Advice on dealing with a break up at University

[Spearmint]

How does someone get rid of the worry of your ex girlfriend or love interest getting with other guys in the future?


Right now I don't have any feelings or motivation to go and get with other women or sleep with them, I've just got feelings for my ex


What's worse is that I know I will see her around at my university we're both at and it's upsetting now how things have changed and will have changed when I go back for the next semester.

I used to feel so content and comfortable with her in my life and now everything's changed so suddenly, I sort of feel in shock of it all. Going from loving her and being loved back and having that closeness and ability to go back to hers after a night out and wake up the next day and go off to lectures and that and have a good time with our mates the next day.


How do I deal with this and sort it out, any tips? :nervous:

 

[Rubato]

Responses in bold

How does someone get rid of the worry of your ex girlfriend or love interest getting with other guys in the future?

First, you have to accept the fact that both your ex girlfriend and YOURSELF will be dating other people and having sex with them. It's just gonna happen man, and getting hung up about it isn't going to make it go away - it will just make you feel worse. Instead of worrying about whatever her sexual escapades may be, focus on generating positive sexual experiences for yourself.

Right now I don't have any feelings or motivation to go and get with other women or sleep with them, I've just got feelings for my ex

ONEITIS!!!

When I was in high school, my councelor told me that sometimes the best things you can do for yourself are the things you don't feel like doing in the moment. You've been here long enough to know the symptoms and emotional pathophysiology of oneitis. You probably know how to deal with it too. The best strategy is to start spinning plates! Get lost in something other than the thoughts of your ex. They will not help you, they will just continue to poison you. Focus on yourself, your hobbies, and learn how to be happy without a woman - this is not a trivial feat, btw. As you are learning how to do this, continue to go out, approach, close, and spin... the plates.

What's worse is that I know I will see her around at my university we're both at and it's upsetting now how things have changed and will have changed when I go back for the next semester.

Ok. Sure it's upsetting. You have to think about this though... when you see the girl, what sort of impression do you want to present to her? I'm gonna throw this out there for you, and it's not a necessarily a pleasant thought, but it's generally reality. Girls move on much faster than guys asking questions like these and it's likely there's already someone else in the oven. While you've been sitting around pining about the relationship you've lost, she's likely to have already walked or getting ready to walk around the block with some dude. You can be two people right know:

The guy who this girl crushed and left totally destitute when she broke his heart

The guy who this girl couldn't affect, even when he lost her.

If it helps you, think of it as a big sh*t test (without having an outcome of winning her back in mind). How you react to seeing her will play probably the only role in how she views you post breakup. You have total control over this. But if you go in to it expecting it to be awkward, uncomfortable, sad, deppressing, whatever, it will be and you will be forever cast as that guy who had this girl destroyed and had no options when she left and couldn't get any immediately either.

I used to feel so content and comfortable with her in my life and now everything's changed so suddenly, I sort of feel in shock of it all.

You were relying on her to be the glue the held your life together. Recognize this as a mistake and learn from it. What you need to do is figure out how to develop that same sense of contentedness (you probably actually don't want to be totally comfortable) with a woman in absentia. When you make someone else or something else other than yourself "the glue", when it leaves you will feel shocked, because your life will have nothing else holding it together. Don't do this again.

Going from loving her and being loved back and having that closeness and ability to go back to hers after a night out and wake up the next day and go off to lectures and that and have a good time with our mates the next day.

How do I deal with this and sort it out, any tips? :nervous:

Dude, read those sentences above again. Do you sound like a man writing that? Do you feel like a man? You sound like some guy who is looking for a girl to be his mother. No offense bro, but I call things as I see them. As I've said before, work on yourself and learn how to develop that stuff without having a woman.

 

[st_99]

If it were up to me, i'd make sure no college student ever got into a 'relationship'

Too much chance it will screw up your grades and advancement in life. At a young age we're more prone to our emotions f*cking up our lives. I screwed up a bunch of classes worrying about an ex while in school. In hindsight that was well... dumb.

 

[Spearmint]

The night I had left hers to head home I said it was a shame that we were risking everything in the future. She said.

"We're not risking it, it's gone. I wish you would listen to me, I don't think you understand the concept of space. I've tried to not be rude to you about this but you're not listening to me and you're driving me to the point where I'm going to be so horrible to you because that seems the only option to keep you away. I let you know in the kindest way that I didn't have feelings for you anymore, you continued to not listen, you continued to try and hold my hand and kiss me, I don't understand why you think it's the best thing to do to pressure me to have to think about it more when I've clearly made a decision"

The thing is, how I see it is she just refused to make an effort to do anything but sabotage us because it was the easier thing to do

I called her on all her feelings she said she had, on what we had shared and that, in the calmest and non needy way. I basically said she must of been lying and I was a rebound from her old relationship she claimed to be over.

