Advice Needed

[sherryg]

My partner of 5 years recently broke up with me 6 months after we bought a house together (said she needed space) since we still live in the house together we see each other a couple of times a week as I work all day and have since got an evening job so I’m out the house as often as possible. I try and go out with friends at least on a Friday or Saturday night and of late have stayed over, only to find a very frosty atmosphere when I return home as well as the proverbial 20 questions. Speaking to a friend of mine he thinks she will try and get back with me. Of late she has even been leaving me a prepared meal for when I get home about 11pm, when asked why? her reply is that if she’s cooking a meal she won’t leave me out , for which I am grateful as this saves me a lot of time. The question I am asking is how do I tell if she wants to try again without actually asking her

 

[jophil28]

My partner of 5 years recently broke up with me 6 months after we bought a house together (said she needed space) since we still live in the house together we see each other a couple of times a week as I work all day and have since got an evening job so I’m out the house as often as possible. I try and go out with friends at least on a Friday or Saturday night and of late have stayed over, only to find a very frosty atmosphere when I return home as well as the proverbial 20 questions. Speaking to a friend of mine he thinks she will try and get back with me. Of late she has even been leaving me a prepared meal for when I get home about 11pm, when asked why? her reply is that if she’s cooking a meal she won’t leave me out , for which I am grateful as this saves me a lot of time. The question I am asking is how do I tell if she wants to try again without actually asking her

You need to post your correct age in your profile.

OK, your woman 'friend' is in total control here. She persuaded you to buy a house and then she persuaded you to sleep in the guest room and now she has the gall to shows anger when you start living your own life.
WHY would you want to get back with a manipuling shrew like her. You are under her thumb and she knows it. However , I guess that you," really love her" right ?
Boy do you need your eyes opened, BUT you came to the right forum .

Stay around and we might convince you to resume your life as a functional MAN.

 

[jophil28]

Double post.

 

[DavenJuan]

need space?? she did not know this prior to purchasing a home together??

whatever the reasons why she "wanted space" probably hasnt changed. the fact that she sees you enjoying life without her being the center of attention obviously bothers her.

give her the attention she is pursing and find yourself back in the same situation 6 months ago relatively soon.

go out, have fun. do YOU. If and when she DESERVES you back, then you contimplate if you want to waste your time.

let her think about her actions. HOWEVER, i would not be doing things just to make her jealous

 

[MacAvoy]

Two options: first question is do you want her to have all the power and control the relationship?

If so, then continue what your doing, going out and having a good time without her. Live your life and enjoy it. She will eventually come to you. But like the poster above said, she will have all the power and control the relationship. You will be her puppy dog and give her all the love she wants but she will be the master.

Option 2, take back control of your life. List the house for sale, even if it means taking a loss. However after only 6 months, you shouldn't be taking a big loss, the market doesn't change that quickly. If the house is really that important to her, then she'll buy you out but I bet she'll give 50 million reasons why you shouldn't sell. Don't fall for it.

You have to move on with your life and quit playing house. She has it made right now, she has you and she doesn't even have to fvck you.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Here's what you do:

Install a revolving door at your bedroom's entrance. THEN work on building a roster of good-looking women, so they can always be creating "traffic" coming in and out of your bedroom.

Do this until your "I need space" ex-girlfriend decides to either get over herself------or get the fukk out.

And the day she walks out the front door of the house, tell her to stick the "FOR SALE" sign in the yard before she drives off.




Oh...and I'm only slightly exaggerating too...

The bottom line is that you need to either stay here @ So Suave, and/or find some other method to rediscover, reconnect to, and EMBRACE your MANHOOD. A STRONG dose of "self love" is more important for you right now than to continue to place your emotional health at the whim of a indecisive woman.


March on.

 

[frivolousz21]

kick her out

or let her take over the mortgage and leave.

either way get away from this now.

 

[joekerr31]

My partner of 5 years recently broke up with me 6 months after we bought a house together (said she needed space) since we still live in the house together we see each other a couple of times a week as I work all day and have since got an evening job so I’m out the house as often as possible. I try and go out with friends at least on a Friday or Saturday night and of late have stayed over, only to find a very frosty atmosphere when I return home as well as the proverbial 20 questions. Speaking to a friend of mine he thinks she will try and get back with me. Of late she has even been leaving me a prepared meal for when I get home about 11pm, when asked why? her reply is that if she’s cooking a meal she won’t leave me out , for which I am grateful as this saves me a lot of time. The question I am asking is how do I tell if she wants to try again without actually asking her

ok here is my 2 cents.

