Advice needed for going for younger women...

[MDgood]

I'm going for a woman who's almost ten years younger than me. The last time I dated a woman in her early 20's, I was in my early 20's. Not to say that I haven't banged them and left them... last time that happened was about two months ago... but this is an attempt to pursue a relationship.

That being the case, I have to put the situation in perspective now, because my experience puts me in a state of mind of being back in my 20's. I don't think I can go into this as a 32 year old with the mindset of a 22 year old.

I need some advice and observations from the older DJs about what my advantages are with being older than she is, how she perceives my age, and what methods there are available to use this fact to my advantage. Basically, some insight as to what's going to be going through her head would be nice.

This isn't a cold start with the girl, we've known each other for a few years through the same social circle.

Any advice?

 

[InLawsHateMe]

My gf is 7 years younger than I. She was 24 when I met her. There was a bit of immaturity at first, and if you ain't careful, it can get to ya. She has never said anything about my age, but her f'n siblings have. >8'( ...one thing is certain, sex, sex, and more sex. It's never happend to me, but I've heard sometimes you could be mistaken for her Dad walking in the mall, or some place. Age ain't nothing but a damn number dude... made to keep a record of when you may die. As far as how you feel about yourself, and life, THAT determines just how young you are.

 

[ulsterman]

MD, I empathize with you entirely, as I also am 32 and I am interested in romancing a highly intelligent and very attractive girl of 22 - if, that is, she develops a more mature attitude to l'amour and marriage. I know a guy who is something like 13 years older than his babelicious wife, whom he married when she was 21; she's 29 now, but they both appear to be very happy, although he works very hard in the gym - no doubt for her sake. I suppose it all depends on the maturity of the 22 year old, which is not a quality necessarily proportional to intelligence, you must understand.

I don't think you should gratuitously descend to the level of a 22 year old to steal her heart; rather, you must seek to stimulate in her mind admiration for your level of maturity and understanding, so much so that she will even aspire to be mature like you. The clear goal always has to be to see her believe in you. Once a woman believes in a man, it becomes easy for him to win her. I think it is easier for a woman to believe in a man who is older than her if he can demonstrate superior manliness (defined well elsewhere on this site) to that of boys her age. It can therefore work to your advantage being older and wiser, BUT, I doubt if being openly soft and caring and gushing, stereotypes of male maturity, will do the trick; rather, patience, self-control, discretion (how a man spares his soul from troubles by being careful about what he divulges, and to whom!!!) and wisdom all must be evident, but not ostentatiously paraded. But they must not be sole replacements for quintessentially youthful attributes either, but rather work in harmony with them. If you profess abhorrence for any genre of music 22 year olds listen to, whether or not she likes it, you run the risk of appearing unyouthful. Do not, however, at all costs, pretend to be into things she likes when you actually have no interest in them. If you don't like them, don't say so and don't say you do; just be "easy" about them.

Also, play sports, excel at them, dress and groom as youthfully as you feel comfortable with (don't overdo it), but in no wise verbally point any of your qualities out to her. These are things that a woman has to notice for them to be of any worth; as they were wont to say in Scotland of old concerning certain experiences, "it's better felt than tell't", and indeed, a woman has to FEEL you are the great man you would like her to believe you are, rather than be told so, or at least, told so by you.

When in her company, tease her gently (but NEVER insult her, even jokingly) just as you would with any other girl you would flirt with, as there is an unspoken sexual expression in adeptly poised teasing that says you are virile, you notice her womanliness, and you are therefore not a dull older guy. Also, be gentlemanly without making any reference to it, but again, don't be overly overt about it - few guys her age possess that quality, and while few girls her age will rate that as a desirable attribute in a man, it nonetheless is a mark of maturity and manliness she should associate with your age, and if you can do it without being a Beta wimp nice guy type in the process, I think it may prove to be a plus point, albeit a lesser one. Overall, the key is, I suppose, to always be pleasant and friendly in a measure and manner that leaves her wondering if you fancy her or not.

Girls of 22 will expect a man of 32 to be financially stable (not filthy rich, just secure), not living at home with his parents (that's me in trouble then!) and in possession of a very cogent reason for being unattached at that age (in my case, I wasted nearly 7 years on a fiancee I eventually split up with).