"No I wasn't lieing at all I did have those feelings but it doesn't help when you contiuously try to bring them up"

"Please stop talking to me for now, it'll do you some good and it's just making it worse and worse between us."

"Please don't call me cruel, I have had to speak in the way I have because you simply wouldn't listen to me and it was so frustrating being asked the same questions over and over again and having to answer questions that I didn't want to say because it was horrible to say these things to you."

So this evening, I asked her politely that I assume she will get in touch with me when she want's to speak in the future

She said

"Yeah I've asked for time, that's all, I need to think"

I was pretty confused by this and asked her why yesterday she said she DID NOT want to think about anything, she had made her decision and did not want space.

She responded

"Yes but you're not giving me it AT ALL, you haven't stopped speaking to me have you"



What do I do now, I don't understand what she says she needs to think about now and such.

I keep getting the urge to speak to her on facebook and think that I should block her, but then I am worried that if she wants to speak to me about her and myself, that she can't or she will just get more pissed off and use that as another excuse

 

[WC2]

If it were up to me, i'd make sure no college student ever got into a 'relationship'

Too much chance it will screw up your grades and advancement in life. At a young age we're more prone to our emotions f*cking up our lives. I screwed up a bunch of classes worrying about an ex while in school. In hindsight that was well... dumb.

I disagree.. TOTALLY.

I think every man should experience at least one serious relationship early in life. Whether it is to get that one f-ck-up out of the way, or to just gain experience, it is definitely necessary.

I can't tell you how much I grew from my relationship in college. You learn how young women think, feel, and b!tch. You learn how to deal with their friends and how to deal with other men impeding on your territory. If anything it is like going to college for marriage (if that is what your ultimate destiny is to be).

Now in reply to the OP..

It's time to simply forget this chick and spin other plates. Yes, I know you will hear this from everyone, but the simple fact is that it is the only thing that will get your one-itis off your mind.

More importantly, it will open your eyes to women who you've never imagined. I always say this to guys having hard breakups with their ex..

I've had 5 serious relationships in my lifetime. In each newer relationship I thought I loved THAT one more than the previous. So that means each time I become serious with someone, she is automatically in my mind, the best I've had.

The point is, there are a lot of fish in the sea. And there will always be better.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, when the woman is being direct and logical it is OVER with close to zero chance for anything to work out.

Women use direct, truthful speech as a last-resort nuclear bomb because they have run out of options to break free. Every fiber of their being wants to be indirect and to deflect responsibility. When they do that sudden shift into direct communication it's time to agree (to throw her off), be dispassionate, speak very few words, and go NC.

This will turn the tables on her and either she will be relieved and go away or she will do a complete 180 and start questioning her reasoning.

I realize it's a fait accompli in your case but this is just for future reference.

Oh, to answer your original question, hit the gym and chat people up everywhere. The feelings will fade. When you see her, be cordial and appear strong, as if you're totally cool with how things are. The last thing you want to do is to even hint at being clingy in any way. You'll be showing yourself first, and then her, strength that neither of you thought you had before.

 

[Spearmint]

Thanks for the insight.


It wasn't that we broke up, we were at this time unofficially so to speak going out with each other.


She felt that her feelings were up and down a lot and it wasn't fair to string me along when she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship. She said she didn't want to be stressed and tied down or anything


Basically what I'm asking is if I do my best to get on with my life and that, give her what she wants

Is there ever a chance that she and I might reconcile or carry on again in the future?


Hate asking a question like that but now I'm in that position, it's hard not too.


And if that were an entertainable idea, would NC do that?

Also, the subject of blocking from facebook. Is it immature?

 

[Spearmint]

Her best friend spoke to me and said this;

Basically she would like to be friends with you in time but needs space at the moment.

She definitely doesnt want a boyfriend though, whether it be you or anyone else, you just need to let it be for the time being she'll talk to you when shes ready but the constant pestering is just making her resent you.
She feels horrible about it but she doesnt want to lie and seem like shes 'stringing you along' because that isnt fair.

How can I see this positively?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Her best friend spoke to me and said this;

Basically she would like to be friends with you in time but needs space at the moment.

She definitely doesnt want a boyfriend though, whether it be you or anyone else, you just need to let it be for the time being she'll talk to you when shes ready but the constant pestering is just making her resent you.
She feels horrible about it but she doesnt want to lie and seem like shes 'stringing you along' because that isnt fair.

How can I see this positively?

