Advice on getting an attached woman

[GADavid]

I am in love with a girl who is not mine. She lives with her "boyfriend" whom she knows is cheating on her and treats her badly. I have been hooking up with her and basically been her boyfriend on the side for about a year (I am not exclusively seeing her bc I'm no fool), but recently I want her to be mine. I hate that she goes to sleep next to someone else at night; it kills me knowning she isn't in MY bed. How do I get her to leave her securtiy and comfort zone for a relationship with me?

I feel if I say anything, I'll come off as jealous or needy. However, I am ready to make this woman mine. Why won't a girl leave a relationship she knows is bad?!? Especially when there is a great guy (me) in the picture? I am tired of fooling around and want something more out of this, but sense her hesitation to uproot her entire life.

I have alluded to her needing to make some decisions and we have both said we wish we could date one another, yet nothing changes. Confident persistence is wearing on me and I want something, anything, to happen. This woman is amazing except for her lack of willingness to leave bad (what she is used to) for good (the unknown). Any advice on this?

-Frustrated

 

[Purefilth]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=197705

click this link^^^^^
scroll down to how to steal a girl from a guy
bradd80 explains very well here
but I fear youre putting her up on a pedastal.
Best advice I can think of instead of this painful route, that youre already set to fail on, is

FRIEND-ZONE, NEXT!!!!

IM NOT GONNA GO IN DEEP AND EXPLAIN IT THOROUGHLY, MAINLY because i'm tired and theres so many posts here that have it covered.
FRIEND-ZONE, NEXT!!!!
FRIEND-ZONE, NEXT!!!!
FRIEND-ZONE, NEXT!!!!

Judge her by her actions, not her words, she wont leave, and youll sit there as an AFC wondering why.
I'm wondering why she's so special?
Shes not the last woman on earth, thats for damn sure!

 

[sighsigh]

Well, there is obviously a deeper problem going on here. The fundamental question: why hasn't she left her boyfriend if you're so 'great?'

I can think of two answers:

A) The value she perceives in you relative to him isn't as high as you think it is (i.e. she doesn't want to leave him for you as much as you think she does).

B) She's got some other issue that prevents her from leaving this man despite the fact that she wants to leave him. It could be some weird emotional thing (fear of change, or something).

If it's A), then you need to PUA it up some more. Asking your "why won't you leave him?" question would look desperate in this context.

If it's B), then I'd figure out what this issue is. Asking your "why won't you leave him?" question would be appropriate in this context.

 

[GADavid]

purefilth, she is indeed not the last woman on earth, but there is no harm in admitting to finding one that is impressive. I've gone on many dates with other women and none of them have measured up to her. It's crushing to want to friendzone her only to find no one else has come close to interesting me as much as she does. wise words, but easier said than done when the woman really is amazing in most respects.

sighsigh, It is both A and B.
A) I work every day to better myself. I was in a bad spot after ending a really long term relationship and admittedly, I have some work left to do to get my life on track. I'm hitting the gym daily, working on my social skills which were rusty and trying like hell to make more money. Its a work in progress but i can say for damn sure, I am better looking and a lot nicer to her than he is.
B) Yes, she has some emmotional issues. She was a shy girl for a long time, then got cheated on several times...she's just kind of accepted it as something that all men do. I guess she is jaded in the dating world and not expecting perfection at this point. Not trying to put her on a pedastal, any woman deserves better than that, and she doesn't seem to think that anymore. Low self-esteme?
Also, moving out would be a huge financial burden on her at this point. But I find it hard to believe that she would put up with a self-admitted bad relationship over money concerns.

 

[Korrupt]

I am in love with a girl who is not mine. She lives with her "boyfriend" whom she knows is cheating on her and treats her badly. I have been hooking up with her and basically been her boyfriend on the side for about a year (I am not exclusively seeing her bc I'm no fool), but recently I want her to be mine. I hate that she goes to sleep next to someone else at night; it kills me knowning she isn't in MY bed. How do I get her to leave her securtiy and comfort zone for a relationship with me?

I feel if I say anything, I'll come off as jealous or needy. However, I am ready to make this woman mine. Why won't a girl leave a relationship she knows is bad?!? Especially when there is a great guy (me) in the picture? I am tired of fooling around and want something more out of this, but sense her hesitation to uproot her entire life.

I have alluded to her needing to make some decisions and we have both said we wish we could date one another, yet nothing changes. Confident persistence is wearing on me and I want something, anything, to happen. This woman is amazing except for her lack of willingness to leave bad (what she is used to) for good (the unknown). Any advice on this?

-Frustrated

Well this won't end well..

 

[Igetit!]

I am in love with a girl who is not mine. She lives with her "boyfriend" whom she knows is cheating on her and treats her badly. I have been hooking up with her and basically been her boyfriend on the side for about a year (I am not exclusively seeing her bc I'm no fool),

I disagree with you here bro. The part where you said,"I'm no fool".

If you're trying to get in a one on one,monogamus/exclusive relationship with a known,PROVEN CHEATER....you're a fool. No,I take that back....


You're DAMN fool. It's like they say..."If they'll do it with you,they'll do it TO you. You said her boyfriend cheats on her and treats her badly. Uhh...yeah,so? She's cheating on him too. Why didn't you bring that up? I don't consider that to be "wonderful" treatment.

I hate that she goes to sleep next to someone else at night;

So you HATE that she sleeps in bed with HER BOYFRIEND. Ok...

How do I get her to leave her securtiy and comfort zone for a relationship with me?

