Since we all are adept at dating women, I wanted to get all your collective advices on when the table is turned. I have a sister who is slightly over 35 yo - very sweet, great cook, intelligent, and warm hearted - really a great catch. She seems like she may suffer from some depression and for some reason has not been able to find a guy. Also, she is somewhat introverted so does not actively go out to meet people. Wanted to get anyone of the more mature guys and ask where is a good place for women to meet good older guys (ideally in late-30's to 40's), what are the best methods to help her break her introvertedness, and any other suggestions. Much appreciated...
Advice needed for mid-30's Female
- Thread starter DJJokster
- Start date
interesting post.
i think the advice for women is the same as the advice for men. get out there and meet people. easiest way to do that is develop hobbies.
women don't really HAVE to do anything other than get out there and smile.
i suppose on the other side of things she could learn what "traits" the "good" guys have and when one approaches her say Yes.
haha.
J
i think the advice for women is the same as the advice for men. get out there and meet people. easiest way to do that is develop hobbies.
women don't really HAVE to do anything other than get out there and smile.
i suppose on the other side of things she could learn what "traits" the "good" guys have and when one approaches her say Yes.
haha.
J
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
It's no different with people her age or any other age. Hang out in places where you can do what you enjoy doing. Unless it's a same sex private school, there will be people there of the opposite sex. And guess what, you'll automatically have something in common, the venue you are attending!
Johnnie5
Don Juan
Honestly
She should try internet dating ,as most of us know the nice guys dont appoach and happens even more as we get older
There will be dozens of guys contacting her and she can take her pick from them and find someone that she might be compatible with
great photos (notice the plural) great honest profile
she will meet some great guys , have some dates , hopefully bring her out in herself a little and relax a bit
She should try internet dating ,as most of us know the nice guys dont appoach and happens even more as we get older
There will be dozens of guys contacting her and she can take her pick from them and find someone that she might be compatible with
great photos (notice the plural) great honest profile
she will meet some great guys , have some dates , hopefully bring her out in herself a little and relax a bit
Johnnie5
Don Juan
.
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
Yeah, but if she's as boring as a stone because she has no interests of her own, she will end up posting a profile that says "I want a guy that can make me happy," and will end up with a ton of AFC suitors.
Johnnie5
Don Juan
that is quite possible , anything is possible , she could always keep sitting on the couch and cry woe is me or do something about it
It would be advised for her to seek some counseling.
She will never attract a man who is mentally healthier than herself; we are all attracted to people who are more put together than ourselves, but we repel people who are worse off. So, she must first address mental health issues before she can find a good mate. Withdrawing from socializing is indeed a sign of depression and can be helped by seeking counseling. This all is the best advice I can give, given what small information there is about her.
Are you just assuming that she is looking for a man or has she spoke to you and told you that she can't find a man? Just from the sound of your post I got the impression that you are making a lot of assumptions and are projecting what you want in your life onto her. Basically, it sounds like you are trying to put yourself in charge of what is "best" for her or what you think she should want or do with her life.
As a woman over 35 I have to say that I have 3 older sisters who put far too much effort into attempting to run/control/dictate my life...and I tend to not only resent it, but avoid them because I can't stand when they do it.
Your sister is a grown woman and is best suited to know what she wants and needs. If she's like most siblings...you most likely only know a very tiny part of what's going on in her life...only what she wants you to know. For all you know she might be seeing someone and just doesn't bring him around the family. I've done that many times before. I don't introduce a guy to my family unless I'm going to live with him. My family met my ex husband and my fiance who died. They haven't even met my 5 year old's father. Your sis might just like to keep her private life private. If you honestly believe she's depressed, then ask her if she's happy with life or feeling down and why. Just don't assume...it ends up hurting people and is almost never correct anyway.
Anytime I hear someone talking about a member of their family using the term "they SEEM like they MAY be" it sends up a big red flag that someone is possibly trying to pass off their own opinion as fact while seeking justification to meddle in someone else's business and life.
Once an introvert always an introvert. Once an extrovert always an extrovert. Introverted people get their energy zapped by being around other people, the more people the more they get tired out. Extroverted people get more energized the more people they interact with. This can't be changed. If it's shyness you're speaking of, that's a case of a person being a bit insecure and too worried about what others might think about them. If you want to help your sister overcome shyness the best way to do that is to not meddle in her life, don't push her to do what you think she should be doing and don't make her feel like she's a failure or inadequate as a person and woman just because she's single.
I don't mean to come off as a biotch here because I'm sure you really do mean well...so do my sisters. Unfortunately, a great many well meaning siblings actually cause more problems than they help with when they butt in. If you want to help her...don't try to help her UNLESS she specifically ASKS for your help.