since this is an LTR the 'frame' of the situation was likely established a long time ago. for better or for worse, she has come to see you as an AFC. she is upset with you, over something, who knows what, and decided to pull the ultimate ultimatum with the 'lets take a break'. this is her attempt to let you know that SHE is the prize and you better bow down to her or else - you better start treating her like a princess on a pedastal or else - you better start being the man she fantasized about or else.

see, women are stupid. women PLAY GAMES. or as Rollo would put it, communicate covertly.

the best strategy here, in my opinion, is to drop a nuclear bomb on her covert power strategy. BE the mature one. sit her down and have a mature conversation. none of this 'lets take a break crap'. either its over or its not. if its not over, then the two of you have to commit to fixing what is broken. if its over, then its time to sell the house and move on with life.

right now, what the two of you are doing, is engaging in a battle of wills. the problem is YOU WILL LOSE.

a battle of wills is a LOSE LOSE scenario. there is no WIN. trust me on this.

women do this all the time. women create lose lose scenarios to make you cave. they are like terrorists hijacking a plane. they figure if they show you that 'hey i dont care, im prepared to die' that you will cave to their demands.

what you need to do is say 'STOP. if you have issues, i'm prepared to talk and listen to what they are. but not with a gun to my head. if you this is how you want to communicate, then i have no choice but to walk away."

if you engage her in this battle of wills, all that is going to happen is that you will both become further entrenched in your stances. and even if one person does cave, they will look to 'get back' at the other person down the road. they will bid their time until the other person is weak and then attack.

here is an old thread i started on breaks...
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126471

your situation is a little different though, given the amount of time you've been together and that you are living together.

either way, the ONLY way to fix this situation is to sit her down and call her bluff. if you weren't living together id say just walk away. but since you are, its more complicated because if its really over then you need to sell the house.

anyway, she's put you in a lose lose scenario and the way you get out of it is to call her out on using terrorist tactics that put the relationship in ultimate peril.

if she really wanted a break you guys would be selling the house. the fact that you aren't tells me that shes simply trying to punish you for not behaving the way she wants.

and you know, i dont know, maybe she has just grounds. maybe you aren't the best boyfriend. i dont know.

but EVEN if that is true, terrorist tactics, all or nothing tactics, lose lose tactics, are NOT the mature way to handle the situation.

so you need to basically call her out on that. calling for a 'break' is NOT acceptable in a committed relationship. if she has issues, then you two need to sit down and work them out. cutting off communication is NOT going to resolve anything, in fact everyone will tell you it will only make things worse.

once you corner her, you need to find out whether she is through with the relationship or whether the two of you are going to work on your problems.

but you have to establish that you have ZERO desire to be in a relationship with someone that bails on it when they can't get what they want, instead of talking through their issues.

 

[sherryg]

Ok so it's now been a few month's down the line so i thought i would update the situation, 3 weeks before Christmas it had been agreed that we would spend the time together (in the same house but not as partners) . a week later I told her that a mate of mine thought that she wanted to get back with me ( this she denied outright) so I added that is good to hear as it was no longer what i needed or even wanted ........ from that moment on it was war , she didn’t speak or even spend time in the same room as me, this I thought was rather childish so I proceeded do as it say’s in so many of the post on this forum and get a life , on the 02/01/08 she put the house on the market. Never spoke one word to her until she approached me two weeks ago to ask me if I was seeing a well known slapper from work (after denying any involvement with the said lady(and I say lady very loosely because believe me she is) we ended up have Sex (not the same kind of sex when we were together but a lot better ) this has now happened on 5 different occasions over the last couple of weeks . When I ask here what she wants, im told that she still wishes to sell the house and doesn’t want a relationship with me but we are both consenting adults that have needs and while were in the same house why not …….Do you think there’s a trap here waiting to be sprung

Would just like to that joekker31 for his advice

 

[romangod]

Sherry................ If there is a trap waiting to be sprung I can't see what it is. If this relationship is what neither of you want anymore it is time to move on. Childish Ego games will get you nowhere. If you're honest with each other the split should be amicable. It's time to move on.

 

[jophil28]

.Do you think there’s a trap here waiting to be sprung

A Trap waiting to be sprung ? It was sprung long ago . Didn't you hear the clang about the time when she said "we need space" and you went along with that and did nothing?
Man, the only parts of you that are not already clamped in that "trap" are the two fingers that you used to type your reply.
She has you exactly where she wants you - and she has pulled the sneakiest trick that women pull and that is to hook you back in with the pvssy when she senses that you are looking away from her.
I am speechless here - perhaps another MM can advise you on you next move. I have no idea what to say to someone who is so fogged out.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

A lesbian asking for a man's advice.


