Advice needed

[gearshifter]

Hi guys,

I have been reading these forums for abit and I thought I would post my little dilemma...

I have been seeing a girl for a month and a half; we have been meeting up about twice a week for about the last 3/4 weeks. We get on extremely well, we have great chemistry etc. I feel that we have covered alot of ground in a short space of time... however all is not as rosy as I would have hoped.

This I think is partly because I have broken some key rules (I think because I have fallen hard for her emotionally - I know this is a no no...). Because I have felt so close to her and comfortable with her, I have invited her into my life - introduced her to friends, she has even met my family and stayed overnight at my place twice. I have also broken the rule of talking about commitment too early on - about the future etc. I think this may have added to our issues. Again I did this because I felt so comfortable with her.

However, she has been taking things more slowly - I am yet to meet her friends (her family lives abroad but she has intimated that I could meet them at some point). She has also made a commitment by adding me as her boyfriend on Facebook and her many friends on have commented about it - so there seems to be some level of buy-in on her part. She has told me she is not ready for me to see her house or even know exactly her address, as she doesn't fully trust me yet. (A small red flag? - however she claims that its because of a crazy ex-boyfriend experience), she has told me what she does(her job), however won't tell me where she works - for the same reason as the house. (another small red flag). Also, she recently moved in to a new house and when I asked her a seemingly harmless question "What are your new housemates like?" She became extremely defensive - and wouldn't actually answer the question. She then asked me "Why are you asking that??" - This was another red flag.

Things have escalated physically, we started kissing intensely early in the relationship, however it took a while to escalate to much else because she wasn't "ready". So because I liked her so much I was willing to wait for her, and eventually just this last weekend we finally did the deed! great! However, I have my suspicions here as well. She gave me the BJ of a lifetime in our first intimate encounter and to be honest it felt like she was/is a pro - she also has a tongue ring which adds slightly to my theory that she has seen her fair share of action! (another small red flag).

Anyway, the situation came to a head earlier this week when talking about how wonderful our weekend was - she said something along the lines of "one of these days we will sit down and talk about me and I will tell you everything about my house and my job and why it is the way it is" - now because of previous red flags mentioned above - to be honest I lost my nerve slightly and said that it feels as though you have been hiding the truth from me.

She said there are details to her personal life which she has not felt comfortable sharing with me. And after more pressing from me, she became defensive and tried to change the subject, however I kept pressing her on this point and eventually she admitted that she is afraid that it would freak me out.

I said that for this relationship to work I need you to respect me enough to tell me the truth about you. She then asked whether we could meet up to talk about it (a life line?) - to which I said that I want to talk about it now over the phone.

After this she left the conversation and hasn't been in contact since (2 days ago) she hasn't answered my texts or my phone calls.

So experts, I know I have made some fundamental mistakes thus far, and I will do my best to learn from them. The main problem is that I genuinely like the girl and see a great future with her, but apparently she doesn't see things the same way because she is not contacting me. She has mentioned that she has had bad experience with past boyfriends and seems to have trust issues. What is your analysis of the situation, whats your honest advice?

Thanks

 

[Iceberg]

I mean...mistakes aside, you have a "girlfriend" (that term means nothing since you've only been dating for a month) and she won't even tell you where she lives. How does that even work? Are you guys young?

I'm just trying to envision a scenario where I date a girl but I can't get her to say where she lives. That's absurd. Like a scene from a comedy.

So, yes, part of the problem is that you've grown attached way too quickly. There's no way in hell that I'd call a girl my "girlfriend" before even having sex with her. But let's not ignore the BIGGER problem - this girl has some shady stuff going on in her life, or some psychotic levels of mistrust. Can't tell you where she lives? Think about that.

Either way, I hope you're not lonely/desperate enough to buy into this girl.

 

[Arthy]

The problem is, you're not spining plates and this girl is your oneitis.
You acted desperate and needy, there isn't anything misterious about you and she finds you boring.
What's the point of meeting your girlfriend with your parents? The only way i would do that is with the girl im getting married with.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Oh guy... if only you knew the mistakes you were making...