In all of this, you must be very measured in how you deal with her. You may be a deep and sensitive person, but very few 22 year old girls will appreciate any display of this. They also tend to be full of the joys of spring, as it were, thinking they have their whole lives ahead of them. They are on the proverbbial "first wonder" ("I wonder who I'll marry?"), convinced they have options aplenty. Alas, before they know it they are headed for the second wonder ("I wonder who'll marry me?"), around their mid 20s (a good age to catch a single girl, especially if she's been available for more than a few months). You wouldn't want (well, I wouldn't want) a woman on her 3rd wonder ("I wonder will ANYONE marry me?"), as by then they are losing the flower of feminine allure...

But I digress. A girl of 22 can be won, I am certain. I just feel it may require more patience than would be the case for babes your own age. I wish you well, my friend, and don't be discouraged if you make mistakes along the way to this girl's heart, as perfect Don Juan performances just don't exist. At least if you do make the odd faux pas, she will probably be too inexperienced herself to catch on to how bad it was!

 

[MDgood]

Thanks for the good advice, guys.

I'm more curious as to what goes through a 22 year old woman's head when suddenly a guy ten years older come on to her (and not a creep, but a legit guy), after she's spent years dating guys closer to her own age.

I suppose it would be different for different women. Would the initial reaction be flattery, a feeling of weirdness that needs to be overcome, etc.?

The funny thing about this is that if one of my friends were going through this, I could take one look at the girl in his presence and tell instantly whether or not he had a chance. However, because it's me, my head gets cluttered up with every bit of input she gives me, and I find myself dazed and confused. Not lapsing into AFC mode is proving difficult, but my experience with my many phuck ups earlier in my life gives me a lot to keep my head above water.

Sigmund Freud once said, "There's one thing I've never been able to figure out, and that is, what do women want?" And dammit, sometimes I just gotta agree with that.

 

[CGE333]

I have a good amount of experience dating women 8 to 11 years younger. It all depends on them, although most out there could care less about the age difference and what I've explained to the women is there are advantages and disadvantages to dating older guys or guys your own age. If she does not know how old you are just don't tell her until after you have went out a few times. If she has fun it won't matter if you are 80 or 20, she want to keep going out. But, be prepared for the immaturity to be off the charts at time as well as any drama to be amplified. One other word to the wise, watch for the outside influencers telling her that you are too old, etc......... Good luck man, does she have any sisters?

 

[Bonhomme]

If you look your age...

there should be no problem. She knows what she's getting into, so the important thing is whether or not she is mature enough to hang with you.

If you look younger than your age, the age issue might prove a tough one. Somehow the number is more important than what you are.

I've gone out with some gals who are much, much younger than me (greater difference than yours), and abso-fvcking-lutley freaked when they found out how long I've been around. There's almost no choice but to lie about my age in such situations.

Best of luck!

 

[MDgood]

More good advice, thanks! The bullshyt is definitely something to be prepared for, and she's dated at least one guy older than I am.

Sorry that this is so long!

Before you read this, understand that the reason this has taken so long is because the danger of LJBF is very, very high in this case. The disadvantage is that we've been hanging in the same social circle for about five years now, she knows a lot about me, and I know a lot about her. We have been officially "friends" for that whole time, but I'm beginning to feel like the time may be good to finally push it over to the next level.

She has two older sisters with whom she's pretty close, both of whom I've already taken a lot of time to get to know, relate to, and carefully bring to my side. I've gained the allies in the right places so far, so I would be surprised if her sisters are saying anything but positive things about me. We have mutual friends, too, who over the past year I've been able to get to subtly mention to her about how great it would be for a girl like her to date a guy like me. I've been able to let her know how much I respect her, admire her intelligence, etc etc etc, without pouring it on too thickly. Basic prepping procedure.

I believe it may be time because she's begun to exhibit some pretty odd behavior towards me. I had a girlfriend up until recently, and during this time i had my gf, she and I were cool and would hang out often enough. She's always been shy to begin with, but after the breakup with my gf, she slowly started to get into periods of being intermittently shy, distant, and standoffish to me. She can call me and talk to me without any problem at all, but when I get into her presence she'll barely say three words to me. I can stand directly next to her and she won't so much as look at me or acknowledge my presence. I get at least one short phone call a week from her about something useless and dumb, which I figure is a good sign.

Experience teaches me that when a girl likes me as a friend, and she knows I like her, and I don't have a chance with her, she'll continue being open and friendly to me. Experience also teaches me that when a girl hates me, she'll fake a smile to be polite, without her eyes being into it. This is neither of those things.

