Advice needed about a date with a woman who has recently broken up

[The Grue]

Greetings to all here on the forum, I would appreciate some input on a situation with a woman(surprise!)...

About a month ago, I met a woman(Irene) at a friend's house. She was a distant cousin of this friend and we talked a bit. She is an attractive lady, 29 years old and seemed a bit difficult to talk to and defensive... Still, I was attracted and during the next few days, we became FB friends and exchanged numbers.

I asked her out and we went for drinks about 2 weeks ago... Again, she seemed defensive and difficult, yet responded well to all types of Kino on my part and talked about possible meetups...all in all, it was an evening that didn't have passion but there definitely seemed to be something there...

During the next week, we talked once or twice, but I was busy at work and so was she, so it wasn't until last Sunday that I asked her out to a movie(last minute actually but I like doing spontaneous dates).

She had made plans already, but suggested we get together during the week, so we made arrangements to see a movie Thursday night.
Come Thursday, I pick her up and we see The Descendents(pretty boring flick) but she seemed to like it. I didn't actually try to put any moves on her in the cinema as she seemed closed and her back was turned a bit towards me...the situation just didn't seem favorable...
As we were walking outside after the movie, we were talking about a moment when the lead, George Clooney, went for a kiss, and so I felt I should do similarly......
However, Irene pulled away from me so I guess that was a strike...still, her attitude seemed to be getting better rather than worse...anyway, as I am driving her home I start stroking her legs, back and kissed her on the wrist a bit(while driving...oops!)
She seemed into it, so when I stopped in front of her place, I gently turned her towards me and went for a kiss which she reciprocated... We kissed a bit and as I walked her to her door, we kissed again... Next day I log onto FB and see that she has posted a song right after I dropped her off ...KISS by prince...
All in all, I felt things went OK and although she was still guarded, some headway had been made...plus she again referred to us doing stuff in the future if I agreed...

Thinking of striking when the iron is hot, I call her up yesterday(Friday)and ask her out to dinner this Saturday(today)...she replies that she might be leaving town for the weekend but will call by 9 to confirm....and true to her word, she promptly calls at 8 to tell me she can make dinner...
However, she also presents me with a problem of sorts...

Irene broke up(as she says) a month ago and isn't in the right frame of mind. It seems my sexual advances caught her off guard(which I find surprising actually...)and felt she needed to be clear with me before we go to dinner...
In all honesty, she had mentioned an ex before, but I never gave it much thought since I tend to look at people's actions(which is our case were her accepting and coming on a date with me...).
Still, I ALSO felt I needed to be clear about the matter, so I tell her ,flat out, that we should go to dinner and that I'd like to see her....HOWEVER, I am going out with her on a date and NOT as a friend....if she is cool with that, we can go out, otherwise it is better we leave it...after hearing me out, she agrees to this and we are set to go out tonight at 9...

My questions now:

- Did I handle this situation correctly?
- Is it wrong to explicitly state terms under which two people go out on a date?
- How should I act on this date? My gut feeling says to just be myself, which means I will be flirty, sexual, and touching her... I mean, why should I be someone different from the person she has seen on our first 2 dates?
In fact, I was thinking that I just need to disregard what she said completely about "state at present" and just go about doing my thing...if she is open and goes along...fine... if not..well, we move on....

Your Opinions friends?

Thanks for reading!

 

[The Grue]

Unfortunately,its too late to change tonight's date but I'll try to come up with a twist to make the date memorable..thanks for the idea of an action date.
As for spinning plates, how true that is!
Thanks for the advice Danger, will post results!

 

[speed dawg]

Yeah I think you came on a little too strong. The ex-boyfriend talk is never a good thing. I'd start going after other chicks at this point. Maybe call her in a week or two and set something up.

 

[The Grue]

Report

So, I pick Irene up at her place and she is nicely dressed but not dressed..sexually.
We greet each other and the first words out of her mouth are "I have told you how things are...". My first urge was to just bail on her that moment, claiming some sort of illness...
Anyway, we are driving to the Indian restaurant and all I hear from her is negativity. No matter what subject we talk about there is a negative slant to it...

When we reach the restaurant, we get out and she asks, "Is it far?" My reply is that it is close...When she sees how close the place is she says, "you SHOULD have said it was so close!"

At this point it hits me that I'm dealing with a nut-case, so I just decide to joke and enjoy what is bound to be a bad evening as much as possible...
The waiter seats us and Irene asks if I have been there before and says "Is the food ok? Could I get food-posoning?"
My reply is that "We can always live in hope..."