Well, apparently you know a few of them. The MAJOR mistake you're making is that you've been rushing this thing too soon. You've been dating her less than a month, and already:

*You're expecting her to already be in a relationship with you
*You're already letting her meet your friends
*You're already wanting her to open up her Pandora's box for you

Dude... YOU'VE ONLY BEEN DATING THIS GIRL FOR A MONTH!!

For starters, you should only be seeing her once a week, and you shouldn't be calling/texting her between dates, other than to set up the next date.

Secondly, for most girls it takes 3 to 4 months before they're comfortable enough with you to let you into their world. So if she hasn't been letting you meet her friends or family, that's a GOOD thing - she's not supposed to want to do that within the first month because a girl needs TIME to build up trust in you. Yes, YOU know you're trustworthy, but she needs to fully FEEL like she can trust you before letting you in. SLOW DOWN YOUR PACING OF THIS "RELATIONSHIP."

Here's what I recommend: first, listen to these podcasts below:

Stop Introducing Her to Friends So Soon
Stop Being So Available
Stop Saying Things BEFORE You Think
Stop Bringing Up Serious Topics on Dates

Second, don't bring up any more serious conversations with this girl. You shouldn't feel the need to rush into meeting her people, or go to her place. If she's not comfortable with doing these things she will be by the 3rd month, but only if you're not PESTERING her every other minute about how you don't think she likes you as much just because she won't do these things. Dude, she LIKES you, but applying pressure to a girl only makes her RUN, not stay.

And third, get your head off the idea that you two are in a relationship yet. For one, YOU shouldn't be the one to bring that topic up - that's HER job, and only after the 3rd month will it usually start happening. As long as she's still going out with you, it means you're GOOD and don't need to pester her for a commitment. And two, bringing up relationship talk when she's not ready for it isn't going to make her want to have one with you. It's the guys that are laid back, able to show her a good time and go with the flow that end up in relationships - NOT the ones that date a girl for 3 weeks and ask her to be the gf without realizing that SHE NEEDS MORE THAN A MONTH TO REALLY GET TO KNOW YOU.

My suggestion? Don't contact her for a week, then call her up and ask her out. If she says yes, meet her somewhere, apologize for being so pushy, and tell her that you'll respect her and whatever she decides to reveal in her own time. But for the love of GOD man, learn to be more patient - relationships are jogs, not sprints. Hope this helps!

 

[gearshifter]

thanks the quick responses guys. I will definately be following your advice and not trying to fall into these traps again..

 

[Krueg]

I dont know about everyone else...

I think this chick its Nuts! Its not him, its her!!

Is she married or have a boyfriend? WTF does she have to hide? If she aint ready for you, move on!! If she comes crawling back, you'll know..

 

[Greasy Pig]

This is too weird for words. Did I hear someone say "BPD"?

 

[gearshifter]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the advice so far, I have been really interested to read it.

So I have an update to this little saga...

Having read your responses I decided to give her some space - 1 week. So I sent her this message to her to make my intentions clear but also to let her know my feelings about her - I wanted her to know that I was seeing this as my last option:

"XXXXX, I need to take things easy, I won't talk about any serious stuff anymore because you have had enough of it. I can see that i have gone about somethings in the wrong way with you and i am willing to change - to totally take away the pressure and let things happen naturally at a pace you are comfortable with. You need some space, it's no good me messaging / phoning you at the moment. I will call you in a week, we can have a nice relaxing time together - just have abit of fun and a good laugh. I am very much into you, I'm not scared to admit it, so it is difficult for me to stop trying to call but I can see that it is not working right now. I miss you"

And can you believe it, she actually replied the next morning (this is a summary of the key points):

- She lied on the website (We met on a website) about her job because she never thought we would get serious. After that she became scared and so had to keep the lie going. She says the reason why she lied to me and many people is because she is ashamed that she cannot do what she is trained to do (a teacher), instead because of visa situation she is studying part time and working as an au pair looking after children.