This girl, however, has almost become introverted in my presence, to the point where I've started wondering if I pissed her off or something (I know I haven't because her sister told me so a few months back), so obviously she's nervous about something, and more than likely it's because now she knows I'm free to pursue her. However, the question remains in my head: is she nervous because she's threatened by me, or is she nervous because she's anticipating me to come onto her?

 

[STR8UP]

I suppose it would be different for different women. Would the initial reaction be flattery, a feeling of weirdness that needs to be overcome, etc.?

I usually avoid women that are THAT young. It's too difficult to find a connection when their minds are on a WAY different plane than yours.

Had a younger female "friend" tell me awhile back that younger girls can be intimidated by older men. Take that as you will. The good thing for me is I'm in decent shape for 31 so most women don't believe my age. They usually guess I'm 25.

Most of the ones I've been meeting in the clubs lately are in their early 20's. The fact that a club is a physical pickup venue helps smooth the gap. You don't have to struggle so much with the initial verbal rapport...you can let your body language do the work.

Last week I found out one of the girls I've been hanging with at the club is only 21. Shocked the hell out of me. I'm gonna give it a shot with her....so far she seems to be able to hold a decent convo, so why not? I'm willing to keep an open mind.

 

[ulsterman]

MD, you are doing okay if her sisters think well of you. If she is interested in you, she might have confided the fact in her sisters - then again, she might not - it all depends on how close she is to her sisters, how shy she is, and so on. If she's not a shy person and if she is close to her sisters, there is a fair chance she would have told them she likes you; the exception to that being the case where she would see herself as an independent and mature 22 year old.

It would be really good if you could extract some clues from her sisters about it, but boy oh boy, it's not easy to do that without revealing your hand. You say the mutual friends are aware of your interest, so I would imagine she also is aware of it. However, since you have not disclosed your interest direct to her, she may have her doubts, insofar as she may want you badly, but she might fear the mutual friends have misread your words or she might fear that you have lost interest in her since the time the mutual friends heard about your interest.

The lack of feedback from the sisters and the mutual friends you speak of has to be objectively interpreted. If she is an independent but discreet girl, or if she is as shy as you say , that lack of feedback is no great issue. If she is known to confide personal things in her friends and sisters, the lack of feedback might mean she has made an exception in this case for fear of you finding out her feelings toward you. I would guess that, in the latter contingency of her generally confiding things, she actually likes you because, if she did not, she would be keen, as would her sisters and mutual friends, to let you know you're wasting your time pursuing her.

My own inclination on this is that she does like you, and the lack of feedback from the "proxy servers" is due to her either refusing to reveal her thoughts on the subject to anyone or due to her compelling everyone to desist from letting you know. The former is the likely option, as in the latter option it is always likely that one person would break their promise to be silent. The critical interpretational factor here is that she is shy so just remember that shy people are inherently insecure, hence the likelihood she may be entertaining unreasonable doubts about your interest in her. The little irrelevant phone calls are nearly always a great sign, as I suspect the "oddness" in your company is. But there comes a time when you have to cross the line and be man enough to ask her out. From my own bitter experience, it is ALWAYS best to deal with the woman herself, rather than her friends or sisters...

Well, you are further on with this girl than I first reaslised, and I wish I was at the same stage with the girl I am after. Just be careful not to act too hastily.

 

[MDgood]

I usually avoid women that are THAT young.

Me, too, Str8up, but in this case since I know her pretty well it's not such a gamble.

This is a difficult situation here because of the lack of feedback. If I didn't have so much experience with knowing how women act around me when they're not interested, or completely hate me, or are seriously interested in me, or are just cool friends, etc. etc. etc., then I'd really have nothing to go on because she is really clamming up on me. She's just not fitting the norms of what I'm used to seeing.

Gentlemen, I believe there's enough circumstantial evidence to risk going to the next step. Now it's just a matter of figuring out the best plan of action, one that includes an escape route in case things go seriously wrong and I've misjudged everything.

 

[ulsterman]

Remember to let us know what happens, as feedback on this case would be most valuable - certainly to me, it would be. I hope to hear from you again soon, so, as they say in Germany, "alles gute"!

 

[Naimguy]

Let me give you the low down:

I'm 36, currently dating a drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, thoughtful, 24 year old woman. She's unbelievable. I almost never asked her out because of her age. A few observations I've made being single this long and the age disparity among the women I see has started to grow greatly over the last few years.