As a woman over 35 I have to say that I have 3 older sisters who put far too much effort into attempting to run/control/dictate my life...and I tend to not only resent it, but avoid them because I can't stand when they do it.
Your sister is a grown woman and is best suited to know what she wants and needs. If she's like most siblings...you most likely only know a very tiny part of what's going on in her life...only what she wants you to know. For all you know she might be seeing someone and just doesn't bring him around the family. I've done that many times before. I don't introduce a guy to my family unless I'm going to live with him. My family met my ex husband and my fiance who died. They haven't even met my 5 year old's father. Your sis might just like to keep her private life private. If you honestly believe she's depressed, then ask her if she's happy with life or feeling down and why. Just don't assume...it ends up hurting people and is almost never correct anyway.
Anytime I hear someone talking about a member of their family using the term "they SEEM like they MAY be" it sends up a big red flag that someone is possibly trying to pass off their own opinion as fact while seeking justification to meddle in someone else's business and life.
Once an introvert always an introvert. Once an extrovert always an extrovert. Introverted people get their energy zapped by being around other people, the more people the more they get tired out. Extroverted people get more energized the more people they interact with. This can't be changed. If it's shyness you're speaking of, that's a case of a person being a bit insecure and too worried about what others might think about them. If you want to help your sister overcome shyness the best way to do that is to not meddle in her life, don't push her to do what you think she should be doing and don't make her feel like she's a failure or inadequate as a person and woman just because she's single.
I don't mean to come off as a biotch here because I'm sure you really do mean well...so do my sisters. Unfortunately, a great many well meaning siblings actually cause more problems than they help with when they butt in. If you want to help her...don't try to help her UNLESS she specifically ASKS for your help.
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Thanks for all the replies thusfar. Really appreiciate them all. As of background, my sister and I have been living together for over 5 years so I know her situation very well and am not guessing on her life. I know most of the friends she sees (has 4 close friends)and does. I do admit that she probably has been on dates that I may not know about, but am sure they are few, if any.
In terms of online dating, I got her an annual membership to match which she refused to use for some reason of not liking those types of sites. She just is not comfortable meeting men that way. I do agree maybe some form of depression is prohibiting her from truly being outgoing, but she claims that it is depression which has been much improved as of late (since she found a new job in the past year) and that it is much more controllable today (even though she does admit that even today, it is slightly above the norm in terms of the depression swings she gets compared to other women). I do beleive that her depression is much improved when she was out of work for several years, but still not sure if it is improved enough, but she refuses to see a therapist.
In terms of the introvertedness, yes it is probably something one cannot change, even though that personality trait is not set in stone (i.e. I have shifted from a borderline introvert to borderline extrovert to deep extrovert in my 20's to 30's). However, introvertedness does not prohibit women from meeting new people and should not be a major deterent in starting and maintaining a healthy relationship with the opposite sex (even though I admit it is tougher for introverts to meet new people, but many introverts which constitutes roughly 50% of the world's population have healthy relationships).
I think net-net, it has been a while since she has actively dated and I want to help her get jump started. 2-3 years ago she thought it would be impossible for her to get a job after being out of work for several years with not such a stellar resume and after helping her out, she got a great finance job at one of the top investment banks. Similarly, she believes that it would be impossible for her to get married at this point and I beg to differ that this is no different than how she felt three years ago that it would be impossible to get a decent job. I feel if she sets her mind to it, it really shouldn't be so hard and she really hasn't even tried. A little confused on why simple life issues are so tough for her. I know she prefers to get married, but she rarely goes out and is not "in the market" to even have a chance. Any thoughts on how to get her jump started or anything relevant that you would help would be appreciated. Thanks, guys (and gals?).
In terms of online dating, I got her an annual membership to match which she refused to use for some reason of not liking those types of sites. She just is not comfortable meeting men that way. I do agree maybe some form of depression is prohibiting her from truly being outgoing, but she claims that it is depression which has been much improved as of late (since she found a new job in the past year) and that it is much more controllable today (even though she does admit that even today, it is slightly above the norm in terms of the depression swings she gets compared to other women). I do beleive that her depression is much improved when she was out of work for several years, but still not sure if it is improved enough, but she refuses to see a therapist.
In terms of the introvertedness, yes it is probably something one cannot change, even though that personality trait is not set in stone (i.e. I have shifted from a borderline introvert to borderline extrovert to deep extrovert in my 20's to 30's). However, introvertedness does not prohibit women from meeting new people and should not be a major deterent in starting and maintaining a healthy relationship with the opposite sex (even though I admit it is tougher for introverts to meet new people, but many introverts which constitutes roughly 50% of the world's population have healthy relationships).