Well,this is probably not going to happen. If this "side relationship" you two got going on has been happening for a year,I don't see it just suddenly blossoming into a relationship simply cause you want it to.

Why won't a girl leave a relationship she knows is bad?!? Especially when there is a great guy (me) in the picture?

LOl...you answered your own question dude. Ok,look.....


Women have different emotional needs. Now I assume you and this chick's boyfriend treat her very differently. You probably treat her right and respect her,but her boyfriend treats her like sh1t. She's coming to you cause you meet needs her boyfriend doesn't,BUT....her boyfriend fulfills emotional needs that YOU DON'T meet.

Boy bads are exciting,so her boyfriend probably fulfills her need for excitement,but he's an azzhole. When his azzholeness becomes too much,she comes to you cause you meet her need for sensitivity. When her need for sensitivity gets filled and she becomes BORED,then it's back to the azzhole boyfriend for excitement.



Back and forth,back and forth. She's getting different needs met from different sources. She's NOT going to leave him...not for YOU. And if you bounce out,she'll just find another dude to take your place.

I have alluded to her needing to make some decisions and we have both said we wish we could date one another, yet nothing changes.

You mean nothing changes on HER end. If she'd give you the green light to be her boyfriend,you'd jump at it in a heartbeat.....but she WON'T.


And WHY should she? You're ALREADY acting like her boyfriend RIGHT NOW.....WITHOUT the commitment. So why get commited to you just to get what she's ALREADY getting?


Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free....right?

This woman is amazing except for her lack of willingness to leave bad (what she is used to) for good (the unknown). Any advice on this?

So she's amazing except for her unwillingness to leave bad for good. Well that.........AND the fact that she's UNFAITHFUL and a CHEATER.....you left out that minor detail.


Far as advice on how to get her,well,I'm sure someone here will help you get her,since she's such a catch.

 

[Gro0ver]

Dude, being her thing on the side is MUCH better.

- You don't have to put up with as much bs as her bf does
- The sex is probably better
- You can quit anytime you want, no commitment
- You can still spin other plates


Basically you have oneitus for this girl. Not good man. If you were her man, what makes you think she wouldn't do the same to you?

Enjoy it while it lasts, it sounds like fun, but drop the oneitus and see her for who she is.

You've got it good now, trust me, just enjoy it and stop grasping for more. And stop showing so much respect to a girl who stays in a s***ty realtionship and cheats on her man. Doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

 

[VladPatton]

Igetit! and GroOver pretty much hit the nail on the head AND drove it into the wood!

Leave it alone, enjoy what you are in, or get out.

It is true this will not end well, as she is as well a cheater as her bf is.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

You can't make a relationship with a girl who likes being in abusive/bad relationships. These girls don't respect themselves and they sure as hell will not respect you. They typically have severe emotional issues and mental handicaps.

Why are you so desperate to make a trouble case, YOUR case? These types of girls are good for sex and nothing more.

 

[Desdinova]

Igetit is pretty much dead on with how he broke it all down.

All women have a need for emotional fluctuation, but all women are different with how much they need. Some need just a little bit to keep their lives exciting, and some women need an ocean full of it to keep themselves satisfied. It seems you've found a woman who needs a high level of it.

This woman is having all her needs met by having two men in her life. She's having her cake and eating it too. She gets the a55hole end of it and financial security from her bf. She likely gets emotional security from you. She's getting laid by both of you which not only satisfies her sexual need, it's also providing a 'dangerous' and exciting aspect in her life.

She's got everything covered. If she were to eliminate one of you from her life, she'll just go right back out and find a replacement to gain back the satisfaction of having ALL her needs fulfilled, because neither one of you is capable of doing so on your own.

The Don Juan's best course of action is to make himself well rounded in every area when it comes to fulfilling the emotional needs of a woman. If you have your financial security, fvck like a champ, listen to her (and NOT provide advice) when she's venting her frustrations and treat her like crap once in a while, you're going to be better than most other guys out there.

 

[GADavid]

You'd better try to think abstractly and figure out WHY you think others cant measure up. Is she hotter? Does she mirror you("a lot in common")? Does she tell you sob stories to tug at your white-knight complex?(clearly yes). Sounds like a BPD/HPD waif to me.

Hotter? yes. absolutely gorgeous. everything I want in a woman.
Mirror me? yes. just about everything. school, work, humor, religion, politics, intelligence, views on life, people who don't know say we're a great couple.
Tug at white-knight complex? yeah, I think she deserves a lot better than how her bf treats her. she's said she'd love to have more with me if things were different... leads me on. also said she probably just needs someone to remove her from her situation as if she knows she doesn't have the fortitude to end things herself.
BPD/HPD? Im not qualified to make that call. She admits to forming co-dependent relationships if that is part of it? Also makes it hard for her to leave.


Y'all are driving some serious doubts into my head.
Thanks, all of you, for the input. Obviously I need to rethink why I want her so badly. Perhaps its nothing more than my urge to win.

Clearly, all objective evidence points out that she is not LTR material and my subjective opinion is clouding my judgement. She is beautiful, smart, hilarious, successful, generally has her life together (other than the relationships) and we have almost everything in common. On top of that, she's a challenge. Perhaps that is why the others don't measure up.

I need to kill this white-knight/oneitis complex and write her off as taken, but yeah, the sex is amazing. Then again, I am coming from a place scarcity because after my last 7 year relationship I have zero skills in the adult dating game.

I'll try to chill out about this one, have some fun with it, and keep bettering myself. It's not like there's an alternative