Advice on this situation

[thezenmachine]

I posted this on the main discussion forum, but thought I might get some better answers here...

Ok, I'm going to try to make this as short but descriptive as possible. I don't read or post here much, but I have an issue to deal with.

I'm a gym owner and I've been seeing one of my clients. She is 8-9, 28 years old and has been divorced for a year. She has no kids and a good job.

Anyway, she and I started flirting, facebooking and stuff and eventually she asked me to see her about 3 weeks ago. She also let me know she was 'sort of seeing' a guy from Australia who she met on vacation in Thailand. No big deal, right?

Well, we kept seeing each other, flirting, taking things slow. She said she had feelings for me and we had a great weekend last weekend. We had oral sex, which she initiated and a great time. The next day we went to the beach and to dinner. She said she was amazed at the chemistry we had and how comfortable she is around me, ect. The next day she texted me that she was feeling guilty about the whole thing b/c of the guy in Australia. On the beach she told me she tried to break up with him but he wanted to work it out.

Throughout last week all was fine, but she'd be hot and cold with it all. So on Thursday I told her I didn't want to continue seeing her until she got it all sorted out. After that she could see me and see if we still wanted to go forward with it. She called me a few minutes after we left(I told her in person) and said that she had wanted to take it slow the whole time and I was just doing what she wanted the whole time, I basically restated what I told her in person. A friend invited us both out to eat and I told her it was better if I didn't go for now.

The next day she texted me saying that she thought about what I said and respected me for my honesty and as a person. She also said that she hoped we could be 'normal' (her words) and that I was an incredible guy.

Since then I only talked to her at the gym, only in a professional manner, though she was very talkative. I have not texted or facebooked or anything we usually do. Some of my friends say that if I give her space she will come back others say she was just playing games. I've got other girls I can go out with, but I really liked being with her. I don't know if it is worth thinking about at all.

Just want some opinions on the situation and what I've done so far and what, if anything, I should do to keep her interest in coming back.

Sorry for the long post...

 

[thezenmachine]

Thanks man. That's what I've been doing, though its only been a few days. My friends have said not to talk to her and she'll come running back. I've likened it to a staring contest, I can't break first.

 

[vitor]

Keep doing what your doing, maybe let her see you with another woman. I mean its strange she is dating a girl from australia and you live in the states I assume. What future can she have long distance with him??

 

[thezenmachine]

Yeah, we both live in Florida. She calls it 'sort of seeing' the guy, and has said several times she didn't know the potential there. She said she is considering moving there, but with the paperwork that must be done(long story) it will be impossible for at least a year. I'm guessing it will be inevitable that it doesn't work out for her. I've talked about it and sometimes she has said she didn't think it would work and was possibly an emotional connection with no baggage that works for after her divorce and other times she is optimistic about out. That was what I met by being hot and cold with me due to that. It is a mess which is why I did what I did. It makes no sense to me or anyone else we know mutually. When we are together our mutual friends say how happy and into each other we look(ed). They were surprised when I did what I did. I never would have went for a girl with a guy, but the way she described this and just considering what it was, I didn't even think too much of it until she started bringing it up.

So far I haven't heard from her, though its only been a couple of days. I don't know how long these things take, if she decides to come back at all. I try not to think about it, but it's one of those things I can't get off my mind. This is by far the wierdest situation I've ever been into.

 

[Tazman]

Sounds like you're being strung along. The oral sex thing makes me think she believes she isn't really cheating if she only does oral, I know women who think like this. I'm also betting that the Australian guy knows nothing about you. If you get sex from her I'd keep her around as a fb (if that's all you'd want). If you want anything serious I'd simply let her go. She's already established that you aren't a priority and that you'll give her what she wants even after she tells you she's with another guy and she's "trying" to make it work with him, while keeping you around at arms length as backup. I see you're now putting a stop to this, which is a step in the right direction.

Above all, you should do this while not giving her the impression that you're in anyway "upset" about any of this. You should still be the confident "happy" guy with "options" when you see her. You can say hi in passing and even talk with her if she initiates, but cut it short and keep things "platonic" (unless she makes you an offer to your liking).

 

[thezenmachine]

I could have had sex with her, but I told her not yet. She said she told the australian guy about me, but I have no way of knowing for sure. The only reason I did anything with her while she had this guy around is because she made it seem like it wasn't a big deal and made a lot of advances toward me, both in flirting and physically. I hope I wasn't just being strung along and that this is just something she needs to sort out, people I've talked to have said both ways. I'm trying to not worry too much about it. This thread is actually a bit therapueatic. Thanks, guys.