Fascinating!

 

[Nelford]

My partner of 5 years recently broke up with me 6 months after we bought a house together (said she needed space) since we still live in the house together we see each other a couple of times a week as I work all day and have since got an evening job so I’m out the house as often as possible. I try and go out with friends at least on a Friday or Saturday night and of late have stayed over, only to find a very frosty atmosphere when I return home as well as the proverbial 20 questions. Speaking to a friend of mine he thinks she will try and get back with me. Of late she has even been leaving me a prepared meal for when I get home about 11pm, when asked why? her reply is that if she’s cooking a meal she won’t leave me out , for which I am grateful as this saves me a lot of time. The question I am asking is how do I tell if she wants to try again without actually asking her

The space thing to me means she out shopping and deciding between you and someone else. I been through this before and what I did was give exactly what she ask for (space). I started collecting new numbers and going out on dates and guess what hommie. She was burning up my phone trying to get back with me. I let her back and a couple of months later she was gone again. One year later she was burning my phone up again. At this point I smash her off and never called or accepted any of phone calls again.

Sell the house and move on my friend. There is a problem in the relationship and you will have to pull teeth to find out what it is.

 

[Señor Fingers]

There are several Big Mistakes going on here

#1. Allowing her to give you the "I need space" speech to begin with. Anytime a man is confronted with this garbage, he has to lay down the law. She is either in or she's out, there is no purgatory for relationships

#2. Not getting to the bottom of the problem and dealing with it like an adult. This means facing up to the fact that even though she may be handling this completely wrong, she may have legitimate basis for her repulsion.

#3. Verbalized (albeit indirectly) that you are curious if she wants to get back with you. Congrats.. you just gave her any shred of power you had left

#4. Denying involvement with other women. What business is that of hers? She's the one who wanted space, no? You should have kept your mouth shut.

There is a pattern here - you are kowtowing to her every whim and not standing up for yourself. Not for nothing but I think that's why she is turned off by you. There is not one manly act you have demonstrated throughout this interaction, she has you by the balls the whole time!

What is sad is that you don't even see this! Instead you are wondering if there is still a chance for you guys. I'm sorry but that level of pathetic would turn anybody off.

If you want to salvage any of your dignity, then don't let her have her cake and eat it too. No more sex for her! Start seeing other women or just jerk off if you need to bust one, but you need to freeze this b!tch out. Have some dignity for chrissakes!

You also need to forget about this relationship altogether... abandon all hope because there is no recovering from being played this hard. She has no respect for you, and you can't really fault her for that because you obviously don't respect or value yourself very much.

If you don't address these issues, then I can guarantee this won't be the last time you get played like this.

It's time to wake up!

 

[joekerr31]

for whatever the reason this woman has a vested interest in hurting you. she wants to see you miserable (most likely because she is miserable).

the whole need a break in teh beginning was probably a function of her blaming her unhappiness on you instead of taking personal responsibility for it herself.

since you seemed to react to the move with minimal emotional damage, this just infuriates her more. hence why she would give you the 20 questions.

when this didn't work, she escalates it and puts the house on the market. when this doesn't work either, she starts sleeping with you again. she's basically looking to get you 'hooked' on her again, so that she can dump you on your *ss.

while i can't be certain, it does appear that her game plan is to see you hurt. if she can get you to the point where you are in a mental break down over her OR where you are begging her not to leave you, then she will have what she wants.

this is how immature women act. they see themselves as victims, typically blame the male in their life for all their problems, and then justify hurting such male. this is why so many couples live in this cycle of fighting and make up sex - its how a lot of women know how to relate to men.

anyway, i still go back to my original post. the two of you need to sit down and lay it all out on the table. if shes saying she wants nothing to do with you moving forward, then it makes no sense to be sleeping with you - she is obviously contradicting herself.

but my advice to you is simple. she is not exhibiting the behavior of a mature woman - she's letting her emotions control her (and by extension, control you as well). as such, unless this woman is the love of your life, you need to just make a clean break.

sleeping with her was not smart. all it did was let her know that she still has the p*ssy power. that she can keep playing games and at any point in time end them by using her p*ssy. she can figuratively beat the crap out of you and if, at some point, you stand up for yourself and say 'thats enough, im outta here for good!' she knows she can lure you back in with the p*ssy.

if you are in conflict with a woman, you have to stay away from her p*ssy. you have to let her know that the p*ssy will NOT control you. its only then that they will take you seriously and stop playing manipulation / emotional games.

remember, to us men these games seem absurd, so absurd that we have a hard time believing women would even engage in them. but you have to remember that women love drama. for a lot of women, drama is like sex to us, it gives them a high. even when their life is falling apart, they get a high from it because they are the star in their very own soap opera in a way.

