Advice needed- read on

[ronniel]

Well, it's a pretty common story i guess...
Being with the woman for 2 years. The first couple months she used to live in another city, temporarily. We finally moved in together, proposed to her on the 1 year mark. She accepted.

2 and a half months ago, she moved out of our home. I accept that we had problems. She said that her moving out was the only way that our relationship would work.
1 week after that, i saw that her interest level was dipping. I called her on it, she said that she was not sure about us. I gave her some days to clear her head, we finally broke up.
I took it calmly and this surprised her, and seemed to rekindle her interest. To cut the long story short, she tried to string me along, always trying to get back to me when she saw that i was about to move on.

In our latest interactions, she tried to convince me that there was no other man in her life and that nothing happened sexually between her and another man the two months we were apart.

Anyway, we last talked on July the 28th. She got embarrassed about something I said and said not to call her ever again. Which i did.

I really want to turn the tables on this. I know that no contact is the way to go... any other suggestions?
Thanks a lot!

 

[ronniel]

You say "for now". So, you think i should allow/ initiate contact in the future?

 

[Buddha_Mind]

What he's saying is you probably can't bring your relationship back -- if that's what your trying to do you will cause yourself confusion and it probably will not work.

No contact is saying this person is GONE from your life -- MAYBE you will contact her in the future, BRIEFLY..but you have to accept that part of your life is over and this woman WILL NOT be your wife and CANNOT be a healthy relationship for you.

It's hard man, trust me I know...this is a sick world sometimes.

 

[DJDamage]

You say "for now". So, you think i should allow/ initiate contact in the future?

No. I suggest you re-read Samspade advice a few times because it seems to have gone passed your head.

Your relationship has gone through its course and now its over. You bring this woman back into your life and you will find yourself in the exact same position down the future.

 

[ronniel]

Well, you are probably right. I'm just pinning for another chance with her... it's just a case of oneitis i guess.
You just say that i will not be able to form a decent romantic relationship with her in the future, no matter what. Maybe you are right.

If someone disagrees and thinks that there might be a way to handle this in a way to maximize any chances for us to be together, speak out.

Thanks again...

 

[vatoloco]

Dude, it's done for!

You're at your most vulnerable right now. What you need to do is FORCE YOURSELF to go out and meet new girls. There's no other way. Do you have any good friends that can take you out?

If you have a chance, see the movie Swingers. I think it'll be good for you.

And like it's already been mentioned, No Contact is for you! It's to help you move on, not to try to "regain" her. You should never, ever contact her again. She may try to contact you but you must resist the temptation to go back to beating that dead horse of a relationship you had.

Spin new plates asap.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

The hard part is because you have all of these memories and ideas and HAPPY moments and all sorts in your mind and it seems we should be able to focus on those things and go back to them -- but the reality is if certain problems which led to the breakdown of your relationship cannot be fixed, than the relationship will not work.

The hardest thing I've learned is that you can really care for someone, have a lot of similarities, but not BE WITH THEM. Because by being with them, an unhealthy or unbalanced dynamic occurs...it doesn't mean you HATE THEM (although this probably helps in the moving on process..IDK)..

I'm not saying getting back together is an impossible feat -- everyone knows some couple who broke up and are back together -- but we ought to be honest about the whole thing and ask ourselves if (a) is that the best relationship a person could have and (b) will their problems really go away?

It's hard man I know...but moving on...not letting yourself think of getting back with her...that is the route to forwards movement. Otherwise you're going to dwell, you're going to run through what-if's -- and at the END OF THE DAY do you REALLY think that a good relationship is built upon "turning the tables" and that sort of thing? If you have to manipulate the situation so heavily it probably isn't a natural flow...

Consider yourself lucky there are no children involved...learn from this. All of us here have suffered and felt lost-love, all of us here have likely been with women we called the "one"...self-improve, self-improve...that's how the next good thing comes.

 

[ronniel]

Lol... i've watched the movie Swingers and i remember the scene about totally forgetting about them and let it go.
I have dated two women after the break up and she found out about the one of them.

She got upset- i just replied with a "You asked for a break up, that's what a break up is. Being free to date others"

 

[ronniel]

@Buddha: I'm in a turmoil right now. One part of me thinks: "****, this is not worth it" and another says "damn, i wish i could know a way to rekindle the relationship"...

Thanks for the advice. Wise words...

 

[ronniel]

I see where you come from... and probably you are right.
Some other thoughts of mine: I really believe that when a woman breaks up with you is because of loss of attraction... not compatibility issues and such things.

I see now that during the last months of our relationship i caved in and became a -not a complete- AFC. So, attraction was lost.
I don't now if i can regain the attraction she had for me- even for my ego purposes.

Anyway, thank you all for your great advice!