 

[thezenmachine]

Thanks man, I know you're right. It's getting better with each day. I'm standing my ground, not talking to her, not paying attention to her.

 

[decades]

she met you "more than half way". she was the "aggressor".
she initiated the sex...
she told you that you guys had "great chemistry" before you guys really even knew each other.
and you were triangulated from the get go.
and "This is by far the wierdest situation I've ever been into"

I hate to say this but she is one of "them".

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Uh-oh...do I hear the HPD/BPD floodgate creaking?

 

[thezenmachine]

My God! I just read the "cluster B" thread. Some of that stuff sounds spot on. She could never make a decision, it was extremely INTENSE when we would get together. I thought if she would just fix the other guy situation it would all be good. Now I'm starting to wonder. Probably not a severe case, but enough that looking at it the red flags are coming up. I'd like to read up on spotting these types...

 

[jophil28]

My God! I just read the "cluster B" thread.

That thread serves as a wake up call to guys who are in your situation and that is its value.
MY guess is that she is perhaps HPD traited. All the signs and signals were there.
Women who have some BPD/HPD pers. disorder traits enjoy creating up a manufactured rivalry between two OR MORE guys. That is their 'moment of power' so to speak. In fact it is a big part their SOP.
IF you sign up for this game she is in control and she gets to feel so desireable by having two guys fight over here.
Deep down she is also enjoying hurting both of you because she has "daddy issues" ..

Read up on this type of personality disorder before you say one more syllable to this woman.
Frankly I think that you dodged several bullets , half of which had your name on them.

( OH, BTW a guy from "down under" would never date a woman who is dating an American.. The rules are written into our military defense alliance with you guys ...he he )

 

[Nutz]

As DonS said, you need to nail her asap if you want anything further with her. When chicks are juggling guys like that usually the first one to bang them is the one that wins them. Still, be wary.

 

[thezenmachine]

That thread serves as a wake up call to guys who are in your situation and that is its value.
MY guess is that she is perhaps HPD traited. All the signs and signals were there.
Women who have some BPD/HPD pers. disorder traits enjoy creating up a manufactured rivalry between two OR MORE guys. That is their 'moment of power' so to speak. In fact it is a big part their SOP.
IF you sign up for this game she is in control and she gets to feel so desireable by having two guys fight over here.
Deep down she is also enjoying hurting both of you because she has "daddy issues" ..

Read up on this type of personality disorder before you say one more syllable to this woman.
Frankly I think that you dodged several bullets , half of which had your name on them.

( OH, BTW a guy from "down under" would never date a woman who is dating an American.. The rules are written into our military defense alliance with you guys ...he he )

Thanks for the input. What bullets do you think I dodged?

I don't know much of anything about the other guy, I just ignored it, except for occasionally when she would bring it up.

This is interesting stuff. I looked up a few things on HPD. That was the one I was thinking as well.

 

[slickaz]

and stop "talking to everyone" about her.
coz seriously, word may get around and she may get to know that you're still stuck on it.
and the more you "talk" to people about it, the more its gonna be in you're head.
so put it all out.

just let it go, find a couple of other young hott chix to talk to,
and run your life.
she dont mean NOTHING to you but a head with a hole to put ur johnson in it.

 

[squirrels]

He's not your business. When you decided you were going to "back off", you made the decision for her.

You want her, you go get her. That Ozzie toolbox is her problem, not yours.

If you had managed to actually bang her, she probably would've dropped him and gotten with you. To most girls, anything short of penetration is just "play".

If she's gonna be a clown, though, don't sweat it. Plenty of other women.

 

[thezenmachine]

New update to this. Last night she facebooked me and we talked a little bit. It was sort of business as usual, but I didn't compliment her or anything the way I used to. I just played it cool. She tried to flirt a lot and referenced the stuff we did. She talked about getting together to do stuff, but I paid it no real mind.

She came into the gym today, but I didn't really acknowledge her anymore than I had to. I caught her looking at me and she was a little flirtatious during coaching, but I blew it off and didn't reciprocate. Overall, I held up well, I think. We'll see what happens.

 

[piranha45]

Internet chatting, phone texting, phone talk... conversing through impersonal sources like those is completely unproductive and just creates more drama that works against you. Don't use electronic methods for anything more than communicating a place to meet IRL; you make all your advances in person.

 

[mikeraw]

Man, the age vusibility thing should really be enforced a little more. I assume you're over 28 but some comments lead me to believe you're in your early 20's. Nothing personal dude, I'm just saying that full disclosure helps to frame advice and put things in perspective.