- She says she could have a more comfortable life abroad(at home) as a teacher but she says that she is one of those people who prefer to follow their heart.

- She says that because she wants to study journalism in the future she says that anyone who wants to be with her in the future will go through alot because she wants to work and study for the next couple of years. (she is mid twenties).

Now obviously my main worry is that she lied to me about her job, and who knows what else? which shows immaturity to me, because to be honest is there really anything to be ashamed about working as an au pair and saving for a journalism course and following your heart?? I dont think so..

Thoughts, insights, suggestions?

Thanks

 

[Diabolito]

Her being ashamed of her job does not reflect on you. It is her lie and probably one she had told more than just you. I wouldn't put too much into it, unless you get turned off by her insecurity of telling the truth to whichever stranger she meets online.

Instead focus on the fact, that you are actually now in a zone, where she felt the "need" to tell you. She would never have told you, if she was gonna ditch you and walk away. It's clearly something that has been bothering her for a while. Now it's out, try seeing it from her perspective. If you had made yourself look better in any which way on your online profile, coming clean is super hard - because for most people, the lie is worse. The lie shows immense insecurities and she is probably worried that you find her fake now.

 

[Iceberg]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the advice so far, I have been really interested to read it.

So I have an update to this little saga...

Having read your responses I decided to give her some space - 1 week. So I sent her this message to her to make my intentions clear but also to let her know my feelings about her - I wanted her to know that I was seeing this as my last option:

"XXXXX, I need to take things easy, I won't talk about any serious stuff anymore because you have had enough of it. I can see that i have gone about somethings in the wrong way with you and i am willing to change - to totally take away the pressure and let things happen naturally at a pace you are comfortable with. You need some space, it's no good me messaging / phoning you at the moment. I will call you in a week, we can have a nice relaxing time together - just have abit of fun and a good laugh. I am very much into you, I'm not scared to admit it, so it is difficult for me to stop trying to call but I can see that it is not working right now. I miss you"

I understand that you're new to these concepts. But listen - when you decide to stop speaking to a woman, your goal is to regain power in the relationship. You're conveying the message, "I don't NEED to be in contact with you. So if you want my attention, you're gonna have to chase."

So when you TELL the woman, "I'm giving you space because you're treating me badly, and my feelings are hurt, and I miss you." You've essentially NEGATED all the progress you were trying to make by going No Contact.

The fact that she responded isn't a shock. You gave her some big dramatic text. Girls, even if they don't like you, can't help but play into the drama. It's not gonna outweigh the fact that you came off like a needy, over-sensitive, desperate man in your text.

If I were in your situation, I would have just stopped talking to her. I wouldn't have explained why. I DEFINITELY wouldn't have sent your text. I would have taken a break because it was what I NEEDED....not because I felt it was what she needed. You're doing this all backwards.

But ultimately, it's for the best - because this girl will not stay with you, and when she breaks things off with you, you can find other chicks. Preferably SANE chicks.

 

[gearshifter]

Against all previous advice I took a chance, and asked her out tonight and she has agreed to meet up. Do you guys have any advice? She has asked me to take it easy and I agreed.

 

[gearshifter]

Hi Guys,

Me again. Quite abit has happened since my last update...

Anyway, last Thursday she agreed to meet up with me and we chilled for abit before saying that we needed to "talk". We sat on a park bench and discussed recent events. She said that she needed some space and that is why she didnt answer my calls for two days. She admitted that she just felt scared and things got too much for her to deal with. Anyway, we had a good evening and spent a few hours together chatting abo9ut lots of different things.

Fast forward to the weekend, We met up again on Friday night where she was going out with her friends to a bar / club and she invited me to come along. Everything was going well, until she thought I was chatting up one of her friends, then she simply grabbed her phone off the table and marched off. I was worried and confused because I didnt know what went wrong. Anyway, we sat down and talked about it and she calmed down and we ended up partying the rest of the night away. When she was angry she said things like "I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour" and "I dont need to deal with this, I have loads of guys to choose from etc....".