I think net-net, it has been a while since she has actively dated and I want to help her get jump started. 2-3 years ago she thought it would be impossible for her to get a job after being out of work for several years with not such a stellar resume and after helping her out, she got a great finance job at one of the top investment banks. Similarly, she believes that it would be impossible for her to get married at this point and I beg to differ that this is no different than how she felt three years ago that it would be impossible to get a decent job. I feel if she sets her mind to it, it really shouldn't be so hard and she really hasn't even tried. A little confused on why simple life issues are so tough for her. I know she prefers to get married, but she rarely goes out and is not "in the market" to even have a chance. Any thoughts on how to get her jump started or anything relevant that you would help would be appreciated. Thanks, guys (and gals?).
Listen...if you want to help your sister don't overtly help her. If you meet a guy you think she might hit it off with, invite him over as YOUR guest for dinner when she'll be home. If you want her to be comfortable and meet new people, try inviting new people over once in awhile. Not a lot of people at once or constantly...just a little bit here and there. Don't push her towards anyone or vice versa. Just introduce her to people casually and that is about all you can do to be helpful without intruding. If she asks you for your help, then fine...be more overt. But if she doesn't, by being pushy you will just make her want to isolate herself even more.
SilkiSmooth
Don Juan
s
Thx. Just to clarify, my sister has told me that she is more than happy to go on blinddates that I set, so she is open to my help, if I have any advice/hookups that is of value. As such, my goals is to give her ideas on places she can go to meet guys, actually hook her up on blind dates/casual dates, or anything else I can do to help...
No, it is set in stone. You cannot change your brain wiring. Now with that said, in terms of introversion vs. extraversion, and dominance vs. submission, there are four types of people; dominant extraverts, submissive extraverts, dominant introverts, submissive introverts. People like to critique introversion vs. extraversion as there being shades of gray, but when you factor in dominance you see there is not that much variation if any at all. The only factor that someone can influence is being more dominant or submissive, which is why it can appear for people to change, but you cannot change how your brain is wired. People like to associate being “quiet” as introversion and “gregarious” with extraversion but those traits have little or nothing to do with the definition of the terms. Wyldfire was dead-on in her definition.
I myself am an introvert.
Actually, the numbers fall that introverts represent only about 25% of the population. We live in an extraverted society, championing extraverted traits and viewing introversion as somehow defective or unhealthy (which is obviously not true). But yes, absolutely, introversion does not inherently prohibit people from having healthy relationships and from meeting new people, which is hitting the nail on the head; people cannot use the fact they are introverted as justification for not meeting new people.
Introverted behavior and extraverted behavior are as much a part of the society you are in as they are a personal trait. Ever been to Eastern Europe? Few extraverted people around. The bubbly type definitely sticks out. Americans are the single most extraverted group of people I have ever seen. I personally find it to be a major turn off in girls.
Apologies to Wyldfire, definitely large element of truth in "Once an introvert always an introvert. Once an extrovert always an extrovert." but not totally correct...
Extraversion, neuroticism and (unfortunately) openness to new experience actually tend decrease with age.
Fortunately, you can actually go outside your comfort zone and norms and MAKE yourself go out and experience things... the cringe you feel inside does eventually subside.
Think the lady in question needs to recognise that she has to take responsiblity for doing that - 200% right there
As a brother, you could invite her along to eg. dance lessons "for moral support" or something like that, get her out of the rut.. any social &/or physical exercise is great for depression &/or related issues. By the way depression is something most of us feel sometime in our lives (how many ppl get divorced, have a death in family, break off LTR etc???)... its only if it interferes with daily life that it becomes a mental illness
Just my 2 cents
Extraversion, neuroticism and (unfortunately) openness to new experience actually tend decrease with age.
Fortunately, you can actually go outside your comfort zone and norms and MAKE yourself go out and experience things... the cringe you feel inside does eventually subside.
Think the lady in question needs to recognise that she has to take responsiblity for doing that - 200% right there
As a brother, you could invite her along to eg. dance lessons "for moral support" or something like that, get her out of the rut.. any social &/or physical exercise is great for depression &/or related issues. By the way depression is something most of us feel sometime in our lives (how many ppl get divorced, have a death in family, break off LTR etc???)... its only if it interferes with daily life that it becomes a mental illness
Just my 2 cents
Dorian...I don't think you fully understand the definition of extrovert and introvert. It has nothing to do with how outgoing or daring a person is at all. It's about whether you draw energy from being around people or your energy is drawn from you when you are around people.
An extrovert (like myself) goes into an environment of many people and draws energy and rejuvination from those people. When an introvert goes into the same situation their energy is zapped from them and the situation leaves them feeling kinda sluggish, tired and overwhelmed. Extroversion and Introversion is all about the EFFECT being around a group of people has on your energy level. You are either an extrovert or an introvert and it doesn't change. So many people think extroverted is a more sophisticated way to say "outgoing" and introverted is another way to say "shy". Nothing could be further from the truth.