A bit rude but I what the heck...life is too short and I needed some comic relief...
I don't want to bore SO SUAVE members by recounting every little thing that transpired. Suffice to say, she is completely off her rocker and the sooner we were over and done with the better.

Going back home, she comments that it was a good thing that we both didn't eat garlic and she sort of looks me in the eye...
I had basically turned off by now, and didn't care one way or another.
When we reach her place she starts telling me about how her ex didn't love her and her BF before that just left her with an email after a 5 year relationship. Basically, I understood where a lot of her negativity towards men came from...however, I am certain her bad attitude is the reason she has been treated this way...

She then says that she has nothing to offer in a relationship at this time but seemed to be in no rush to go...I told her that is quite alright and to please excuse me because some buds are waiting for me at a local bar for drinks...As she was leaving she asked if we would go out again and I just rolled my eyes at her...cute girl but good Riddance!

Man, there are some pretty f@cked up people out there!

 

[The Grue]

Report II


Irene called again on Sunday to apologize for her behavior during our date...I was cool with her but cordial. Then she repeated that she had "nothing to offer..." and I replied that I am more than cool with that because I like to be with people who have something to offer...and then I said goodbye....

She then sent an text message about 2 hours later saying

"I wish I weren't afraid and could give you an opportunity with me! Thanks for understanding!"

I guess she just couldn't resist getting a jab in...I don't think I'll reply at all...

 

[Greasy Pig]

Don't reply. As someone on here told me, not replying will **** with the little hamster running on the hamster wheel that lives in all girl's heads.
It's fun to **** with hamsters.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Grue,
Danger had it right,there are so many Women like her,but the good news is there are millions more to sift through....First sign of disrespect in the early days and Next!

 

[Bible_Belt]

Don't contact her again if you don't like her, but honestly, she sounds a lot like the type of woman I usually end up fvcking. The head case act tends to scare guys away, because they actually believe the things a woman says in a literal and logical sense, which is horribly wrong. Women use words to attempt to communicate their emotions; the actual words they use are completely irrelevant, at least in their minds.

So when she says that she has nothing to offer, what she is telling you is not 'go away.' What she's saying is "I feel as though I have nothing to offer." The hint is that she wants you to change that feeling. But if you take her literally, she's not going to argue.

 

[AMDG]

I don't think I'll reply at all...

Very good. Leave the mindgames and the drama to somebody else. IMHO, the girls who are interested don't even dare to behave that way.

 

[The Grue]

I understand Bible Belt's point, but I feel I don't want to get drawn into her game, I mean, she's probably better at it than I am!

Thus, there has not been any reply from me and there won't be...
This woman has thrown up a ton of red flags, and in all honesty, even if I had her, I sincerely doubt I'd want to keep her.
Plus, it feels good knowing that I stuck to my guns and did not cater to her whims...there will be other women,there always are..

Thanks brothers!

 

[AMDG]

there will be other women,there always are..

That's the spirit.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Grue, your response is here:

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/guilt-of-conceit/

 

[Greasy Pig]

@Rollo, I just subscribed to your blog after reading that "conceit" post. Every word was solid gold and completely reaffirmed my reaction to one such recent "apology" text. ie I didn't reply but only after reading what posters told me in my post about the situation. Frickin awesome! Thanks!

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Interesting case study. Man I would have to agree with Bible that really what this girl wanted was for you to say, "NO! You ARE worth something!" or "Don't be afraid let's try this".

Is this the frame you want to start with, probably not, are these major red flags, yes, but I do have to agree that her actions really were that she was into you -- she just has had a hurt heart from the past and is wrapped up in her own mind game -- she is assuming the worst and replicating a lack of trust due to that past hurt.

Now maybe there are reasons other dudes have ran away from her...

 

[The Grue]

@Rollo

I read your article and was quite impressed by the depth of your analysis...a very eye-opening piece which also introduced me to your blog... which I plan to follow!

Now, the plot thickens a bit...she started throwing some LIKES in the direction of my FB profile and her cousin(who is a friend of mine and introduced us) mentioned in passing conversation that Irene would be attending a concert that her cousin, some friends and I will also be going to next Friday.

I will just stay silent until then. If I see her at the concert, my stance will depend on her attitude...
Till then, I have lined up a date for Thursday...nothing beats spinning plates...

Thanks again to all and to Rollo for such a great article!