I went back to hers, and we spent the next day and a half together, slept together, ate together etc etc. Went back to mine Sunday evening.

Within that prolonged period of being in her company, I couldnt help getting the feeling that she has some level of baggage from the past. especially on the last day (Sunday), she seemed to get almost detached, was very quiet, didnt talk much. When I asked her if she was ok, she would just say that she was tired and then would put her arm around me and give me a hug. Its almost as tho she was going through a fight with herself, on the one hand she really likes me and wants to spend time with me, on the other hand she felt like she had spent too much time with me and needed some space. I can understand the later because we had never spent such a long time together. To be honest I was also feeling it, there is only so much time couples can spend together, before you get alittle bored of all the hugs, kisses, hand holding, making conversation etc.

Today she seems to be ignoring me abit, which I can understand, I am planning on giving her some space and contacting her again in 2 days time to catch up.

What do you guys make of it?

Thanks,
Brent

 

[gearshifter]

Hi Guys, I'm not sure if anyone is still interested in this story ... haha but I thought I'd write a little update on how things are going.

So things have been going well(ish), in the two weeks since my last post I have learnt some interesting things about this girl.

1/ She has major jealousy issues. I don't think I mentioned previously, but she lost it when I was chatting to one of her acquaintances at a bar, she literally just stormed off in a rage. I was literally just making conversation to this other girl and then out of the blue she just stormed off into the club. I eventually calmed her down but she was pretty worked up. Also, I spent some time socializing at my fathers birthday dinner celebration last night, and she was complaining that I didn't want to talk to her online and left her waiting for four hours - when I already told her that I would be busy, that I would talk to her as soon as it was over.

/2 she still never initiates anything, she expects me to come to her. And when I don't she makes me feel bad / guilty that I should have. She seems selfish to me, she isn't willing to change one little bit for our relationship it seems.

Anyway, because of issue number 1 and a host of other things - I'm finally coming around to the conclusion that this isn't going to work. (thank God I hear some of you say - haha).

Because of events described in point 1 above (which happened last night) she basically said that she was "waiting" for me to come online to talk to her, and then when I did finally log in online because my fathers birthday celebrations had finished, she either ignored my messages until this morning or fell asleep at her computer (what she says). I waited for an hour and a half (between 23:30 - 01:00) to see if she would reply and then I went to bed. I sent her a message telling her this was unacceptable, she became defensive (as usual) and now no one is talking....

Guys, I need some words of confidence that I really should end this thing?? Its draining me mentally and emotionally....

Thank you for your time

 

[sylvester the cat]

girls with 'jealousy issues' are usually projecting.

don't be surprised if she's been sleeping with other men all this time.

she does not respect you, and you clearly do not respect yourself and no woman wants a man who does not respect himself.

i say you don't have to end this because there is nothing to end.

she will let you pursue her for as long as your dignity will allow, all the whilst she is holding out for something better, at which point, when she finds it, you will be history.

 

[Lord Hypnos]

time to pull the plug.. delete her number and cut off all contact from her for at least 6 months. if she initiates contact during this period, coldly explain to her that she has emotional baggage and doesn't meet your standards for a g/f.. and that you are actively dating other girls in search of a real g/f. end of story

 

[Iceberg]

Guys, I need some words of confidence that I really should end this thing?? Its draining me mentally and emotionally....

Thank you for your time

Draining you mentally and emotionally only a month into dating her?

Sounds like a keeper.

Seriously, I don't know if you live in a small town, or village or what...but there's GOTTA be better women available for you. The beginning stages of a relationship are supposed to be the most fun. If these are the "fun" times for you, then you can imagine how things will go once the "real her" starts showing up.

 

[Skyline]

Please dont ask for advice and then ignore all of it. Next this girl and next time listen to what people say here.

I would advise focusing on yourself by reading bradd80's guide on how to become a don juan. Its in the tips section.