way to get her back is to forget about her and find different girls. Seems counterproductive I know, but the more you try to "get her back", the more you'll look like a desperate loser and make her not regret her decision at all. By attempting to reconnect, you'll validate her decision to leave you and make her new boyfriend look like the better decision. If you hook up with other girls, it's only a matter of time before she realizes she dumped a ladies man for a sponge and wants you back. Forget about hanging out 1 on 1, it's pointless and will accomplish nothing except to inflame your oneitis.

The guy said it best.

 

[jonwon]

A few months ago, I started going after this girl. The attraction phase went relatively smoothly, thanks to all the principles I've learnt from this board and practice.

Unfortunately, we broke off shortly after we became a couple. This outcome perplexed me, because although we weren't a model couple in perfect bliss, she definitely did like me. I won't go into minute details, but she made investments and sacrifices in our relationship.

Well, we did breakup and she got with someone new shortly after, which didn't surprise me because that could be the only reason. However, I stuck to the teachings of this board, and chose to move on, live life better etc.

Recently, I met her new BF for the first time, and was quite appalled. He has no 'game' and no looks (objective opinions). The only quality, is that he does seem to be a nice person.

This got me curious about how exactly I lost my GF. I really thought she found someone much better, because we were too close in our relationship for her to leave over petty reasons.

So I asked around, and with some effort got part of the story from a reliable source. Basically, this guy has always been around her, listening to her troubles and offering 'advice' even when I was just pursuing her. He has also declared his feelings for her, but said he'll 'stay out' and avoid a triangle relationship.

However, I was out of town for almost a month, and in that period they spent some time and had fun together. To add to that, from my chatlogs of that period, I realized I overdid my push-pull by a large degree, which is a horrible idea when I'm not physically present with her.

While I have a few other options going on right now, I do plan to win her back. It might be dangerously close to one-itis, but I'm not player and I treasured our relationship. I don't see why I should let her slip to some manipulative emotional sponge that exploited her/our vulnerabilities.

Furthermore, I managed to speak to her, and I could tell there's still interest in us. She didn't express that, due to the general awkwardness and her stubborness. I know we will get back if I can just get her to spend time together. However, with her current status, and her BF's knowledge of our past, there is a serious hurdle towards getting her out.

I have extended a single invitation, and basically got no commitment, nor rejection.

So the crux of my post is this, what are some principles or strategies I should be applying to a situation like this? How can I clear her emotional hurdle towards meeting her ex 1-on-1, or how should I approach when making the invitations? Thanks

If you had true game, when you realized she'd been seeing this other guy for the duration you'd been seeing her, your logic would dictate that this girl isn't worth the effort, but;

This is just your ego talking.

try to transcend it.

What you want to do, sounds pritty retarded and you know it.

Move on - try to find a girl where you feel you dont have to slot into a set critera to keep her interested, like every slip up or infraction resulted on her dumping you.

Unless you acted like a royal jac* ass doormat - there is little reason other than the fact; she probably had low interest from the start.

This is the danger of PUA techniques, you guys take it way too far - Women are not car's or PC's that require you to do x to get y.

The advice your thinking far too deeply about is, simply nothing more than tips and tricks for you build inner confidence - you clearly have a long way to go.

EDIT - WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DATING WOMEN WITH SUITORS ON THE SIDELINES ANYWAY???!!! in capitals for effect - this applies to tinctar too.

 

[Dante420]

She betrayed you, she means nothing now

 

[Master of the Universe]

Hi Impact!

Yeah, it's been a while... been in a couple of LTRs over the last 5 years, so have been out of this game. Almost got married actually

But I'm single now, and ready to have some major adventures again... glad to see there's still some old timers around!

zekko,

There is actually a fine line between AFC and DJ. The line is so thin that it may even appear to not exist at all, at least from far away. But to cross from one threshold to the next, the journey is hard, long, and life changing. That process is what is taught here.

But once you fully cross over, you realize that this is a journey of return. You go back to what you were before discovering everything on this site, except this time around you are a different person, though you are the same exact person.

It's almost a paradox, but the journey itself reconciles this paradox.

In our example, the Don Juan that you quoted sounds so mushy and romantic that he sounds like an AFC. Who knows, perhaps he started life as an AFC. But he undertook the journey, and is now a full-fledged DJ.

The same things that once pushed girls away from him now attract them to him, because he is saying these things from a place of power, not fear.

If what I am saying sounds confusing, then just ignore it. Focus on becoming a DJ, give your attention and effort to it no matter what successes or failures you encounter, and eventually what I am saying will make perfect sense, because you yourself will have come full circle.

MotU

 

[horaholic]

dude, you know what....it all boils down to LOVE! There was chemistry between them, and perhaps, while you were over-analyzing things one at a time, that guy was being real and honest with the girl. that's so sexy! he didn't have any tricks or routines to play but he had the courage to stand there and wait for the girl, he had ****ing confidence that he is going to get the girl in the end. that comes from true love.

tell you what, leave this forum. start to love and live your life, start to love and live others...

WHAT????

First off, 'that' guy hardly EVER gets the girl. Obviously it happens once in a while, but that guy had oneitus over this chick for a long time. He didnt have courage or confidence. If he had courage, he would have went after other tail and forgot about her. My money says they dont last long. I'll bet she gets sick of dating a nice guy. Of course, there ARE chicks out there that like nice guy kiss asses, but they are rare.

 

[trv26]

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DATING WOMEN WITH SUITORS ON THE SIDELINES ANYWAY???!!! in capitals for effect - this applies to tinctar too.

Because every beautiful woman will have a ton of suitors on the sideline.

 

[BananaSmile]

is it the girl or the guy?
cos it looks like you just wanna prove that your better than him