OP, reading your posts, you sound like an intelligent, decent guy. My advice would be to read this thread http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=82346 in full and follow the guidelines it sets out, no matter how counter-intuitive they will sound at first. This is the tried and tested response to any break up. You might not get your ex back out of it... but you will be a better man for it, I guarantee. Plus, getting your ex back is not really the point... anyway, I'll leave it to the thread to explain.

Best of luck.

 

[Spearmint]

It developed more today.




Her bestfriend had been speaking to me and she said the following.


I don't think she needs 'time to think', I feel like youve given yourself false hope. I think you'll be friends in time, but that'll be it now.

Its what she said to you the other day and I think she means it. I havent spoken to her about it today but I think thats what she wants, I dont really know anymore, I just dont want you getting your hopes up.

I think she doesn't want anything with you because her feelings have gone and she doesn't want anyone.


I think she just realised that she didnt feel as strongly as she thought she did, and then you were asking her questions which made it worse, and then the whole her friend looking at your internet history and seeing you asking for advice on a forum thing made it even worse, I think it was just too much for her/ I assume she wants space so you can get over it. She would like to be friends in the future but that obviously cant happen at the moment.


I asked her friend if what she was saying is that this girl was over it and she said;


Yes, afraid so. Sorry I hate to be the bearer of bad news. You did mean alot to her and you do still mean a lot to her, she doesnt want to see you upset or hurt. She just realised that she didnt feel as strongly about you as she thought (in terms of being with you) but of course you still mean something to her as a friend.


You weren't a rebound, I think as her best friend that I know her a little bit better than you do. You weren't a rebound, if you were, the great sex would have been the only thing she wanted, she wouldn't of gone out with you.


You've never been a ****, it's just not what she wants. You cant force her to want it. You've been lovely but she doesnt want it. Use that lovliness on someone else who really wants it.


I said as a last thing that, if she has moved on so quickly then she clearly didn't have all those feelings for me.

The response;

No, she moved on because she doesnt feel it anymore, therefore its not fair to lead you on. Sorry I hate to be the one to upset you, I feel like a right ***** now, I just didn't want you getting your hopes up for something that wasn't going to happen.







FINALLY.

My question.

Is it possible to move on from someone that quickly if the feelings were genuine? In the past she said she was 'over' her ex, whilst she was still with him because he never spoke to he for two months whilst he was at university.
After they broke up, she found out he cheated on her and she wanted answers from him, despite the fact I said to just leave him be and all that.


Obviously only now I realise that she probably wasn't as over her ex as she made out.



Basically. I am at the same university as her, so Jariel's NC, would it work both for me and anything between me and her in the future?


I see the problem, it was rushed into so quickly, it could of been slower, so I know theoretically if I had the chance it would to go slower again and that.


Any tips would be great.

Peace x

 

[perseverance]

Jesus H Christ.

This thing is as dead as a dodo and for some reason you still harbour hopes of reviving it. Why? What is so special about this girl that makes her so much different from the rest?

You're young, you're at University, you should be out enjoying yourself, you should be working hard on your studies, not worrying about some girl you've met a few months ago. Women come and go, education doesn't, so make that your number one priority.

Your overanalyzation of this is borderline on the insane. Surely there must be other women you're attracted to at University? Go for them and see how you fair.

 

[Spearmint]

I'm not sure to be honest, it's the fact that I got comfortable with going round to where she stayed on campus after lectures and such, and hanging out with her and her flat mates as well who were also my friends.

On top of that I think it's because she's very good looking and real smart, a part of me thought I didn't deserve her and I was always sort of chuffed to have her and how she felt about me.

And I have an attitude of disliking losing and a tenacity to not give up on things, I know it helps in most aspects in life.
But more I'm just sort of shocked at how fickle her feelings were and that.

 

[perseverance]

Lesson 1: Never get comfortable, the world and everything in it is constantly changing, you also need to be able to change and in order to change with the seasons, you need to be adaptable and acceptable to change.

One day you could be in a relationship with a girl and the next day it could end. Remember that.

Lesson 2: There are plenty of good looking, intelligent women around. Treating a woman like some sort of Princess is unnecessary. Treat women like you'd treat a razorblade or a magazine; treat them as disposable, until a woman shows her truth worth to you and wants you as much as you want her, then make her prove to you that she's keeper, if she is then you need not dispose of her.

Lesson 3: A man with low self esteem and a poor attitude is man destined to fail exceptionally in life. You need to deem yourself worthy of any woman, because a vast majority of women are not as good as you think they are. Women are very good at masquerading around as something they aren't.