I prefer younger women. Not just because of the looks thing, but women closer to my age are more likely to have an agenda, or a bunch of rules, or they talk too much, or every single guy they've ever met has caused some sort of a build up effect on them. They're trying to get a read on me too early (make assumptions) instead of just having a good time a trying to get to know me.

Younger women tend to be more optimistic about life. Women my age tend to be more negative about things.

A woman in her early twenties is much more likely to date a guy who is older...especially if she is intelligent and somewhat serious about life. They tend to find men closer to their age as "guys" and somewhat immature. Whereas a man in his thirties isn't going to play games with a woman's head, but he's not going to put up with any bullsh*t either. I've been told that this combo makes a woman feel "safe"...She feels secure in that she knows how he feels, but also knows she must keep pulling her weight or he'll bail. Younger guys tend to play it way too cool initially, then go over the top.

Everything is fun to them...I have a pretty serious professional career. I don't want to take a woman out to a stuffy restaurant and sip the tini's. I want to put on a ball cap and sandals and go do whatever, just not the "date" thing. Younger women don't care what we do.

Don't assume because she's younger that she's unintelligent. I'm a fairly sharp guy and have found that there are just as many brainless, thoughtless, idiot-speaking, flaky women my age as there are younger. Don't equate a lack of life experience with a lack of intellect. I have converstaions with my current GF that I've never had with any other woman.

They are less selfish. My current GF does things for me without 'keeping score". Women my own age seem to keep track of every, little, single, friggin thing that I do and place some higher meaning on it. If I don't call, they won't. If I'm late, they'll be late next time. They seem to try to establish power in a relationship and it gets tiresome.

I could go on and on but there is also an article in Men's Health this month that repeats many of the same things. My observations have been identicle to that of the author's so there is some overlap (lest someone thinks I am a complete plagurist).

Also understand that many of my observations make certain general statements about age groups and that they are entirely my own and not intended to offend anyone, etc.

 

[princelydeeds]

I just hope you have thought it out carefully. WHat I know about women in general but younger women especially is that they don't know what they want tomorrow, let alone a year or 10 years from now. 22 year old girls are flaky by nature, IMHO. I see the fun potential, if it were me and Iwas feeling her I would hold her close but not too close. I would sex her constantly but just keep the vibe and feelings fun. I wouldn't put too much into her personally cause at 22 you may be more of the flavor of the week type of guy to her. Before I developed feelings I would test her thoroughly and make sure she could handle a mature relationship.

Not to flame but my question for you is what does she bring to the table? It would seem like, the two of you should be in completely different places at this point in your lives. I like dating young women, I love to screw 19-23 year olds, I love the energy in bed and their stupidity about real game. They are easy but out of bed forget it!! I we are on completely different wave lengths. I keep it fun and simple. But never get too attached. Hope that helped

 

[MDgood]

lol, yeah prince, I think we're on different wavelengths here. Not that I don't totally agree with you about screwing girls her age whenever and whereever we can. Basically, this young woman is kind, intelligent, not a psycho beeotch, treats everybody she meets respectfully, tries to avoid becoming angry, and is generally pleasant. And she's hot as hell, too, with minimal baggage. We're in slightly different places, true, but I'm not planning to get married anytime soon, neither is she. She's pretty much somebody I would like to hang around alot, as well as enjoy the sex part.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by Naimguy
I prefer younger women. Not just because of the looks thing, but women closer to my age are more likely to have an agenda, or a bunch of rules, or they talk too much, or every single guy they've ever met has caused some sort of a build up effect on them.

Very true.

To be perfectly honest I'm 31 now and have never dated anyone older than 28. It does seem that the older women I have met have baggage, both emotional and physical. The younger ones have the advantage in this respect.

The other thing about younger women is that the years haven't caught up to them. I don't care what anyone says, women don't age nearly as gracefully as men. If we don't seek out youth in a potentail mate can we call ourselves men?

It's too bad many of the younger ones don't have the life experience and most of them aren't to the point where they are focused on building a life. They are more concerned about their social life (I was the same way at that age).

If I could find a 21 yr. old that had the proper perspective, hey, I'm all for it. The thing is most people's perspective on the world changes quite a bit in their mid 20's. I know at that age my entire outlook changed.

The best girlfriend I've had was 20 when I met her, I was 25. She was career oriented and didn't have the itch to get the partying out of her system like a lot of people that age. She was a rare find. If I could dig another one up like her I'd be set.