 

[Señor Fingers]

Interesting take joekerr,

Personally I find her intentions hard to decode, you just may be right, but keep in mind that sometimes a woman doesn't do this with the sole intention of hurting you.. in some cases she just wants to get a reaction - some kind of emotional response that she is currently not getting.

If she really wanted to hurt him, she would be bringing guys over and shagging them while he sleeps on the couch.

This guy needs to ask himself what he has potentially done to elicit this kind of behavior. A girl doesn't stay with you for 5 years and then decide she wants to ruin your life out of nowhere..there is always a motive for her either leaving or playing you out.

I'm definitely not excusing her behavior, this type of chick is not worthy to be called a "woman" because she acts like a child. But in these situations I dont believe there are victims. We create our own circumstances whether we choose to see it or not.

The rest of your post, as usual is bang on

 

[joekerr31]

This guy needs to ask himself what he has potentially done to elicit this kind of behavior. A girl doesn't stay with you for 5 years and then decide she wants to ruin your life out of nowhere..there is always a motive for her either leaving or playing you out.

I'm definitely not excusing her behavior, this type of chick is not worthy to be called a "woman" because she acts like a child. But in these situations I dont believe there are victims. We create our own circumstances whether we choose to see it or not.

/QUOTE]

oh i completely agree. we create our own scenarios. they usually start long before they actually bubble to the surface and if you know what to look for you will see the pre-cursors.

one of the BIG problems with women is that they like to repress their true feelings. so they will bottle up things sometimes for years, and then suddenly BOOM, they will explode on their man.

this whole scenario is very immature. buying a home and then all of this happening makes no sense.

who knows, perhaps she expected him to propose once they bought a house. when he didn't do so, she went bonkers. if she's a typical woman, she probably took buying a house together as a percursor to marriage and kids. when that didn't happen she thought 'why the hell am i in this relationship' - then basically tried to bluff him into doing what she wanted without explicitly stating it (she probably though if she raised the stakes high enough he would turn around and go 'please don't leave me. lets get married').

 

[Señor Fingers]

one of the BIG problems with women is that they like to repress their true feelings. so they will bottle up things sometimes for years, and then suddenly BOOM, they will explode on their man.

This is sadly VERY true!

Us men are much more WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) and though we often suck at expressing our emotions, you just KNOW when we are not happy! This is one of those behaviors of women that truly baffles me. It's almost like they enjoy the fantasy world they create so much, that they don't care if they are miserable, as long as they get to be the protagonist/starlet in the drama they've created. Really bizarre stuff.

this whole scenario is very immature. buying a home and then all of this happening makes no sense.

who knows, perhaps she expected him to propose once they bought a house. when he didn't do so, she went bonkers.

That very well may be. I've certainly met my share of marriage freaks whose sole purpose in life was to get hitched. Definitely some food for thought for the OP.

 

[MacAvoy]

I agree what you 2 are saying about why she likely acted the way she did. The good thing about this entire situation is that she isn't going bonkers and acting like some crazy b1atch. She's being rather civil and logical about it.

They are selling the house, no real hard feelings and he is getting serviced in the meantime as well. All in all, not a terrible ending to the relationship.

However once the house is sold, I would cut complete contact and move on with my life.

 

[jophil28]

When women cannot get life just the way they want, they either manipulate to gain POWER like this baitch, or plan revenge. The thought of sitting down with the guy and "DISCUSSING" the problem is never an option to them because they do not want a mutually acceptable outcome - they want total control AT HIS EXPENSE.. THis is the LOSE/LOSE scenario that JKerr refered to. SHe may then TEMPOPARILY gets her way but he turns into is a miserable controlled zombie and he cannot figure out why. Unfortunately, this outcome is PREFERED by most western women. They could care less about HIS happiness as long as SHE feels IN CHARGE be creating drama and uproar and confusion.

It this case the guy has eagerly played into this campaign of hers, so much so that she feels cheated because he is not even putting up a decent fight and engaging her drama. SO she pulls MORE to get the reaction that she needs.

And THAT, gentlemen, is how they behave IF you allow it.
Sad indeed.