 

[Iceberg]

I see where you come from... and probably you are right.
Some other thoughts of mine: I really believe that when a woman breaks up with you is because of loss of attraction... not compatibility issues and such things.

I see now that during the last months of our relationship i caved in and became a -not a complete- AFC. So, attraction was lost.
I don't now if i can regain the attraction she had for me- even for my ego purposes.

Anyway, thank you all for your great advice!

Well, yeah. I get the impression that you moved in together after the first few months of dating? And then you proposed after a year? Everything about this situation screams "This relationship is my life! Please don't leave me."

Women don't want that. It's safe. It's boring. It's predictable. It's the opposite of attractive.

This is what I say to every guy in your situation - the only way to regain attraction is by forgetting about her and moving on. Leave her behind and let her wonder what you're up to, who you're dating, etc. But the funny thing about this idea is - once you've moved on, started dating, started improving your life, you won't want her back anyway. Because you'll see that your potential as a man is bigger than relationships and dating.

 

[ronniel]

Well, i'm no DJ by any means. That's for sure.
The woman in question is over 30, so I thought that it was time for her to settle down... my mistake. The laws of attraction apply to any age, i guess...

I already do no contact and i will keep it- although it's very hard to do. I feel better every day. Tomorrow i have a date with a 21 year old- hot as hell, bratty, but nothing that i could not handle.
I don't look for a relationship right now, it would not be fair for any woman. As long as i still think of her, i can only have a good time and not commit to anyone yet.

Thanks!

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I don't look for a relationship right now, it would not be fair for any woman. As long as i still think of her, i can only have a good time and not commit to anyone yet.

I think that's a great mindset and I'm right there with you.

I know it sucks man...learn from this...at least you don't have children between you. The next one will be more attracted to you because you'll have learned from some of your mistakes...

And another thing I think ought to be said for a lot of us here, and in most threads about a breakup, etc, is that it's not all your fault. She plays a role too in the degrading relationship, she is not perfect, and made mistakes also.

That being said -- we have to go on in life as ourselves -- and by looking at our mistakes, we can have a better relationship in the future by not repeating them. She may never choose to learn from hers.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

So I sat here this evening and was thinking about a great deal of things...

This may go against the grain entirely; and I could even be entirely wrong -- but if you said she wants to get back together with you and the whole point of you posting was how to turn the tables to get back with her why the fux don't you just be honest and say what you want -- what new conditions you expect the relationship to meet -- and certain behaviors you will and will not tolerate (for both of you). And if she doesn't accept and the relationship spirals down than you recognize the inchangeable aspect and back off...

IDK man..perhaps an AFC-relapse is how this might be perceived here (my way of thinking that is)...but something to chew on...only live once...soon enough with time we'll all be dead.

 

[DJ SO STEVE]

There are so many better girls out there. Once you're good at meeting many quite frequently you'll know which girl is the most compatible for you.
At the moment you're in a relationship with a woman, she's generally attracted to the man you are at that particular moment. During the course of your relationship if you don't improve your self worth or keep the relationship the same as when it started... Your girl will start to have doubts.

You've probably heard most girls say, relationships are always best from the start... They say this because most guys set the bar really high at the beginning of the relationship then don't keep it there.

People in relationships should only compromise upto 30% max. If someone has to compromise more its too much change. Most people don't like change also, if someone has to change the way they are for someone else to like them it will just build up like a bomb till explosion.

I hope these tips help you with your future dates & relationships.

 

[DJ SO STEVE]

Sorry, writing this from my blackberry dam.

 

[ronniel]

**update**

Ok, there was eventually a come back. She was flirty, we had great sex and we saw each other 5 times in 2 weeks. Then she suddenly told me that this doesn't seem to work and maybe we could remain friends in the future.

I declined and wished her well. End of story i guess.

 

[SecondHalf]

Get to work on yourself until you're ready to go back out there.
Never, never contact her.

After she's had a failed relationship with another man, she may look you up.
Hopefully at that time, Mr. Denial will have passed you by and you'll see some of the problems and turn her down.

For now, focus on yourself until she's out of mind!

SH

 

[ronniel]

Hoping to get her back is the wrong mindset for me. So, I have to totally kill this idea.

I'm really proud i didn't agree to the LJBF bs. One thing that will really help is that i will relocate 200 miles away from her, due to new job opportunity.

 

[ronniel]

Ok... a quick update.
No contact since our last time- except an email i had to send informing her that she had to collect her mail.

One thing that bugs me is that she keeps talking bad about me... things like "i despise him" etc etc to people that we both used to hang out... i didn't ask, they told me.

To think that these words come from the woman i used to think that she would be me wife is a bit sad. I really wonder why she has to hate me like that. After all, it was her decision to break up with me.

Oh we... life goes on.