Having a tenacious attitude towards life is a good thing, never giving up is a good thing, except when it comes to women. This woman has done nothing of any worth to warrant the feelings, emotions and attention that you have continously shown her. You let infatuation get the better of you and as a result you lost the frame, and lost the girl. Losing the girl is fine, she is replaceable, losing the frame and letting your sexual infatuation and emotional infatuation for this girl get out of control is unacceptable and you need to work on it.

 

[backbreaker]

as some know I'm not the biggest proponet of going to college. But dammit, if you are going to go on college, women sould be put on the backburner, for this reason right here.

college kids, 99% of them have no idea the difference between a 3.6 and a 3.8 GPA when it comes to college, grad school choices, scholarships for grad school and waht not. the difference between a 3 6. and a 3.8 is you getting all woe is me for a semester after a bad breakup or getting all wound up on a woman

F uck the ex, F the college sluts, study son. there is no going out of business sale on pvssy. they will be there. Every man wants reap the benefits of being successful, but no one wants to put in the self sacrifice to be successful. it's just ***** give it up ande better yourself and your future family

 

[Johnnyventana]

No one has said it yet?

There's another guy. Either one she likes, or one she already has something going on with.

Sudden lack of interest = new guy.

Move on, and stop talking to her friends about her. You know the friends are relaying your conversations. How much better would it be if your ex learned that you no longer were obsessing and talking about her.

Self-respect yo.

 

[Spearmint]

No one has said it yet?

There's another guy. Either one she likes, or one she already has something going on with.

Sudden lack of interest = new guy.

It wasn't a sudden lack of interest, nowhere near.

A rebound potentially.

Somehow even I doubt that she has something going on with a guy.
But then again if she does, she can go and **** herself and any respect I had for her remaining.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Spearmint, you are in love with and somewhat infatuated with an idealization of this girl, not the real girl herself. You are in love with what you were hoping she was, and what you wish she was.

Let go of this idealization and face reality. She is not what you had hoped for. You're way too young to get hung up on this chick. Cut her loose and open yourself up to freedom. Right now she owns you.

 

[backbreaker]

OP you call yourself an intelligent guy. I'm not going point out the 2 threads you started in one day about the same girl or tell you that you have a severe case of oneitis. I'm going to try something different.


everyone knows leonardo da vinci for one of three things lol, the da vinci code or the mona lisa or the last supper painting. He was pound for pound quite possibly the best painter the world has ever seen, that is, when he felt like patining, which was hardly ever. The truth is, for the vast majori of his life, he used painting as a way to pay bills, and a way to get out of poverty, but that was not his true love. No, his true love was his inventions. Every time he'd build up some money, he'd drop what he was doing at the time and go out to try to sale his ideas, his inventions to any leader that would listen. Most of his ideas were military based. helicopters, underwater snurkle machines, tanks, he tried to design all this ****. he invited the bird's eye map. his real dream, for the vast majority of his life, was to invent machines and weapons on a grand scale.

from the time he was what, 24ish until the time he was 50 years old he chased this dream. he spent 17 years in Malin doing paints and supltures for the duke of milan hoping for the chase to get some of his inventions financed so he could build them. it was in that time he created the last supper, which to him at hte time was nothing more than a henderance of a task.

to make a long story short, he has to leave milan because they are being invaded, he goes any and everywhere trying to sale his ideas to anyone who would listen. Finally, the pope's bastard son, who was invading italty I believe at the time, needed someone who thought utside the box and gave him a listen, and hired him as his chief military strategist. Leonardo da vinci, chief Military Strategist. lol not what they teach in grade school.

So, he's living out his dream, the guy who hired him loves his work he's doing for him... then one day, i forgot why, the pope's son has 2 of leonardo da vinci's friends murdered. It was at that point leonardo da vinci realized, damn near 3 decades after he fancied himself as a military strategist, that he didn't like war because he didn't like people killing people. he, like you, fancied something to be something that in reality it wasn't.

so he leaves the army, now with his attention, completely focused on painting. It was only then that he could what many consider the greatest painting of all time, the mona lisa.


The point isn't that you can or can't get this broad, the point is that she isn't worth all the effort you made her out to be, and if you happened to get another chance, you will realize all the time you could have been spending doing something more constructive. Imagine leonardo da vinci's life had he actually spent his entire life painting.

 

[perseverance]

I think Spearmint is wasting his first year at University and will regret it somewhere down the line in his life.

The first year at University is always the best, you're on campus, you're meeting lots of new people, it's the perfect year to have fun, get with lots of girls, party hard and the great thing is you only need a 40% pass mark to make it into the second year.

Spearmint seems to be wasting his first year pining over some girl and when he gets over her, it will be too late, he'll be staring at his second year of University which sees the partying antics minimise and the work levels increase, the third year is more of the same. Then before you know it, you'll have left University without having sampled the sheer anarchy of the first year.